You prayed for demons hard to block you,
Every time I wake up now sometimes I wonder who beside you
It never hit the same like cold rain in the storm…
I honestly don’t know what the hell we was going
I’ve been in the field asking God cause your grown
U can’t believe that I had wings and now he’s gone

Can you find time for Me?
Was there somewhere that I needed to be ?
All these questions under the marajuana
I forgot how it feels to hear the silence when I find home

Blessing to the giver,
It slips you from the strays
Hold me like a beginner
Don’t let go until change.
Secrets in my veinsss
Whisper them to me
There lost beneath the sheets
Only those that strays

…am I just another high ?
Tell me babe are you high ?

Tonight I had to make two coffins
Okie so listen to this ...
Mathew left ... The Virgo ...yea but he blames me for all the problems we made.
And Nathan came back ... The Capricorn .... Yea I know and he only wanna be firends.
But Mr. Cap called Mr. Virgo and Mr. Cancer is in the middle looking on the outside like...
How do they both not like me ?
Then I thought and I was being honest dude like ... Yeah I did do that yeah I did make those mistakes but I stayed loyal to both ... Wait huh ? Ohhh.. yeah I get you hold on im  getting ahead of  my self .

I was with mr.virgo I been knowing him since he was 16 but we went out when he was 20 because he called me saying am I okay? And I was like why is he calling and yada yada yada now this is where Mr. Cap comes in.
I was with him *** Virgo never told me we were together until I lived with him ..... Yea! Right .... Oki Oki but here is the kicker.
Me and Virgo haven't been together for 3 months cause we fought alot.... But out of no where we are done . But he text me saying **** u and **** him I'm like WHOOOOO???
AND GUESS WHO IT IS ?
**** ASSS MR.CAPRICORN
SOOOO I text Virgo like I'm not him idk why he tryin to find me... Noooooooo that made him more mad at me and anything that we had was now shattered beyond prepare
And Im not going to lie I loved Mr Capricorn *** he kept coming back in the relationship being a gnetlemen but it was toxic .... FAST FORWARD TO FINISH THIS.
NOW
both are mad at me Virgo said I don't care what u say u want him and u ****** me over. But my poem brothers & sisters Im telling I loved him with the last of everything i told cap to move back I'm in something.

Now that I'm out cap wants to be firends but wait wait wait ....you were just trying to get back together and now that I'm like okay what are we doing he hugs me u comes a hour away for me and now he says I just wnana be firends !!?¿?????? *** IS HAPPENING TO MY LIFE .
Soooo I had to block both and truth be told I want mr Virgo back but i don't break him more and wen I loook at the Capricorn I want him to just pick a side if u gunna love me love me only but ....now .... U think I'm over them I'm just now gstting over it yet who got tears in there eyes ? Not me I just wish I was a better lover .... You know ....I .... Need help someoem to talk me .... Someone... Idk who to talk to but why did I have to block them like ....

Is he worth it I'm still trying to find out,
I was going to do alot metaphors and rhyme but no I think telling the truth is suitable for the accusations...
I mean the acaustion.
When you let me lead instead of promoting my past like sane of attention?

Like Addias ain't no strip bae
Zig zag in pipe bae
Pringles over night bae
Tell me what you want from meh...
Never in exalt
Always humble thinking hard today  
amends me on the right day
I'm weak and your a  Fri-day .
My kisses not might bae
Like do you want more sprite bae cause I gotta say the truth!
My past is not that cute!
And yet I think about you with you legs to the roof
And yet I think about you with ring to carry to
Too me I'm not flute
But keep singing I'll get it right bae

If I had it all....
I would bought you car with miles and all.
Would of been there so you wouldn't have to call
Yet I play to ball
It's like I was made to fall
Right into your arms then go walk in the mall
If I had it all ...
Would it be something to taste your lips again
Cause I have been him the one that keeps receipts then
Falling so far froma Godly hyme
Im singing alone again.
But if I had it all
Jesus would be calling me to make a call
Finding all my demons bleeding like a bite from jaws
But if I ...

