If I showed you my body bare
Through the shock, would you even care
That I stripped down layer by layer
Just to show you my innermost scares.

First is the very top layer
The girl with the messy dyed brown hair
The smiles and the laughter
Hiding all the pain that comes out after.

Second is the life of the party
Loud laughs, happy and hearty
Nothing to worry her pretty little mind
An empty, intoxicated mind.

Third is the loving pet-o-phile
That wants to travel from Paris to the Nile
Passionate shopper, day dreamer
But when she's angry, never meaner.

Fourth is the girl not many know
Called horrible things like a ***** and ***
She does not care about what they say
Waits all year for the two months after May.

Fifth is the bottle of open pills
And all she wants to do to herself is ****
The trust in life no longer there
The girl with the messy dyed brown hair.

She reaches out to touch me,
and I don't feel it.

The gesture, the movement
Was there
But is she?

Clouds filled with density floating around
It's the particles
Better than dry air

I look into her eyes
I am sad, I feel alone
I say nothing,
Please don't let me sulk
Draw the line

Distance apart
Hearts separated
"I'm not sure anymore"
I let out a deep sigh,
is your heart still in it?

Laughs of despair and mania
A contrast of the two,
one cannot live without the other

And so the times go on
We keep feeling, in our beds, under our sheets
Pondering
The thoughts we only think up when we are alive
and sleep

Is she in it?/Or is it just me?
Can she still be there?/Or will she set it free?
It,
my heart, my blades, all my weapons
I lay it all on the table
Awareness of always on the defense
I cross my heart

There are reasons, I have you know
That all of this isn't about gaining trust
It's about gaining pain

I turn around on the bed,
not visualizing her leaving me
She buttons up her jacket
"I can't do this anymore"

I let out a deep sigh
Sharp pains in my chest
My throat getting tight
Feels like a blow to the face
Of icy wind that is getting into my eye and salt sizzling inside

It hurts.

But I love you.

I let out a deep sigh
A wish
"Is this love?"
Throw a penny
into the home-made drum
It bounces not once but twice.
That's a double yes.

Hopefully my hopelessness doesn't get in the way
Wishing, well
Wallowing me not

That tiny devil whispers to me,
"Come on, darling, let them run free!"
He sits on my shoulder and purrs in my ear,
"Baby, baby, you don't need to fear.
I won't hurt you, trust and see,"
This is what he says to me.
Day after day he cries out my name
Pleading with me not to feel shame.
"These deeds are not sins," he whispers with glee,
"These deeds will release you, like a bird on a tree."

it's not that
i still love you,
it's just that
i don't yet know
how to be
around you without
reaching out
for your
hand

I have spaces between my fingers
And scrapes along my knees
And there are cracks between my lips
Where empty words are breathed
Now can you see - that i am not complete?
Im waiting for your arrival
and when you come, please do not leave

she used to be afraid
to drown in pool water
but now her thoughts
tell her to jump further