My dream turned to sudden death - 
Thousands of feet in the air,
I was without a seat, without a hope
Just me in the sky with no diamonds.
 
My wings detonated to blow flowers
All scathed and wished away
I was an eagle no more
and so I returned to a sleep of angel's land.

A hundred dreams more
I’ve weaned myself off the fear
Runway’s like a dissipating cloud but **** it, no one’s died yet.

Not many people get to watch the clouds
Never mind be above them
I just hope they’re not in my way when I’m no longer up in space.

Eyes are enigmatic
Yet reserved, keeping their distance.
They can spot the nervousness
And devour it
Like they haven’t eaten in days.
It wouldn’t be hard to imagine
Too lost on the motorbikes
That fill this Tabard garden
Just like my anxiousness fills me
When I’m trying to just float through it.

Valentine years ambushed
You cupped my neck with a blade
As long as this jagged bridge you love now.
Even with the **** forming
I licked at it like monochrome cat
And well, the butterflies turned to bats
Radioactive and forcing me to retreat…
Slink into the night I came from.
You go back to yours, unashamed
But I’m at my absolute limit
Loving to dying to hexing to not caring
******* hell.
Now I’m writing that poem you wanted so badly - a retaliation to the machete
Hanging out of my throat
Because if I suddenly lose my invisibility powers, no gouging of me will be as horrifying as what I have to scream to you.

The barn was almost bare
And autumnally bloated with draft.
There was a hole they couldn't be bothered knocking a plank of wood over to keep any more
stock from going off.

But they could knock up their wives with no problem at all -
More grubby mouths to feed, more grabby hands at the table...
The animals knew this.
The animals wanted revenge.

Stoked by ammunition
Their fleets like pigs hearts fleet
Trotters, hooves, spider webbed feet
The humans under attack as the Sunday banquet made knives out of horns and teeth
Revenge was sweet like people meat.

I was butter in his mouth
but I felt like cement.
Lady, there's a dog in your house
and it's teeth are bent.

I wish I was someone else
With enough sense to wish
You would've sent me away
So I could morph into a stranger's bloodline like a London city light.

I see myself in everyone who gives me kindness;
I doubt it's normal to wonder if I'm theirs but I do
In not finding the same kindness in you.

I sit in the wake of the plans
Vowing not to drink but doing it anyway, one urge from you
And I'm right back where I was before I met my friends

Who tell me I'm worth more
Than every streetlight
That makes the world so radiant
In the dead of December
Where it takes the cold ***** in me to remember

I need to be brave
And fun myself into running into the girl you could've been
The girl you could've been if you hadn't have had me.

There was a hand
it used to be golden
but then it met hers
everything became tainted
like the ground she laid in

Anything, she said
I will draw the smoke
you will draw the big round eyes
she was in awe
the other just had to say the word

Let us be a little less dark
I’ll treat you kindly
I think you’re a depiction
of something i could love
when we get some warmer light

There is a hand
it used to be golden
but it paddled in blood
everything became tainted
like the ground she lays in.

To lower myself to their watch
with their black eyes,
knowing eyes,
would be bad on their part.
There's no love poems,
just eyes and lifeless bodies,
non feeling, not levitating
like you would think.
I moulded myself out of nothing,
they might use me
but I am their muse.
Their Medusa.

You were an unlocated island
Inhabited within palm trees aligned
To cast the hazy dreams I see today
When I think about when I didn't know you.
The travellers who sailed across the roseate desert
Never thought to discover what was glowing
Like tangerine torches to lead me back into the light.
When I was given the map,
The luminosity was so defying
to how I wanted to love you,
That I wrapped myself in lurid shadows
As if they were velvety serapes
Because I was so fond of the midnight dusk.

You longed for a taste of another species
While I clung to the jungle vines that replicate my own.
Euphoric lava bottled up inside of me,
I couldn't tell you how your twisted words
Made my brain fizz like it was filled with lemonade.
As if the romantic poetry was seaweed
That you tied around every corner of the boat
I needed to pull me towards the shore
Like peonies groping their arms across my land
To steal whatever skin I had left to give.
I longed for you to unwrap the reef
And touch each and every fruit I grew for you.
But you'd already destroyed our rainforest
When your lips got tangled in someone else's mouth.
Though, I still want to go to the island.

