What will I be like
if I ever reached
100 years of age?

I imagine myself
wealthy
married
successful
on the brink of death

I've painted one hundred paintings
made one thousand crafts
pictured ten thousand things
that have brought forth value
to the world

I don't think I would have found the one
maybe he would come naturally
like so many stories
of how husbands and wives found each other
or maybe
I'd be with a woman
cause' my sexuality has changed
over time

And what is successful to me
is achieving my dreams
creating music
taking back control of my life
finding love
being independent
and being free

some things
should be kept private
left unsaid
not shared
not spoken

crickets
blood drippin'
hand grips
heavy epuipment

cause' i hit that blow
and he takes the fall
and i feel so slick
treading down the hall
i just take my pick
of all you sheep
it was written on the wall
while you were all asleep

i know him
i follow him
i haunt him
i want him

i am him
but i'm not him
i feel him
and i've got him

cause' it feels so good
when im in his mind
my villianous prescense
has him hypnotized
baby, I'm not your slave
so just save it
i don't know if this is man made,
but i'm a sadist
and no ones comin' to save me
pray to the god who made you

cause' it feels so good
cause' i hit that blow
and he takes the fall
and i feel so sick
treading down the hall
i just take my pick
of all you sheep
it was written on the wall
while you were all asleep

Abused
and misunderstood
I am so surprised
at the amount of people
who defend abusers
simply because
they don't like "crazy."
but they will still
use crazy people
and sleep with them
and treat them
like animals.
They'll ****
the crackheads on the street
and think something
is wrong with them
they don't have a home
for a reason.
That girl
with mood swings
whose desperate
that girl
who sells her body
just has daddy issues.
That girl
you lied to
and manipulated
and used,
she's just crazy.
And no one knows how she came out to be that way.

That girl
is a *** toy
and a waste of time.
That girl
is so desperate for love
she is weird.
She needs therapy.
She needs help.
Because therapy is so easy to get, right?
Just wait until you find the right one!

It's not like
I emotionally shut down
It's not like
people tell me that over and over again
while I have flashbacks
and go back in time
4 years ago
when I first learned
how to trauma bond

It's not like
the world treats me
like somethings wrong with me
it's not like
men know
that I am extremely traumatized
and target me
and take advantage of me
It's not like
I haven't been eyeballed
since I was 9 years old
It's not like
my mom tells me
awful things about my body
that I'm fat
that I'm ****
that I need to lose weight
It's not like
she's touched me
in weird ways

which is the reason why
we haven't hugged
since who knows when.

In the strands
of my DNA,
I am repulsed by her touch.
It's not like
these dudes in their 20s
are looking for
some hot
11 year old
15 year old
16 year old

What do you do
when you're a 40 year old man
who just doesn't got it no more?
Let's chat up
the ****
17 year old
girl

My ex
mentally
and emotionally
tortured me
and out of fear
I attracted
more guys
just like him.

That's exactly
what I wanted
ever since
that moment
he treated me
like a *** object
I slit the throat
of my inner child
and became one.

I'm always hovering
outside my own body
like an etheric spirit
observing
a beautiful mold of clay.
I am overwhelmed
by emotions
I've slowly processed
from years ago
I am scared
of men
in real life.
I am too afraid
to have ***
yet, I want it
so bad
desperately

I am afraid
to be
my ****** self
because I don't
want to be taken advantage of
I am afraid
of love
because I am naive

I am afraid
to tell people
who I am
because the moment I say
I have BPD
they'll think
I'm "crazy"
and make me into
that puppet
that concept
that everyone has
inside their mind

I only feel safe
in my room
holding my own body
I've lost
50 pounds
I look different
I don't know who I am
anymore.

I've always had
a negative self-image
and still do
I try to fight it
but it is powerful
the way he made
me feel so worthless
and disgusting
the way I float
near my own face

wishing
I,
the spirit,
could live
inside myself
that's what
we all
truly are
I wish
I could go back
to when I was a child
when I was free
when I didn't hate men
or fear them
when I felt inside my body
and my emotions
when I felt happy
when I believed in love
and never felt empty
but always full.

And the last time
I sought out love
I let that man
crush my boundaries
with a mallet
and in doing so
he crushed me.

I looked at my past
and saw my future
and decided
to shut down
my fragile heart
and love no more.

And now
I am 18
a ******
who has never had a real man
or been on a real date
but only lied to
and manipulated
behind a screen.

I am mentally destroyed
and have no idea
in the ******* world
how I'll find a partner.

But I've accepted
that I am crazy
and that I am a ****
even though I've
never had ***
and that I am
completely
and utterly
hopeless.