somedays I don't think I will ever recover
I can not erase the ways your eyes used to swallow me whole
my trembling body has never stopped shaking
my muscle stay tense to protect myself from your harsh hits

somedays I don't ever think I will fully heal
I can not forget the ways your voice would strangle me before your hands
defenseless against your false authorities and control
somedays I wake up still crying, screaming, and kicking
the thought of your heaviness on top of me makes my skin crawl

when my eyes are closed, in the safety of my bed,
I still see your face, red, angry, and full of self-hatred
the way you hurt me like I was your enemy makes me fear even my friends

somedays I don't think I will ever let go of my rage
I can never shower enough to get your fingerprints off my porcelain skin
I used to be soft, loving, and gentle
you stole my light
now I sit tensely and eagerly waiting for my safety to turn into the monster you were.

And some days I don't think I can forgive myself for allowing you to get that close.
I blame myself for the pain you caused me,
I should have known better
I can't forgive myself for holding this anger in me until my ***** rot
I can't let go of this anguish you left me with

The bittersweetness of kissing my youth goodbye
Today, I am dressing my youth in a white dress and lace
Painting blush and lashes, curling her hair, and painting her nails
I am handing my childhood  a bundle of white roses and eucalyptus
and watching her walk alongside my father
walking towards becoming a woman and wife
now I live for much more than I
Today I start living for our future
for our future home, children, journey
closing a chapter to open a better one
the earth blessed us with a gift
something so pure and precious
a blissful snow day gifted to us by angels
kisses from snowflakes on our cheeks from our ancestors
as we hold hand and hand I know there is no better love than I have discovered
many nights I have prayed with tears only God understands
searching for the man he is in every person I have met
I have rediscovered him after many lifetimes of searches
The love of my life in every aspect possible
loving him feelings like
deep belly laughs, cramps from non-stop giggles
a popsicle on a july day, windows rolled down in a truck no A/C on but the wind in our hair reminds us of youth
cigerates on a bacolny on Newyears watching fireworks
loving him is like seeing your entire future in his eyes
feeling every ounce of his I Love You's
never doubting
never worried
because I am secure in his love
my other half
I am nothing if I am not a draft from his rib
a love so precious only we understand

kissing so loud I can hear ringing in my ears, as our lips smack
touching so often, my skin has memorized, the ridges naturally embedded in your fingertips
I can smell your cologne before you walk through my door
the warmth from your breath on my neck becomes my motivation and willpower
I know the weight of your footsteps as you walk through the cold hall
I admire you to the point of no return
I surrender, all the bad trapped within my past
just for a chance with you
I never want to lose touch with your gentle flesh against mine
my sweet angel, you mean too much to me
your snores and quickness in your lungs as you rest, slowly have become my serenity
I am completed engulfed within your passion
Before you, I feel like a burning house
too upset with flames and rage to stop ripping apart memories and happy common areas, at which I used to feel safe.
Before our grinning exposed teeth and belly pain from laughter,
I was a ghost. Allowing my past lover to ****** me again and again until I came back with the concept of revenge.
you have taught me to find peace with my rage
to slowly forget the bruises the past men left behind
I used to be a lonely screaming bird trapped in a rusted gate
until you opened the doors to freedom and self-discovery
I was addicted to living in my past
and now I feel free
my sweet angel
Thank you.

Every night I see you lurking in my dreams
organizing to pounce on your prey
patiently waiting to devour me like old times
getting ready to lick your ****** fingers, after ripping my self-esteem apart,
limb by limb you used to tear into me
but I am stronger than I once was
I have grown into my body and mind
your rage is my motivation now
you can never harm me again

self-hatred is so bittersweet
I no longer feel much pain
too busy numbing my thoughts
to pay attention to my shortcomings

a betrayal so deep I can not remember how peace once felt
anger so constant I can not feel my own skin without rage
how could he just walk away so easily?
I sold my locks of blonde hair for you
I gave away all the love I  had in storage for myself
I even donated everything that made me, myself.
remember the late nights we spend laughing so hard our bellies hurt?
where has our youth gone?
I have not seen my own smile in months
I guess I am too forgettable
I am so forgettable that I can not remember who I am
but I will be here, pondering on our mistakes
as if I would ever call you to mine again
in the same broken place, you left me