How can they say you're a bad guy
When your eyes well up at the softest of sounds?
The man with peppery hair and walks his dog through the Manchester clouds.
You're candid about your struggles, there's no shame in being a luminary, a friend
And these social issues, injustices are not your fight but you'll see it through till the very end.
We've seen you through the ages - flowered shirts to suits and ties, the same one washed daily
You're a normal bloke though it's safe to say you're not doing too well lately.
Just take into account that if you purge the atypical parts of yourself, you'll be unhappy either way
And if it was up to me, you'd embrace every tint of grey around that dewy eyed face.
How can they say you're a bad guy
When your eyes well up at the softest of sounds?
The man with peppery hair and walks his dog through the Manchester clouds.

Once I cried at the thought of a man
Forcing himself inside of me.
I was scared of the night owls
Breaking my locks, draining me of blood,
I imagined dying.
And when the time did come to be crushed, I felt myself start to snap.
Everything about him was too large to the point I refused to let him touch my leg
Never mind let him do what he really wanted to do.

I led him on.
I led them all on.
I resigned to softer features,
Those who'd understand the dolling up, the shirt covered stomach
The endless closure of my eyes they couldn't stare at themselves in.
Of course that never came to fruition but now
I'm so sick of myself I feel nauseous come nighttime.
Lost in the darkness until I fall asleep in a huff.

Maybe I should've let him do it.
Same with the man who
Squeezed me like a clementine
Thinking he was shooting me up, a rocket in his pocket.
Only I was shooting up to forget how he made me feel like a corpse.
To my friends I expressed this and ran into a taxi...
Only for him to slap the shame of being a lesbian back into me.
If I said it didn't lead me to consider trading my body with stardom I'd be lying.

If someone saw me the way I see myself in bed
I think I'd want to be with me too.
This is the slaughter of the lost girl
I’m printing it on the skin of the new girl - the not easy but free girl
Who's sexuality has nothing to do with damage already done.
Deep is the depths of the lengths I’m going to to celebrate this
In the darkest realms possible.
The care dripping from my nerves.

My mind is a clementine.
It's freshly squeezed
and it's guts are everywhere.
I tread over the peels
but keep slipping on the intestines.
The stringy bits hang me up
by my ears and I jump around
like a patient under shock treatment.
It's sunset all the time, never day,
never night, just stuck between madness
and catatonic tendencies.
I'm always here and can't get out
of the orange waltz.

It's a series of technical difficulties,
my mind is tuning itself.
But I never turned the radio on,
I don't want to hear the talking anymore.
The only clever idea it comes up with
is to blow myself up so I can
BECOME part of the sunset.
Whatever I do, it'll be messy, it is in there.
Maybe it'll learn not to
call me a mars struck alien and
make me butcher myself up like I'm
mouldy and unworthy of saving.
I've gone off and my mind is thriving off it.

The train stops panting
I start to breathe
Poke my head around the bramble
See if it’s real

The artery of the station
An ever-winding sweet pea forest
A woodland cemetery
Black beauty’s still there

No splinters to my soles
Ankle cuts instead
Ball of fur that prowls and cries
But warms my lap at night

Yorkshire tea, toast with butter
Slumped in the rabbit hole
Then the fairy light switch on - not like Blackpool’s poor attempt

Twilight comes, I wait for bats
Scratch go the branches
On the bathroom window, I shudder though I’m not scared anymore

Weddings under the arch
Between me and my love sleep
We drink pink lemonade
Grow roses round the shed

I’ve magic in my finger tips
Spouting only when I’m here
Fields of an un-jaded me
For miles and miles and miles

The shard overlooking my flat
Is a protector who vowed
to keep me starry eyed
As the night got quiet but not too quiet
I was at war at what it should be like.
It didn’t exactly feel safe but it was home
And now I’m not home.
I miss blending in with those who thought I was too tame and shy,
Striding through the traffic like a butterfly
On edge but excited.
Struggling artist, mannequins, rushing, drowning, dying, staying anyway.
It’s what I hungered for and I took it away
All because I’m alone
I didn’t know what to do…
And now villanelle’s bridge, my balcony, keyboard, the man near the sign of hope who looked like a rockstar…
it’s all close by but gone
My shattered shard in bits.

