Why do I long for what ive never had? Why am I constantly recalling "memories" of which I have never been a part of?

How can these memories feel so real? I was never there, but I can feel like I was. I can smell the breeze, feel as though the blades of grass are gently brushing my palms, feel the light gracing my skin.

How can I insert my being into these obscure false memories of comfort? Even if these memories seem traumatizing, even if they seem confusing, I still yearn to be in them.

Why do I find comfort in the unsettling? Somehow my breath can feel so heavy, yet my mind rests easy. Something that can hurt so bad, can be so healing to me.

Empty space feels so welcoming. My bones are cold, yet I feel so warm.

The embrace of people who dont even exist. The embrace of people who arent even people. It rivals anything that anyone in this world has ever made me feel.

I'm constantly changing. I'm constantly trying to conform to what everyone wants from me. I feel like I only exist for others, that I only live for others. I'm told that im friends with everyone, yet I feel like a friend of everyone is a friend of no one.

Its tiring work to change for every new face. To be what they like, to be what they want. I just want them to smile. I want to make people smile, because of me. I want them to feel like they have a friend in me, even if I don't have a friend in myself.

I change how I act and I change how I look. I change my hobbies, my interests, my life story, everything. Everything to make someone happy.

I want everyone to like me, regardless of if I like myself

why do I always need to be told what to do? I've been asked this more times than I can possibly count. I always respond with a shrug, stating that I'm simply just indecisive.

I mean, what else could possibly be the cause?

it couldn't possibly be from the nights when my face was flushed red and my eyes were pouring. The nights where the skin on my face burned and stung from the salt, where my face was frozen in an expression of fear and...disgust?

was I disgusted by them?
no, silly.
I was disgusted by myself.

I was shaking, from what I have no clue, and I shouldn't assume the cause.  

But how could someone whose touch was once warm and comforting, now feel so mind-numbingly cold? how could this place which used to be a safe space, now have me in constant fear?

How could a promise made to me at birth, be shattered so easily? I was told I lost their trust. I was told I wasn't good enough. I was told that they wished I had never come into their lives. And I listened. Because they're right. I'm not good enough. I never will be.

The nights where I would sit with my back to the wall, screaming silently at myself. I would curse myself, for how I was always letting people down How I could never shut up and listen, and that was the reason I was always wrong.

Countless nights spent wishing that I wasn't myself.

But- of course, this couldn't be the cause. after all, he told me to stop assuming.

what is emotion?
I feel as though I should know. I feel like out of everyone, I should know...right?
If I don't know what emotion is, then what are these things constantly filling my brain, choking my conscience, intoxicating my mind with these wretched feelings? Yet when I am  asked "how I feel", I can never answer. I dont know how I feel. I don't know if I want to know.
A small part of me wants to remain oblivious. A small part of me wants to ignore everything that my mind is clouded with. I wish I knew, but I wish I didn't.
I shouldn't feel this confused, I shouldn't wonder if my smiles are real, or if my tears are true. I shouldn't get upset when someone asks if I need help. I shouldn't be jealous of something I never had.
Maybe my expectations are too high. But- then why do I feel like im asking the bare minimum?
I don't want to bother people, but at the same time, I want them to be bothered by me. I want them to be concerned. I want them to be there for me, yet I wish they would just leave me already.

All you do is make everything worse
Before you, I was much happier
Could you be any dumber
Disappear already
Even your family hated you
Failing is the only thing you do
Go ahead and think you are wanted
Hating you is just common sense to me
I wish that you were never even born
Just another deplorable accident
Killing yourself would be best                                  
Love isn't given to everyone
Maybe it's mere genetics
Nobody loves you
Obnoxious personality
People feel pity for you
Quit acting so immature
Running won't fix anything
So sad that you trust everyone
Thinking that you'll ever be happy
Under-achieving is your talent
Vile excuse for a person
Why are you so ugly
Xenodochial idiot
You're the worst
Zero purpose

Dreams are your mind's way of giving you advice.
It's your choice whether or not to take it.

A stone bench with glass bead mosaics portrays the image of a perfect spring afternoon. Sun is shining down, but not with blaring heat.

Birds chirping, butterflies soaring through the air, and sounds of distant laughter.

Remenants of the morning dew sparkle like diamonds.
A small brown book with yellowed pages and a tattered leather cover.
Words stamped into the cover have sadly become illegible.

A smooth blissful voice reads tales from the old book.
Every Saturday, at 2:00 pm, I would sit on that stone bench.
No matter the weather, her stories, her smile, her voice, her love, would always warm my heart.