What about healing
Feeling
Stars crack the ceiling
Im algin to the peeling
Head deeper then realness.
Have you ever been healing
Dealing
Over crowed my reasons
Never meant for you to be missing
Have you ever thought about ...
Have you ever thought
Have you ever
Have you
Have you
Have you
Have you ....

Im hurting I
miss ............
my ...........
sleeze.........
I hope you ball...(ball)
I hope you ball
in
Peace




I
Cant
         See
               You
                         Go
I see you in my dreams
                 Falling
         Away
From
Me

-     I
      -                       Cant

  -   See
    
            -     You

      -     Go    ------------
.........  I see you in my dreams
               Falling
Away
                           From









Me.

To beee or not to beee?
To see or not to see
Leave or stay for these
The sun has sweet and the stars are all staring at me
Love will never be cheap and yet....
I want to be free

Free belittling

I want the diamonds to sit on my wrist
If they do not care then why would they sit
Look in his eyes I'm not him
..

I don't need you to be what I'll be .

I just got off xAns not **** me
I just prayed to God when I'm thirsty
I don't need fake love tried to hurt me
Hold on ! Hold on
Yea I already know that flock together flip the bird please

Put it in my archive
Don't get no tissues
Stack it up until I see missles
Praising the Lord has never been simple
I just went back like a dummy
If love was a drug I feel funny
I can barely get by
I still believe in him

Good boy ! Get back to the ceil
Get back from the pills
Keep tunnel vision like your heart was thrilled.

Sleep to you is waking up
Sleep to me is death
Joy to me is seeing the day
Joy to you is well I don’t really know

Here lies the boy that knows everything but in reality…

He only knows where his feelings take him,
Wearing his heart boy his sleeve.
I’m such a tease
The only reason I write here is because no one is reading me like I’m reading me.

Not gunna think
Just gunna write
…right …or left
See how the government treat us
Kinda looks like man in the mirror..
Always saying you’re gunna do something about it but look how weak you are.
Have I gone to far
They don’t want God just  a charge
I need God and perfected spark
Light me
Help me
Save me
For they
Kept me
Broke me
***** me

And even now the sin that so easily besets me take it from me and I pray for America Lord.
Amen

Nathan._713 I’m not no longer 281 …

Note to future self  in February…

They say never trust a cheater but what if you cheated out of fear of what’s to come?
For I was boy handling a gun
Now a man who understand what love comes from.
Even though I think it’s stupid to be dumb but the numbness that has summon is suggesting lust is better than love.
….And so I forgive you my love.
When I think about you cheating I understand for we were just boys handling a gun…
But if I was shooting my shot
Forgiveness is as a trained assassin.

My emotions are thick like syrup on butter pancakes
And the sweat of my brow will be your simplicity.
The third eye opens under the ***** burning …
As the smoke and I have *** under the moon light
Moon light…
Moon…light
My worries are lighter then the moon on clouds

Thy humble cancer has healed from its on demise. Let the Gods speak on things that’s not and my beloved Capricorn will understand just how deep the water is!
No longer will the waves rush to be mad nor will my heart come to the surface…
If you find my heart then it is yours but!… this is your warning this is the sound that harkens the beast within the sea!
Be warned
I be set you the kraken of old
The spirit of my ancestors
You will see my face and hear the roar of a new empire
Crown who you want
My snake,  the Virgo that kraken of old!
This will not be easy

Dear diary,
I use to feel trap like a prisoner within these walls.
Now… I just see the real problem
It’s me!
I got trust issues And I’m way to possessive.
Maybe I just need sleep but the xo  won’t let him.
I smell smoke
There is something on fire
Or is it just me again slowly burning thoughts until the feelings expire.

…sometimes I wonder can we get much higher ?