Contaminating my insides by
Sending ashes down my pharynx
Sabotaging my career
To score damp pits of my eyes
Tired and heavy, red from the puffs
As if they aren't ****** enough

The truth is
Inhaling w33d only makes me sadder
I'm just trying to sit under rainbows
Hoping some of it stains my skin
Better than lacerations ever could
Any blood waterfall is dangerous

I'm in the underbelly of recovery
Mutating with
Every changed thought
My curves hugging my dress to I'm splurging out
Hot, heavy, popping
Dissipating spine yet feeling divinity
It's too vast but I want to do stuff
I don't want to faint
***** in a limo
Be asked if I want to sit down by a man who wouldn't give a **** if he saw me now
I like to think of myself as a vampire; To enjoy blood not from my own oesophagus
And maybe I do have a higher chance of immortality,
At least when it comes to dispossessing Anorexia of its liquidation.
It still winds round me like a time bomb and always will.
I thank god it's stagnant.

My eyeballs bolt
The moment it’s twelve,
I was a pumpkin before the ball.
Thirteen hours till blazing lights
Thirteen hours of fright.

Night owls hoot,
I’ve become one myself
Fawn and soft like puppy’s paws.
The man i dream, he is a fox
He knows to open Pandora’s box.

Aurora strikes,
I’m banished to the satellite
That orbits London in track record time.
Six hours in, I’m golden bound
Being chased by thunder hounds.

The goblin king glares at me
Eyes alert but aglow
They wonder where I’ll turn.
Left or right, in or out, either way is bad, either way you’ll go mad.

I wait for the fireworks
As they’ll inevitably come
The sirens to evacuate us off.
Three measly hours to search limbo
Three hours, I still won’t be home.

Staircases fall
And just when it ends,
No bellow is heard from Jareth.
Thirteen hours up, he grits his teeth
Thirteen hours luck, I just breathe.

I dig myself deeper
every ambient night.
I'm unaware,
disguised as summer light.
This sweet meadow,
It lost its charm when i
Conjured evening shadows,
my sadness in flight.

Am I your auburn day
In a world of flaxen nights?
It feels like i'm a convenience,
Everybody went home for summer
And I'm the only fool, fool enough
To take the pity like a girl
Never distinct enough to be wanted.

We went to so many places
And still I keep myself locked in.
It doesn't feel real
Pictures never emerge
And what I've found is that
I'm okay for an escapade
But anything more than that?
I'm something to be hidden.

I think I remember back to something
but I’m not sure.
The day that it happened I was young
but it’s hardly even a memory.
I know that there’s a part of this that’s wrong
but nothing rings true.

I think he gripped me, no he didn’t, did he?
slow or quick
or has my mind slipped, it’s always slipping.
was it abuse,
the point of being so abnormal that it was normal to live by the coral.

I always imagined i was a sea creature
we can’t reach her, they’d say.
she’s too far away fading it all out
and I always wondered why
no one even asked me what it was about
when all the time

they were trying to clear the ******* drought.

I think I won’t remember and perhaps it’s for the best,
can i please now rest?
I love and I can’t stand the ocean in my head,
sometimes i wish i was dead
and honestly, would that really be so bad
when these stills are always so sad?

They’re so raw and you’re all so painted,
it’s not me being opinionated.
I remember my life being so bright but now I’m in bed
and again, it’s crawling in my head.
I’m making it up, none of this feels real but...
It might be. And it scares me.

She doesn't know it but her face will be on show for years to come
Her voice a siren, not for war but for rights.
The flames will become a sunset
But the ashes are still there
And back then they rained on her skin
An endless reminder of who she is
Confusion, uncertainty, worry
A tongueless woman in a swarm of male noise
Until her red lips move, her blue eyes match the aqua of the sky
After the darkness has cleared
Resolution near

Don't let me stand on your shoulders.
I've got two left feet but I can do pirouettes around you
And your financial stability, home and office job.

I'm only 5'2 but there's altitude in my ambitions
Far as it may be, I want what you have and more.
I went from auburn to Hepburn, my clubbing nights are scarce but each piano in London knows me

Like a young woman knows the fun and the hard work to be had in life.
It's simpler than you make me out to be
Mice aren't stupid and nice isn't polluted
I just like gentleness.

I don't like being talked down to by broader shoulders.
From feet on the right way to security when I can do orbits of verve's and souvenirs
I am a clammed Pearl, true blue
I am a woman just like you.

Even if I call you my sister,
We're twin flames in the way that
We live virtually the same lives.
Sometimes I get jealous that yours is changing and mine stays the same despite our placements in the world
You're scared of what's to come but not to the point where it's crippling.
I think that's pretty brave for my younger self to bear 
I promise you'll rise where I've remained
You'll be the career woman you raved about, find love too
And they'll love you, they'll love you, they'll love you
Vaster than the amount we inhabited in their absence
You know I'm honest so believe it.