wind flowing heavily through the light Air
Sun so bright colors vibrate through the grassy patches
grass kissing our pale ankles as we run freely
towards the water
the fresh body of the water baptizes our spirit
young and full of laughter
lungs breathe in the minty blue oxygen
as jokes and memories shared over the cold sodas and reapplied sunscreen
smiles have never been so authentic
summer is truly the best time to connect with our mother earth
listen to her advice as the waves crash over us

the bird in the cage in my hollow chest has been set free
I no longer hear the singing or chirps
it no longer rattles when you kiss my cheek
it is truly missing
The silence is haunting me
the sheets have become cold but they still smell like you after a long sweaty day in the mud
I say I love you to the pillow staring at me out of habit at night
and hold it like i was held you
I have tried to find something to fill the silent void but all I can hear
is the chirps and songs belted out once with passion
the empty cage is starting to rust from all my tears
nobody told me when loves leaves it doesn't only take his tooth brush and clothes but it always leaves a heavy mind full of questions
why was it so easy to sneak out the window and disappear
when will will you return lover?
will you return?
I hope you return

connecting to my own soul
because at the end of my life
fragile and brittle
all I will have is what's left of my
mind, body and soul
the sweetness of the gift of self- love is everlasting
eternally grateful for my complex aura
for I admire the yellow clay like glow I radiate
I used to wonder where I came from but I now understand I am built from nothing but clouds, star dust and the universes intuition
the wind is my only navigation
the sea is the only rhythm I follow
I only take advice from the gentle whispers of my ancestors
I only find comfort in my own skin
I've slowly understood that the person staring at me in the mirror
is my only soulmate, twin flame or best friend
nobody empathizes my spirit like I
Nobody touches my curves with some admiration like me
Nobody understands my emotional patterns and accepts my growth like my own self
Every strain of curled dried hair , every memory, every laugh, every life event I've already shared with my life partner
we grew up together
we will grow old together
until death do us part
my only true life partner is me

The mirror screams back at me in the morning
the reflection is a horror I wish not to express
the terror behind my eyelids becomes too real
I never wanted to change this way
I am so cold
no longer carrying warmth in my smile
my skin becomes a grey elastic film I wear like a coat
my teeth are rotting from the fake words that ***** out when my nerves take control of my weak body
my bones are creaking because of lack of care
muscles become stone with the purpose of weighing down my soul
I scream at my reflection in the windows and cameras
I no longer wish to be this version of my ego
I am nothing but slowly decaying corps
I guess I will start arranging the funeral

when the ghost of our loves lays next to me in bed
I feel a pit start to swallow me whole
I've been running from the memories buried in my cells membrane
the sweet familiar feeling of being completed
but my spirit is no longer recognizable
drenched in sweat for our sins and my lies
when the ghost of you makes love to my mind
my ribs start to cave in  
crushing my heart and the dark void you left behind
I start to crawl back to my isolation
something about you was so broken
but I found such comfort in your nervousness
a part of you understood my chaos so well
when the ghost of you kisses my spine
my throat grows lumps that start to interfere with my vocal cords
I can no longer hear the sounds of my own cries
my voice appears muffled
all I hear is you saying my name at the end of my bed frame
my sleep paralysis monster
my tainted past
my past ghost lover

