I feel *****, disgusting and tainted.
I’m not supposed to, but I also feel ugly.
I thought I was stronger than you, more powerful.
Better. This time.
I thought you couldn’t rattle me anymore, I had tried so hard to forget you.

But I thought the affection was real this time.
I let myself believe that I was worthy of genuine love.

Me.            Maybe that was my mistake.
If I had only known my place.

Quick fix. Hungry eyes.

When the closest moving thing will suffice.
By love, I thought you meant genuinely real emotion, And not some cheap titillation.
I know I’m worth more than this.
This. I know this.
I just can’t keep telling myself,
Because just as I was starting to believe my own words, you threw me on a sheet of perfectly broken shards.
And now I can’t cry.
The pain, its become a slow, numb sigh.
Don’t get me wrong, I want to, I want to cry, and scream and be angry, but all the rebellion has left tiresome.
Rebellion.
I now find my own fight to freedom some sort of a rebellion.
Like, I didn’t quite deserve it, I still don’t quite, but I think I can fight you, be free of you.

How foolish of me.

As humans, we like to think we are humane,

What is humanity?
We like to think we’d be there for our friends; we’d be gentle on our foes,
We’d forgive and also maybe forget; we’d sacrifice and be moral.
When our morality is under question, we’d be loyal and we will live honest lives,
We won’t backstab or ***** about others; we’ll be upright in our opinions,
We’d be righteous and true and withhold composure within the most strenuous times.
We would work for the betterment of society and cosy with strangers,
In Hope that they will be friends.
We’d look for beauty in the world and we’d be happy though strive for more,
We’d live happy human lives and leave behind a legacy for others to aspire from.
We’d be all that we wish we could be, and more.

But how many of us are like that?

Not one. Not one human being.
We lie, we torture, we hate.
We’re not benevolent on our foes, we wish evil upon our friends,
Our morality is outward and forgiveness a rarity.
We plot, we ******, we hate.
We think these things are to be proud of,
We live of speaking evil; it is a need, a drug.
We break. We hurt. We hate.
We blame others for our mistakes; we never take the fall,
We take advantage of those who love us, we run after those who do it us.
We burn nature and wonder why it balances out with human sacrifice,
We live human lives, but wish to outlive our counterparts, looking constantly,
For immortality.
Our legacy is of lies and façade. We are the supreme race and we proudly
Hate, hurt, ****.
    Doesn’t matter, its human nature, we think, we feel it, we just don’t say it.

Felinely-   Aisha.

I call you forward to witness thee,
The nightmare, crimson reality,
Red soaked sheets,
A story of once an innocence, now is gone,
Torn away from my flesh,
I ask you this, where is my choice in all of this,
I have had snatched what is mine, robbed, I seek justice but there is no answer.

My cries, cries fall on silent ears,
Through the years, my cries are also now silen-ced,
I have become a story to myself,
When I now tell of my tragedy, I don't cry
Nor do I give that bitter, characteristic laugh,
I look hollow and stare hollow and feel hollow.

… People think that I’m shallow.
I am fine with that,
When has it ever been my choice?
I cry and scream and no- one helps, and passers-by snigger as they go.
...’’She got what she deserved, she had asked for it, what, dressed like that!’’
‘’She should thank her stars, that someone wants her anyway!’’

After all, ‘**** is a kind of... love.’

That’s part of the irony…

I don't feel that loved.      

- Felinely, Aisha.