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VOID Aug 2018
i have two choices
1. accept my mental illness
         or
2. deny I have a problem
VOID Jul 2018
i have been searching for a real love
but do you know how hard it is
to find a kind person
VOID Sep 2018
the thought of little seedlings growing
makes so anxious
i feel like i swallowed rocks
VOID Nov 2018
if today a genie asked me to say three wishes i know hat they would be
1. for you to stay forever, always there for kisses and midnight talks
2. for you never to feel sad or alone, so i could always know you are okay emotionally
3. for even if we die, in our next life to find you again and again.
VOID Feb 2019
today at lunch he looked at me with hungry eyes
and his buttery voice said in a low roar " Monday is our 4 months"
my cheeks grew so numb from exposing my teeth in a smile
four months!
time flies, I still remember the feeling of our first kiss and how the wind chilled my bones so we cuddled under a wool blanket from the white truck you picked me up in with music so loud I  could  finally drown out the sound of my beating nervous heart and how the tree's seemed like they were watching us with fate in their leaves that said our names when the air blew them in every direction. the stars hung closer to earth just for our viewing and we laughed and I told you everything, EVERYTHING. just to put all my crazy on the table because I wouldn't have been disappointed if you left after that night but you stayed for the past 4 months.
I recall our dinner dates and us making cakes in your kitchen or our secret sleepover the night I had no home but in your arms. four months!
it only took me four seconds of seeing you in my art class to know you were the one.
I love you!
VOID Aug 2018
My anger gets me in trouble
get got me hit so hard my eyes blurred
my mouths spilled blood
and i was tackled
i got up after being beat
i looked up with pleading eyes
he was walking away to chase her
you walked away when i was literally bleeding for you
i will never find someone who deserves me
VOID Aug 2018
5.7 million people are like me
they have highs and lows
they are just like me
this is a comforting thought
i am not the only person suffering from this illness
VOID Nov 2018
approaching you is the hardest thing i have ever done
with a brick in my throat
and cement on my feet
i attempt to run
into the same arms that cause me so much pain
and for some reason i keep running into the same brick wall
and screaming for help
reaching out my hand
and you keep walking away
VOID Mar 2019
he yelled at me last night
really yelled
until his lungs were sore
and he was coughing up blood
he slit me deep with his harsh language
he told me to move back to Arizona
he told me he didn't care if he was in a relationship
that I didn't have a life outside our relationship
and I felt like my mother
shoved into silence. pushed into not saying anything against him
moments later he hugged me forced his lips on mine
saying sorry, he slipped my ******* off
and I become a statue
I freeze and watch him get whatever he wants
time after time
I allow him to take parts of me away
and time after time I let him take his anger out on me
I feel small
I feel like I don't matter to him
but time after time I let him do this
VOID Nov 2018
my mothers bruises are like my thoughts
they are deep and hurtful but eventually they go away
VOID Nov 2018
my life is starting to feel like a movie without a theme
aimlessly wandering through scenes
stumbling over the lines
and listening to directors instructions
and following blocking
it feels like one of those movies where music doesn't play in boring scenes
i just don't feel like i belong in these scenes
i think they got the casting wrong
VOID Jul 2018
I know it's wrong
but I can't get rid of you
I know I should move on
But you taste to good
the rush
the high
you fill this void that i struggle to even mention
you fill this void that i try to hide from everyone
and i can never get enough
I can never leave you behind
because you were there for me when nobody was
you helped me sleep at night
you helped me make friends
you helped me when nobody could
thank you Xanax
but this is a good bye
you almost took my life
you stabbed me in the back and left
when I tried to break away you reminded me of my faults
you dragged me into my casket and wanted nothing good for me
you got me *****
you got me almost killed
you got me hospitalized
you tore my family away from me
I can't even have a relationship without you ruining my chances
Xanax, I loved you
but all things come to an ended
I have out grown you
passed you
I need a break from your temptations
I am sorry
but I chose my life
VOID Feb 9
a cold body rotting is all I am
bone decaying
flesh falling into the atoms they are
slowing turning into dust
casket 6 feet deep
tears from fake friends fall
everyone dressed in black
my lovers front row
to watch the body the once made love to sitting in eerie silence
cold and alone they will stand
unware of how broken I was
Don't be sad
Don't cry
when my body returns to the earth that birthed me
VOID Nov 2018
i have nothing left to give
you but my heart and time
i hope that's enough
nothing else to lose
but you and your affection
no body understands me anymore
but these letters i spill my thoughts on
a
VOID Dec 2018
kissing him taste like wine,
well more like hard liquor
it gets my head twisted
and my thoughts dizzy
I am getting drunker every time he touches me
but I can not get enough
maybe after this is all done I will start attending A.A. meetings
but for now, come over and get me, wasted, baby
VOID Apr 2019
All good things come to an end they say
well I apologize for not wanting the smell of you to leave my blankets
I am sorry for crying when I think of this summer coming to an end
but You aren't just a good thing you are a life changer
VOID Feb 2019
I am not sad he is gone
He has been gone for weeks
my body belongs to me again
and now I feel free
but in an empty way
I wish he was here with me but he has to be the man I need him to be
VOID Dec 2018
I don't obey rules
not anymore.