I still sit down on that bench at 2:00 every Saturday, just waiting to feel that warmth again.

Addison decided to take the long way home, through the forest. She ran into Xia punching a tree in anger. She saw Addison. She turned to her. “Stay away from me you ******!”, Xia said as she stepped back. “Oh, do I scare you?”, Addison said in a smug voice. “You don’t scare me!”, Xia said, straightening her posture. “Oh ok.”, Addison said in a sarcastic tone. “I bet I'm way more powerful than you! My magic element is one of the strongest ones there is.”, Xia said proudly. “And what is that, the element of insecurities?”, Addison said. “That's it, newbie! I challenge you to a battle! No wands. Just our own magic.”, Xia shouted. “Why would I waste my energy on you?”, Addison replied. “Oh, looks like somebody’s scared”, Xia snarked. “Fine. Only to shut you up.”, Addison said.

They walked to the restored training course. Addison dropped her wand and Xia did too. Xia shot a fireball towards Addison. Addison dodged it with ease. “Fainfol Istium!”, she said. “What’s that suppo-”, Xia started before she fell to the ground. “Somebody needs a nap.”, Addison said. She put her bag on her shoulder and started walking home.

When she opened the door, Gemma squeezed her. “How was your day? Was it ok? Did you make friends? What did you do? Did you learn anything new? Did you get in trouble?”, Gemma said quickly. “C-cant...b-breathe”, Addison said between gasps for air.  “Oh. Sorry, sorry”, Gemma apologized. Addison coughed then took a deep breath. “My day was actually not that bad. But I'm going to my room to take an eternal nap.”, Addison said as she wobbled up the stairs.

Do you have no shame?
Not even a little common sense.

Cover yourself up. Show some decency.
Must you have such insolence?

Truly disgraceful behavior.

Everyone can see right through your clothes.
And right through you.

When they sat in her office, Tallora turned to Addison. “Miss Zodine. This is not the type of behavior we tolerate here at Trinity Academy. I order you to bring back Xia this instant!”, Tallora said. Addison sighed and recited the spell. “Amere Invictis Elovar”. Xia re-appeared in the office, with leaves in her reddish-brown hair. “Are you alright?”, Principal Tallora asked her. “No! This freak put me in a tree in the schoolyard!”, Xia said, furious. “Oh, I'm sorry...I meant to send you to a tree in the forbidden forest. Looks like my magic calibration is a bit off today.”, Addison remarked. “That is enough! You two young ladies are to apologize to Xia and then report to detention after school!”, Principal Tallora ordered. Leah was too afraid to defend herself, so she just put her head down in defeat. “Wait! Don’t punish her! I was the one who hexed Xia. Leah didn’t do anything.”, Addison said. “And why should I listen to you?”, Tallora asked. “I’ll go in for detention tomorrow and today.”, Addison said. “And, you’ll help with repairs to the training course.”, Tallora said. “Ok. Deal.”, Addison agreed.

When they walked out of her office, Xia rushed in the other direction. “Guess she won’t be bothering you for while”, Addison chuckled. “You know, You didn’t have to do that for me.”, Leah said in a quiet voice. “I didn’t have to. I wanted to.”, Addison replied. “But now you have to help repair the training course. There’s a lot of repairs to do.”, Leah said, concerned. “Oh, I'm not worried about that. I have to get to class. See ya later!”, Addison said as she walked to class.

After school, Addison was told to report to the training course. She walked onto
grass and heard a crunch. She looked down to see patches of singed grass and the trees were burnt. One of the janitors walked up to her. His face was covered in ash. “Animal keeping had a mishap with one of the dragons. Cut any burnt plants'', he said as he handed her hedge clippers. “They’re all burnt”, Addison said. “Wow, we have ourselves a genius here.”, he said sarcastically. Addison looked at all the work she had to do. She set down the hedge clippers. She pulled out her wand and said, “Revivaline Restoris”. The ash blew off the plants and the grass turned a bright green. The tree’s branches grew lush green foliage. The janitors just stood there in shock. Addison dusted herself off. “Are we done here? Ok, bye then.”, she said as she walked away.

Ok so alot of people(272 to be exact) Liked the one poem I barely put effort into. So maybe I should not try so hard to write a good poem.

I was on cloud 9.
No, I was on cloud 12.
Living the good life, being me.

Then you came along. I gave you my friendship, my trust, my loyalty. I offered you wings.
Everything was fine. Completely ok. Nothing wrong here.
So I let my guard down. Closed my eyes.

