My love
Please come back to me
I miss the snickering,
And the bickering
And the times you made me mad

But I remember the lying,
And the crying,
And the times you made me sad

But oh how I miss the good days,
The average days,
No they weren't so bad.
And yes, I am truly mad.

Because I still love you
And adore you
Like the time never passed.

I can't leave the past in the past,
Oh, please just come back.

Out and about
random memories pop in my head
I just wander, feeling defeated

Trying to relax
sometimes I become distracted
by misty thoughts, thick like clouds

I become proud as my mind becomes silent
And walk away

Feeling the comfort and security
That nobody's thinking about me

in my mind
in my head
it means i'm safe
it means i'm sound
it means i'm complete
it means
i can be intimate
it means
you see me
it gives me energy
you're my everything
it means
you love me
you love my skin
you love my scarf
you are my safety
i am seen
you are my joy
you are my light
you are my comfort
you are my happiness
like i'm a little normal
like i'm allowed to be a person
i'm allowed to exist
you are my partner
you are my everything
that's what it means
when you say you love me

i want you
to know who i am
i want you
to see my dripping colors
the melted rainbow inside me
i want you
to see my ugly red raw rage
my beautiful deep
blue love
my green forgiveness
and sympathy
my purple
rational thinking
my logic
feel my point of view
like a prism
and i want you
to hear my voice
when i sing
i want you to
listen to my songs
and i want
your real
opinion.

all i want is
to listen to music with you.

I turn my head,
expecting grace
by the look
upon your face
your eyes deep brown,
your aura blue,
I love your complexion,
I love your hue

I look, with modesty,
I look, so shy,
inside the pupil
of thine naked eye
I look, so lovingly,
I look so deep,
inside the heart
of my beloved.

I reach out, to touch,
I reach out, for a kiss,
but stare into my beloved
before the touching, of our lips,
you gently caress me,
your softness, so mild,
I turn into cotton
from the wild.

You make my heart soft
when it feels austere
with your gentle touch
and skin so fair
I caress your sides,
and touch your hair,
my one and only beloved,
is always there.

just tell me what i mean to you

It's a little gift
it's a little shift
live and let live
I would never give
anyone the peace
after all the grief
all I really need
is a sweet release

I, go inside my of my mind
I, go inside all the time
I love sweet sunshine
I, I

I, live inside a dream
I, imagine great things
I, write songs in my head
I, am myself

All I want to do is sing
you can cut off my wings
all I'm gonna do is dream
I dream great things, I dream things

I, go inside my of my mind
I, go inside all the time
I love sweet sunshine
I, I

I, live inside a dream
I, imagine great things
I, write songs in my head
I, I, am myself

i made a song about you
i wish you were to listen

out of anger,
out of rage
split the skin
in my thigh
the cut will represent the pain
that i can't bear to keep inside.

i prayed to god to destroy you

it was my only way out

but now

i need to pray to god

to bring you back in my life

it's the only thing I have

Nows the time
To seek me out
If youre thinking about it
Come see me now
Your name, I shout
Inside my head
Heres the green light
Just go ahead.

When I am studying something,
anything,
it feels quite blissful

I doze out
in beautiful fantasies
as if
my crazy mind
has been calmed
and I can finally relax.

Never doing the work,
just loving the idea of it.

Not actually completing the task in reality.

So I can now earn the right to forever dream

visions of grandeur,
fill my mind with delight
the walls are high
and the colors are bright

my toes are pointed,
and i feel tall,
the pressures are high,
but i don't fall

i spin with grace,
i chase my dreams
life is a marathon
and i have no team

i take little steps
that lead to the sprint
i have no direction
but my mind gives me a hint

everything i want
the power and glory
i walk towards it
and feel inside me a fury

a desire so strong
to be the best
to cause shame and remorse
to all the rest

i crave power
it fills my chest
i crave excellence
it fills my head

i crave learning
until i'm dead
i crave status
i crave greatness

doubts and worries disappear
like fog blown by wind
but they come back again
the tides are changing fast,
now I wonder,
how long will this mood last?
don't know when,
don't know how
it will ever end
my dear reverend
can you tell me the answers?
i see crosses in the sky
god hides from me and
i don't know why
my dear revenant
coming to haunt me again
i guess he wants me again
is life going as planned?
i'll get out of here
i'll write better poetry
maybe when my mind is clear
maybe when the end is near

Does it break you
To imagine me
Crying all night
To make the pain stop?

