I was in my bed, thinking
about what had happened the previous night.
Just him & I,
or was it a dream?
A nightmare so dark,
that it left on me a permanent mark.
 
It was too horrifying to be a reality,
that it robbed me of my sanity.
Why did he do that to me?
Even though I screamed,
even though I begged him to stop,
even though I said no,
I begged him to let me go.
 
But he didn’t.
 
I can still feel his body pressing against mine,
I can still hear him say “shh, quite” from time to time.
He slid his hand under my shirt & up my skirt,
& oh lord he was such a pervert.
He explored my body as if his own,
he went places where I didn’t want him to go.
 
Why did he?
Weren’t my words clear to him?
It was like he couldn’t get enough.
I was a game to him,
which he liked to play rough & tough.
 
He was sadistic & dominant,
he was fiendish & relentless.
The disgust I felt is something I cannot explain,
something I won’t forget.
I need to be set free,
from this agonizing pain.

This incident has consumed me.
Made me lose faith,
made me lose trust,
as I felt severely violated.
My body feels violated.
It doesn’t feel like my own.
 
He left me in the blues,
he left my body bruised,
& my soul wounded,
my mind hurts too.
So I need to ameliorate,
the memory of that day,
that he made me rue.
 
For what has happened has happened,
I've got to move on,
from this tormenting incident,
which most won’t understand.
Which most won’t believe.
& I know I’ll be blamed for it,
even though I am the victim here,
as victim blaming will never disappear.
 
I’ve been left with permanent scars
That cannot heal,
emotionally & physically,
but this is something with what I have to deal.
  
One thing that I’ve learned is that I need to be careful,
& I need to be aware,
to protect myself from all the cruelty out there.
 
As it is my fault not his.
But why am I getting accused?
Of this abuse,
even though I had already refused,
even though I had said no,
yet he never stopped.
& yet I was blamed,
for no mistake of my own.
 
So I guess that there is nothing that I can do,
& nothing that I can say.
But these new descended demons in my head,
need to be tamed.