I am no longer me
But pieces of others
Put together by fragments
Of a memory

You’re long sleeved pink shirt
The one I wore after spending the
Night, in your tower of a bed
I thought it fit just right

The umbrella you left by the door
Still shaking from the rain
It’s been here for eight days
But I haven’t reminded you to come pick it up

You’re lights with laser pointers
And black-light parties
Where we laugh and slosh alcohol on the floor
In cups we can’t afford

But I keep waking up to piles of empty
Beer cans, and a vacant bed

The note you gave me
When I sat in the passenger seat of your car
Staring at the hollow parking lot
We thought it was over

I shook more than I cried,
I thought I was over

It’s been months now
Since you flew to Florida
But I still keep the note in my wallet

I know you’re gone
But I want to let you know
The ink is fading fast

I am not me

I’m your sweatshirt
And his worn out blue jeans
Holes still fresh in the pockets
My things keep falling out

I’m the t-shirt you used to work out in
I’m the dollar bill
We use to snort up our confidence

I’m the empty container
Of Mary J. that I wished
We could’ve smoked together

I’m a darker shade of brown in my hair
I’m the **** of your cigarette
I’m the first one drunk on Friday nights
And the last one to wake up on Sunday morning

I’m no longer me
Can’t you see?

The sun bursts
An eclipse
In your eyes

I thought I saw stars
But your irises
Lied

I'm a sunflower
In the rain
Drowning from these contradictions

You give me air
In the spring
Just to burn me up
In your sun

The first time I saw you naked
I cried, and then tears dripped from your eyes
I don’t know how you can be
My angel,
And all my demons at the same time
But you are

I want so desperately
To be you, that I’ll
Crunch numbers together, make my mouth open
Never
Just to fit your mold

Last night when we spoke over waffles
That you drenched in syrup,
And grapefruit I never touched
You stuffed me with the words
I was trying to say

You left the table,
My plate still full of "harsh opinions"

I’m not mad;
I’m tired,
Tired of picking out the shards of glass
From beneath my fingernails

You can’t be the ****** weapon
And the search party,
You can’t be my white horse
And the dark knight

But you are.

Do you remember insomnia?
Running through clocks
And wandering through typewriters

I wish we were falling
Underwater
In the deep blue
Where I always find you

Can we move back to the city?
I miss the buzzing noise
That always echoed behind the window pane

Don't worry.
I won't forget how you
Painted the stars
And we danced under their fluorescence  
Barefoot in the grass

I saw you dressed in green
Your heart beating out
Side of your chest,
I used my humble hands
To gently place it back inside

We'll drown in the deep end
But I love the thrill of the dive.

And you stay
Even though, my fingers tremble sometimes.
You’re bumping out of my ears

I look down
when I’m telling the truth
But you help me up,
My favorite shotgun

We find maps inside each other
Travel the trail, down my spine
Tattoo your fingers inside of my thigh
You’re running through my veins

When I’m with you,
I feel like the Sun’s in my belly
And even though, sometimes, I use my fingers
To make myself empty, you stick around

We play in the grass
Stumbling through the doorway
Messy and full of laughter
With you everything feels brighter
You’re my sunflower

My favorite crash landing
I fall into you
You reach for me
The collision is beautiful

And you stay.

she found me daintily
waiting in the evergreens and matchsticks
breathing stories of ghosts and mint leaves

oh and the lotus she pined
mixing its petals in mason jars
glowing for us to drink up

with sticky fingers
and red lips we danced
waking the spirit within her

she had wings and I whispered
“Angel, angel, angel.”
I wanted to pull all her strings
back together

and she took me to the edge
of the river she came from
her mouth spoke
of euphoria

we submerged ourselves in.

They watch us fall together
And break apart
Like tree branches.

I watch us split apart.

The splinters in my back aren’t from your words,
But from me bending to fit the mold you made for me.

We’re like flies
Hovering in wood ceilings,
Waiting for someone to turn on the light.

And they watch as we dance around it.

We move too close,
I’m not Icarus
But I fly towards the sun anyway.

I want to feel the heat on my skin;
Instead of feeling like your emptying out what’s left of me.

Icarus didn’t know better,
Neither did the flies.

I know better.