you tell me to shave so you can touch me
so i shaved my head and ask if this was enough.
you tell me to give myself to you
so i sacrificed myself at an alter  and i ask is this what you meant?
you asked me to be open
so i cut out my tangled veins and left my arteries open and spilling words of confessions and shame. and i ask do i bleed pretty?
VOID Feb 2019
Have you ever sat there at 3 AM crying until your glossy eyes are raw?
so sore they feel like open wounds just as the ones to match the bubbled over scars on the paleness of your near thighs
your head becomes so dizzy and stuffed from mucus it feels like a ballon
you go to pick up your phone and the LED brightness makes you feel hungover but you start to call people who understand your chaos
but nobody answers
ring ring ring, the person you have attempted to call is unavailable...
your heart sinks and out of nowhere you want to claw out all the sadness you have stored inside your veins and everything feels so heavy
and it takes a while but you call again but this time a new number
and you get no answer
ring ring ring... unavailable ...
where are people when you need them, they are as absent as your mother
have you ever felt this?
felt so insignificant that you feel as small as a grain of rice in a china bowl ready to be devoured
because I do feel like this and I hope I am not alone
VOID Nov 2018
what is death?
is it when you stop breathing? because when i first saw you i lost my breath
is it when you grow cold? because my heart has been thawing for years.
is it when your family starts to cry over you? because my family has been crying over me since i was 12
is it when people finally start noticing you? because that happened once i moved
is it when your brain stops working? because i have been walking around aimlessly for years
is it when you are laid in your casket? because my minds been trapped in one forever
is it when you use dirt as a blanket? because i have been coughing up dirt like i have been dead my whole life
VOID Oct 2018
my head is so clear without those meds
but my soul still aches the same way
i have this void inside
that hungry for something
something larger than me
larger than us
but its so absent
where are you?
VOID Jan 13
Vision blurred to only see red
If I was a cup I would be over flowing with anger
Veins stuffed full of unsaid thoughts
My aorta is covered in tar
The doctors say they can't help
They only specialize in shoving pills down our throats and telling us we have daddy issues
I need treatment to cure this disease
Running rampid through my skull
Taking over slowly
Day after day
I feel my anger bubbling up
VOID Apr 2019
I have bubble wrap around my throat
trying to help me with my deep anger
she makes me want to hit
hurt someone, something
she makes my porcelain skin break out in hives
but I will not be tempted by anger like my father
anger and my father were made for each other
and I want to be more like the mother I admire
and Breathe
becomes one with the feeling of calm
and use my strength to hold my fist open
VOID Jan 26
Darkness over powers the day light
Memories of his love only floods through me at night
Tears only fall down my face when memorizing a new stranger's lips
Weakness only appears when in isolation
I remind myself that life was better before you but the truth is life was better with you
VOID Jan 2019
can you tell I have nothing left to write about?
can you tell I can only put together very few words to describe what pain I am in
so I avoid writing about my love life or my trauma that has been resurfacing
I feel like I am drowning again but I silence myself to avoid being hurt
or admitting things weren't as perfect as they recall
I feel like the crazy one for moving here
I feel insane for trusting it is good in people
after all
boys will be boys
and drug addicts will be drug addicts
I should have never gone out last night, I should have never got on that plane months ago
I should have never thought I was better of like this
VOID Oct 2018
seeing him with her doesn't hurt
it just makes me mad
is he feeding her the same lies?
is he pushing his briefs on her?
he is telling her he doesn't want his but refuses to use a ******?
how do they function?
i just have questions
i am not jealous
VOID Apr 2019
the past month has held me close
hearing your voice tucking me into sleep
your warmth used as my blanket to keep me calm
the past month with you left my cheeks permanently numb from smiling
I never want this feeling to end with you
VOID Nov 2018
even in a crowd of people
i noticed you.
even in a concert
i heard your voice.
