Just Can't Have
pretty face
can't erase
**** and smart
plenty of heart
smooth skin
very thin
got it all
not very tall
juicy lips
shaky hips
what a smile
its been awhile
****** confession
tasty concession
never had before
must see more
whipped cream
*******
just can't have
divided in halve
love her
kittens purr
got caught stalking
no more talking

Plumbing
screaming in pain
cleaning her drain
it was very clogged
I am very logged
loved my plumbers crack
she gave my *** a smack
faucet beginning to leak
from the point of the peak
ended up in bed
she gives good head
wanted bill to be free
told me during my morning ***
I said you lost your mind
so I poked her from behind
how about half price
she said sorry no dice
please free she would beg
as she played with my third leg
running wild was my imagination
you could feel my frustration
after the plumbing was all done
it turned out she was a nun

Blood
Only takes a tiny slash,
walked into a blood bath.
Watched as the blood did splatter,
screams made the windows shatter.
Blood over here, blood over there,
had no time to prepare.
Blood on the ceiling, blood on the floor,
all blood red and very pure.
Heads hanging on some hooks,
all people with good looks.
Time for ugly to reign supreme,
hell with that expensive ****** cream.
Pretty faces are a thing of the past,
I killed the first, I'll **** the last.
Ugly people pay me money,
soon as they see the blood runny.
Rich people get the best,
poor people beg for the rest.
Blood drips in the cracks in the floor,
ugly people demanding more.
The bodies are tough to hide,
ugly cops let me slide.
I guess I could have molded a mask,
but how I love a ****** task.

Stay Alive
to stay alive
you must survive
be on top
don't ever stop
never be depressed
always feel blessed
cheaters never win
living in sin
one, two three
always feel free
four, five six
girls like licks
seven, eight nine
you look fine
eyes wide open
lids are frozen
red, juicy lips
love family trips
just three words
smoke some herbs
write a poem
while in Rome
go have fun
because I'm done

Doom
dark room
smelt doom
thunder rolls
lost souls
lighting strikes
sharp spikes
rotting corpses
unknown forces
people dying
others crying
tables turning
bodies burning
zombies arise
human demise
blood everywhere
mankind beware
eating flesh
while fresh
city blocked
world shocked
no fear
Allen here
Allen involved
problem solved

Strange Man
wears no clothes
picks his nose
eats raw meat
has smelly feet
makes crank calls
drunk and always falls
drinks night and day
family and friends, he betray
surely going to hell
needs scope, breath smell
has no more money
this **** isn't funny
has a very small ****
can't give girls the proper lick
has to **** just for ***
still in love with his ex
has gave up on living
what happened was unforgiving
a man became a monster
felt like an impostor
lived life grumpy and bitter
searching for a pinch hitter
died one night all alone
poor dog never got his bone

Weather
Planes crash, buildings tumble,
people walking, begin to stumble.
Earth begins to quake,
can't help but to shake.
Ground starts to crack,
blue sky becoming black.
People dying left and right,
future not looking so bright.
Oceans flow across the land,
no more beaches, no more sand.
All this in a matter of hours,
as the weather over powers.
Tornadoes and hurricanes,
mass destruction, all that remains.
Armageddon or judgement day,
All this happened, the tenth of May.
Earth will never be the same,
mother nature played a deadly game.

*****
The last time, I got an *******,
gave the girl my ***** injection,
now I have a bad infection.
Never again did I get laid,
it's going on the second decade,
a new *****, I'd sure trade.
One ball black, one ball blue,
got no paddle for my canoe,
my Horton doesn't hear a Who.
***** swollen, like a balloon,
feeling like a rabid raccoon,
looks like a character from a cartoon.
My ***** hurts when I ***,
why did this have to happen to me,
karma is on a laughing spree.
Life will never be the same,
swollen ***** man, is my nickname,
got no fortune, but 15 minutes of fame.
Was on a reality show with other freaks,
it was called house of the rising creeps,
I got booted off after only two weeks.

Will He
Will he go down as the best,
or fade away like the rest.
Will he go down as a god,
or just a man rolling sod.
Will he go down in history,
or just another flesh for fantasy.
Will he go down as the man,
or just someone who tried what he can.
Will he go down without defeat,
or just another piece of meat.
Will he go down on a girl,
or will the smell, make him hurl.
Will he go down and rise again,
or will he die before he's ten.
Will he go down as a king,
or just a man with no wing.
Will he go down with great honor,
or just another Jeffrey Dahmer.
Will he go down as a winner,
or just another angry sinner.
Will he go down, wearing his crown,
or will he just go down.