I’m aware of our insanity
But I let us repeat ourselves.

Your words hit my skin and leave me
Breathless again, like an addiction
And I let memories of your heartbeat
Drown out the logic of my conscience.

I’m not the fly.
I’m not Icarus,
And you’re not the sun.
You’re not the light,
I am.

And it’s going out.

I speak flowers
Light a flame for the broken
Tuck my shirt in
And say a prayer for the unspoken

I race demons
Smoke them out for a moment
Strike the chords
With a bow, let your soul crack open

I lose your hands
Hold tight to what's left in the bottom of the glass
Fill my heart with colors, I laugh
And it's that dream again, we fall into the grass

I am full
Float through the ocean, let your breath crash like a wave
Smile lightly for the loved ones that cherish
And know everything you were, was exactly what you made

What happened to enjoying
The scenery
Without our cell phones?
What happened to
Sitting in silence
As you inhale the nature around you
Why can't we
Just become a part of the picture
Instead of having to
Pull out our iPhones
To snap shot the moment
And send it out into the world

I feel something’s missing now
Even though its been gone for days

I can’t stop seeing
Hands of men
Old and new
Wrinkled and porcelain

I’m caught between a smooth breeze
And a raging ember
That burns beneath my skin
But the universe still spins

I don’t know how
Seconds still manage to tick
Or how minutes keep passing by
Or how the ocean keeps crashing
In and out with it’s tide

I don’t know how you leave your room
With all that waits outside.

You’re eyes were like sea glass
Luminous blue and green
And the stars danced
As the wind tickled our backs
You held my hand when I asked
And it felt like
We were constellations

My heart kept expanding
Beneath my chest
It could’ve been the drugs
Inhabiting my bloodstream
But I’d like to think
It was the way your hands
Felt, brushing my skin

Acid trips
With Alice
Always lead me
To Lucy
With her diamonds
Not just a girls best friend
But mine
When crystal roars
Its ugly head, I forget
The sly panther she was
In the beginning

Tonight, on the roof
You told me about
The cones behind your irises
And how they turned
Your greens to grays.
And I almost told you
That I knew exactly what that felt like.

The shore washed up
Your gritty words
Stained in sea glass
They cut you open

I fell
Into the riptide of your tears
And wished I had an anchor
Because it felt like
I might drown out here

Words broke on your mouth
And I was swallowing
The sea

My feet missed the ocean floor
And white caps
Crashed between our eyes
The current ripped you away

I wished to tell you
That my arms can harbor safety
I’ll be your ship
This time

You can
Tie me out to sea
I'll keep the water still
Let it calm your hearts beat

The ocean will soothe
All your broken memories
And in the end
The tide will wash us in
Again

The globes shattered
Into the floor
Like pieces of the earth
Our earth, see
I tried to put them back together
But the bass was too loud
Erupting the satellites
Igniting thoughts between
Brainwaves
Not like the numbness
That's been happening in my throat
When I think of her
Sitting on your bed
It's hard to swallow
There's this familiar
Ache in my chest
And it feels like yesterday
When you let go of my hand

My heart's a wristwatch
The spiel keeps spinning
I follow it with my eyes
The gears turn and click
And
I want to turn it over
Turn it back, like stones
But
The sheets stay blank
No matter how many words
I spin together beneath my eyelids
My mason jar is still full of you
It tastes like raspberries
And
Forest floors
When I asked you to look inside my mouth to see if they stained my cheeks red
Your face found the cool side of the pillow
And
Your laughter fell into it
The shade of blue
On the wall reminds me
Of fireflies falling out of our mouths
I wanted to swallow them
And
Glow from the inside out with you

Tank tops and sweaters,
And coats.
I pull them over paper thin, skin.
Leggings that hug my waist
Because beneath this, jacket
I won't be able to feel your hands.

Socks and boots,
And maybe something with a hood.
My fingertips are ready, for the cold
I want them to go numb with it.

The last time you touched, me
I swore I was dying.
You breathed into my lungs
And I could feel, the flowers
Emerging beneath my ribcage.

When you sat up, I pulled on my tshirt
And slipped
My arms into a sweater,
As if that would stop the thorns from poking through my skin.
I went for a walk because I couldn't feel my toes.