I cried myself to sleep
And woke up depressed
Like a block on concrete
Upon my chest

I questioned God
And begged him to make it stop
I rotted away in my bed
I felt like I was dead

For months, I felt empty
And I couldnt eat
My whole body was numb
And my heart didn't beat

No one saved me
No one helped me
And it left a void in my chest
I keep trying to feel

Im detached from reality
And nothing is real
Theres gaps in my memory
Some parts are blank

I'm mentally ill
And have you to thank
You broke my heart
And broke my soul

You made me feel worthless
And I sacrificed myself
I ditched my own God
To worship you

I was unconscious
You destroyed me
And everyone thought
It was funny.

My moods are unstable
It took years to gain control
Like navigating an ocean
When your ship is full of holes

It all went to my head
It would painfully ring
When words couldn't be said,
The migraines would sing

I need you so bad
That I wanted to die
You make me so wet
And without you I'm dry

Without you I'm nothing
I'm simply your slave
I'm addicted to you
You're all that I crave

I let you abuse me
Until I lose my mind
And the monster within me
Developed within time.

I wanted to ****** you
With all of my heart
The light within me
Shadowed by the dark

I fantasized about it
Your blood on my hands
Your body an object
That I control

The light and the dark
Is what makes me whole
You ruined my life
You tortured my core

And now I don't know
Who I am anymore.
By going within,
By exploring the deep,

I know who I am.
Inside me it sleeps.
The person I am
Is a secret you keep.

Four years ago, I died
I've lived my life a lie
I felt inside my heart
an ever-loving guide
I prayed, and prayed for love
while looking up above
tears rolling down my eyes
I closed them as I cried
I begged and begged,
and when I lay my head to rest,
I wondered why
I was treated so much less
I kept looking up to the sky
a hole with emptiness
and I had no one else to rely,
and with nothing to hide
with my heart, I confessed. . .
you could say that I'm blessed
with all that I've lost
I've gained so much wisdom
but at what cost?
I don't think that it's worth it
I don't think that I'm happy
I understand my purpose;
I don't accept it gladly.
I've lost my religion
it wasn't my decision
after all, I guess I don't always
value the truth.
but I've been through
so much pain
to me, it is all in vain,
what was sacrificed
of my youth.

Miserable

I don't want to see
the way you ignore me
after you use me
after I pass your thoughts
like I'm not alive
like I'm nothing
I want you
to delete
everything you wrote
I want you
to write poems of misery
of how guilty you feel
and even in those feelings
you're still
a selfish ***
*****.

simple
a story told time and time again
a classic
a repetitive renaissance
of the same old thing
i'd like to break the boundary if this box.

killing it like a guillotine.
which is not contemporary at all

i know that
i'm not light enough
for you to love me.

it's not a secret
you have to hide.

crickets
blood drippin'
hand grips
heavy epuipment

cause' i hit that blow
and he takes the fall
and i feel so slick
treading down the hall
i just take my pick
of all you sheep
it was written on the wall
while you were all asleep

i know him
i follow him
i haunt him
i want him

i am him
but i'm not him
i feel him
and i've got him

cause' it feels so good
when im in his mind
my villianous prescense
has him hypnotized
baby, I'm not your slave
so just save it
i don't know if this is man made,
but i'm a sadist
and no ones comin' to save you
pray to the god who made you

cause' it feels so good
cause' i hit that blow
and he takes the fall
and i feel so sick
treading down the hall
i just take my pick
of all you sheep
it was written on the wall
while you were all asleep

My soul heavy, chasing material desires
Frustrated by the iron chains that hold me down
Heavy on me,
sinking me
into hot
scorching
magma.

As I try to become more and more God-like,
I get filled with more emptiness
more nothingness
I cremate
into ashes
and scatter across the void

I feel the horror
and anger
and fear
and whatever it is
and an inability to understand.

I feel paranoid
and confused
and just wished it was all clear

I feel stupid

And I'm sorry.

they appear
like giant black specs
in the corner of my eyes
peeking behind doors
hiding under beds
they are our fear
we do not feel
they are the pain
we shove, hide,
and push away
they are the black holes
in our minds

What I know
is an illusion
what I know
is an ideal.

What I know
is a liar
what I know
gains less appeal.