Before
Before light, is the darkness,
before happy, is the sadness.
Before walking, you must crawl,
before standing, you must fall.
Before winning, you must lose,
before advancing, you pay dues.
Life will never be easy,
when it is, it's only briefly.
Before pleasure, there is pain,
without pills, you go insane.
Before thunder, there is lightning,
life can be very, very frightening.
Before you bend, you must break.
some people real, most are fake.
Life is what you make of it,
the rest is just total *******.

Who Did What
In for something, didn't do,
it only could have been me or you,
one of us did it, but who.
Three sides to every story,
time to take some inventory,
trying to protect old glory.
One version blames the youth,
one version is like pulling a tooth,
third version is the truth.
Caught in bed with another,
warned about you by mother,
now there is one dead brother.
Used to be innocent and pure,
then came that deadly detour,
never felt so immature.
Found brother in the bed,
but with wife instead,
which of us brothers are dead.
The wife grabbed a loaded gun,
a mother about to lose a son,
no one here really won.
Which one did she shoot,
the air she did pollute,
a brother in his birthday suit.
One in hell, the other in jail,
set to high, was the bail,
weigh the tension with a scale.
Found innocent, then she fled,
blood still stains my old bed,
when I escape, she'll be dead.

Them
People stuck inside my head,
won't be gone til I'm dead.
Telling me what to do,
they told me to **** you.
Telling me what to say,
there is no any other way.
They tell me how to feel,
I'm a hamster in a spinning wheel.
They tell me what to touch,
sometimes it's a bit to much.
They tell me how to live,
for that I can't forgive.
They make me do unlawful things,
I'm an angel with no wings.
They say, I'm doing gods work.
it's getting fun, going berzerk.
They say my wings, put me in heaven,
all my kills equal seven.
They told me, I need ten,
it's just a matter of when.
They say, I'm about ready,
my last **** must be messy.
Them voices lied to me,
my soul never was set free.
After death, I was sent to hell,
it's where I landed, when I fell.
Now that those people are long gone,
guessing this is where I really belong.

The Scream

One, two
go *******
three, four,
you're a ****** *****
five, six
you love ******* *****
seven, eight
it's you I hate
nine, ten
never see you again.
I shot you now you're dead.
in your ******* head.
Now you're deep in the ground,
sometimes I hear a screaming sound.
Is it nightmare or a dream,
still I hear your silent scream.
Even after I moved far away,
in my head your scream did stay.
Then you dug from the grave,
your soul, you did save.
There is a knock at me door,
it was my dead headless *****.
She unloaded with a butchers knife,
should have kept her as my wife.

Love You/Love Me

I know why I love you
love you, love you.
I know why you love me,
love me, love me.
Remembering the day we first met,
your smile, blue eyes, and hair of brunette.
Had you laughing all long night,
it was love at first sight.
Your body smooth and thin,
you have the perfect skin.
No one is more beautiful,
what we do is unconstitutional.
You make me happy in my pants,
every night, we do the slam dance.
Found out why I love you,
love you, love you.
Found out why you love me,
love me, love me.
No one thought we'd last this long,
hey baby, we sure proved them wrong.
We're like two peas in a pod,
when we touch, it's a lighting rod.
We will never break apart,
we both know this, in our heart.
Our love is so very strong,
it's more on than Donkey Kong.
Loving that I love you,
love you, love you.
Loving that you love me,
love me, love.

So **** Cruel
I want to know, why you're such a *****,
is it because, you have a small ****.
I want to know, why you're so mean,
why do you always have to cause a scene.
I want to know what happened in your life,
you beat your kids, and you beat your wife.
I want to know, why you're so **** cruel,
you're more stubborn than a mule.
You have no friends,
will you ever make amends.
No one will ever like you,
whatever did you do.
I want to know, what's inside your head,
I just wish, that you would drop dead.
I want to know, why you're so **** cruel,
you used to be so funny and cool.
I want to know, why you lost your job,
maybe it's cause, you became a fat slob.
I want to know, why you're getting divorced,
is it something that is being enforced.
You lost your family, you lost your house,
I bet you're feeling smaller than a mouse.
I want to know, why you're so **** cruel,
so **** cruel.
Were you beaten as a child,
under *******, your name is filed.
How does it feel, to be all alone,
why do you even have a telephone.
I want to know, why you're so **** cruel,
so **** cruel.
On that day that you finally die,
not even I, will start to cry.
You are my dad,
your death will make me glad.
I just want to know, why you're so **** cruel,
so **** cruel.
You can rot in hell, for all we care,
we all hope that we are there.
Now it's years later, and I'm mean like you,
people now think that I'm cruel too.
Now you know why, I'm so **** cruel,
so **** cruel.