I woke to find a precious moment next to me
His eyes shut and resting
So peaceful
Little snores escape as he dreams
I stare and pray he doesn't wake to find my eyes glued to his skin
Searching for words as I write this poem cause nothing can describe the peace and bliss I feel
Blessings were sent to me in  hand wrapped presents from God in the form of a soulmate
He is as gorgeous as it gets
He put a candle in my heart
So I'm not longer dark and cold
I will always love waking up next to him
wearing his warmth and his scent as a blanket
My eyes rest so easily when I'm in the company of my angel
Protected always from the horrors of our earth
I found my first real love
Still get violent knots and Butterflies after 216 days of waking up next to him
He took the time to understand how my heart works how my heart heals
He knows how to calm me
Finger tips up and down his spine
His skin made of forgiveness
His eyes taught me honesty
His lips made me learn freedom
Every prayer ever spoke in silence is given to me in the form of him
God created him as a clay sculpture
He molded his strong shoulders to my liking so he could carry the burdens I held for so long
He formed his chest with an indent for my hand to rest
Ribs wide enough to carry a heart of solid gold
Limbs long enough to touch the heavens
But with that comes roots to reach hell.
Everything I've ever wanted sleeping in bed next to me, how could I find the words to describe the feeling of knowing his my forever
Blessed

The way he admires me makes me melt like butter
He whispers about my eyes looking like honey
And plugs fingers in me like he's reaching the end of the jar
With pleading eyes he nourishes my every insecurity
The sweetest love I've ever tasted
Intentions clear as glass

I will keep all your demons inside My soul make a haunted house of it
I will display your pain on portraits and paintings and hang them on the walls like an art museum
I will handle your anger like a blade to the chest
And with my last breath apologize for the blood on your hands
I will soak up your tear like sponge and never complain about the wet that Consumes me

Fireworks tears and whiskey
Turning a page on a new chapter
A new year has begun maybe things will change
Little did I know this will be the last night I spend in your arms
We say hallow I love yous
We only kiss in the dark
Trying to hold together what little we have left
I will always  miss you
think about you when I'm sad
Slideshows of memories play in the back of my eyelids before sleep
I still sleep in your shirt but it no longer has your pheromones on it it is washed and drenched in fabric softener to drown out the smell of you
I will always carry love for you but no longer in my heart and in my bones but in in the creases of my elbows and backs of my knees so my next lover does not notice the burden I carry for loving you
I once convinced myself you were my future but now I understand that people just outgrow people
Our love got spoiled like milk left out overnight
and who am I to blame I left it there, on the counter waiting for somebody to pick it up and fix it
I'm sorry I abandoned you
Let our love wither away like a wilting flower, I should have held on longer
But who am I to sell all my love and time on someone who wouldn't do the same

I would quiver into dust for him
Convert back into the atoms and stars I once was
I would melt between the crack in the warm pavement
turn into nothing but a puddle of water  to be stepped in
I would be burnt into ashes
Become nothing but a rusted gate
I would give up every thing I possibly have
Just to hear him say I love you like he said right now

As my fingers caress your scalp
I watch your eyes slowly shut
God they are beautiful,
Lashes stretched out like hands  busy protecting your vision
I would do anything to guard you from the horrors those eyes have seen
Finger tips wander along side your hairline where several scars are tucked away
Energy calm
Your head leans into me as my fingers run across the back of your ear
This is intimacy
Voices in my head whisper line of poetry when we touch in silence
My spine pulls into you naturally as we rest
Your wisdom has been the missing piece to my mess unorganized brain
Love seems possible again thanks to you

Burning with lit passion of fire and heat
In the morning you are the first and only thing I need
Sending bubbles of addiction through my gut and up through my thoughts
Knowing it will turn to Ash
But I admire the slow burn
Smoke clouding judgement
How can something feel so good but fill my lungs with tar and shame
Once we burn out I'll throw the stained yellow  filter  away without second thought
Just to grab another from a pack
Because love this good was never built to last

Heart being pulled in every direction possible
He makes a smile grow that I believed was lost
Undiscovered feelings develop in the dark
And I want to hide from my own emotions
Never admit I'm falling in love with you
A soul that will never belong to me
Skin that will one day forget my touch
Lips that will never say my name in vows
I accept the fact that I'm not made for you
Shoulders weren't made to carry all your hurt
But they were made like umbrellas for your tears
I will try my hardest to guard you from my sensitivity
I know you wanted me for fun
But I'm too attached
Not to say
I'm falling in love with the thought of you