Who I know
is my enemy
who I know
faces defeat.

Who I know
I can not feel
Who I know
can not speak.

Tell me
who are you really?

What are you,
other than a liar,
a manipulator,
a useless freak?

A demon hiding
beneath the sheets.

A mild narcissist with the quill,
whose words are dull, and intend to ****.
A fragile ego full of woe,
insecure, tipping on it's toe,
a shadow person, hiding behind a mask,
a slave to it's selfish task.

A murderer, but a coward at heart,
who can not finish what he starts.
A little prince, who imagines himself a king,
yet can not afford a single ring.
A maniac who needs to steal,
a psychotic who can not
differentiate the fake from real.

A suicidal who still manages to live
he always takes, but can not give.
He works his body to pain and ache,
and sees the world as his cake.
He's as weak as a man could be,
but fantasies is all he can see
in fact, fantasy is all he reads,
he rarely ever does a good deed

a hypocrite who always lies
when one acts like him,
he's quick to despise
he's lustful, full of sin, and hungry eyes,
and for these sins, he stupidly takes pride
if you know you're rotten to this earth,
then tell me, why does it so hurt?
when I tell you to commit suicide
you are nothing but filth and dirt.

Attention deficit in his brain,
and only causes others pain
he blames on things years ago
that no one hears and no one knows.

And even if life isn't fair,
that doesn't mean that I do care,
for you made my life hard to live
there's nothing about you that's positive

I gave you a love so sweet
you sacrificed it for flesh and meat
with trickery, lies, and deceit,
you left my heart bent
like a metal sheet.

unless you wash your ***** heart,
and learn to love and express your art,
maybe then, just maybe I can start,
to know who you truly are at heart.

As I enter prayer,
soft mandalas take over my vision.
I am in another world with my lord,
as he showers me with etheric hugs and kisses.

Oh my Love!
How I wish you could touch me physically.
How I wish my mortal body would dissipate into thin air,
and the boundaries between us would be blurred.

Oh God!
How I pity myself and feel remorse,
when thy prayer ends, and I lose you again,
busying myself back to studying and work,
waiting until the time to pray comes again,
until the period of which we can reconnect once more,
and I can reimburse myself and banquet inside your sweet love.
447

you wanna be the king of hell?
well, feel free to rule my world
because i'm in hell every single ******* day.

i must be a satanist then
because you are god
and I've spent the rest of my life trying to replace you

Something inside me
has no voice
it claws, scratches, and screams
it fires up a rage inside of me
it is the screams
of my anger
and turmoil
fighting
the abuse
the power
I itch for
but can not
reach
the *******
frustrating feeling
I can not put
into ******* words

From the moment
we both intertwined
forever connected,
if only
you were filled
with something
slightly bigger
than a demiurge,
we could've conquered the world.

You would go
without
everything you loved
and everything you've grown attached to
just for me.

You'd travel
for me
spend for me
live for me,
die for me,
have joy for me,
breathe for me,
protect me,
and understand me
as someone
something,
you'd never let go.

You'd look upon me
as the goddess that I am
and fall to your knees
in tears
of how beautiful
and joyful
I am.

Your mortal eyes
would see
beyond the illusion
and know
that I am your everything.

If you loved me
like I loved you
we would both
be complete.

from pagan origins,
to new found love,
a pigeon flies down,
or is it a dove?

my heart's desire
is bright and red
just as those
that have bled

i wish to leave you
a little note
so that you may ponder
on what i wrote:

as spring unblossoms,
new hearts unfold
like origami
out of my chest
i just want
you to know
that out of everyone
i love you best
although i think
that you are vile,
and that my love
is childish,
in my dreams
and imaginations,
my desire for you
is wildest.

with that being said,
sealed with a kiss,
i hope this letter,
finds you well,
and i pray to eros
and i truthfully tell you
that you are missed
and i hope
inside your heart
it does swell

inside your heart,
like inside mine,
i hope you feel
my love of thine
i ask of this
with a hope
of every kind;

will you be
my valentine?

its me again
this feels good
to say everything
i want to say

its not like
teary vent
like i did
years ago
fresh
from the scars
of your words
and actions
abusing me

i was always
afraid
to say that word
abuse
i was always afraid
afraid of you

i imagine
touching
your average looking face
feeling
happy
sad
angry
no
those arent the words

words cant describe how i feel.