Four Stories
Knew a man, name was Jack,
sure did smoke lots of crack.
As his teeth began to rot,
doctors discovered a brain clot.
When he died, no one did care,
just a story, I had to share.
Knew a girl, name was Beth,
all she did, was smoke ****.
Brain fried couldn't talk,
had to crawl, couldn't walk.
On the day, that she did die,
not one person, started to cry.
Knew a boy, name was Harrison,
sure did shoot, lots of ******.
Dozing off now and again,
always missing his **** vein.
People knew he'd die soon,
veins popped just like a balloon.
Know a man, name is Reid,
all he does is smoke too much ****.
smoked bowls, joints and a ****,
banging his chest like King Kong.
he is here, as I speak,
we're getting ****** and feeling weak.

Bad Day
When things seem rough,
life getting way to tough.
Feel like giving up,
drinking from a Dixie cup.
No food on the table,
been awhile since cable.
No money to be found,
too shy to make a sound.
Already ate dogs and cats,
lowering down to only rats.
Lost the house, and the car,
no more cookies in the jar.
Living now with mom and dad,
roof overhead, just be glad.
Looking for any kind of job,
tired of being a lazy slob.
Not a dime in the bank,
Only yourself to thank.
Burned all the bridges,
never was very religious.
All this happened in a day,
hoping soon to find a way.
Things could get no worse,
drug overdose, put you in a hearse.
Just another lost soul,
who had no self control.

Contagious
Shed a tear when I'm seeing you,
you're skin is turning black and blue.
In a way I still must smile,
took pictures, cause its been awhile.
Was a moment when I had to laugh,
thought maybe you just had infection of staff.
There is no doubt you're all I see,
in the mirror, when taking a ***.
I just hope you aren't contagious,
contagious yeah, yeah.
I sit around trying to be alone,
afraid to even pick up the phone.
Being tense won't speed up the time,
but it helped with this Guns-n-Roses rhyme.
Take it slow, and I'll be fine,
no more time to mope and whine.
I just hope I'm not contagious,
if so, I'll need some more patience.
All the stars are still shinning bright,
maybe that will help shed some light.
I think I can make it, I'm not faking it,
very hard to break it, no longer can I take it.
Hope I'm not contagious yeah, yeah,
just a bit contagious yeah, yeah.
I've been praying every night,
hoping all will be alright.
Hard to see, while turning blue,
feet stuck like I stepped in glue.
Streets can't change except for the names,
sick and tired of all these stupid games.
I guess this means I'm contagious,
now I must be very courageous.
Whoa,I guess I'm contagious yeah, yeah,
Oh it seems I'm contagious yeah, yeah, yeah.
This *****, I will soon die,
being contagious, will lead to a cry.
I really hate being contagious yeah, yeah, yeah.

People
People born, people die
people torn, people cry
people smile, people frown
people style, people crown
people rock, people roll
people mock, people poll
people drive, people walk
people thrive, people talk
people play, people don't
people stay, people won't
people love, people hate
people shove, people mate
people win, people lose
people spin, people choose
people cheat, people steal
people greet, people feel
people happy, people shun
people snappy, people done
people ****, people swallow
people duck, people hollow.
People come all sorts of ways,
all but criminals, I give praise.

I Like
I like people who are short
I like people that are tall,
I like people with a wart,
I like people with a doll.
I like people who do drugs,
I like people who work,
I like people who give hugs,
I like people who are a ****.
I like people who are nice,
I like people that are mean,
I like people who give advice,
I like girls over eighteen.
I like girls in a thong,
I like girls in a summer dress,
I like girls from Hong Kong.
I like girls that are a hot mess.
I like girls in a bikini,
I like girls that are pretty,
I like girls dressed as a genie,
I like girls who show me pity.
I like girls who are smart,
I like girls who are dumb,
I like girls, not afraid to ****,
I like girls who make me ***.
Not one thing I don't like,
I like to walk, I like to bike.
I like *** in a bed,
I like *** on the couch,
I like *** with the dead,
I like *** with Oscar the Grouch.
I like *** in the open,
I like *** in private,
I like *** with a Trojan,
I like *** in any climate.
I like everything, can't you tell,
except people who really smell.

Once Lost
Walking in no mans land,
no one there, to hold my hand.
Been lost for some time,
until the day, I discovered rhyme.
Now my problems, I can cope,
maybe even, smoke some dope.
Once lost and now found,
Laura keeps me safe and sound.
My kids, I see when I dream,
it helps keep away my nightmare scream.
Finally found some piece of mind,
no longer am I blind.
Like a painter with great vision,
my minds needs no supervision.
It didn't take god, to find my way,
that's just what the weak people say.
Next time you're having some tough times,
grab pen and paper, and write down some rhymes.
It worked for me, it will work for you,
read my words to guide you through.

