desperate to jump
at the sound of the pistol
eager
early
bouncing on my toes
business business
nightmares
and creeping neck twitch
aches innumerable
breaks inevitable
frightened
falling
taking the blows
business business
daymares
no sleeping with this stitch

placement
position the artefact
location, love and broken back
tear open
sanitise the heart attack
this was where we used to build
this is where the blood was spilled

arraignment
(all) time and space
now lost to black
spoken
sanitise the heart attack
this was where i lost my pills
this is where i almost killed

here you are
in a tug-o-war with your own hands
heart yanked this way and that
torn between what you wish for and what you don't desire
unfortunately the same thing...

abandoned by the one i love
forcing myself to let go
now all i hold is my heart in my hand
dripping crimson upon the snow

the oxygen is running low
i am starting to bend
like reading an emotional diary
pulled into the shallows
there's still enough water to drown in

i'm like eggshells under fragile ice
like eggshells under fragile ice
eggshells under fragile ice
cracked

consumed
sidetracked by cleanliness
you were
museum closes in half an hour
picture seat
picture seat
there you sat

subsumed
distract your mental mess
go there
sometimes the rain is just a shower
picture seat
picture seat
where you sat

i should have known when I said ok
when I opened myself to intrigue
and you to contamination
foolishness is a strict teacher
but at least I know
never again
will I lose that focus

crawling through the waste pipe
dripping knees and
dragging feet
emerge into nothingness
drawn and pegged in the desert heat

all consideration
heart lock
now the chain chokes my neck
trinket of the broken

crawling through the waste pipe
dripping knees and
dragging feet
will there be a placard
this tortured soul to meet

pieces of nothing
deadly wings
a desperate pleading
the pain of the sting

an assumption of benefit
causal distress
the pieces don’t fit
end up with less

potency of nightmare
tell-tale tang of poison
another empty stare
all lost all gone

nothing organic
barely human
the organs duly report (what they’re told)
disgust
nothing could be more free range
than a chemtrail

disinformation camps
with fences unseen
no concentration
in this wealth of the obscene
buried heads
scratching for the next thing

nowhere to hide
from this deathly poison
of ignorance
of intent
of idiocy

with each passing day
my space in this place
seems farther away

it’s become all too common
both real and surreal
just trying to press on

why did you place me in here
imprisoning me in this
dilapidated shell
with erroneous genes
and destruction
cell by cell
what is your purpose
why won’t you share the meaning
instead leaving me demeaned
crippled
broken
and bleeding

sometimes horizons don’t make a sound
sometimes horizons are not around
sometimes horizons can not be found
they’re so far away

sometimes horizons are not as one
despite the appearance of location

open your eyes
take your hands away
see the new day waiting
i am waiting too

where did you go
what forced you to leave
could you not feel the passion
were you so in thrall to the pain
now wracked by emotions
images painted on torn canvas
now cracked to collapse
there is no reason but you
there is no world without
my own foolishness scrapes like blackboard nails
digging into doubt
the answers lay in front of our faces
still we didn’t see
we held the elements
to set ourselves free

she took him there
as soon as she could drag him away
just a spell
now a season in hell
has broken him
for her it’s joy
so far apart
residency of the heart

discharge
with dishonour
respite still
a chance to recharge
break away
run away
and find the truth
hour by hour
the only way
the only chance
for happiness

games like small children
fire like the hell pit
relentless stupidity
disgust and aching soul
all the dogs are black
barking and biting
chewing to the bone

syphilitic like groupie ******
sycophantic like talk show hosts
skies of swine
and rivers of dirt that can't flow
people undervalued
fighting and clawing
for a morsel to take home

dreams like night terrors
opportunity like a flu vaccine
black hole emptiness
always night but never peaceful
militant peacekeepers
targets all lined up
wrangled into old chains

longing for the end
for the end of the world
trying to bring it ever closer
just to hold it tight

i never change
but my evolution continues
in the end i'll become
a deadly light
piercing into your eyes
hell's surprise
wretched rendering
aches from wandering
back and forth over and over
lands that hold no place for me

evolve out of this
unto a new plane
where everything isn't wrong inside
anymore
return to the unbroken
refresh this form
forlorn no longer the norm
identity secure
waters run pure
and perfection no longer exists in a vacuum