collarbones exposed to the sun like open hands worshipping God
words spoke as soft as wind
as gentle as the cold of the snow
the warmest smile you've ever felt
an abandoned home of a soul
giving in every way
selfish but only when expressing self-love
intentions as rule ridden as the laws of the land
nobody shall conquer this body
for it belongs to the lord
soul sold years ago
to a life far from touch
disappearing fingerprints
constantly changing into a person unrecognized
self-expression becomes more than words
skin like communication
eyes deeper than rock bottom
******* deeper into a void of the past
but shoulders built to hold a house of broken promises and disappointment
bags under eyes packed full of regret and shame
showers wash everything but the past
but still standing stronger
unbroken
at peace

a cold body rotting is all I am
bone decaying
flesh falling into the atoms they are
slowing turning into dust
casket 6 feet deep
tears from fake friends fall
everyone dressed in black
my lovers front row
to watch the body the once made love to sitting in eerie silence
cold and alone they will stand
unware of how broken I was
Don't be sad
Don't cry
when my body returns to the earth that birthed me

love is so free,
free to give
free to receive
the sun hums when you're around
the grass dances along with your steps
the sky glows and grins with your smile
It takes every ounce of will from stopping me from fall face first
into your arms and safety
his eyes stare at the lips he is scared to kiss
I can see dark thoughts overwhelming him like clouds rolling in and getting ready for a storm  
I fear of hurting you
but the opposite if love is fear
so I open my eyes and head straight towards your affections
because I am so eager to discover the depth of your love

I pour everything I have into forgetting the taste of your name when I wakeup
I spill all my blood trying to erase your words of love you filled my body with
I rip the flesh you have touched and I am letting them scab over
This is healing
I grow every day I don't hear your voice
I flourish on the days your memories don't have time to surface
I will never sit at the bottom of the stomach of a beast ever again
I will kick and stab my way out of the next controlling chains I am put in
I am stronger without the help of my abuser
I do not miss the way you hurt me
I do not miss the taste of own blood
I do not miss the way you said sorry after screaming until your lungs bruise

I only miss you late at night, in the comfort of my own room
since you've been gone
I've slept next to the most beautiful soul to you I could find
He sleeps every night to the sound of rain and thunder
I've found comfort in this because since you left I've become a storm
but he admires this about me
all the chaos you couldn't handle
he does with pleasure
He tells me my soul is a deep lilac color and he feels it when our skin touches
I've never been admired like the art my hands create
I haven't cried about you since the day I hung up the phone
not one single tear I think you deserve
I would wish you the best but I am too far away to touch now

we eat the nickles and irony taste of the trip
lights fill the room like laughter and I see his smile glow
He looks at me with such realness and intimacy
I kiss down his spine, while whispering good energy into his ear, blowing love into his thoughts like a balloon
my curves lay exposed from lack of clothing
we like it this way, clothes tend to reflect our shame
and tonight our shame was healed, and our life together has begun
a new chapter has been written in my story
experiences I can only feel when young
we whisper about why we are catching feelings, communication has never been this clear before
his shirt looks so good on my soft skin
he admires every cell on my body
souls at peace
tripping and falling for you  
patterns kiss your checks just like my lips
under blankets
breathing hope into me
I hope this feeling never ends

The familiar feeling of falling in love
Happens too quick
Trying to stop myself from falling face down at rock bottom
You breathe hope into me like CPR
And fill my head with thoughts of us like a balloon
The sounds of affectionate names replay like a scratched CD
Frustrating that guards are being let down  to let you in

when a boy says I love you in the back of a car on a drunken night
wait to say it back
because loving should never be shy
but the desire to be accepted for the broken soul you are might just be enough to convince yourself to let your guard down
hand your self-esteem to him like a coat when you enter an unfamiliar home
lose track of the days when your mind is a calendar
he slowly unravels your habits just to switch up your maze you've memorized
he wants you with stained hands with the color of his lungs  
be strong enough to give yourself time before saying it back