In Three

Pain, agony and defeat,
why even bother to compete.
***, love and massage,
feels like a wet mirage.
Smelly, ***** and debris,
in the shower, we always ***.
Rich, fortune and greed,
something I desperately need.
Power, ego and narcissistic,
they all equal sadistic.
Deaf, dumb and blind,
makes you fall far behind.
Silly, weird and eccentric,
could it be all genetic.
Brunette, redhead, and blonde,
too each, I'm quite fond.
******, acid and coke,
I prefer, just to smoke.
North, East and West,
South I like the best.
Snow, rain and hail,
anything worse, time to bail.
Alone, sad and depressed,
life is nothing but a test.
Hard, easy and the beginners,
us survivors are the winners.

Every

Every tunnel has a light,
Every flea has to bite,
Every food has been bitten,
every word has been written.
On those days that seem dark,
soon you will spot your spark.
On those days, where all goes wrong,
pack yourself a big fat ****.
When things are looking down,
life seeming like a ghost town.
Things will always get better,
******* makes a girl wetter.
Every dog has its day,
every person finds their way.
Every rose has its thorn,
every man will always watch ****.
Sometimes life can be so happy,
smile and stop feeling ******.
Always be thinking positive,
let it out like a laxative.
When the sun starts to set,
in the garbage, throw all debt.
Every baby has a mother,
every day is like no other.
Every story has an end,
every person needs a friend.

Undertaker

Hello all, hear what I say,
death to you, so please obey,
start by getting out of my way,
hoping you all have a great day.
Prepare to meet your maker,
I disconnect your circuit breaker,
Believe me, I'm no faker,
they call me the undertaker.
I take your rotting soul,
push you down a deep dark hole,
paid the devil one wealthy toll,
your parents should have used birth control.
I take kids that are young,
hurts so bad, I bite my tongue,
no more living, are they the among,
I've been bit, I've got stung.
Not a job, I like doing,
my contract, they're renewing,
children's vitamins, I've been chewing,
not a job worth pursuing.
A ***** job, but they made me do it,
I hate it, but I can't admit,
my own neck, I'd like to slit,
there last meal is a banana split.
It's not my fault, that they die,
wipe the tears from my eye,
I was a man you used to be shy,
gotta go, there was just another school drive by.

I Write About
I write about money,
I write about fame,
I write cause I'm funny,
I write about my shame.
I write about dreams,
I write about drugs,
I write about screams,
I write about thugs.
I write about you,
I write about me,
I write about poo,
I write about ***.
I write about blood,
I write about satin,
I write about mud,
I write about hating.
I write about ****,
I write about pain,
I write about escape,
I write about strain.
I write about ****,
I write about death,
I write about unborn,
I write about breath.
I write about devil,
I write about god,
I write about mental,
I write about fraud.
I will write about anything,
a girlfriend or a fling.
****** and molesting,
greed and possessing.
I write about anything I want,
I'm so good, I often flaunt..

Evil
Look inside my evil eyes,
you can see your demise.
Nothing but torture and pain,
clusters clog my evil brain.
Look inside my evil mind,
want to destroy all mankind.
Burn down every city,
I will show no **** pity.
Killing people just for fun,
maybe a knife, maybe a gun.
There is no one more evil,
on your ***, I'm going medieval.
Every human will slowly die,
no people left to cry.
I get more strong with each ****,
Enjoying all the blood, I spill.
Evil is what evil does,
I do this just because.
All animals I eat as food,
walking tall in the ****.
Blood and *****, all I drink,
am I evil, I sure do think.
No more humans left alive,
only I will survive.
Now I live in total darkness,
evil religion made me heartless.
Evil is my middle name,
I was born to play this game.

Pole Dancer

You've got the look,
gonna bait you with my hook.
You're so **** hot,
I got me a wet spot.
Imagining you naked,
hoping that you're vacant.
Long blonde wavy hair,
can't help but to stare.
All men can't help but glance,
as you start your stripper dance.
Poison is the music that you play,
was gonna leave, but now I'll stay.
Throwing dollars on the stage,
her petite body is all the rage.
Didn't take long to get hard.
her beauty kept me on guard.
Got a couch dance in the back,
she cut me no **** slack.
Spending money, like no tomorrow,
in the morning, I'll feel sorrow.
Bought you coffee and some pie,
then we said our last good-bye.
This night cost me a fortune,
good thing I'm a wealthy surgeon.
She came knocking on my door,
this **** stripper wants some more.
Had *** all night long,
she loved the size of my ****.
Quit her job and moved in,
then she brings her identical twin.
Every night is *** and laughter,
we all lived happily ever after.