Son,
God will strengthen you
Dad will hold you
Your sister will behold
What a son you will be one day
What a father I will become that day
Love has made you
And love will guide you
You’re not even created yet,
But oh just a thought of you
Is enough…

Im crazy and I know it
Funny how the world placed you on the mental side.
I guess you are my better half
Cause we’re both letting our worlds collide

I love the way you treat me
I love you the way you see me
Im so imperfect even my autocorrect seems to easily be wrong by talking
But you show me a better me
I guess opposites attract when I finally see it your way.

I usually take another but my pockets really quiet.
Ain’t nothing like those first pills that hold you threw the silence.
It’s okay your secret is safe with me
I mean what’s the worst you can be

Have you ever felt like the world you been living in was to small?
Like boredom was your friend
And nothing surprised you anymore..
Like your best friend died
And trying to make new friends just felt weird.
Or what if you felt like The bad guy
So you smile because the silence is better then the fake smiles that use to like you.
And WHATS WITH THAT GUY YOU WAS GUNNA MARRY ??
Whatever happen to that guy….
Oh well nobody will hear you cry when the clouds are raining.
Such good weather

Capricorn my love is like the sea
But for you I made it a river so you won’t be swept away.
Capricorn my heart is like the sun but just for you I tilt the world so you wouldn’t have to run..
And yet you do.
But what if I I didn’t limit the love I had
What if my  heart was just to big for you to recieve…?
You say be yourself but I don’t think you even know yourself

Life gave me lemons and I held them in the freezer,
Watching the ones that was so close to me point there fingers

….as they say “what happen to your lemons”?
Even my best friend left as I stop giving out free lemons…
I never told them the rest was in my denim
And now the clouds cry and I don’t even reason.
I’m somewhere thinking of myself cause even my partner the one I thought that would find them I have left…
When I even showed him where they was. Such hallow love for someone to know you but hate what you become.
But for me it was like the dirt turning into mud.
When you left crushed the lemons and sipped a cup.
If you would of stayed the first time maybe I would of gave a ****
But now I sip lemonade not because I want to but it’s the only thing I have…
As you point your fingers im so glad you were to dumb to see them in your face because now I drink them and hardly think of what you have done

I wake up in the morning and roam the clouds with a blink. Head to the bathroom just to watch my soul leak..
Cut on the shower just to hide behind the steam
Naked but clean
Transparent but seen
What I mean is
Have you ever watched the water flow down your skin?
I find it funny how the water into him and the memories turned into soap suds .

Burning the memories of when we were friends just to keep warm at night.

Waking up just to find ashes on my pillow is better then staying up all night

Because for years I would try to keep all my relationships burning with the intent to see us do right .

But when I seen the fire came from me always burning myself to give them light.

I found it was better to burn a memory then my life

I walk on the clouds by the puddles of the rain.
Getting the point of view I find my own fingers drenched rain drops that cover the world to sleep
As long as my cries are not the only ones that are heard
I don’t feel to alone

Being single is cool … until you hear the whispers in the wind
Being single is fun.. until the bar closes and the shots wear off
Just another boy under sheets drowning in the memories of thoughts
It was Nathan who lingered with Paul Mitchell hair shampoo
It was Chris who snuck me in his moms house after hours
It was Harrison who drove with the wind in his hair
It Nicholas my perfect little punching bag.
I wish the tears came to keep me company
But all I have is Oreos & milk sitting at a acute angle like a little ***
And what drags the most was nick…
The taste of toxic love and good tips
Making eggs with a flaccid *****
Tovivid but vividly finding myself sinking so quick
The **** that I was for the way he talked to me like I didn’t exist
And then holding me tight just show me I was his
I’m sorry if I sound broken cause I thought we were fixed
Astrology said a Taurus and cancer was it
And now as I dip my Oreo in this white milk
I bury my head under the covers
Remembering the brown skin boy who touch was like silk.