she keeps him interested
aching heart arrested
this despairing break in momentum
a killing thing
breaking
control disappears
flooded by tears
as broken love flies around the room
aching soul caught in the gloom
desperate presentation
like it even matters
soiled with the beauty that evades
this is how life fades
challenged not to swallow
again
yet somehow desiring that
floor-bound convulsion
running running
away from here
foolish ideas won't carry anywhere
yet they brought him here

the hole is worn
like a poor jigsaw wielder
aching at the job
now rubbed smooth
friction or gap filler or some such
permanent marking pens
stain the perimeter
is he here to clean
gleam
ream
the in-between
particle board chip breaking
desperate aching
past pieces keep his mind together
even as he spills
his pills dropping to the floor
no-one here
no-one knowing
no return

expediency
not even a week
care became disdain
love became hate
despicable
hateful heat
my body beaten
down
down
down
the fool loses his mind
loses his time
and there’s nothing left inside
darkened well
down
down
down

this does not happen
twice
hence being the one
feeling the warmth of a rising sun
never before to have peeked
above the horizon
never before has the world
shone this way

never will it again
hellish travails
beating nastiness
paths disappear into the distance
swallowed by the horizon
by the setting sun
a nighttime meal

where is my place
where do i belong
where is my strength
where is my song

poised without placement
building blocks work in your fingers
fumbling,
messing the tower
babel falls
you’ll never rebuild
you’ll never get it right
disgust at powers
at spiteful hours
in places where demons hover
will there be a way to recover
all you ever lost?
has the question crossed your mind…
this time?
same rime
no rhyme nor reason
once again another beastly season
do you see where the hate comes from?
why you’ll never be
what you thought you were…
can’t come back now
here i’m stuck in this molasses mess
where i get devoured
a little further every day

desperate word duelling
a fight without aggression
desperation pervades
antagonism delayed

so beaten
beaten down
so beaten
only frown

ferocity tucked away
yet the beastly come to play
a beating reckoned
the pain provisioned

so beaten
beaten down
so beaten
beaten
beaten down

beastly nights
anxious unsettled mornings
drift slowly
into languid afternoons
grasping
holding
clutching the sunset
until dusk bites the fingers
can we not linger
longer
with each moment
we are stronger
the cool evening breeze
brings disease
within its gusts
hence why we must
bolster ourselves
and remain strong

luxuriate
my lovely
…lovely
one
dip in the hot pool
soften the skin
ease
exfoliate
murmur within
deep within
my lovely
…lovely
one

he shouldn't be with anyone
but he wants to be with her
there's something about her
everything
that simply makes him
stir like a baby
waking with a start
no further sleep forthcoming
clutching his pounding
heart
in mouth
abdominal mature caterpillars
flit and flutter his insides
until emotions spill
as tears

love is the creation
of imagination
imagination
is the language of the soul
to allow the fantasy
yields no harm nor foul

sometimes they wept
through momentum kept
yet in the end all would mend
as in each other's arms
their souls slept

distance wouldn't tear them
the way itself would keep them
challenge has been their retribution
though victory is assured
the bud blooms at the top of
the stem

best to have stayed at home
supplies all accounted for
beer
tequila
pizza
oh, something else to eat?
we’ll pick up some chinese food
and cigarettes
and some snacks
maybe watch a movie
before we close in tight
entwined with one another
for the night

she goes right into my head
speaks differently in bed
like a
purr
enticing yet calming
thoroughly
delighting
all senses
serpentine fountain
writhing in the garden
delighting
emotion laced with attitude
such a thing to observe
her
in herself
moments of freedom
blessings shared
with reckless abandon
they are one
they are
they are

i part from you
pills
pipe
i sit and watch the rain in a haze
blurred streaks
against tree silhouettes
my mind is affixed
to you
grab a beer and stay here
for awhile…

i'm encircled with
everything
when i'm in your arms
the sound of
the rain
will always be our song

these febrile young ladies
bouncing nearby
***** things
gaffer tape
belts and scarves taut
i become reptilian
my self a disgrace
but on my face it drips
on my face
it drips
clean scented
with a little funk
shower not yet been taken tonight
that bouncing works up
a sweat
no matter the time of day
the n word won’t work here (nubile)
they are simple
and simply
untouched

don’t tell me what i should want
don’t tell me it’ll all work out fine
don’t pass me books on mutual agreement
with the look in your eye that says
try
i can’t pass through forever
knowing only of my mistakes
unless they’ve become worth something
and cut me a few breaks