When I woke up, I seemed to be soaring.
Or was I falling. I looked up to you on my cloud. You smiled and waved goodbye.

But you forgot something.
I have wings. Wings that will carry me high. Wings that are always there when I need them. I know I can rely on them. Forever.

Now you're falling too. Trying to catch me.
Should've taken the wings I offered you.

Addison walked up to the golden gates of Trinity Academy. She turned to the plaque on the marble pillars. There was a carving of the grand 3 witches. The witch of nature was named Laika. She ruled over the 4 elements: Earth, Water, Air, and Fire. The witch of unity was named Alitza. She ruled over all humans and animals. Although, she never “ruled” over them. She was kind and caring and loved all. Then, there was the witch of shadows, Nyx. She ruled over all dark and evil creatures with an iron claw. She was responsible for the 5 runestones losing most of their power. She's the reason most people stopped using magic and turned to technology. She was jealous of her sisters, the other great witches. She wanted to rule Valdera and the rest of the planet along with it. She craved power. So she broke into the Cosmic Hall and tried to break the connection between the runestones in order to harness their power. In doing so, the runestone of darkness was created. It is the source of all shadows. The two witches were horrified to find their sister attempting to drain the magic from the 5 runestones. They had to put a stop to her. In order to make sure she could no longer harm anyone, they banished her to a far-away dimension, Xeyra.

Addison’s train of thought was disrupted when she heard the first bell. “Oh no!”, she thought. She started to run to class. Then she realized. “Oh, right. I forgot that I can teleport.”, she chuckled to herself. “Spiritus Dei Omniso!”, she said and teleported into her chair. “Hope nobody saw that”, she thought.

After the boring class that seemed to last for eternity, Addison started to head to her locker. She saw a girl with dark orange hair getting picked on. She walked over and touched the ******* the shoulder. “What’s your problem? Why are you projecting your insecurities on this innocent girl?”, Addison asked. “Get lost, Newbie. Unless you wanna be my next victim.”, the bully remarked. “Me? A victim of YOU? Yeah, I don’t think so.”, Addison said. The girl raised her fist towards Addison. “Dimere Invictus Elovar.”, Addison said, unphased. The bully froze in place, then vanished. “You ok?” Addison said to the victim. “Y-yea, I'm alright. Thank you. My name is Leah.”, the timid girl said. “No problem. I'm Addison.”, Addy said. Their fateful encounter was interrupted by principal Tallora. “Miss Addison and Leah! My office! NOW!”, the principal snapped.

As she was looking through photos, somebody sat next to her. “Hi! My name is Daisy Willows. I'm new to Trinity Academy! What’s your name?”, she asked in an optimistic voice. “Dimere Invictus Elovar'', Addison muttered to herself. She vanishes, leaving Daisy shocked. “Um...hello? You there? Well, it was nice to meet you Dimere'', Daisy looked at the ground. “She thinks my name is Dimere. Should I tell her? Fine”, Addison thought. She re-appeared and turned to Daisy. “Actually, my name is Addison.” Daisy let out a little gasp. “Woah! How did you do that, Addison?”, Daisy said in awe. “It was just a basic invisibility spell. My aunt taught it to me when I was 8”, Addison replied.  “Wow! You were able to do cool spells like that when you were only 8?!”, Daisy said. “I could barely make a seed sprout when I was 8”.
“Making a seed sprout? Let me guess, you’re in the plant magic track?”, Addison asked.
“Actually, I'm in the plant magic track AND animal keeping”, Daisy said proudly. “What track are you in?”, she asked. “I-um...I’m actually not in one yet.”, Addison said nervously. “How? Didn’t you go to orientation?”, Daisy asked, puzzled. “Well, the thing is…I don't have a primary magic element.”, Addison replied. “Huh? How do you-.”, Daisy started but was interrupted by the arrival of the bus.  

Addison got onto the bus. “Aren’t you going to get on?”, she asked Daisy.  “No, I take my bike. It's better for the planet.”, Daisy said, getting on her bike. “Are you sure yo-”. Addison was cut off by the goblin driving the bus. “Hate to interrupt this RIVETING conversation, but can you just SIT DOWN!”, he grumbled sarcastically. “Okay, okay. Jeez. No need to pop a wart over it.”, Addison said to herself as she sat in the back of the bus. The bus creaked forward, then stopped. “C’mon you hunk of junk!”, the goblin growled as he hit the dashboard. The bus engine rumbled then roared. The bus took off into the sky, wobbling around as if it was walking on a tightrope.