I Love The Way
I love the way you smile,
haven't seen it in quite awhile.
I love the way you strut,
I treat you like my ****.
I love the way you yell,
you taught me how to spell.
I love the way you sing,
wedding bells, I do hear ring.
I love the way you think,
your farts sure do stink.
I love the way you laugh,
your neck is like a giraffe.
I love the way, you love me,
never have I felt so safe and free.
I love the way you walk,
too much you sometimes talk.
I love the way you push my buttons,
it's just to bad, that we're cousins.
I love the way you don't care,
our family warned us to beware.
I love the way you ride,
you helped me find my lost pride.
I love the way you rock,
my heart you did unlock.
I love the way you said good-bye,
we both knew the reasons why.
Kissing cousins should never last,
must move on and forget the past,
It was just a fifth cousin sensation,
soon it will be sweeping the nation.

Just The Facts
Baseball is America's pastime,
football players commit a crime.
Hockey players have names,
you can't pronounce or understand,
basketball players, seven feet tall they stand.
Nothing beats a cold can of coke,
anything else is just a joke.
Rock and roll, will always be king,
country is just a real long fling.
Wrestling, yes I know it's fake,
my all time favorite carried a snake.
Thanksgiving is a stupid tradition,
too much family, leaves you needing medication.
Why is American pie, made of apple,
I'd rather have a pumpkin Snapple.
Inside us all is a cancer,
another question, we can't answer.
I love my country with all my might,
murderers, rapists and molesters,
should be shot on sight.
Nothing better than a pork roll, egg and cheese,
run to Jersey, and just ask please.
Nothing like watching a great movie,
sometimes life can be pretty groovy.
*** is something, like no other,
just don't have it with your mother.

Say What
Wake up, wake up now,
when Batman punches, it reads pow.
First you're born, then you die,
just thinking about it, makes me cry.
Take advantage of every situation,
life is just fact or fiction.
No one knows, what the future will bring,
mud is the best medicine for a bee sting.
Take a shower when you stink,
farts can leave your eyes pink.
Sometimes life can seem rough,
remember someone else has it more rough.
Most friends are just fake,
so be good for goodness sake.
Some follow, some lead,
red is the color, we all bleed.
Don't ponder on a troubled past,
live now, and have a blast.
Go to sleep, go to sleep now,
first take your farewell bow,
Some give, some receive,
some fail, some achieve.
As the world fades to black,
yakety yak, don't talk back.

The Maze
Wandering through the endless maze,
been going on for several days.
Dead end here, dead end there,
dead ends everywhere.
Life always a constant struggle,
too many things, having to juggle.
Made a left, instead of a right,
a constant battle, with no end in sight.
All doors and windows shut,
butterflies filling up my gut.
Wandering inside without a key,
locked inside, where no one can see.
Stuck in this endless maze,
thought I finally found my ways.
I used to be so very strong,
how I was so very wrong.
All the corners look the same,
sick of this stupid game.
No way I'm ever breaking free,
so blind, I can't even see.
Wandering around this endless maze,
leaves my brain in a daze.
Suddenly I see a lighted reflection,
but still I'm in the wrong direction.
I'm forever stuck in this maze,
for once in my life, I can't amaze.

She Said
Fire burning out of control,
inside my heart, inside my soul.
You captured part of me,
it brings me down, to one knee.
Been dating for some years,
the ring I got, put her in tears.
Sweating, waiting for that yes,
my head she gives a caress.
She said sorry, but answer is no,
I smacked that *****,
like a rapper to a **.
How could she turn me down,
and in my own **** home town.
She said, I wasn't worthy,
now she's laid out on a gurney.
I flipped out and kicked her ***,
using knuckles made of brass.
This is my worst ever nightmare,
sometimes life just isn't fair.
As she laid ****** and bruised,
my brain became dazed and confused.
Cops came, took me away,
now I eat on a prison tray.
I can still hear that ***** scream,
merrily, merrily, merrily,
life is but a dream.

Meant To ****
Sun sets in the west,
full moon slowly rising.
You can hear the distant howls,
so far, I've used twenty vowels.
Playing baseball with some friends,
it ain't over til it's over.
Hit myself a line drive double,
tried for third, but got in trouble.
Do you care what I say,
if you don't, then it's ok.
Time flying so very fast,
hard to remember my troubled past.
Who cares what you think,
this poem is starting to stink.
Not everyone can be a classic,
I was due for a clunker.
Not every dog has its day,
poor dogs, they have no say.
Some may bark, some may bite,
putting then down, isn't a pretty sight.
This poor poem had no chance,
I just gave it a second glance.
Time to put this out of its misery,
and finally end this poem catastrophe.

