The guilt I didn't know; was apparent.
Letting it be seen.
When I travel to the other plane of my existence;
it was a hellish nightmare.
(Don't let my memory fail me)
"Do I not wash in SIN,
though how small it be."
It makes a dread filled notion,
when I sleep.
If insomnia were not the curse, what is?
What is it,
that I so desperately need...
to put my broken mentality at ease.

I have adapted another persona to escape the real world...
when all around me shadows cover every tree,
and spotting the crescent moon, I don't feel bored
if thoughts for a poem pop up, then it's time to write away!



Have I become a moonshiner living through dark?
Is this strange person me? Up to now, I'm still a bit jittery having
to step outside and inhale a breath of fresh air.....
I may hear wild wolves howling, owls cooing and see bats flying
from the low shrubs of the deserted park,
and being too scared I would retrieve to my lair!


Family and acquaintances have noticed the changes in me,
I seem too distracted and paying no attention to them is silly;
all I think of is of words spoken by people as they walk too fast...
and watching their gestures, they show faces serene or mad!


How long can I act out the character I have created for myself?
Am I an actor or a real person living with a sense of reality?
Is this strange person me... missing out on life and not laugh?
Condemn literature for my insanity? But would I live without fantasy?

Flashbacks run through my mind
My hands find their way to my hair
They grab, pull, scratch
"STOP IT!" I try to scream
The flashbacks keep coming
The razor
The blood
The madness...
"You deserve it"
I know
"I have to remind you, that you are a mess"
I know, I'm sorry
"Smile, do not let them see you broken"
I smile, I know you are right Ana
You control my life
Not only you control what I eat, but what I do, what I feel
"You are worthless"
I feel worthless
"Purge those calories you eat, you do not need more food in that fat body"
I purge, loving and hating the sensation
I try to sleep, but the flashbacks would not let me
Leave me alone!
Please...
"No, you deserve all of this"
I HATE YOU, GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
"Never you need me, you want me, you love me"
I do, I know
I go to bed and prepare myself for my same routine for tomorrow

My insomnia is getting to me,
seeing things that should only exist;
in my dream relm.

I wonder,
can the people around me see them too?
...No, or they'd be screaming too.

a kiss from a barrel or a hug from a rope?, it doesn't matter, I've lost all hope. the sorrows inside me have taken over, you've borrowed my heart and ****** it over, but its my own fault for loving such a person, to care about such a person, to believe in such a person. but I wont let it happen again, there's nothing left to gain, its time to end you sadistic game. so... a kiss from a barrel or a hug from a rope?

I'll pull out your hairs
one by one
Then I'll go for your tongue
And its all too fun
Cause now you'll realize
I'm omitting you
from this earth
As I bury you
in 6ft of dirt.

I guess I will do something like homework.
Purposeful, delivered with instructions – to be completed.

But I cannot forget those shadows on the building nearby.
The way the sky does not know whether or not to be blue
or cloudy.
So it rests on the roofs in order to
contemplate its decision.
I remind him to breathe – as well as I.

There, that helps.

Now we can follow the linear direction of the telephone wires.
Train tracks in the expanse. They allow for geometrical
and purposeful
sense to be made of it all.

****. They led me right to the clock!
How could they?
The time I did not need.
Why did my eye follow that line so faithfully?

Now those minutes that I lost and forgot all line up outside my door.
Waiting to be counted and named. But I cannot go to the door and let them in.
There just isn't enough room in this small apartment!

So I sit in my chair, perfectly consumed by book.
Yet I do hear them shuffling and muttering and shifting outside
making room in the hall as newcomers arrive.

Every once in a while, a particularly insistent one will ring that buzzer.
A delusion that his interval remains
very pressing and must not be missed.

Soon enough
I think
I will post a check-in list up on the door
maybe they can schedule appointments.
Then they will see just how busy I am.
Unfortunately I cannot now
I can only wait for the evening when they give up for the day and clear out.

Because, if I opened that door even a crack to slide the paper through, one or two would manage to slip by. I might even be risking the lot of them piling up on the door until I just couldn't hold it up any more and they would all clamber and fall in, one on top of the other (none are very considerate or patient) and I just wouldn't be able to stop them! Can you imagine the mess they'd make in here?

I did just sweep the floors.

Shouting is not a way to ease your pain
You'll drain strength out of your body in vain
And what would you gain when you go insane?

No one said you shouldn't air your view, or plight
But you needn't shout before it comes to light
I know it hurts, but try to tame it right

There's always a great gift for self-control
That is a truth we hardly want to know
But as you can see, we shall always be told

I hope you don't mind, please give me a smile
Just forget the wrongs, calm down for a while
You are so dear to keep a heart of bile

I once learned
That the opposite
Of love isn't hate
But indifference.
I always thought that
They got it wrong...
Until I looked into
Your eyes one day
And saw nothing

I paint the roses
a horrid red
because the night
is also dead
gone to black
instead of red
the thorn has pierced
my broken skin
the blood is thick
but commits a sin
the paint has dried
the night has lied
the paint is wrong
...the rose is gone

don't tell me
what to do
you don't know me
the lives I've torn apart...
don't act nice to me
you don't know
what I'm capable of...
so don't get so close to me
i'm hostile toward you
cause i will bite.