Lines are drawn across pitted skin,
She pulls her claws, tying ribbon.
Mouth sewn tight so I can't speak,
I slide my wrists upon the sink.
My feelings are transparent;
This pain endured is like heaven.
She tells me that I deserve it,
And so I make another slit.

Lines are drawn across pitted skin,
She pulls her claws in, tying ribbon.
Mouth sewn tight so I can't speak,
I slide my wrists upon the sink.
My feelings are transparent;
This pain endured is like heaven.
She tells me that I deserve it,
And so I make another slit.

Buzzing, buzzing, buzzing
The radio waves are crushing
I still hold out for one harmonious note
But the screens aren’t clear yet
A flip of a switch
A brain, a heart, a shaking hand stilled
Nerves pricking up like bewildered cat ears
Drum beats punch me
Down down down
Into your beautiful frown

I wasn’t expecting this
I wasn’t even looking for it
Yet as I’m thinking about how my bones will be cranberry coloured from this drink
You’re figuring out ways to be the worlds first rainbow supernova
An unexpected transmission
Just one second to put the spaceship in ignition and we’re here
Smiling stupidly from ear to seaside pier

I’m sorry that I don’t come across
as being as lovable as you are.
My days consisted of hesitation,
building me a wall between
what I used to feel so heavily
and what I push away to the point
where it’s hurting me.
I see the breaths of silence dancing
on the screens that part us.
You might feel it blowing through,
I hope that it’s not hurting you
because it would make me wonder too.

I myself am vacant.
He is in it for the violence,
she is lazulite sea,
I still see his bullet wounds.
You know it’s sultry,
me finding my red refuge,
skin in blood satin
like live people will notice.
I plead to join them,
for the ripples of my dress
to be like the winds
killing jewels and men.
For I myself am vacant.

There's blackness as I wake
Even as I wake it's still night.
It might be sullen of me
But waking up is heart rending when you have nothing to wake up for.

Saturnine bells ring as if I should shoot up, sing till my voice is sore
In the 7am pre rest
Of at least on the outside, resting for the rest of the day.

I could write, I could respond to who could change my life
Get myself out of pathetic debts burdened onto me by fellow humans
Who should adapt to my snails pace; not urge me to rush.

I feel like my head is tagging along behind my body
Or vice versa
I want the coffee to make my dreams come true
Without me having to face rejection.

I wanted to die at twelve
So knowing what to do has become a rare jewel for a planet
That saw the other orbs living freely and didn't follow suit.

It wants me to wake and detonate
Fade into fewer words
And sit pretty with my Venus face.
Slotting myself between depression and depression seems like a common thread for most

But I can't do it.
I just can't do it.

The fairy times
We flap our arms like wings
We take off
Like the plane of other worlds
The plane that gives my ears pain.

Dreams I only dream here
Beds don’t give me imagination
Don’t make my legs shake
I read about snakes, tattoos of snakes,
Speaking of snakes back home

I admit I’ve never seen mountains before
The lift to the clouds
Is another dream but less pointless
It suits me, it engulfs me
It has me for breakfast left out on the road

It’s a walk in heaven
Bends, mends to my heart
Looking for the roots of my imprisonment
I find myself growing with the lilacs
Out of the belly of the cow.

I spend the time wasting it
It goes faster when I'm distracted and by getting distracted
I mean getting wasted.

Wasting it in fictional characters I can pretend to care about more the non. Not that I know the difference
Falling in love with words of bold.

I'm wasted without drinking
Dreaming, thinking, writing of the soon to be girlfriend in my phone who sleeps away my days.

We're wasting time by wasting time
Wishing the other wasn't wasting dates, wasting away
Until my arm's around your waist.

He only wanted to talk once
you were held captive by the dark.
When midnight struck, he had you.
His smoke circle eyes scanned
your red and blue body as if
it was a police interrogation.
You were young and in love.
What could possibly be wrong?

He only wanted to apologise once
morning escaped from it's chains.
When the scars become visible,
it was red roses and dinner dates.
Purple bruises, another excuse,
accident prone yet still in love.
The stars came out to watch
as you took off your clothes again.