Smack
Smack my *** in a car,
smack my *** in a bar.
Smack my ***, here or there,
I don't believe in any underwear.
I love a good *** smack,
right below the plumbers crack.
If I'm naked or wearing clothes,
smacking my *** is what I propose.
Smack my *** in the bed,
smack my *** after I'm dead.
Smack my *** up or down,
smack my *** in any town.
Smack my ***, cause I said so,
smack my *** before you go.
It doesn't matter where or how,
smack my ***, please right now.
Smack it good, smack it hard,
give my *** it's best regard.
You know you want to smack my ***,
just please no more broken glass.
Smack my *** in the shower,
whack it good, with all your power.
Smack my *** in the street,
my *** deserves a good beat.
Smack my *** and never stop,
maybe this boil will someday pop.

Fight Club
Kicking *** and taking names,
laying ground work and staking claims.
One punch and down you go,
all it takes is one fatal blow.
****** fists and a broken nose,
wearing spikes and stomping toes.
****** lip and two black eyes,
getting kicked between the thighs.
You only lose if you tap,
make me bleed, and watch me snap.
Haven't lost a single fight,
don't matter if you're black or white.
We have over a thousand members,
all takes place in chained chambers.
Do you think you have what it takes,
no time outs, or any breaks.
No Edward Norton or Brad Pitt,
no need for a fighting permit.
This fight club has no rules,
I love kicking in the family jewels.
You fight friends, you fight foes,
that's just the way it goes.
Come join our exclusive fight club,
just don't forget your ticket stub.

Weeble Wobble
Got no arms, got no legs,
in my holes, people place pegs.
Got no ears, got no nose,
made special are my clothes.
Got no eyes, got no hair,
only my *******, come in a pair.
Got no teeth, got no tongue,
I only got one **** lung.
I'm a Weeble Wobble that is flimsy,
I *** a lot with only one kidney.
My belly button, is how I ***,
my life *****, you must agree.
Got no *****, got no *****,
a Weeble Wobble never falls.
Wear a special diaper for my ****,
all I can eat is tomato soup.
Got a nurse to feed, bathe and wipe,
she also helps me hold my peace pipe.
People think I'm a geek,
a helpless ******* and a freak.
I'm forever wheelchair bound,
Weeble Wobbles are always round.
I ride a bus made for a ****,
hang me on the wall, and call me art.

The Ocean
The ocean, I like to go,
except days, when it might snow.
I like the ocean, colored blue,
jamming out to some Motley Crue.
Girls in a two piece thong,
no way, you can go wrong.
Laying towels in the sand,
lovers holding each others hand.
Boogie boarding on the wave,
these are things, that I crave.
Getting the perfect tan,
girls all drooling over one man.
Swimming in the warm gulf water,
with my awesome son, and my beautiful daughter.
Wet sand can make a castle,
hard to walk, wish I had a camel.
Getting wet, when you're hot,
a jet ski, I just bought.
Sunglasses on to scope the chicks,
put some **** in the brownie mix.
I love the ocean, for all the above,
don't get in the path of the water,
or you will get a giant shove.

On Drugs
Stop, drop and roll,
stripper dancing on a pole,
missing the toilet bowl,
having no self-control.
Drinking morning coffee,
inside hotel lobby,
seconds that are sloppy,
that's my favorite hobby.
Being super drunk,
more than a skunk,
***** has shrunk,
****** rock is called punk.
Smoking last cigarette,
withdrawal is a threat,
I still prefer a cassette,
will always be in debt.
Eating eggs with some ham,
with my good friend Sam,
will never eat a yam,
but will snort a gram.
This is a big mistake,
putting **** in my cake,
on your head is a snake,
it's time for a break.
Can't stop the giggle,
deep ******* a pickle,
boy it sure does tickle,
mystery wrapped in a riddle.
Shot ****** in the park,
dozing off in the dark,
my arm has a giant mark,
needle bites like a shark.
Smoked me some killer crack,
teeth rotting and turning black,
I cut myself no slack,
smoked **** and had a heart attack.
Now I'm as dead as a door nail,
my parents, I sure did fail,
can you believe I graduated Yale,
death sure does beats jail.

Ghost

Ghost in the attic,
I can feel a certain static.
Ghost in the hall,
picture frames start to fall.
Ghost in my closet,
looking for a new deposit.
Ghost under my bed,
I hope its been fed.
Ghost in my mind,
not liking what they find.
Faucets begin to drip blood,
eyes tearing, starting to flood.
All doors begin to squeak,
so scared, I can't even speak.
Mind racing with evil thoughts,
all I can see are red spots.
Ghost inside, made me possessed,
sending a signal that's distressed.
Phone rings but no one there,
I'm a male version of Linda Blair.
Head spinning round and round,
if only I could just make a sound.
Moved into a house of hell,
my life is ******, if you couldn't tell.
I'm living to die,
but dying to live,
whatever I did,
this ghost won't forgive.
Now I'm a ghost, and the house for sale,
they didn't even wait for my last coffin nail.

