My suffering is suffocating

I am all of the clearance
Unwanted and undesired
By you

It was a mistake
You were a mistake

I hesitate because I know I would succeed if I attempted it
I’m still here
Waiting.
For what?

There’s no closeness
Even after our bodies have shared the ultimate closeness
Why are you so far away?
Even when you’re right next to me

All of my pain is just a secret I keep to myself

Your words take me to a whole other dimension

Thinking about you is so painful
I’d rather just die

Dried tears on my face
Again

Congratulations!
You made me feel worse than I did before
Your mind games are impossible to navigate successfully

I have nothing to do and no one to do it with

I feel like I could sit and stare at nothing
Forever

It’s so hard seeing you four days in a row
Pretending like nothing is happening
Pretending I don’t know what you taste like
Pretending I haven’t felt your weight on me
Pretending you never held my hand
Pretending the looks you give me don’t hold any special meaning
I want to see you on the other three days
Just once
Take pity on me
Just once
I need you to want to see me

I’m just the scariest looking dog on the planet
No one will pet me

I do nothing to numb the pain
I will need an outlet soon

The details are far too sad and pathetic to exist anywhere but my feeble mind

Making myself miserable
My own closely guarded secret
Anything for you
Make it better by making me feel worse

It’s not fun to me unless I’m getting emotionally damaged

Every notification I get that isn’t you is a twist of the knife deeper into whatever is left of my heart

Inferno
There is a fire ablaze within
Do I extinguish it?

I want it to be real
No more words on a screen
Skin to skin contact

Some nights I’m scared to sleep
he still haunts me

Your life
Where do I fit in?
I don’t
Useless hope keeps me going

Stressed and extra depressed

You changed entirely from last Thursday
And I don’t know why
Maybe it’s for the best
A kiss from me is a harbinger of death

I’m so desperate it’s disgusting

My thoughts are an inconvenience
I am inconvenient

I’m greedy
I want the entire moment
Not just the exquisitely delicious before moment where I fall

You chose me
And you keep choosing me
It makes me feel special
I don’t want you to get bored

I think about you
Every minute
Of every hour
Of every day
I doubt I ever cross your mind at all

I want too much from people that aren’t willing to give anything

If I stop for a second to think about what you said, my brain instantly goes manic

I don’t know why I keep trying with you

My fear of rejection and abandonment keep me isolated

You say the most by saying nothing at all

I fix the outside
There’s no hope left for the inside

Whenever I’m alone
I imagine being alone with you

I think about you all day long
It only makes your rejection worse

I think about all the things I could’ve said that would’ve been better

I’m anxious
I’m nervous
I’m anticipating
You

Are you going to be able to squeeze me in today or will you leave me high and dry like last time?

I’m on edge
I don’t know how much or which feelings to invest if any at all
You could change your mind
You’re impossible to read

I see myself alone
An uninhabited island

What’s the point in crying over something that never existed

I’m so terrified of the answer, I’ve put off asking the question

We don’t have conversations
I just try to keep you entertained
You always lose interest though

Why did you have to bother me if you were never going to bother with me?