Don't be afraid
You're an adorable little thing
I promise I don't bite
So come a little closer
I want to see your face
...please come with me

I'm weak
because I let her take me
again and again
It makes me lie
she's turned me into a sinner
As I lie awake
at night
waiting for her
to once again
take me
no longer
needing
to say
the words
I Love You
because
only ones
who love
each other
can do what she does to me...

My heart is ash and my soul in ruins
This curse is to be forever my burden
Lost in the blackness of the despair
Torment that has consumed my very soul

Twisted in unreal contorted formations
Unheard from the world yet existing here
Blood crazed and temperamentally insane
Mindlessly working like a wind-up toy

Itched raw to the bone being expressionless
Feelings of a burning sensation filling up
Beginning to craze the pain caused by it
(Ghost9er)

I call her the devil
Cause she makes me wanna sin
And every time she knocks
I can't help but let her in.

They no longer get
that I don't care
about anyone
or anything
it's only fair
that I'm this way
ignoring questions
while they wonder how
someone so bright
can completely shut down

The red queen found darkness in my heart.

I caught the madness from the hatter.

I'm as deadly as the Jabi woki.

And I'm just as stubborn as Alice.

I am stuck.
Not by choice
but rather simply by consequence.


I am
too young and too old
too shy and too bold
too anxious and too calm
too busy and too bored


I'm not sure how I got here.
I'm not sure if I am here
or if I'm in-between one place
and the other
stuck in limbo.


The space between
this one metaphysical place
and the other
laughs at me.


It knows
I can’t be
bothered
to move,
because I don’t
know how.


So I am stuck
between one and the
other
but still
nowhere near
the happy medium.

Dragging the body’s down
Setting the pile a blaze
Such a thrill to us always
Smiling at the burnt corpses
Destroying all evidence

Sinful they say it was
But, we all find it joyful
A sense of happiness
Smiling as our deed is done

Once captured, we’re pained
Tortured constantly but,
They always call it therapy
If only the people had known
These fiends are the insane

What we did was unjust
We know and understand
But, they have no idea

Them torturing us is promoted
We’ve all paid our due’s

It’s not enough for them
Blood is payment to god

And so, this is why we suffer
Because, we are being tested
Of far more than our faith
(Ghost9er)

Hi mom,
I exist.
Despite what you think;
your little girl that lived in your tummy,
walks this earth!
Wandering with a scense of ABANDONMENT-----
Asking herself
(Where's mom?)
and
(Why doesn't she care?)
Then I get angry,
screaming till my lungs give way.
(!!!AM I NOT THE DAUGHTER YOU WANTED!!!)
Am I even a memory or a fading shadow,
left in the depths of your lost N' sorry mind.
So don't expect me to mourn your death.
'Cause all thats left in my heart for you is HATE and WRATH.

I wish
That all your dreams
Could come true...
But keep in mind
That nightmares
Are dreams too...

I'm struggling
to keep my eyes open
making this world
not feel real
losing my grip
on reality
questioning
why I wake up
every day
yearning for eternal slumber
... then I open my eyes
wondering if this is all
just a dream.

The bedroom door locks tight
I take off my smile
And put it in a box
Slip my courage down
And stand stripped and bare


Empty eyes looking back
Wine without taste, the
Lamplight too dim to feel
I have shut the door


No need to be for awhile
Till morning comes once more
And I put my smile back on

You hear scratching at the door,
open it to meet curiosity's eye.
Now you're not alone,
but you never really were.

I am not alone, not alone
Each time i feel alone
I feel someones presence
Slowly she comes in peace
She comes but to guild
My actions
And gives me some good thoughts

When I am confused
She comes with time
With something to show
She turns my confusion
Into determination

When i go astray
She comes to my mind to stay
She holds me back
And i'll never go back.Not alone i am

What do you do when your mother is crazy,
Hysterical, selfish, abusive, and cruel?
What do you do when really you hate her,
And it's all you can do to be distantly cool?
What do you do when you find her repulsive,
And the best of your memories are tinted with pain?
And now she is old, and needs to be near you,
And you cannot stand to be near her again?

How do you tell her the truth when the truth
Keeps accruing like some insurmountable debt?
When the horror that haunts you goes back to a moment
You cannot remember and cannot forget?

What do you do with your love when your love
Has been buried so long that you can't find its grave?
When love for a parent lies outside a window
Through which you imagine how people behave?

What do you do when whatever you do
Must cost more than the option you failed to choose?
For whether you turn to embrace or forsake her,
You're left with a burden you cannot refuse.

A dogs day is over due
the dogs day is not so true
running around, all so new
falling down, all to blue
searching in the calming breeze
terrified so horribly.

I can’t tell you why,

Is it when I cry?