Prison Life

As I ran into your arms,
I heard bells, I heard alarms.
Our love was always strong,
together we could do no wrong.
Finally out of this prison cell,
my jail time was pure hell.
I was violated all sorts of ways,
nothing to do, but count the days.
Guilty of a crime, I didn't do,
they made me spit, swallow and chew.
My *** will never be the same,
they made me play the prison game.
Now I'm back home, where I belong,
had enough of that prison song.
It ***** being wrongfully accused,
my ******* is forever bruised.
I missed my wife, missed my child,
it's been awhile since I last smiled.
Never again will I be constipated,
prison life was very complicated.
I have nightmares, every single night,
my poor *** is no longer tight.
Me and my wife, broke up a year later,
I became a woman hater.
I converted back to men,
the priest gave my *** an amen.

I Am

I am the the one who writes,
on your Facebook wall.
I am the reason,
for Humpty Dumpties great fall.
Most of you probably never even read,
you all dig the hole, I just plant the seed.
Without me, you know you'd all be bored,
I have a trophy case, but never won an award.
Writing is fun, oh how I love to shock,
for you who don't like,
you can **** my ****.
I can have you laughing,
rolling on the floor,
I can drink your blood,
til I want no more.
I can make you squirm,
I can make you squeal,
if ever found guilty,
I certainly will appeal.
I have no **** money,
not even a lousy dime,
but still I won't steal,
or commit any crime.
Living my life to the fullest,
dodging all oncoming bullets.
If you don't like what I write,
I don't give a ****,
there isn't a hole,
where my **** wouldn't fit.
I am the writer, who writes on your wall,
I just snorted an entire eight ball.
I am Santa, you all are my elf,
and if you don't like it,
just go **** yourself.

Love Affair

When love fails,
and lover bails.
***** is gone,
just move on.
Plenty of fish in the sea,
doesn't require a college degree.
Date her sister,
date her friend,
this is what I recommend.
She lied and she cheated,
on your phone, number got deleted.
Let her love your dad and brother,
just sleep with her slutty mother.
Now she stalks your every move,
this is something, you don't approve.
The restraining order has no affect,
your thoughts, you must now collect.
For some reason, you get back together,
missing all that lace, handcuffs and leather.
Things are now better than ever,
a new chapter, you two enter.
You have made this a family affair,
you let them watch, they love to stare.
A little gross, but oh well,
just another way, to end up in hell.

Done It All

Been to hell and came back,
shot some ******, smoked some crack.
Walked on water, parted the Red Sea,
took a ****, took a ***.
Not a thing, I haven't done,
sometimes lost, sometimes won.
Had *** all sorts of ways,
wrote the Kamasutra, in just two days.
Wrestled Austin, boxed Ali,
I play naked when I volley.
Climbed to the highest mountain,
also drank from the youth fountain.
Ain't nothing I can't do,
when a ghost, I'll yell boo.
The most interesting man in the world,
is nothing but a joke,
I cracked his shell,
then drank his yolk.
I know every word in the dictionary,
my skills are so revolutionary.
You come to me with your pain,
you silly fools have no brain.
I know magic, I know illusions,
I come to my own conclusions.
Been everywhere in this world,
a bit eccentric and a lot disturbed.
When I was born, they broke the mold,
I've never once had a cold.
I will die on my own terms,
cremate me, I want no worms.

Can't Take No More

Never been so humiliated,
not once ever appreciated.
For years, been holding my tongue,
my bell has already rung.
Tired of taking peoples crap,
one more thing and I will snap.
No more time for chit chat,
I'm grabbing my baseball bat.
Next one who messes with me,
will have one broken knee.
Held in my anger, way to long,
I don't care if it's wrong.
Time to start busting heads,
no stitches or any threads.
Blood will gush from the brain,
ain't got time to explain.
I won't stop til you die,
as I watch your family cry.
Remember the time, when a bully,
now you're hanging from my pulley.
Blood dripping on the floor,
your organs, I will explore.
People are missing, police have no clue,
my basement is a blood bath zoo.
Now that are the bullies are gone,
maybe now, we all can get along.

I'm Pregnant

Do you think you're fat like me,
looks like I'm pregnant with twins.
Gained forty pounds in two short years,
never thought I'd reach two hundred pounds.
If you don't give a **** like me,
then don't even worry about it.
If you care then try a diet,
exercise as often as possible.
I bring to you,
for a one time offer,
the I don't give a **** diet.
Jam packed with all things bad for you,
sit on your *** all day and do nothing.
That's my diet secret, no pain, all gain.
I like my big fat tummy,
it assures that my food is yummy.
I find it funny,
when fat people order a steak and three sides,
then they ask for a diet soda,
like that's gonna do anything.
People who say they love the taste,
must be lying, cause diet soda is nasty.
Oh those days when I was skinny,
dorky face and bushy blonde hair.
Not sure which one of me looked better,
but hot ****, no one makes the girls wetter.