Onions have layers, if you peel back
All of them
You're left with nothing but red eyes.
When I got home I stood in the doorway; and whispered

*Take them off

It's a terrible love
But the hallway is cold
She holds out her hand
And I take it

It's a terrible love
Being connected at the hip
But I'm tired
And she promised she'd hold me

It's a terrible love
But I'm walking in

It's a miserable love
But it's better then being alone
It's a terrible love; depression
But I let her love sink the ship

It takes an ocean not to break.

you said i painted you as a monster
i hate my hands
now i finally understand
why Van Gogh cut off his ear

It’s my fault, I know
My face is blue with “I’m sorry”s
And I feel like stuffing my mouth with asphalt

My words are a blessing
And a curse
I think about not writing anymore

I’m sorry I put you on display
I painted a picture of you
That I can’t erase

Everyone has a dark side
I guess my biggest
Flaw is exploitation

When you’re the artist
It’s easy to forget that there’s ever
An audience in the first place

So high strung, sweating out
Colors in order to express
What’s inside of me

Can’t you see?
It’s the antagonist in me, I was always
Meant to write the story

Ink drips from my pen
At night, until I pick it up
The typewriter is a part, a part
Apart of me

Clicking inside my head, gears
Shifting and turning
Until I find the perfect words
Unsaid

And I’m sorry I unspooled the thread
Of your sweater, I apologize for leaving
The string behind
Leaving it for you to find

Empty pizza boxes, and green
Couch cushions
Chapped lips and sunburns
Staying inside because your air conditioning
Actually works

The ice rink that’s always cold, but you
Wear short sleeves anyway
Kissing you between sips
Of hot chocolate, kissing you
Between people cheering
And crowded stands and pucks in nets
And spilt popcorn

The time we broke up
And you cut off all your hair

I bought you a Boston Red Sox hat, so that
You’d remember our city and cover your scalp
While your hair slowly grew back

That night I was drunk
And stained your shirt sleeve with makeup
You never thought the shaking would stop,
I blamed the *****

Corsages and suit coats, tightening your
Tie to match the dress, which took
Months for me to pick out
You never got to unzip it

The morning after, packing up
At 7am because the house was
Too full and my stomach was
Empty

Crossing my arms in the passenger seat
And mumbling that maybe
We needed time apart

Only to come barreling back together, like
Lighting a matchstick
And kissing to relieve the casualties

The time I lost my breath
But found it in your arms
“you’re okay, I'm here… I'll always be here”
And just knowing, just knowing, just
Knowing.

That night in the backseat
When it felt like the first time with you
All over again, the wheels clicked inside the motor
everything fell apart, the world stood still
And then everything fell back together

While going through the trash, sorting plastic
Organizing bottles and classifying cans
I told my mother we had 10 days left
And my tears dripped into the recycling bin

Dreaming about losing you to a plane ticket
And pushing your number at 3am
Because I only have 12,960 minutes left, to hear
The heartbeat through your shirt

I was ****** when I decided to sit on your bed
I told you it would’ve been more romantic if we were dating
And when you asked why I just laughed

The mattress creaked when you sat on the edge
And it took eternity to lift my head.

You kept taking hits
And I didn’t understand why but it reminded me of a train

When you were done inhaling your creativity
Your hand shook with the possibility of using it
But you just rolled up your sleeves.

Your mouth moved as you talked about
The civil war
And your time abroad
As you laid down beside me

I nodded like I understood
But all I thought about was horses and the red coats
And guns.

I swear I’m going blind*
The edges of my vision tilting and shifting
As if my eyes are prisms
And
Sight is sand in a glass jar.

The corners of my brain keep going fuzzy
There’s only 9 days left
And
If I think too hard
I find myself driving
And
Going 80 until I have enough room between,
The white lines of highways
And
My bedroom.

Sometimes I drive for so long
That I forget you’re in the passenger seat.
I’m too busy counting down the minutes
We have left
That I forget this is the last chapter
For you too.

I just keep busying my hands,
To ignore pain in my stomach
When I remember that it's coming to an end.  

I’m going blind,
I told you while I gripped the wheel
In hopes that it would make you
Stay a little longer.

