Disgusted with the way
You pulled my hair out of my face
I looked up to you
But right now
I am looking down at you.

I am seven years old
And my big Levittown style home
Surrounded by a white picket fence
In all it's ironic glory
Consumes me alive.

You always told me
This is what big kids do.
But I am not a big kid yet.

You always told me
This is just a game
But it isn't fun anymore.

You always told me
This is normal
But this is the farthest thing from it.

Now "home" and "family"
Mean nothing to me.

Concealing, masking.
Holding together one being
Stretching, tightening.
A suit never to take off
Smooth, soft.
Protecting the vulnerability
Color, texture.
Pouring out blood and oil
Wrinkling, pruning.
Always layering more
Strong, weak.

My bedroom is the most peaceful, and my all time favourite place.

Yeah, I am growing old.

I can tell something is wrong
but you won't tell me.

I can tell because
your mood easily
affects my mood.

Just thinking about you not being okay
brings tears to my eyes
and a horrible feeling in my stomach.

When I was little
I knew exactly how to answer
When adults asked me,
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Why is it that now
When I'm right on the cusp of adulthood
That suddenly I can't remember my lines?

How have I been concious this whole time
I've been driving but I don't remember it, caffeinated eyes, too much on my mind
It was better when my thoughts were more closely knit
When I wouldn't lose myself and I could just throw a fit

Those were the days before the days of death and decay, maybe even back when I would pray
But I don't believe in Jesus or his dad
See he's been dead for a while now, "my bad"
Otherwise he would have intervened, unless he got mad
His omnipotent chi, is turning into an omnipotency, if a consciousness can create everything then why can't I if I can see
I am god, can't you see the light I give off when I allow you to breathe?

Must not be, because my whole life's been a fight
I guess I better pull over and wrong all my rights
Maybe it would have changed my course in life, wouldn't that have been a sight?

If God needs them up there, then I must not need them in my life
Sorry Gary, I'm so selfish for wanting you here
I know you were in pain, and you were in fear
Just miss the talks we used to have over a couple of beers (queer)

I remeber the call like it was yesterday
Your daughter, my bestfriend since my freshman year, called me with tears on her mind, calm and uncollected with shock running through her like her heart monitor couldn't find the rhyme

I said what's wrong and she told me to sit down, she told me you took your life and I couldn't even wrap my head around the idea, you, gone, how did he do it, did he drown?! You wouldn't, you never, you didn't. I replied you're kidding me right, and she didn't respond, and you were.. you weren't there, I know you had gang green man, but you just quit the fight? How do I explain that feeling man, I can't even vent if I can't decode my own speechless rant.

It left your wife heaving, I listened to it every night. Your son will never forget the morning he walked in on your body and couldn't even fathom your death when he never saw you leaving

And Brittany, she loved you, there's  nothing more in life she wanted then to see you when she graduated from basic

I'll never forget the night I helped your son Andrew carry that chair down the stairs with his hands trembling from the thought of it, he'd seen so much blood he'd rather see in gray, and I played it cool because I loved them just like I love you, and the saddest part is for some sick reason I forgive you.

Life is fragile, they tell you about that when you're little, but you never really realize that till it's found you
Like the world shattered into something more real, and it's coming to find and drown you

They say
"Old habits die hard"
In reality
The only way to get rid of
The beast of addiction
The monster of obsession
The serpent of temptation
Is to
****** the **** thing
Before it can **** you first.

Keep your eyes closed, we are blind tonight
You can sit on the floorboards,
where I've bled,
naked and dark with me.

"Where are you from?

"Me?"

"Yeah. Where are you from?"

"I'm not really sure. Somewhere. Where are you from?"

"Here. Well, I was born here. I don't want to be from here, though."

"Where would you rather be from if you don't want to be from here?"

"I don't know. Anywhere but, really. Maybe Alaska."

"Why Alaska?"

"Well, I don't know. I'm not sure. Well, you see, they have a month of darkness every year. Just complete darkness. Some people think it's miserable. I think I'd like it, though. That way everyone could be just as invisible as me, even if for only a month out of the year."

Do your parents love you?
Are you religious?
Do you love everyone except yourself?
Are people nice to you?

Swim into me, swivel in the air
your eyes are penchant stares
Try all you can,
let everything and everyone caress you
Let the cold wind blow
and the warm wind undress you.

"Do you know what you did wrong?"

"What I did wrong?"

"Yeah. What you did ******* wrong."

"I-I...I'm not sure."

"You have to be ******* kidding me."

"I tried my be-"

"Shut the **** up. Shut. The. ****. Up. If you want to be something, if you want to get ahead in life, then you can't rely on me, your mother, your friends, or anyone except you. You have to know that every decision is your own, and every consequence that comes along with each decision, is your own to handle. No one will help you, and no one needs to help you because it's not their responsibility. You handle your own ****, and you do better than your best. Perfection. If you aren't perfect, then you aren't anything."

Birds and flies swivel around my head
you sit under a tree with thorns in your hair
I say, "Hi."
You say, "Hi."
I sit next to you, and you don't get up.
You smile and say, "Where have you been?"

And death shall have no dominion?
Is that so much a hope rather than opinion?
Under the windings of the sea?
And if no air breezes by, for you and me?
And if the resolution of my lack of evolution keeps me free?
Is there any hope in harmony. Is there any hope in harmony.
Is there any hope in harmony. Is there any hope in being me.

"Dreams are dangerous, Josh. They're sedatives, not cures. Choose reality. Choose the bitter pill. Because whether you believe it or not, you will end up having it whether you're forced to take it or whether you choose to take it. No matter how much talent you think you have, no matter how much stubbornness that you mistake for ambition, you will be unable to attain your dreams."

"What if you're wrong?"

"What if I'm wrong? Well, let's see-"

"No. What if you're wrong? What if you say all this because of your personal experience. What if you believe all of that because your belief in yourself was stripped by those before you? You could have done something bigger, but you gave up on yourself. You could have been someone. You could have been happy, instead of what you are now. Don't take away the only thing I have just because you have nothing."


Fear is a deadly thing to bear witness to
The hollow spot in the wall,
the eyes staring at a coffee mug,
the words, "I promise."

Tear apart an inverted heart,
and disappear into reverse midnight
All alone with a telephone,
"You're still there, right?"
Dial-tone silence followed by
fist to wall violence
and to sit alone in a bathtub
crying
is a new form of living yet
dying

I can hear violins amidst the violence
And I can see your eyes in the dark
There will be hands shaking
To you, for without, every burn
that's been allowed,
a night to relieve
your weary mind from unkind
lovers, mothers, fathers, brothers
and a hope that you retrieve
yourself in the debris


"Why do you care so much?"

"Why do I care?"

"A better question would be: Why do you care about people so much?"

"Because there's more beauty than desolation in humanity, or at least I choose to believe so."


Sunset sonata
*** in empty beds, in empty heads
Our sweat is a stranger, just like you
and just like me
*** is like society
And we're so focused on ******* each other
no matter how badly it ******* hurts us in the process