He stands tall like a telephone line, energy surging through his limbs
a permanent frown on his red-tinted face
he carries guilt in his veins
the tattoos show symbols of a violent that tracks him down like a private investor
but her
she cowers softly with broad shoulder blades to carry her weight of sins
makeup caked on to bring all attention to the ill intentions in her eyes
her skin is soft but covered in fingerprints and cuts from her last lover
but there's such a bright light void of a soul that radiates through her fragile transparency
this brings out the best in him, the part that makes him crave stability
the part that strives to grow
and that's why despite all odds
the strangest love connections build

Disconnected soul from subconscious
Rust and tar fill my lungs
I can hear their concern so clear it rattles my thoughts
They can see my intentions are no longer clear
Behind the curtains is a wrecked ship soul
Behind the chaos in my veins is a deserted island at which no body has traveled on
Nothing but a ghost in a haunted house
Forced to fake every interaction I become a robot to emotions  
Much like my past lover
A brick wall of a soul
My mind and heart has never had a debate this harsh
My skin lusts
But my soul crawls when around him

Darkness over powers the day light
Memories of his love only floods through me at night
Tears only fall down my face when memorizing a new stranger's lips
Weakness only appears when in isolation
I remind myself that life was better before you but the truth is life was better with you

I wonder if you can hear the voices in my head
Because my every thought is resting on your taste buds
I feel so ****** into your solidarity
Sinking deeper into undiscovered ideas and understanding of myself
I'm drowning in your reinsurance
Like a good fish in a tank
You observe my habits
Understand my life style
And admire my beauty
I know I'm not easy to love
I'm nothing but damaged goods  and left overs in your fridge
But if you just give me a chance I will show you what you deserve

Orange juice and LSD
Solidarity in my existence
Glowing auras of peace
Colors blinding with life
Sound bouncing with love
baptized in the shower
Change is growing within
Birthed a new self-awareness an inner love

Rough turns into smooth touches under sheets with lights on
Breath against his neck
The cold bites our toes but the warmth keeps cores heated
He mutters about feelings growing
I refuse to believe in love anymore
Kisses tells secrets about intimacy that our mouth's refuse to say and our minds refuse to believe
Sleeping in his shirt
I memorized the smell of his pheromones and how they linger along with the cigarette smoke embedded in his clothes
His phone calls started to comfort my ears
I've been searching for a voice to bring me healing
I've been searching for a body to baptize me
I've been searching for a soul to memorize my touch and ears to memorize the sounds of I love you
But our love would be tainted from the start
a slow poison
Heart's and peace  would be Disturbed
And I can't risk getting hurt again

I look for your eyes in the dark
Search for a soul that has been absent
Touch skin that doesn't have your cells
Everything is wrong without you
I woke up and the sky is green
And
Grass is blue
Nothing is the same since the day you left
The air is suffocating me
The bed chains me down with depression
My voicemails are stuffed full of meaningless flings
Mountains have turned to water
My world has developed into a black and white film without you

I go to write a poem, pour all my anger and blunt feelings about you onto a page
But everything sounds cliquè and boring
You stole my vocabulary
The adjectives I use in my writing is hidden under your coat
You stole my creativity
I can see it in your eyes this is what you wanted
You wanted to take everything I built with my own hands
You wanted to make me dig my own grave
And I won't let you
I'm taking back my power
And moving on with grace
And I'm stealing my vocabulary back!

Tonight I just can't get Comfortable
Tossing and turning while watching the clock slowly development into the morning sunrise
I am no longer myself but yet a hallow shell with lifeless interactions
I allow abuse to my body in exchange for intimacy and surface conversation
I allow my soul to bargain with demons and still manage to bring myself to church
I see the mirror and only see hatred and memories of precious quality time  I should have just spent with myself to avoid this hurt

and just like that, we become strangers again
talks full of flowers and life becomes distant and cold interactions, does it make you uncomfortable to know you can never make my skin moan your name?
does it make you angry that my soul belongs to myself again
what will you do when I walk past you like we don't have a past?