Addison looked out the window to the town. She almost jumped out of her seat when she heard a woman scream for help. She stuck her head out the window and looked below. A man had grabbed her purse and was trying to push her away into the road. Without thinking, Addison said “Spiritus Dei Omniso!” and teleported right in front of the man. “If you know what’s good for you, you would run.”,  she said to the man. “Oh yeah? And what are you gonna do if I don't?”, he snickered. “Ok. You asked for it.”, Addison replied. “Fainfol Istium”, she said. “How is that gibberish going to scare me?”, he said. Addison touched his shoulder and he fell to the ground. “Oh I'm sorry, did you want a pillow?”, She said in a smug voice. She handed the purse to the woman. “Is he...” she stuttered. “Oh no, he's only sleeping. By the time he wakes up, he’ll be greeted by his new cell-mate.”, Addison said. She waved goodbye as she said “Omniso Dei Spriritis!”, and teleported back into her seat. “Well, that was fun.”, she thought.

A loud siren noise blared through the room. “Ughhh! 5 more minutes!!!”, Addison grunted. “Ria, can you get that?”, Addison said. Soteria was lying at the foot of her bed in the form of a black cat. She just turned away and licked her paw. “Fine.”, Addison said. She sat up and her palm landed on the snooze button. She rolled off the bed and accidentally hit her head on the nightstand. She winced in pain, rubbing her head. Addison heard footsteps coming up the stairs. “Addyyy! Breakfast time!!”, someone said in a sing-songy voice. Addy looked at Ria. “Where is HER snooze button! It's 6 am! It should be forbidden to wake up this early”, she thought. “Coming Aunt Gemma!”, she shouted. She quickly got dressed and rushed downstairs.

Gemmaline turned to Addy as she walked downstairs. “I made your favorite! Enchantaberry Waffles!”, she said.  “What’s the occasion?”, Addy said, as she put a waffle in her mouth.
“Your first day of high school silly!”, Gemma said in a joyful voice. Addy slumped into a chair. “Was that today?”, she said in a muffled voice. “C,mon Addy. I know you are scared but-”, Gemma said, but was interrupted. “No, I'm not scared. I’m just... not a people person, ya know?”. “Not a people person, huh? What happened to the Addy that used to run around with other kids at the playground pretending to cast spells?”, Gemma said in a smug voice. “Oh, she’s still there. Just deep, deep, deep, deep, DEEEEPPP down.”, Addy replied. “Just- promise me you’ll at least TRY to have a good day”, Gemma said. “Ok, fine. I'll try.”, Addy said. “Thank you.”, Gemma said, as she kissed Addison on the head. Addison smoothed her hair out and walked towards the door. She slumped her bag onto her shoulder and unlocked the door. “Bye Aunt Gemma”. Gemma blew a kiss as Addy walked out the door.

Addison took a deep breath and headed towards the bus stop. She sat on the bench and looked down both ways of the cobblestone road. She pulled out her magic scroll. She started swiping through old pictures of her as a kid. One picture caught her attention. It was a picture of her holding her first wand. It was a basic starter wand, with a safety strap. “Was I really that danger-prone?”, she thought. The next photo was one of her dangling in the air, hanging from her wand. “Nevermind”, she thought.

Rain pouring. Clouds looming over the horizon. Leaves rustled under her feet as she ran through Dark Forest. A dark and mysterious creature weaved effortlessly through the trees. It was as if she could feel it breathing down her neck. Panting, carrying something in her arms. Her amulet flashed, seeming to be in rhythm with the lightning. Just then, shock traveled through her body.

She fell to the ground, her amulet flung off, along with the bundle in her arms. The bundle rolled behind a log, the amulet next to it. The creature lunged towards the amulet, only to be launched back by some sort of barrier. The creature pounded on the barrier, to no avail. The castor of this magical shield was an Enchantress named Indala. She was trying her best to hold the barrier, but her energy was close to depletion.

The barrier fell and the creature tried to grab the amulet. “Famalios Artcurus!”, Indala shouted. A flash of deep purple flew out of the amulet. “Soteria! Take Addison to Valdera and bring her to Gemmaline!”, she shouted. Soteria morphed into a Gryffin and picked up Addison and the amulet. Soteria flew up into the sky. She looked back at her master. “Go! I shall handle this”, Indala shouted as she opened a portal in the sky. Soteria flew into the portal, and it warped shut.

