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Allen Wilbert Dec 2013
I
I

Grab my pen and paper and write down some words,
**** the green trees and all the colorful birds.
I write about destruction and pain,
I love wind, thunder, lightning and heavy rain.
I write about ******, I write about ****,
just for fun, it's a good mental escape.
I write about love, when in the mood,
*** is better when in the ****.
I write about me as often as I can,
why not I am the greatest man.
I write about blood gushing from your chest,
it helps me relax, when feeling stressed.
I love to scare, I love to shock,
my words are better than my talk.
I write about my kids, but not enough,
I love writing while in the buff.
I write about the woman I love,
when we fight, I wanna get rid of.
I write about alcohol, drugs and pills,
after buying them, I can't afford my bills.
I write about friends, real or fake,
their all sneaky, slimy, just like a snake,
I can make you smile and giggle,
I love watching a girl wiggle.
If you like me than great,
but it's ok if me you hate.
Writing sets my mind at ease,
I beg you to buy my book please.
I alone made Facebook what it is today,
my rough life has turned my hair gray.
I love to brag, I love to boast,
I deserve a Comedy Central Roast.
One last thing before I go,
my car broke down, can someone give me a tow.
Allen Wilbert Dec 2013
Smelly Feet

In the sun, feel the heat,
and the odor of my smelly feet.
All people squeezing their nose,
from the cheese between my toes.
Shoes melted on the road,
smell spreading to the next zip code.
Even I'm wearing a gas mask,
sipping whiskey from my flask.
Feet burning as I start to run,
stick a fork in them, they're done.
Still a mile left to go,
I can see my feet as they glow.
Leaving melting skin far behind,
left sunglasses home and going blind.
Hot tar starting to melt,
I'd do anything for a conveyor belt.
Soaking feet when I get home,
Pretty soon, I will see bone.
My house is just down the block,
vultures circling as they stalk.
Getting worse is the odor,
laughing at me is the Caddyshack gopher.
The Rock wants to know what I'm cooking,
it's my feet, that is brewing.
The smell is spreading worldwide,
my feet are now Kentucky fried.
People cheer as I reach my door,
**** my feet are very sore.
Sprayed my feet with tough acting Tinactin,
burned so bad it melted the rest of my skin.
Soaked my bones in cold water,
never have I felt a road more hotter.
Sprayed Fabreze for about an hour,
then I took a long cold shower.
Moonshine and pain pills dull my pain,
it was my own fault so can't complain.
Now I wear special shoes,
my smelly ***** feet even made the news.
Allen Wilbert Dec 2013
Cliche

Life ***** then you die,
try and laugh, no need to cry.
Everyday is a new beginning,
can't keep my head from spinning.
Life's a journey, not a destination,
waiting for my train at the local station.
Same ole ****, different day,
always do things your own way.
Don't you hate when that happens,
food on face, with no napkins.
Try walking in someone else's shoes,
it doesn't really matter who's.
Don't worry, be happy,
no need to be snappy.
Always do as your told,
that cliche is getting old.
Another day, another dollar,
midgets are people too, just smaller.
Don't bite the hand that feeds you,
unless of course it's filled with poo.
You can't always get what you want,
but when you do, always flaunt.
Every rose has its thorn,
why does **** look like corn.
Find the light at the end of the tunnel,
I badly want a mistletoe belt buckle.
Don't know what you got, till it's gone,
if you got brains, you don't need brawn.
Love will find a way,
I once heard a band say.
Fame is only fifteen minutes long,
where you're at, is where you belong.
Friends come and friends go,
but it's family, you will always watch grow.
There is always a mountain, you must climb,
everyone will commit at least one crime.
Put that in your pipe and smoke it,
if you have a son, buy him a baseball mitt.
Only believe in what you see,
bad things always happen in three.
Don't always believe what you hear or read,
red blood, is what we all bleed.
Knock, knock who's there,
before you open, please beware.
Knick, knack, paddy, whack,
all girls love a good *** smack.
Money don't grow on trees,
in life there are no guarantees.
Allen Wilbert Dec 2013
The Pope