Vision blurred to only see red
If I was a cup I would be over flowing with anger
Veins stuffed full of unsaid thoughts
My aorta is covered in tar
The doctors say they can't help
They only specialize in shoving pills down our throats and telling us we have daddy issues
I need treatment to cure this disease
Running rampid through my skull
Taking over slowly
Day after day
I feel my anger bubbling up

A soft whisper spoke in silence
The low rumble with a masculine tone
Words that carry such truth
Skin raises with goose bumps
A soul talking in the dark
My ear begs to listen to every line
Like poetry I analyze your intentions

A smile so bright you confuse me with the sun
A heart so gold its shameful
Tongue sharper than the knife in my back
Intentions as pure and clear as glass
Sins ******* in the closet
Regret and guilt in the backseat on my mind
Behind the curtains of my soul is depth and pain
But on the surface I'm as calm as the sea

There's something about a broken soul that intrigues me completely

Kisses down my neck make my skin pur
Finger tips on my inner thighs

Heart of gold
The scars on his arms show the strength in his growth
The Bible verses on his tongue show me the word
He is my peace of mind until the clock hits 11 am
He is my solitary confinement when I'm drowning in sin
He shows me  his sin and offers it on a silver plate
And I feel so full of his demons
I never need to eat another meal again
Not on drugs just intoxicated by his honestly and strength

I give you complete power and control over my body
I have no more soul left to offer
I lay my curved body on the warm sheets and let your eyes eat me
I allow you to tie my limbs down to prevent me from floating
you admire every whimper that I mutter
you listen close to my lungs as the search for air
blindfold on  and you become my darkness
you devour me in your sin
I see the beauty in the pain
anything to please you
belts come out and you mention the way I squirm and how powerful you feel
screams until my lungs bleed
I give you all I can offer
begging, moaning, power.

my bones ache without you here
My heart is over grown with saddness
My veins are full of my rage
It's lonely without you here
Come home baby
I'm waiting

I have dirt under my nails still from digging my own grave
Stared down death With my own eyes
Shook hands with the devil while preaching to my Lord
My hands are still bleeding from the roses I picked
To place on my grave
Once all my sins have been washed

Dear heart,
You are one of the only thing that keeps me going most days. You fill me with warmth and life. Thank you for staying so strong during my overdose, I’ll forever be grateful for that. You’re the only one who’s been here through it all, I am so surprised you still keep going especially after all the heart break and pain I can feel you get consumed with. If at any chance you decide to stop working just know I understand and I am ready when you are

I sat down to write a suicide note
So many people  to apologize  to
But the only words on my final paper is
Say I am sorry to my sisters for not being  strong  anymore

My ****** eyes are burnt into my skull and suddenly  I wish I was only decaying  bones in a casket 8 feet deep.
His eyes made me wish the pills worked on my first suicide  attempt
His eyes make me wish I would have died the night he ***** my cold shaken body
I wonder if he can he my screams in his sleep cause God knows I replay my screams like a record  with one track
I hope he wakes up in sweats after remembering how he burried my soul in the ground  I was ***** on

The memories  visit me so often now it's  like an angel  but dark and twisted
It kisses my head and tucks me into bed where it visits me in my sleep to torment  me
I started to cry in the shower
So my husband  hopefully  won't  hear my sobs
I don't  talk about it
I refer to my **** as "the situation " because saying **** outloud makes my body shake
Recently  the memories have been so vivid
Details i forgot sufferaced
Like the dirt in my shoes
Or my yellow shirt covered in sand
My skirt around my ankles and underwear with monday on them
The feeling  of his hand around my chin and pulling my hair towards him
I remember  everything  i forced myself to forget
After 4 years you think you would start healing
But his face pops up on facebook  
And i start to have nightmares  about his eyes
His eyes
When i think about  them i feel  like i was looking  satan in the face and lost
The eyes of my ****** are burnt into my skull and suddenly  i wish i was only  bones

Evil people  live in safe places
With dogs and jobs
With a husband under her control
With children she manipulated  the state to get
Evil people hide in safe places
They are nurses in church
A " hard working mother"
But behind closed doors
They project all their hurt
They pour their trauma into their children like potted plants
They train you to believe  you are the weakest  link.
They morph your brain into soilders fighting for the wrong side
Evil peopl hide in safe places