Alexis K

Alexis K Oct 2023

Tired

My heart is beating in my chest.
In my head.
In my fingertips.
My tummy is cramping and the pillow is making noise.

I can't get the pillow to keep quiet,
I can't keep my head from pounding with the thumping of my heart.
The porch light sears it's way through the blinds and blackout curtains.
Snores surround me from my partners.

But I can't get the pillow to keep quiet.
I push my head harder into the bed.
But the throbbing of my heart travels to my toes.
Why is my heart so loud?
Why is the light so bright?
Why won't the pillow keep quiet?
I'm tired.

Alexis K Oct 2023

Sick

Have you ever wanted to *****,
Just so the discomfort wasn't entirely in your head?
Would it feel more real then?

Alexis K Oct 2023

Untitled

I wonder if I'm loved enough for my partners to even know this account matters.

Alexis K Oct 2023

Love Me

I wish I believed.
That it was easy to love me.

Because it's easy to love you.
Hurt and all.
But it seems like so much more work to love me.

I'm sorry I'm not easier to love.

Alexis K Oct 2023

Rest of My Life

When everyday feels like this.
I cant imagine living the rest of my life.
Fighting this hard just to survive.

If this is the rest of my life.

I wish I didn't exist.

I wish I could be erased from the hearts of those who love me.
That I could never have to deal with trauma that is my mind.
That the people I so dearly love wouldn't be affect by my lack of time.

The gravity of this feeling in my body,
Outweighs the guilt I feel for thinking it.
The desire to just be nothing, courses through my bones.

If this is the rest of my life.
I have three reasons to stay.
Three people who love me, and wouldn't have their life any other way.
But if this is the rest of my life.

I will always struggle.
I will always be fighting, every day.
I will always be exhausted.
By the time I wake up in the morning.

If this is the rest of my life.
I will always wish the younger me was strong enough to act.
I'll wish I made the decision before I had my three reasons,
For the rest of my life.

Alexis K Oct 2023

"Life's Not Fair!"

They said.
But they didn't have to fight themselves to get out of bed.
They didn't have to consciously chew and swallow their food.
They didn't spend the night awake wishing God to put them to sleep.

Life has never been fair.
They said.
I believed that this is what you meant.
And then found out that my mind was not like the rest.
That I would have to physically fight my body to get help.
I would fight my brain for the rest of my life.

"Life's not fair, get over it."
They'll say.
And then they'll have no problem waking up the next day.

Alexis K Sep 2023

"Im fine"

When my need to be held
Meets my crippling fear of being taken cared for