don’t attempt to foil the gods of fate
don’t make me look back
verging on hate
nor try to tell me you know better
than i
where i must reside
spit and **** will fly my way
i will fill my cup
all your vitriol
i’ll lap it all up

because i will be mine
my path will make or break
i am not ignorant
to the chances that i take

perched
poised
placed upon pillows
and cushions
pushing
probing
penetrating places
internal and eternal

raised
raising
raving so ravenous
and feverish
rendezvous
recollected
remembering rapes
communal and consensual

telegraphic
telepathic
tell-tale tortures
and trials
tender
talismanic
treasured in totality
bitter and beloved

life is about chances
he takes his from the form guide
some weeks are lean
and others, mean
but some he has all he needs
plus more besides
he bends his elbow along the way
though it never seems too much
more a perk of the job
than a crutch
dressed the same each day
just like the suits in town
the only difference being
he's doing it on his own

peg peg
stake steak
the meat is lean
sheared off fine
oh just fine
the joy in repetition
of being in complete
submission
to the power
to the strength
peg again and
peg some more
plot out this plot
show me what you’ve got
you’re at the helm
as i’m in heav’n
the course will be true
whilst you’re in command

any one
thing
a sense that
something's missing
mustard
or special sauce
especially for the main course
delectable
surroundings
difficulty compounding
asset rich
don miner's helmet
no presupposition
of what it all meant

pills
so many pills
and yet more to be found
a bottle of whiskey to wash them down
if only I had known
a 'cry for help'
don't patronise me
this was as real as real can be
it could happen again
the facility exists
it's only me
and whether i choose to resist
you all think you'll care
but it won't get you anywhere

this
prerogative
is mine alone
no need to gnash or moan
let me take my path
no interest in your ideal(s)
i alone
will find what is real
reality
maybe one day you will see
free yourself from the scales
measurements all meaningless
looking for the more
while walking away with less

there was no bat, man
just the manic
spasmodic
rain of gems
caught up as so many were
some still fell to the pit
you fingered them there
then flicked them away
it's always the night
despite
the light of day
quicker than a bullet
and sharper than a whip
the captain stood tall
as the ****** would fall
because the captain
was destined alone
on that ship
and above the knowing smile
were ever-saddened eyes
take a look
you my find yourself surprised
we were given a blessing
but the hand that gave now took
away
though we can always look
for the american robin
flying back
this way

i watch a man's body expire
i want to be inside him
i want to feel his spirit shaking free
blocking out the customary wailing from others present
i try to focus on his destination
wishing to sense with a sense
outside of the five
moving beyond
through clouds or
stargates or
complete dimensions
to places where dimensions don't exist
where measurements don't exist
there's no sadness
just... release

(who said anything about dying?)

your halo of stains
blinds your eyes
no idea where you are
how you appear
repugnant
no understanding
no consideration
you bluster
in a dust cloud of disgust
where do you think you are
who do you think you are
don’t you look at me
with defiled disdain

you’re so cold
you’ve forgotten how to love
don’t want any for yourself
thinking it has no worth
from rain to hail to hell and
back to raining
it’s draining
now that you’ve forgotten
crawl from the warren
where you bred
where your love lies dead
and sublimate
create anew to return to you
to the love that only others knew
discard the shards
with which you sharpen your words
allow the voice of longing to be
heard

from dawn until dusk
she is there
just behind my eyes
making house in my mind

perpetuate
create
driving nails and opening holes
breathing trembling guttural throaty growls
withheld
but only for so long
there will be a saturation point as always
it will build and build and build to bursting
it’s almost there
volcanic in its violent heat

when one hole closes
another opens
and it does so now
i am promptly swallowed up

the skeletons smile
within their cave
teasing the treasure
hidden in the nave
their playful happiness rattles
inconsequentially
the games they play
are no torment to me
i know the location
and centre on the sphere
maintaining a presence
by the treasure so near

this world is crumbling around our ears
thankfully i have you with whom to share my fears
and hold to tight
in the violent night
settling my heart and soothing my soul
ears above the water line
listening for the siren
by my side
by my side
there's no place to hide here
under my arm
try to remain calm
no place for boisterous flagrancy
don't fall apart along with the surroundings