I am the one who blew the wind between your trees
Just to see if you would stay grounded.
Like a cheetah low to the ground waiting for his prey to get closer
I’m waiting for you to kneel and know that it’s over…
Your hugs were precious but me being possessive I want more
I smell blood and your smile is becoming my  aroma
But how do I feel so better in your chaos and the way you hate me….
Like a criminal waiting for his cell doors to close
Do I really wanna be saved by my own  meticulous act?
Do I …

Isn’t that something?
They know nothing..
When you wink at me dude….man that’s something
When you text me “come thru”. Yeaa I’m coming.

Sitting court side barley 18, got his little brother on A team.
Just walked in but he can’t speak, so he sent a text saying “babe!”.
It’s a lot of faces around you,  got a lot of  people around me.
I keep looking up at you
he keeps checking up on me.

Man that something?!
They know nothing…
Sent a text “I love yoooou” dame you love me.
Sent a text “ dame me tooooo” now he’s smiling.

Sitting court side on the next seat,
Watch his little brother playing A- Team
Got alot of people around you
I got a lot of friends around me.
After the game ..just  @ me
Baseball field come kiss me

I got something..
you came with nothing..
You keep holding me dude…man that’s something.
We got nothing to prove….man that’s something.

I walk with braces on teeth
Thrift store 80’s the mink..
Brand new Camero watching fleets
Made a way
Made a way.
I was sleeping on couches
steady drinking and doubted..  
I was lost but I found’em
Make a way
Make a way
My sister delivered the baby,
My lover text me “it’s crazy”
Use to tell me not ready but now he tell me he’s ready.
Made a way made a way…

I use to think my worth was all in vain,
Until I stopped crying and worked for everything I have
Now My pain is champagne.

I have lost the feeling
I have lost the focus
Everything I do for love gets Toss in the ocean
Why walk why keep running
When you don’t even see my steps in the sand
Why do I have to be open?
For another take to steal my time
Fir another to say I’m broken
When it’s clear that I have kept the walls from talking
The room from floodin
The door from strangers
And your jead from spinnin
I’m done
I have lost th thrill
All I want now is a cloth and a drill
I’ll make a safe haven
I’ll prepare the meals of a lost man even irs only fish and broccoli steamed in my kitchen
I know I’m good lover
I know what I can do
Abs if you can’t see that
Then I’m Jamie foxx auditioning for Ray Charles dude…

Okie okie oh okay
Counting all these bodies dame those things are starting to pile.
Judge me how judge me I didn’t mean to walk the mile.
love me how you love me Take all that to trail
Covered in the moment I forgot my smile at the house.
Hiding behind the shades for too long dame the sun is coming now.
Never felt this good sense I can’t recall
I’m okay you don’t have to come out now …

Slow steps turned to strides
And his eyes turned into piercing fire until they turned white.
I could see it every passing day
His hands wasn’t shaking no more
And his heart wasn’t on his sleeve
The shackles they used to pierce his worth was now his armor.
I heard from the crowd “How…did he do that.
As he jumped as high as he could and with a loud thump! To the ground!
He got up and bowed his head
And with a quick turn to the mirror he looked at me with a look I never seen before
He smiled.
I whispered with a tear in the corner of my eye I said
“Go…As high as you can”
The ground started to shake and the wind dance between his feet!
And that was the last time I saw him.
That was the last time I saw…me

I have made love to myself so much til my hands started cramping.
Entertaining a thought until I am covered in exaggeration.
Knowing it’s not gratifying
I reached for tinder but the place has guys that are behind the screen like roach in the tv
It’s just infested with broken hearts that are cracked differently but in the same notation.
Then it came to me like lightening threw the clouds million miles away
Do I love myself?
Have I took out the time to look at myself in the mirror and be comfortable in my own skin?
I haven’t done this in so long that it felt like I was cheating
I want to know what that smells like?
How do you wake up with a smile on your face ?
How do you workout with the theory of just being the best you?
I desire to be alone and don’t have to call on the stars or my mom to make me feel appreciated.
TODAY
I APPRECIATE AND I APOLOGIZE
I. WASNT ALWAYS THE ***** UP THAT I TAUGHT MYSELF TO BE
So forgive me for not giving you enough time self
Cause it shows during all the times I looked for happiness in people
I’m ready to do what I can and need to
I’m ready to experience a life where I just wake up and be totally fine by myself

