Where will I be this time next year?

You’ve stopped writing about me...
Maybe you’ve finally found the June to your Johnny.

Why do I torture myself with memories from my past?
A song
A movie
A place
The raw hurt is a normality now
Emotionally cutting
Creating perpetual wounds

I’m a hopeless romantic masquerading as a heartless cynic.

Muse
Only for the amused
-Your Manic Pixie Dream Girl

All of my issues are just below the surface
Veiled by a thin gauze no one dares penetrate

It’s not working out.
How do I break up with myself?

I let my rage stew
It only ever simmers
It never boils over
Quiet rage is something I have mastered

I feel you miss her.

You say you love me.
It hurts regardless.
You make me feel like I interrupted your probably would be back with her relationship

I’m putting on a brave face
As your hand moves to my waist,
Down...
To my hip.
The left...
Scarred from Halloween twenty fifteen
Your left arm on display
My cuts
Left unseen

I should’ve pulled that trigger when I was fifteen
Saved the world from future me
All of the insecurities I wouldn’t have had to express
Saved eyes from seeing my Frankenstein nakedness

What am I?
Just another distraction on your list

Every day I sit and stare
Letting the pain from our memories wash over me
And the seemingly endless tears fall

What are we playing at?
Back at your apartment acting like we never slept next to each other for three weeks. Is it a defense mechanism? What are we afraid of? Containment.

I’m drowning in a world of pretending.
Is there anyone that can see through the façade and save me?

I hate feeling awful because of my stupid heart.

I’m dumbfounded by your enigmatic, dual state

Turns out
I’m nothing
To anyone I want to matter to

Sitting on your bed listening to you go on and on and on and on about her
Why am i even here?
I know a part of you genuinely wonders what would’ve happened between the two of you if you would’ve been different
If you didn’t have an addiction
If you weren’t so “irrational”
Will i ever truly be first?
Will i ever really matter to someone?
Would you go back to her in a heartbeat? She’s in your dreams
Nightmares maybe
...thoughts
i am not alone in there
Up there
In your clouded mind

And now I have to go out there,
Pretending I’m okay

Sitting next to you...
Filled to the brim with thoughts of you...
I know I’m sitting in a memory.

Look at me pretending I don’t like you

Thoughts marinate in my mind becoming tender romanticism.

Just say you need me

I know I have so much to give
And absolutely no one to give it to
Nobody wants a thing from me, that’s what makes it hurt so much

Maybe in a few years the fog will clear and I’ll be able to understand what we were doing now

I pick myself apart from the inside out

To read the words I’ve wondered about was beyond anything
Yes you physically is beyond amazing
But, for you to tell me that you’re thinking about me
To occupy any space in your mind is extraordinary

Everything I’ve ever written about you
Forget it

I feel so stupid that I feel so bad because of you

I look at myself all the time
Trying to find whatever it is people see in me

I’ll never mean anything to anyone as much as he means to me

It’s hard getting you in such small doses
I’d almost rather not enjoy you at all

I should’ve kept that bottle of pills
Feeling worthless
Do you even care how it affects me?
You never ask.
I always put your feelings first.
They’re more important because they’re more apparent I guess.
I have the same thoughts too.
You know that.
I’d like a drink too
I just need to forget my problems too
The need doesn’t pull me as strongly
Are your poems about me?
Are they about her?

I don’t want to think about you
You’re so confusing
But,
All I can do is try to figure out what you meant and what you want
You’re a cancer in my mind
Spreading
Overtaking

I missed you today but I’ll see you tomorrow

Why am I even considering getting two movie tickets
Why on earth would you even go with me?
I wouldn’t even know how to begin to ask you anyways

Inevitable first thoughts were right
We’re over before we begun
I’m not enough
Again
I’m alone
Lost a friend

Act and react to me.

You say I don’t understand.
Pain.
Yours and mine, you can’t take.
(A thought that frankly, ****** me off for f•ck’s sake)
Not realizing when your bad thoughts wake,
My being,
Eviscerates.
You’re trying to keep me out, to keep me sound.
But I want to know. To you, my heart is bound.

I’m just a body to you
Warm holes to be used
Only when you see fit

You make me hate myself
Why did you hold my hand at the movies?
Why did you even start talking to me if you didn’t want to be in a relationship with me?
You uprooted my simple, blissfully lonely life
I’m mad at you for that
I’m so angry
You made me believe there was an ounce of hope for something more when you knew you didn’t have any feelings for me
Now you’re all I can ever think about
And you still couldn’t care less about me

I get a fraction of a ghost of you

I want to be your favorite

When I’m with you
When we’re together
When your hands are on me
I have to pretend I’m not addicted to your touch
I have to pretend I don’t miss it every day

You to me-
A death blow

Who am I kidding
I can’t believe I almost had myself convinced
You only mess with me because you can’t have her

I want to say so much to you
Act on my emotions
But
I always lose my nerve
What if you reject me?

Your lips on mine
My hands on the back of your neck
Your hands on my back
My dream becoming reality

Love turned out to be more important than I wanted it to
It’s also too painful to bear when it’s unrequited