Best Friends

You are my best friend,
be that way, til the end.
My life is so great,
we met when we were eight.
You lived on the same street,
just a matter of time, before we'd meet.
I was the new kid in town,
you helped erase my frown.
We played doctor at age of ten,
I was in love ever since then.
We were voted prom king and queen,
******* at age eighteen.
Got married, day after graduation,
our honeymoon was summer vacation.
We went to the same college,
bot having the same knowledge.
I have the greatest wife,
we have the perfect life.
Then it all fell apart,
you tore out my bleeding heart.
Took her life and off she went,
I tried everything to prevent.
There was nothing I could do,
she left me with ***** of blue.
Cancer was the reason for her departure,
lots of pain and tons of torture.
Now the kids live with me,
cancer has now set her free.
I begged her to stop smoking,
now my spirit is badly broken.
Took some time, but we got over,
I found myself a new four leaf clover.
Met a stripper from Santa Fe,
we got married without delay.
Our teenage boys both agreed,
they approved of daddy's ***** little deed.
Now I have a new best friend,
you should see the way she can bend.

Not meant to be offensive to any cancer victims,
I respect you all so very much just the way the story played out.

Hot Blonde

The ****** tension turns me on,
like a baby buck, with a new found fawn.
Feel the heat as it burns inside,
not a woman, who gets denied.
She turns heads where ever she goes,
her smile, her blue eyes, and her twinkled nose.
Hair is blonde, skin is white,
I've lost control of wrong and right.
Got to have her no matter what,
the butterflies are eating my gut,
Works at a diner, down the block,
I heard she ***** one mean ****.
Diner always packed with ***** men,
I wait my turn to see her again.
There she is, right in front of me,
all I could say was, How it be.
She laughed, thought it was funny,
never seen eyes so runny.
We went out after work,
will try not to act like a ****.
Went to a movie, after dinner,
back at my place, I became a sinner.
We did things, you couldn't imagine,
for that one night, I was the captain.
Woke up and she was gone,
he note read, We don't belong.
She died that very next day,
if you think I did it, then no way.

I Hate/I Love

I hate people that are wrong,
I hate people that don't belong,
I hate smoking from a ****.
I love women that are black,
I love women that are white,
I love women that are tight.
I hate gossip, I hate drama,
I hate using an inverted comma,
I hate Presidents,
that look like a black llama.
I love a cheap *****,
I love how they wear that special stamp,
I also love lamp.
I hate American Idol,
I hate Glee,
I hate a lot, don't you agree.
I love money,
I love fame,
I love my picture, in a golden frame.
I hate things that are weak,
I hate people that are too nice,
I hate saying the same thing twice,
I hate saying the same thing twice.
I love wrestling, even though it's fake,
I love the Phillies, if you wanna talk baseball,
I love that with me, you're all in awe.
I hate begging,
I hate asking,
I hate my car, when I'm crashing.
I love family,
I love friends,
I love the way this poem ends.

Aliens

No more birds, no more trees,
no more begging on the knees.
No more sun, no more moon,
it all happened on the sixth of June.
Aliens decide to attack,
they ate people like a Big Mac.
All buildings turn to rubble,
aliens hit the daily double.
No more animals, no more people,
not even a cockroach or a beetle.
Only darkness lingers over,
aliens became Earths new owner.
It only took a hundred years,
the sun suddenly reappears.
One man rose from the darkness,
no more did he have blindness.
Killed all aliens one by one,
lucky for him, he found a machine gun.
Now this man stands alone,
his whereabouts are now unknown.
Took a spaceship and is now missing,
looking for a new planet, to go fishing.
When ever there is injustice on a planet,
evil alien killer, is his talent.
This new movie,
comes out the sixth of June,
the first starting time,
will be at high noon.

Depends

Woke up, took my morning ****,
the toilet bowl, I sure did miss.
****** on the tile floor,
leaked to the bathroom door.
****** on my feet,
some made it to the seat.
Cleaned up and took a shower,
feels like I lost a special power.
****** again but on the curtain,
my ***** control, I lost for certain.
I guess it's time to **** sitting down,
then I noticed that my underwear was brown.
It was a massive skid mark,
hard to see when it's dark.
I guess it's time for Depends,
my man hood, I will defends.
Maybe this is just a phase,
my underwear, I set a blaze.
I hope this is a temporary problem,
this is making me feel less awesome.
Last night I **** and ****** my bed,
I bought a gun, cause I'd rather be dead.