Red: It's definitely Cyan
Yellow: Yea, I agree
Pink: I-i think it's Red
Black:Shut it Pink
Pink: Oh, s-sorry...
White: So it's settled. We're voting Cyan
Cyan:floats into oblivion
Cyan was not the imposter
Yellow: Oh-whoops.
Pink: cries in Spanish
White: Yellow what did you do?!
Yellow: ME?! Blame pink!! She should've tried harder to stop us!!
Pink: W-well, Black told me to be quiet...
Black: No I didn't.
Yellow: Yes you did black-_-
Black: No, I told her to shut up. Not be quiet.
Yellow: That's the same thing!!
Black: No it's not. There's a big difference.
Them:inaudible arguing
Red: Sits in chair and sharpens ****** knife
Them:Still not paying attention
Ghost of Cyan: looks at tail WHERE ARE MY FEET?!?!

Prisoners. Forced to work or die. Children practically stolen from their cradles by the crooked system. Placed to work before they even knew what work was. Children deprived of their childhood so that the rich could have a childhood. They weaved the carpets the privileged walked upon. They sewed the silk curtains the wealthy used to shroud themselves in the darkness of their inhibitions.

Through all this suffering, the true injustice was the minuscule pay they received. Hours of work for a single penny. Having to endure the pain that society has placed upon them like shackles from which they can never be freed. Mansions built on the tears and broken bones of suffering children.

While they sat in their dining halls sipping wine and chatting with each other, children were struggling to get a single drop of water. Children working like it's all they know how to do because it is. Their employers didn't care if they got hurt. They just threw a band-aid on the wound, no matter how severe, then tossed them aside like a forgotten teddy bear.

But why should they care? The press wouldn't bother bringing the error of their ways into the spotlight of the world. Their handkerchiefs laced with children's tears, their pockets lined with shattered dreams, their mouths full of misled truths, and their hearts filled with greed. As some slept on piles of silk sheets and feathered pillows, others slept on the floor, if they were lucky enough to sleep.  Children trying to sew the fabric of their lives together while corporations tore the threads apart.

Little ones turned to slaves.
Rich turned to monsters.
Justice turned to stone.

You were a gift to me. You brought joy to my life. As I held you in my arms, I knew I would never let anything happen to you.  

I stayed by your side through thick and thin. Helped you work out your issues and let out your frustration. We would hand ornaments on the tree and bake cookies together. We spent our childhood together.

Until that one day, when we were ripped apart. The result of some petty argument. I felt powerless. We had no say in anything. I would give up everything just to be with you again.

To this day, I resent Christmas, because it brings back too many memories. I lay under the tree, and things just aren't the same without you.

That dark, ominous feeling. The feeling of your inner monsters taking over. That empty taste in your mouth. Your eyes bleak, but your thoughts are spinning faster by the minute. The windows to your soul are broken and cracked.

You live in a world of comparison. Longing for perfection, you force your body to take a shape it doesn't want.
You text a ":)" to everyone,  just to cover up the fact that you can't do this alone.  Throwing the phrase "I'm okay" around like confetti, while your inner voice is screaming "I'm broken".

Death, an inevitable factor of life. You never stop to appreciate the days you spend together. Until that one moment. Time freezes, and reality seems as if it's an illusion. A shattered heart does no good. Tears won't bring them back. You never truly acknowledge their presence until they're gone.

Stop to cherish every moment and be there for each other.  Remember, no moment is permanent. The sadness will pass like clouds on a rainy day. The sun will shine through, and joy will return to your heart. Just have patience.

Hiding behind a mask. A shadow to others, unnoticed by all. Some say that beauty lies beneath. Not in today's world. Judgmental eyes follow you like heat-seeking missiles. Their glare can burn you from the inside. As what seems like a million beady eyes staring, you are bound to make a mistake. As you wander aimlessly, hoping for this day to end, the world seems to turn slower, and slower. You feel as if time is against you, that it finds joy in your sorrow. One slip and you are called clumsy. One tear and you are called a crybaby. One wrong answer and you are called stupid. One word and you can be forever laughed at. So if you hold your tongue, remain quiet, never show emotion, and hide in the shadows, you can protect yourself.

Alone with my thoughts. Unable to move or thrive outside of the walls that confine me. As my mind slowly decays, I look to the past. I think of what once was and what our world has come to. As some members of society try to survive, others are living the life of luxury, keeping to themselves, enjoying their life while others are dying. They will never understand what it is like, to be the one on the outside, looking in.