There's this recognizable
Hole growing in my chest
And I miss you
i miss you
But I never really knew you

I still wake up and smell coffee brewing.
Even though,
The *** is gone.
You took it with you on the same day you said,
You didn’t like poetry.
It made me feel like the tree in my front yard.
My neighbors refuse to let us cut it down,
Even though everyone knows it’s dead.
Now I try to rest my comfort in
A mug of chamomile
Or over a book I know you’ll never read.
Because in the winter we went to a book sale
Where you bought me a latte
And, let me read you poetry.

You broke the ice
Around my spine
And I caught you red handed
With my heart

We raced trough the whole
9 yards of unfamiliarity
I let my hair down
And my spirit felt like a dancer

With you
There was no rule of thumb
My hands traced your skin
Even when your words
Held no spark of decency

You ran amok
Beneath my chest
Butterflies spread their wings
In my stomach

We bit the bullet
Of affection
And swallowed pennies
For our thoughts

You were a blessing
In disguise
And we burned the midnight oil
Losing our hands in each other

I played the devils advocate
In the heat of the moment
And you jumped on the bandwagon
Knowing it takes two to tango

Her hands will mold to yours
Her arms will feel like home

Her voice will be
The only sound you know

She’ll kiss you
Beneath the moonlight

She’ll laugh
Her eyes glint like stars

The galaxy was her
But she was out to Mars

Don’t pick the flowers child they’ll die*
Said my grandmother
And I listened

She promised that if I left them
Untouched
They’d grow and bloom with care

But she never told me that
People are like flowers

And when I picked you
All your petals fell

Please, can you skip ahead to the end
Its my biggest pet peeve but
I can no longer pretend
That there’s nothing wrong with the fallout

Soon we’ll be ripped apart,
The universe will want to collapse
But we’re not a work of art
Ill try to hold it in my hands

Come on, just turn to the last chapter
Or rip each one out, instead
Don’t rewrite the story
There’s only one end

Kissing on parked cars
In empty lots
Like tomorrow
Will never come
I taste like chocolate
And you taste like lemonade
A little bit sour
A little bit sweet
I think it was our bitter infinity

Fact
Things fall apart
Fiction
What's broken can't be mended

Fact
You have brown eyes
Fiction
I'm really a good driver

Fact
*** smells like skunk
Fiction
One cigarette will **** you

Fact
Your body is designed to heal itself
Fiction
Those scars will last forever

Fact
Love cures pain
Fiction
Heartbreak lasts forever

Fact
You smell like cinnamon and freshly mowed grass
Fiction
I don't miss you at all

Fact
Everyone is just one being
Fiction
We are all alone

Fact
All the strings inside me, snapped
Fiction
I prefer the made up version

I’m not sure
How to talk
To you anymore

I laid my heart before you
But you’re reluctant
To explore

I thought I knew
Every creased edge of you
But now you’re a name with no face

I fought a war
To save us from bloodshed
But you’ve washed your hands of me

Words are only letters
That fill the silence
We can’t withstand

My stomach is full
Of twisted knots
That fray at every end


I grappled to save us
But you’re miles away
Sitting across from me

Infectious
Its how you describe
Laughter
Or yawning
Maybe even the small
Chit chat that starts
With the familiarity of
Family gatherings
That’s not a description
Usually used for a person
It’s not how I would describe you
Or the smell
That clings to your clothing
Even when I wear it thin
Infectious
That’s how I would describe
Me
I’m a disease
And there’s no cure

That’s promising
My mom says
And I tuck my chin
Because I’ve never had
Promising*

Promising means you’ll
Stay a while
Through clouded eyes
And whispered enigmas

The only promises
I’ve maintained
Were held tight
By pinkies

Are you really promising?
Or are those just words to me?

