sometimes it is hard to be a person

trashing my bedroom because
i lost my photo album
full of pictures of my dad and i
and the speeches my uncles made
at his funeral

laying on the couch and watching tv
crying when a character attempts to end it all
because i'm taken back to october
and the hopes of what would have happened
if he decided not to jump

getting accepted into 9/10 of the colleges i applied to
and having no idea what to do next
desperate desire to talk to him
or voice how terrified i am to my family
but trapped inside myself

it is very hard to be a person

am i ready?
claustrophobic, anxiety ridden me
preparing for the constant motion of the big city
the utter anonymity?

am i ready?
to move so far from home
drain myself of money
surrounded by people who actually belong?

romanticizing you was probably my biggest mistake
after all
you can't fix me and i can't fix you
two twisted, sharp wrongs don't make a soft right
i look into your eyes and see myself
and i hate what i see

it's six am and we are cuddled on a mostly deflated air mattress
the air is cold and you smell like a mix of sleep sweat and alcohol
i don't mind it
you whisper to me in your rumbly voice
stories of steve
walking swordfish
chicken heart
you laugh when i tell you about the meatball i stole

when i imagine you now i don't see your face
i feel your untouchable safety and
wish you into tangibility
although dimensions separate us
i can't do anything but tell myself
you're right around the corner
in order to carry on

talk to me
just
please
talk to me
i am alone and
i feel insignificant
while everyone else is going going going
on without me
please just talk to me

holding myself upright
so i won't crumble
i lift my heavy eyes
and worn out heart
and carry on

she asked me how i felt
about parallel universes

i didn't know what they were

but she told me that
with all the hurt and confusion
we have now
there is another universe out there

where we are happy
and that's how she gets through the day