Roses are red and clouds are blue,
I write a love letter to myself.
Remember when you worked so hard that you got your license?
You drive for hours knowing you would get in trouble
But look at us now… better than ever
Remember when you didn’t make it on varsity ?
Look at you now a whole city knows your name and you didn’t remember theres
You can’t give up cause I wouldn’t give up on anyone I love
Come back to me and work liek you never before
Trust me ig will come an you will find yourself waking next to me

I gave them my last
I gave them my cup
I gave him my virginity
And I gave her my trust
My dad toook my sanity and my mom drug my wants
Needing someone just to tell me I won’t leave
You left …
You left me
You lied
Your lied to me Nathan
My sky is falling and you said you wouldn’t
My own family hates me
And you said you told me to leave
And now that I left
Where are you
Where are you
Where
I’m …… tired
Of giving something that I don’t have
Laying on a couch that’s not mine
Drinking from a bottle that I didn’t buy
I’m tired
Of not having my own
I will change that
And it hurts cause now ….
I have to sit here and act like I don’t even see y’all
I’m done being the bad guy to your story
I’m ready to start my story
I should of been …. I’m just tired

I have dirt on my face and they say “God man pull yourself together”.
With a smile on my chin they say “Lord why does he have a attitude today.”
Replaying back times I would drive a distance just to sink in music like the tub was over flowing
If they only knew Good things I’ve done has turned into a lot of broken promises
So much I spread them all to make a new road for myself and soon they will say “Jesus why didn’t he give me key..? He dosent love me”
But they weren’t there when he had to pick up his life
They wasn’t there to set the blue print down tonight
I didn’t see non of them come back when the tears became my only friend
Who would of thought that I woudl be the bad guy in there imperial thought.
Abs I embrace it cause when he was beating you and she was telling me what to do and he said how I should ….
I watch them as they turn there nose to me and said with there hearts
“Dude your not good enough

They point the finger to the man who had it altogether
They kicked him when he was trying to get together
I use to reach for hands that woudl save me but it’s the stranger who critics my life that has best voice in my head.

When the band starts pack up
And the old ladies have made it the car
My friends text me “Where are you”
And my heart is silent sitting in the wind of my stomach…
And smear the make-up and I take the red nose off.
I text them like nothing ever happen
“I’m on my way”.
I lock the doors and drive next to the bk
Just to let the real play happen
My tears play the symphony
abs the music becomes the background
I shrink in the driver seat clutching my knees…
I’m not enough for you is written in cursive on my sleeve
Vivid old memories starts to bleed
I never meant for you to leave
I just wanted you to notice everything we did and now finding out the truth
I can’t even speak
I lost another from the intuitive voice that conquers the greed
I can do a million things for you but you can’t even acknowledge our anniversary
Who am I to you?
….nothing but wind that blow the trees

Today I’m feeling kinda low
Today I’m bottling my emotions
They’re not important right now
Today it’s all about moving forward
I’m not content
I’m not happy here
I’m not welcomed here
I need my own
I’m not resting until I see whaf I want
I’m not resting until I’m laying next to you
I made up my mind
I made up my road
These fake scenarios are not home no more
I’m evicting my own self
Im not going to rest until you are by me.