In the midst
Of a breaking wave
In the stillness
Of the silence
In the darkest
Of mournings
Lightning strikes

Last night I dreamt of you
And it brought back repressed
Memories of shedding my skin
Beneath your cigarette
Stained fingertips

It makes me wonder
About the difference between
Falling apart
And
Falling into place

You showed your teeth
At me in that sly smile
And I cringed

My nerve endings
Were fried
Beneath your fiery palms
And ashtray lips

It makes me think about
Your hands and my blood
Your hands and lighters
Your hands and gunpowder
My hands and your neck

Last night I dreamt of you
This morning I woke up
And washed it away with hot water

We stood on the edge
Of our worst fears
Of our new beginnings
It’s a race and time is winning

We laid our beaten bones
Wrapped up in a cocoon
Wrapped up I feel so small
It’s my hearts revival

We fell to the ground
Only to feel relief again
Only to steal our hearts content
It’s your love that’s spent

We unzipped our bodies
Emptied out their substance
Emptied out across the floor
I revealed my core

We stood on the edge
Of our worst fears
Of our new beginnings
We thought about jumping

Fresh grass kisses my cheek
I inhale the earth’s scent
And feel the buzzing ground

Seeds root up from the soil
Leaves laugh in the breeze
And I try to exhale the sound

Birds make a call
Out to red bellied mates
I crush the dirt in my hands

I watch you dip
Your toes in the river
And hope stems from every branch

When our bodies converge
I taste the sun
And a mist begins to emerge

We branch apart
You’re breath’s like pine
And I become a drop in the earth

And here I go again
Opening closed doors
Because I’m tired of being shut out
No amount of
Overturned stones
Could break through your glass house
I’m on the outside looking in
And someone snuffed the light out

Sadness clusters my chest
The phone woke me up this year
And now I’m mourning, this thought,
Your loss, even though you’re here

If atoms are what you’re made of
How’d you slip right through my hands
I dreamt of you last night
Sinking into death, falling into quick sand

You’re skins not wrinkled
You’re so young, so why are my eyes red
It’s just a touch of cancer
That they found inside your head

I’ve done enough of research
I know how cancer cells grow
But this isn’t how I pictured
One of us would go

They told me they would slice it up
Cut it out of you
This poison that’s taking over
And turning your lips blue

I told them not to wait one minute
Every second counts
I left for lunch that afternoon
Before it was announced

Last night I dreamt that
I was holding tight your hand
But your grave sights full of dirt
They filled your lungs with quicksand

Chemo shrunk the tumor
But killed the you inside your brain
The left side of my bed is empty
It’s just the mattress, and the frame

I wonder if
The minute you decided
To distance yourself from me
You zipped up the last
Of your suitcases
And tucked them under the bed
Where I wouldn’t see
Is that why you keep
Your shoes on now
Each time you sit on my couch
Just in case your heart
Grows fond
And you know
Its time to walk out
I feel like a road block
To your destination
Now I’m just a pit stop
A leftover in the making
I wonder
Does your heart put up a fight
When your lips come close to mine
Does your conscience come out to play
And leave me on the other side
I feel like the dog
You took out to the yard
But forgot to shoot
I just watch you check your pockets
And leave the keys, but take your boots
I wonder if
When you chose
To distance yourself from me
You pushed me from behind
Where I couldn't see

There's a leak in the faucet
It drips your name
The right pedal on my bike
Keeps coming lose
Like the way you tugged at my heart
I let it fall apart for you

You ripped up the floor boards
Stripped me to naked flesh
And bleached bones
i looked away
While you stared in silence
Uncovering the person beneath my shell

Sometimes, I feel like we are a galaxy;
But you call me,
Your star

She says-
I get lost in her smile
In the simple way she tucks her chin beneath the book

Listen to this
It's something about the sun
But she lost me after that
I was gazing at her mouth

Listen to this
She says, her eyes following words
Pressed into a page
I put my finger to her lips

Listen to this
Two bodies converging

Listen to-
Our hearts
They're
Listening

Our world collided
When your lips met mine
The sun shined brightly
The stars aligned

You closed your eyes
But it didn’t last
I barely blinked
It was over fast

Like a head on collision
We spun out of control
You ripped out the breaks
No one told me not to fall

You said you loved me
You don't even know me
There's room in my shoes
I've still got growing to do

I stand in the mirror
Not sure what I should see
I look inside
To try and find me

If you look closely
Take a peak through my soul
You can see
What I might grow up to be

I poke and ****
And push things around
Trying to plant my tree
Without roots in the ground

I'm still a girl
I've got lessons to learn
There's room in my shoes
I still have growing up to do