To follow in the hate,

When they discriminate,

To the shadows I wonder,

To the crash of thunder,

I hide in fear of what they think,

It’s wrong,

The love,

The hate,

The endless debates,

Over the smallest things,

I can’t quite compare,

To the upper class,

They laugh,

I hide,

They smile,

I cry,

They punch,

They sneer,

To all that is worthless,

And I’m here to take it all,

The hits,

The bruises the leave,

The scrapes they create,

Never can compare,

To the fear the leave,

Unaware inside of me.

I'm having trouble again
wanting to sleep all day
stretching and yawning
making little animal noises
it's getting more difficult
to keep my eyes open
and my head up
i just want to grab the nearest person
hold on to them, cuddling...
                                                  And fall asleep.

I'm cold in class
so I ask
to borrow a jacket
of Taylor's it is
& it warms me
even if it's too big
& I can smell her on me
it's quite strange
yet her sent can calm
my inner rage.

she pats me on the back
and reminds me to breath
while telling me
she has to leave
enlisted in the army
she told to me
I don't want to lose
whats between you and me
send letters
so time will fly
soon I'll be back
with you in my life

The thunder screamed
And the stream flowed on silently
The rain thudded and flooded
And the water spilled
Out like the words
From my throat
Awhile ago
Before when I stopped trying
To explain why I'm here
And all alone
And in the indents
Of where the stream lays
Now just a vein
In the floor of the crashing river
Is where the bones lie
From the body of the one
Who died trying to see through the universe.

(Some of us **** & Some of us want to be killed.)
       Most are caught in the crossfire of life and death.
A few find a pattern.

How emotions can control us and push us so far.

        More than you would think,
Don't feel at all; Those like me.


We learn to 'fake' emotions.
And we are so empty and desperate to feel...
To feel; love, fear, happiness,
anger, sadness, joy,
and even pain.
We inflict others pain,
in hopes to feel the same.

But to no prevail,
we run out of options...
Any other option but,
DEATH.

I want love,
Even though I do not know the meaning.
I want to be normal,
Even though I know I'll never be.
I want my mother,
Even though I know that will never happen.

I need myself,
But I've become some one different.
I need others,
But I've distanced myself from them.
I need a conscience,
But I lost it a long time ago.

I can't loose control,
Or I'll never be able to come back.
I can't hide my pain,
Or I'll let everyone slip away.
I can't lie to myself,
Or I'll start to break.

I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'M SO ******* SORRY.

I was born in a family
where nobody cared...
I left there by force!
Scar'd by things, I WON'T forget.
(Anxiety & Tragidy)
My mind is ******.
To see my past-----
I'd never wish you luck,
Then I'd scream!
"It's all there fault"
and lastly,
Dead girls don't talk.

She was different
she was scared
people knew
she was weird
filled with shame
as well as pain
she took a knife
to her vein
she blames the cat
but with that
came a lie
and a never ending tie
beaten and betrayed
she set the world ablaze
when the rat
said she has no cat
filled with shame
as well as pain
people talking
of her in vain
she was different
she was scared
she took her life
then and there.

Sorry followers I'm grounded but I have been writing so much poetry!
So please don't unsubscribe I have poems waiting to be read by you

Her stare pierces through me
like a gun shot
wounded
startled
scared
not sure of her plots
wanting to read her thoughts
but a void keeps me out
or is it a struggle to keep sane
her soul won't stay in vain
lost
cold
frightened
to be scares in the rain
to fall down to an awaiting train
as it comes
the screech but of not the train
but of the wounded
like a deer staring into head lights
started
frozen
dead
the train goes on
like it felt nothing
yet the deer felt it all
agony
relentless pain
and it was all in vain.

I remember that time,
when the power went out.
But you found a magic cord,
that you streached from our house to another.
You acted sketchy... But I didn't know.

I remember that time,
when it was late;
I was hungry.
But the bad man was lazy and I fell asleep without it.
I woke earlier in the day,
wandering into your room.
You were both asleep,
with dinner cold in your room... I didn't know.

I remember the time,
when you and the bad man would fight.
He would make me yell words to you,
that made you cry... I didn't know.

I remember that time,
when the brother I hate;
touched me.
You confused me,
made me think it was a dream... And I didn't know.

Lovely and dark
angel you be
take me away
to a world of glee.

You don't like it
When I cry
So I stop
Not just crying
But any emotion
I won't show
As it builds up
Inside me
I can feel
The pressure
Causing cracks in my skin
More and more
Begin to show
Until I let
My emotions flow
All at once
Causing the uproar
Inside of me
To be let free

My pen to paper
I'll write something new
which is what
I seem to always do
but the poems vary
depending on mood
if I'm happy or sad
it's also true
but when I try to write about love
it always comes out wrong
even if I tried for so very long.

Don't be shocked with what I say
I'm the same as you
Yet, still you're afraid
with every word
you take a step back
ready to run
if I show a sign,
sigh -Oh this could be fun!

Day by day the beauty of darkness
all around multiplies and blooms
into a flower of treasure by which I fill
my trove at the time when I hate to see
the day light and love to pass my time
under spell of bitter rapture and swim
with delight when, without sound I weep
in ecstasy I recall your cold face when I see
emptiness engulfs me and nothing I get to fill my void
but this lovely darkness and your shrug silently to ruminate.