The taste of freedom is not to gulp,
Cause the work is never finished.
Maintaining is the cup an working is the substance.
Faith is the thing to hope for and evidence of things unseen.
Taking off your mask is vulnerable
But keeping it on will cloud the vision
My helmet was too tight
My knees were buckling
My chest piece was to heavy
And my shoes was mud.
Taking off the only things I knew was just not me
But every warrior knows that evolving without getting strong is risky
Late hours is nothing
Sleeping in is my toxic entity
Speaking about things and not doing it has been put far from me
Cause if I stay I won’t evolve into the better me

Is it over or has it just began
Are we moving or standing still
Not numb but not intense
Just us
That’s just it
Nothing but moment cause we both know how to burn down a city with just one kiss..
Let’s just cuddle and watch something that fits the description.
There you will find me and you just vibing to the sound of movie that were not even watching just to feel your skin on my skin…
And it’s just us
That’s just it
And I’m finding out
I love this ****

I don’t why I even try…
The rain is going to come even if I say no more
Abs the sun is going to rise to the occasion.
The birds are going to sing there song
And we are just going to lay beside us like lost dogs..
And yet I’m okay with a kiss on the lips
And yet I’m fine with rubs on my chest to tell me your day
And yet I’m in love with the way you get frustrated about politics
The way you look outside the window bothers me
And the way your lone wolf attitude eats me…
The crumbs I feed you is nothing but love
And my heart bleeding is the drink for you to stay quenched
And the times I get quiet and soak in my own silence…
Who would of known I’ll be caring with the coldest zodiac sign
But who would of thought you would need the warmest hugs cause of your own mind
I believe I’m becoming your remedy
Cause even when you wanna do it yourself
You ask me to open my heart so you can run from your own winters

Shots of ***** is clouding my vision
I made it to Mount belview with ciroc in my trunk.
Legally 18 he looks for attention with a cup of concoction that I just drew up.
His best friend is his cousin but we just dropped her off to get ******.
Laying on my Chest he sells me his soul as I play along holding him with the feeling of being loved.
I take out bag full of treats and tell him to take it as we walk naked on a street at 4 am.
He starts performing his ritual of kissing me south I start seeing devils walk with us ….my God you wish I was making this up

Shots of ***** is clouding my vision,
As I black out pulling up.
I don’t know how I drove so far but I was behind the wheel.
His house is big
And I have to *** like nobody was even up still.
They follow us home as the pills start to wear off
I was summond by him as my **** is erected and there is ***** on his tongue.
the devils crowd aroudn us as he smiles there as I’m losing my ******* mind telling him
As he looks at me and say
“Chill you’re just drunk abs making **** up”

So my grandma died
And I’m not even at home
I got kicked out by playing my right
My dad use to hit my mom so I fought him and put him inter hospital and now My mom says I went to far ….
Do she not remember 7 th grade when he was bouncing her hesd in the wall?
What about pushing her down the stairs?
Or that time of ripping her purse from her ?
What about the time he choked my sister?
Or slapped my other one.
But the fact that the worst thing he did was nothing at all
She kicked me out cause I went to far by putting him in the hospital cause he wanted to fight me.
I’m no longer seeing myself as the bad guy the bad guy is my mom she could of got a divorce like the several times bedded she told us as kids she was when we believed her…
I find it funny and peaceful that I’m staying on this couch rn at my friends that I got to leave in one piece instead of losing my mind

Drinking ciroc before work has become a tool,
The wrench of life is to know so much but act like a fool.
Until it’s time to play in there rules
Then show them the bottle of truth
So truth is
I love you but I’m no ones foot stool
I can pick u up but that hard shell Capricorn I’m no mule
So ******* don’t worry about the parties my democratic energy will give u medicine
Isn’t something that the lovers of this world gets looked upon as the bad guys when the credits end?

I’ve been up all night but I’m use to it
Drinking all night but I’m use to it
Cause I've been up all night but Im use to…
It’s what I’m use to…
Drowning out my mind for couple of hours
Memories on memories I know the power
Tears getting cut out the ******* picture even if you were my Mona Lisa.
The life that you want me in is so ******* dangerous
I just ****** the dad then made the son famous
Kisses on my cheek because his dad is vacant
No one would believe me if I said the truth.
Slept in the closet just to keep you happy
Tell me was it worth just to know your family