its a bit..
disgusting
the things you make me feel

i just
want to talk to you
want to meet you
to see you

maybe
i should
abandon my account
like you abandoned yours.

disappear
into nothing

glass shards in my bed
reflect my body and skin
make me bleed and itch
broken memories in my head

i am constantly searching
for a connection
just anyone,
similar to him
a bunch of replicas
i attract
and attach to.

never the real thing.

i am constantly
just always
searching for my mother
replacing her with men
in hopes
that they will love me
and nurture me
like a woman will

i want my ex
i like his skin
and his hair
and his face
and his body

i listened to his voice
replayed over and over again
i love everything about him
the good, the bad
the ugly..

just a taste of him
from any man
is addicting
i'd do anything
to fill the space
he left inside of me

there's something magical
about a resemblance
he makes me feel
a spark of life
in a sea of darkness
like a bright star
in outer space

he drives me insane
and now
everything i say
is feeling a bit fake. . .

her soft features
and gentle voice
make my blood
turn to
a gentle simmer.

all i see
is her
through his eyes

he wants her,
desires her,
prefers her,
he neglects me.

he cherishes her,
nurtures her,
loves her,
but neglects me.

he invests in her,
holds her gently,
takes care of her,
and neglects me.

because all i am
is his second choice.

just something
to go back to
when what he really wants
isn't there.

I have not talked to you in four years. Sometimes I wonder if you're dead or not. Some moments I miss you a lot. As I grow into who I am, I think more about what we are. The longer you are gone, the more I realize how unique and different you are. Or maybe you just brainwashed me so badly that I can't see other people for themselves. I only look for you.

I wonder what you're doing or thinking right now. You just disappeared from earth. I want to have someone fill in for you so badly. To cure my aching desire.

Why does everything I love have to get lost?

There are some people, who I will never meet anyone like them. But they don't give a **** about me. But I can't forget them. I can't have anything I love. It never stays.

I can't have anyone I love. They never stay.

it comforts me
sending little internet emails
sailing through a sea of networks
hoping you'd find it
i guess i forgot this part of moving on.
sometimes
you just have to write it out
all the pain
all the love you lost
all the times you want to die
and just cant take no more
im at that point
going numb
to my mom going through all my **** in my room
my brother scratching up my brand new phone
feeling trapped inside this house
going crazy because i can't have ***
crying myself to sleep at night because i don't have a partner
and i feel empty inside
and feel hopeless.
and i now understand
even if this ******* manifestation is real,
that life is just suffering.
and that's how it's supposed to be.
and we've all just gotta cope with that
that everything is ******,
and it'll only get worse.

i always come to this point
where there's nothing left in my heart
just fantasies that i hope would come true
things that i imagine in my head

am i even lovable to you?
sometimes i feel like its the color of my skin
i dont feel like i match with my skin and body
i abandoned my body after you taught me i was worthless
that that's all i was good for
what else did you ever love me for?
nothing.

and no one else will ever love me for anything else.

yes
i have mood swings
i can be manic
but most of the time
i am just
lonely
sad

i am sorry (not sorry)
i scared you away
and said messed up things

its because you hurt me
and i was so afraid
things
are never as they seem

id do anything
just to have a partner...
just to have love

not ******* sorry
cause i shouldnt be.

i can't believe that i was so desperate.

There is nothing I can do.
No revenge I can get.
I am filled with anger, and hatred.
And now, as I feel it pulsing throughout me,
I realize that my ability to hold grudges is a curse.

I have a cloud over my head..
there's no love that ever existed between us..

i did nothing wrong
i was too young after all
i just fell asleep
under your underlying spell

you made my life hell
you are so extremely hot
you seem picture perfect
and i simply, am just not.

do you ever forget?
i just live in my head
you said you cant hate me,
could you love me instead?

more than a friend,
but what is a friend,
if you constantly lie to them
fake an apology, and lie again.

lie, lie, lie again
here i cry, and lie again.

you,
you are everything i could ever want
my worst nightmare, shining like a gem
oh how i have grown so numb,
i just might let you use me again.

but don't,
no don't get mad if i destroy you again-

lie, lie, lie again
here i cry, and lie again.