I wanted the sun to cleanse me
and when the rain came
i drifted to another place with you.
See, it calms me and doesn’t ignite me,
it doesn’t blacken me more
in the process of healing and hope
like it does when i’m completely
discoloured without you.

She took a dive
on a particularly lonely night.
It’s when women play.
Pristine girls who pick brains
dream of ******* in the rain,
wives in the same predicament,
sixty years with a man
go ferociously with the familiar.
The man was now like cadaver,
traces of him in her footsteps
though she had a woman’s tongue
on hers now and liked it.
Perhaps nights would never be
so lonely again.

Where have I been?
Did I go on holiday?
Or was I locked up somewhere I couldn't form memories in?
Shocked all mind out of me like a floating anecdote in the dead of a disco; vacant, radiating.
Spinning like the mirror *****, the records soundtracks to my
Prone to oblivious nature.
The past is lost on me
Lost dogs, cats, turned to strays by a world that won't let them remember
Wander helplessly around my head
Like a coven of forgotten souls.
In being forgotten, they forgot who they were.
In being asked where I've been, I forgot who I was as well.

She was a skeleton inside a snakeskin canvas;
the smoothest of hands to hold it’s madness.

She punctured the cliffs edge
but she wouldn’t meet the venom;
too dull, too grey,
pull at the tendons and never see heaven.

Did the momentum fade with the rain, was the rain golden?
Was it frigid, did everything stand still or was it fallen?

The more I reap the details in which mystery was apposed
the more I sew the waves with my narrative and dizzy words.

I picture a youth in my arms; squirmed in me and yanked out.
I’m too much of a charcoal cloud,
raw, cold yet loud.

Maybe it’s me above the harbour,
I’m curdling on the brink
like pale suns in vintage skies;
there’s nothing else to live for.

She bathes below the faucet of the sea and takes in discolouration.
When the windscreen wipers stop, breathing stops in full acceleration.

Opals turned sideways
Was the shape of her eyes
Though one sagged, the other in a dream
A cluster of halo lids came a muse it seems.

Her hair unraveled
In wisps of barley, freckles of snow
“I inhabit cloud nine”
Said the strawberry mouth, glossy with plump plum glow.

She mumbles us a lullaby
Of what life means, of apple pies.
Made up words that make sense to her but they lose it.
They stop her in her tracks.

I want to speak up
Though it’s all too heavy.
It’s heavy for me while she’s light as plumes, drifting and drifting
There’s something about her that’s loopy.

The woman is from another time,
You can’t make friends with her.
This conversation skyrockets on
Until I’m in the corridor
And I can’t see her raincoat anymore.

Woven with yellow, the rivers blues, a lack of haleness suffused with daffodils
Sends the sailors head over heels
As she floods the room with hailing screams.

Watch out, watch out, watch out I say, I’m too anxious to talk today.
I’m numb all the time and so is she - I think she sees this and approaches me.

She is there for a second
And then she’s the sunset
Here to shine the day goodbye without articulating it
Like mist

A trick of settling upon the hebden moors
Only to manoeuvre her own country shores.
I step in
And the world is no more.

The clarity of the sky is all for you;
bluebell contrails open up their arms.
You should've found that true happiness
and you still capture mine.
But it wasn't a breeze.
It was intangible cyclones like hazel thorns
ripping the edges of your world
and all I can say is that I'm sorry.
That wasn't meant to happen.
All the things worth treasuring don't
come close to you,
all I wish is that you're smiling now.
For secret gardens only you can see
and you to breathe easy while you sleep.

In retrospect, it's been nothing
But it's such a big big thing to live.
I cast my brain upon
balconies seven heavens high.
When my train flattened an innocent man I wished it could've been me.

I feel like I've lived more lives than words they use to say
"You wouldn't know".
You wouldn't know what I have to do to get the tears to flow
Never mind the fragments of breath
That try to sink when I sail them. 

The scintillation of just one problem
Is enough to short circuit me.
I shouldn't have to worry but I do
Unknowingly creating loop holes
In each defiance I now call a luxury.
I don't want to live so why should I know how to?

As from today, I don't have a heart of stone
In fact I never hated you, in fact I loved you
But I have a tendency to act otherwise
Especially when you make me so nervous
Said heart knots itself into a stony oblivion
Stands still through my isolated affection
I promise it's being knocked down any day now
Even if I don't see how, I've loved you throughout
The healing, the building of something new
Throughout the zoysia it's always been you