I'm a high powered man of the cloth,
when I get *****, I stick my thing in cold chicken broth.
I can't have ***, I can't have ***,
but sometimes I send an anonymous text.
The Vatican should be called The Vatican't,
sorry for this unfortunate rant.
Not sure how much more I can take,
under my robe is a venomous snake.
People all day like to kiss my ring,
when girls kiss it, it starts to spring.
Having no *** is driving me bad,
going crazy and making me mad.
I can't have ***, I can't have ***,
why did god give me this hex.
Slept with a nun in my ******* last night,
it felt so good and she was so tight.
Whenever a girl smiles or starts to flirt,
under my robe, I begin to squirt.
Sometimes when my ***** get blue,
I kneel down at the nearest pew.
I can't have ***, I can't have ***,
this religion is so **** complex.
I get driven around in this bullet proof trough,
I got the only gun that might go off.
Why did I become a catholic priest,
I'd even take a girl, with infection of yeast.
Last night in bed, I decided to sin,
it was time to rip out the firing pin.
I stroked it once, I stroked it twice,
I must say it felt very nice.
Seconds later out shot my *****,
dripping down my body like a slimy worm.
From this day on, I felt like a new man,
I now do it as often as I can.
Tired of having soap on a rope,
******* it, I'm the ******* pope.
No more underwear under my robe,
hard to tell, next time I'll wanna probe.
I can't have ***, I can't have ***,
cause if I do, god won't sign my checks.
Allen Wilbert Dec 2013
9 Years

Blood dripping from the walls,
getting nothing but crank calls.
Doors squeaking like never before,
not a chance, you could ignore.
Doors locked, windows won't break,
the house is now beginning to shake.
Moans coming from the attic,
nothing has ever been this dramatic.
Hearing noises from the basement,
dead bodies rising from the cement.
All the food is covered with maggots,
what is causing all this madness.
Hiding in the bedroom closet,
my body they want as a deposit.
Are they zombies or vampires,
maybe ghosts creating empires.
So scared, I **** my pants,
my body parts will become transplants.
This is the night of the living dead,
house built on a cemetery, so the demons said.
They tore the closet door wide open,
I stood there without a single motion.
They start to eat me piece by piece,
I could see my soul release.
The blood from the walls was mine,
the years I've been dead is nine.
For nine years, I've hid from hell,
I always wondered why I always had a bad smell.
Allen Wilbert Dec 2013
Not Sure

Not sure about the future,
it gets no better, is the rumor.
Not sure about the past,
it sure did go by fast.
Not sure about the present,
right now, I'm popping a tent.
Not sure about the time,
how long do we stay in prime.
Not sure about me,
on that issue, I'll bargain a plea.
Not sure about you,
a friendship still under review.
Not sure how we got here,
someday we will all disappear.
Not sure what life's about,
but I can still make the girls shout.
Not sure about money,
having none, makes eyes runny.
Not sure about ***,
or when I'll get it next.
Not sure about the weather,
when it's cold, I wear my leather.
Not sure why I wrote this,
why are there holes in Swiss.
Not sure about what's real,
or why my skin I like to peel.
Not sure if you're aware,
if I loose my *****, I have a spare.
Not sure if any of this makes sense,
just putting in my two cents.
Allen Wilbert Dec 2013
Treat Me Bad

I like to be treated bad,
slapping my face, won't make me mad.
Smack my *** with a whip,
in frozen water, I'd skinny dip.
Hit me with your stupid car,
watch me as I fly real far.
Go ahead and kick me in the *****,
push me over Niagara Falls.
Shoot me with your favorite gun,
I'll just get back up and start to run.
Stab me with a knife in the back,
I'll dull the pain by smoking crack.
Hit me with a baseball bat,
make me eat a rabid rat.
Squeeze my ***** and bite my ****,
make me a watch a boring chick flick.
I'll eat liver that is raw,
punch me hard and break my jaw.
Throw me through the toughest window,
use me as bait, just like a minnow.
Chop off my fingers and my toes,
I'll find a way to wipe my *** and pick my nose.
Whatever happens, I will survive,
I may be late but I'll eventually arrive.
Toss me from the tallest building,
I'm always ready, able and willing.
I love torture, I love pain,
I run with the bulls, when in Spain.
I love when people yell at me,
I'll eat your **** and drink your ***.
I've been tarred-and-feathered,
that was a moment, I truly treasured.
I've been bloodied, I've been bruised,
offered band aids, but always refused.
You might find me a bit strange,
but I'm homeless and will do anything for spare change.
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