What did I do for my life to be destroyed like this?
What did I do to deserve this?

falling backwards
off a cliff
into time
i do drift
my eyes hurt
it's an eclipse
of my whole life
dust into mist
i just wish
i didn't exist
i just wish
i had my wish
i just wish
you cared a little bit
about my tears
about my pain

everything i want
oh how it slips
right off my hand
i've lost my grip
on my own voice
i do trip
i never speak up
i admit

in my heart
i feel a pit
at my past
i feel stupid
all i do
is cry
i cry for
all my life
i cry alone
the sobs echo
i feel the pain
i feel the fear
every day
every year

time flies by
like a bee
i grow tall
like a tree
i will fall
i will go
i will die
feeling lost

I don't even know what to call this. It's like a story. I believe I'm copying the writing style of Abby Geni. Maybe she aligns with my mind. Maybe she understands. I don't know.

All I can think about is how you treat me versus what you say you want with me. It just makes me feel too confused. I'm usually imagining you driving over to Philly and us talking in the car. Me smiling at you, or having a straight face. Or maybe both, depending on my mood. Sometimes I'm *****. Sometimes I'm sad. Sometimes I'm angry. You'd easily be able to see my slight change in personality, in emotion, mood swings.

I need to workout before it its 1.

I am an open book with you. I can never remember a time I ever lied to you. I don't like lying. I want to be authentic and be myself. All I can wonder is just: Why? Just ******* why? Why do you keep trying to have *** with me and then call me your friend? I thought about it in the bathroom. I think that you like me as a friend but have a problem controlling your ****** impulses around me. Cause I "turn you on." But even your friendship is a problem. Is being racist, making hateful comments about my religion, and constantly nitpicking my intelligence and making me feel like **** what you call a "friend?" I don't get what's wrong with you.

The more I explore life in my little way, and grow curious about things, the more I see the truth about you. But it's also easy for me to get swept up in the grand delusion I ******* have. Being "so in love!" with you. Why?

I went on and on and on about why, for so long. Is this another part of you that I love? That you're a racist *******? Who can't control himself?

My thoughts and memories and disfragmented. Whatever the ******* word is.

I was disappointed when you first showed me your face. I can't remember much but the awkward smile.

That little curve, bent. Like it was forced. Something uncanny. Like an AI staring himself in the mirror. Facade, deceiving himself to think he's some sort of king. A ******* clown.

And that shirtless pic you went around showing everyone like a ****. And of course you had to cheat on me. But for some reason I don't care about that. Because you told me about that so late. Like, 2 years after.

You'e so hard to understand. I'm just tearing up right now. I'll never be the same after everything you did to me. I constantly feel like I can't ******* scream. I can't ******* get angry. I'm getting choked up.

I'm tearing up because I'm also disillusioned. Because I keep being in love with a fantasy. Because it constantly plays inside my head, over and over again.

I walk around life flat-faced, and emotionless. Hiding my painful everyday routine. No ***. No dating. It's killing me, but it's alright. I'll just study and work all day. Holding back the tsunami of pain and emotions that threatens to take over me. A defining mark of a borderline personality. Maybe I should delete my account. Start a new one. I've had so many.

Everything's just going through my head. But especially the thought... the thought of us meeting for real. I would be happy. Would I be happy? Excited.. but would that switch to sadness, knowing the disgusting ******* thing you really are? Or would I lash out, and switch to anger? Would I scream at you? Like I desperately want to?

The way you make me feel is so crazy. So confused. So lost. Normal people look at me like I'm ******* crazy. "Just move on."
"Just let it go."
I don't want anyone else

Every person I'm attracted to you somehow has to have some characteristic of you. They have to look like you. Have the same skin tone as you. Intellect like you. Attractive like you. My ****** desire is for no one but you. The people I attract are even just you. I can't escape from you in my life. You are everywhere. You are everything.

You are the only thing I love. Destabilizing me, making me crazy, ruining my life. All of this other **** is worthless. You are the only one I love.

I guess I do love you and your flaws. Maybe I love the fact that you don't love me. Maybe I love the chaos and drama. Maybe I love hanging by a thread. Maybe I love constantly being depressed everyday because of my internal hell.

I can just imagine you ******* with me again. Trying to have *** with me. Buying me risque things. All you make me feel like is an object. You make me feel like you can't ever see me as a person. You can't ever love me. You just want to always use me. You make me cry. You make me feel tired. Of the same **** over and over again. You live in my head.