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Xander Holden Apr 2018
"You're good at math, too bad that means
everyone will hate you, for the rest of your life."

"You worked ahead, good for you
but don't talk about it, I don't need that stress."

"You have an A, and you're sitting there shaking?
I have a C, do you see anything wrong with me?"

"You, yeah you, you've done the homework, right?
I haven't yet, what's the answer to nine?"

"Hey nerd, hey loser, your answer was wrong.
I got a bad grade on the homework: it's all your fault."

"You're crying, that's nice, stop hyperventilating you faker
I'm standing up while you're there on the ground
right where you belong, I've found."

Stop.
Make it stop.
I SAID STOP!

Yeah me, the loser, the geek.
You push me down because you're jealous,
I think. I tried to help
I tried to be nice
But being around you is worse
than losing a fistfight.

Your words are cruel and filled with anger
towards me, someone who hasn't done a thing
against you. Conversely, I've helped.

Don't take any memories of me
when you end up in hell.
Oh - was that mean? I'm sorry
I couldn't tell.

My emotions are shadowed, you see
by the medication they decided to give me
for the anxiety, the panic,
that you ignored. It set me free
Xander Holden Apr 2018
Dream interpretation is far from a science
but when I read what they say, I buy in
for the accuracy presented to me
makes it hard to remember not to believe
the interesting things dreams seem to perceive.

Plane crash, water landing, somehow I survived.
Ten thousand feet into a nosedive
interpretation claims the crash signifies
unrealistic goals, unreachable highs.
That sounds about right.

Next is the medium of my almost demise
the water I jumped into as I fell from the sky.
Interpretation claims the water is for
deep regret and emotion I swore
I was over, but I don't know anymore

Last is the moment that brings me some peace,
the interpretation of surviving this mighty beast
suggesting that I can survive through the worst
and take on the world as it comes at me headfirst
redemption for my overzealous thirst.

and even in dreams, they are there
the people for whom I most care
There to hug and share my joy
There to make sure I don't destroy
myself with the dreams I employ
Xander Holden Apr 2018
I see a tree and it's a tree
not some metaphoric symbology
and that bird is just a bird
and that creak I heard
is not a ghost, it's just a loose board
some think that's boring
but this is how I view the world you see
strictly reality
Xander Holden Apr 2018
The color purple.
A football field.
A hand of a giant in mine.
The smell of stale beer.
Cigarette smoke.

that was the first time
so young and so blind
yet the memory is refined
behind closed eyes
the beginning of the recording
when I hit rewind
Xander Holden Apr 2018
counting days and numbers
has always been a thing of mine
a numerical reminder
that everything will be fine

a continuous count of days
'til I get to see you again
and another count proving
i've gone so long without a line of red

it may be all in my head
that this consistent counting saves me
but instead of waiting patiently
I count without ever ending
Xander Holden Apr 2018
What would you do's
and who would you save's
and all the hard questions
we make jokes of and play
                 But one day we may
                 have to take them seriously
                 so now I consider them wearily
Between my life and yours
I'd save you in a heartbeat
and hope that one day
we may once again meet
                 Though between you and the world
                 I'd much sooner die
                 than have to decide between
                 what is selfish and what's right.
Xander Holden Apr 2018
bite my tongue and bide my time
let them make their mistakes
as they let me make mine

talking again, 'that's good' I say
but in reality, I'm screaming inside
I just want to cry out

I can't see you die inside like before
at war with the one you once loved
please, no more

bite my tongue and close my eyes
and pray there will be no pieces
to pick up when their talking ceases
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