and now,
i'll insert myself
into this equation
i've waited so long
for my salvation
i'll be the y to your x
questions one won't forget
and the answer is hard to find
but the foundations are sound
any complication
can be worked around
answers burst like fireworks
so clear against the darkened sky
no reason to wonder why
when the light becomes solid
grasp it in your hand
and when the moment presents
it's time to take a stand
because this is the future
indeed it can be seen
yes this is the reason
for all that we've been
and been through

she doesn't want me to take my life
she'd rather put me in the ground herself
digging digging digging the hole
to fling my wretchedness into
cuz if you want something done right
you've gotta do it yourself
and she doesn't think i'd get it right
doesn't think i'd have the might
only when i'm out of sight is she happy
is she happy?
i doubt she even knows

push my face down into the dirt
scrape my skin make sure it hurts
drain my soul take it away
i doubt it'll fetch very much on ebay
end up tossing it anyway
amongst the trash
when you have your crash
and hear my voice haunt your dreams
find your stuffing busting your seams
there's no way if you don't make a way
nothing will come on a silver tray
you must decide whether you want it to be

once there was a girl who wasn’t
just an uncomfortable shell of torment
swallowed up by every dark hole
but for the one that felt real

encouraged to colour within the lines
and play within the paradigm
longing for another place, another time

anyone would have been surprised
had they bothered to open their eyes
how can a fearful, confused child
teach the ignorant to be wise

an occasional chance would arrive
when he could open the door to the girl inside
oh it’s just a phase they said
unaware of how close they were to finding him dead

encouraged to colour within the lines
and play within the paradigm
longing for another place, another time
there are some things that you just don’t allow
dealing with this black sheep
wondering what, why and how

they play their scratchies
lottery tickets and poker machines
like it’s their livelihood
but it’s that livelihood that’s dwindling away
you see them crushed
at the hands of chance
for the sake of an assumed better life
and maybe there is one out there
but it will never come from a ticket
it will never develop from luck
or any systems in place
it will just result in a forlorn look
upon life
there is more
always more

safe and warm
such incredible warmth
though the safety is relative
what is safe anyway?
better not to think on it too much
just take the warmth
when that security blanket is offered
all so temporary
all so transient
how does one hold water in their hands
without it leaking
dripping away
where is the certainty

you welcome me
encouragement to walk through the tunnel
into the light
i can't see the source - it's too bright
then i hear that tell-tale sound
metal upon metal
scraping, squealing
and maybe one day
i won't jump out of the way
i won't just get grazed
but let the wheels grind over me
where is the light now?
not even a pinpoint
no shadows cast
even they can't last forever

tongue ripped out
she’ll keep that for herself
no recourse left now
in this empty cleft
pass away
explanation time
there’ll be no bother nor purpose
and silence is golden
his words too much
fuelled and terrifying
the truth is always a source of fear
of that there is no denying
so break down opportunity
pass away
confusion time
pass away

her strength is a thing of wonder
and her tenacity inspires
it’s respect that fuels his love
not only desire

though of course she’s a source
of untold attraction
a font of splendour
a source of pure satisfaction

though sometimes she forgets
that she needs some support
someone without judgement
to whom she can report

and let herself go
let her emotions express
one to whom she can cling
in moments of duress

his love for her
knows no conditions
and he will always be there
when offered the invitation

his sadness is desperate
when she suffers turmoil
but he’d always rather know
and would never recoil

she is his everything
his world embodied
there will never be another
not mind, soul nor body

there’s nothing else i know
except hating on myself
and i’ll hate you as well
if you even dare to care

conflict the likes of which
you’ll never know
so stop before you pretend
and there can be no more amends

here’s the excuse you’ve waited for
to turn your tail and run
i’ll even give you a head start
before i hunt you down for fun

’cause you know i’ll sniff you out
just by the stench of your lies
and then rather than nestled in my arms
at my clawed hands you’ll cry

yes, here’s the excuse you’ve waited for
to turn your tail and run
i’ll even give you a head start
before i hunt you down for fun

i place my happiness
in your hands
i know it’s dangerous
but i do so anyway

loving despite everything
desperate to serve
trying to deserve

and i’ll die this way
in your hands
’til you cast my shell away
resigned

behind your doors
serenity
an extension of the soul within
i am at home there
comfort surrounds me

but i don’t know it anymore
all so foreign now
that space so lost to me
never to be found again

all lost
so very lost
my being stolen away
in the black night
only the darkness remains
my one true friend