VOID Nov 2018
if our love was an art museum
there would be a large painting of your body under mine
there would be a sculpture of our hands touching for the first time
and a painting of your dimples and teeth exposed after i said i love you back for the first time.
the walls would be painted so bright
to showcase our love and affection.
there would be photographs in black and white of our smiles before and after we share a kiss.
and sculptures of the tree's we hung our hammock in
VOID Mar 2019
the grumbling is getting louder
the sounds are invading my personal thoughts and this time I am alone
mom doesn't get to make it better
the voices are starting to scream and wake me up at night
I lay restless and scared of what they might say next
and my jittery movements make me feel as if I am crazy
crazier than I am
I can't tell if the voices are real or not  
but I also don't know if anything is real anymore
VOID Aug 2018
you are the only poem i  don't know how to write.
i couldn't put words to the way you used to love me
VOID Aug 2017
love
i find your voice beautiful
even when you are screaming
i find your eyes perfection
when you refuse to look at me
i am scared to show true emotion
to someone feels so distant
every movement you make is beautiful in every way
you all i desire
i want you to feel the same passion as me
if you give me the stars
i will give you the rest of my universe
because nothing in this entire  world
makes me feel as happy
and one moment i am falling apart and the next falling in love
and i pray that
my future will forever be with you
because my heart belongs to you
and whether or not
you choose to treat it right
is up to you
and i find it incredible
that i can look at you for just a second
and find one million things i love
and every time i look at you i fall deeper in love
and i could stay up all night saying all the things i find
just indescribably beautiful about you
the way my stomach turns when you whisper the word “what?’’
the way when my mind is a storm and i am a complete mess
you make me calm
you make me feel like the earth is untouchable
like the horrible things that happen aren’t so bad
and this feeling you give me confuses me
because one minute i am scream and the next
i am completely in love with you
and i get all too nervous to tell you these things
so i hope you know i care deeply about you
and you make me so happy
so i love you
and you are my whole universe
and you better me as a person
and you make the best of me show
you are so strong when i am weak
your kisses make me overwhelmed with happiness
and when my hand is holding yours i feel untouchable
from the temptation of this earth  
the only words i can really say to you
is i love you
i love everything about you
VOID Sep 2018
baby come here and let me kiss your insecurities away
my love come over and let me touch your anxiety away
boo come closer and let me talk your depression down
i am here to help
you aren't alone, my baby
VOID Dec 2018
love songs do not sound the same
the brightness of summer seems so dull
the excitement of rushing to class to see you has faded
the rain seems to be playing on repeat
the grass in my yard has all died
and winter has never seemed so cold
without you here i am lost
VOID Nov 2018
i have to stay sober because i refuse to have to look him in the eyes and tell him to walk away from me because i am toxic again.
i refuse to give up something so perfect for pills
i lost everything once
i will not lose my everything now.
VOID Feb 2019
"You never know what you have until it is gone"
he mutters as he leans in for a kiss
I haven't tasted his affection in weeks
I haven't seen him smile in months when addressing me
He reminds me of the harshes parts of the night
I love to admire the stars but it is cold and brittle and the darkness consumes me but I love it all
and that is why despite your sadness
despite your darkness
I will forever admire you
and I will pick you over and over
VOID Jan 28
He stands tall like a telephone line, energy surging through his limbs
a permanent frown on his red-tinted face
he carries guilt in his veins
the tattoos show symbols of a violent that tracks him down like a private investor
but her
she cowers softly with broad shoulder blades to carry her weight of sins
makeup caked on to bring all attention to the ill intentions in her eyes
her skin is soft but covered in fingerprints and cuts from her last lover
but there's such a bright light void of a soul that radiates through her fragile transparency
this brings out the best in him, the part that makes him crave stability
the part that strives to grow
and that's why despite all odds
the strangest love connections build
VOID Feb 2019
shoulders feel so heavy
and mind feels so clear
with you, by my side, I feel light
but your baggage becomes too heavy to lift
and I am starting to wish you could hold some of the weight
VOID Aug 2018
i always knew we would spend our lives together
but as you were reborn in the water
i knew now we can spend eternity together
VOID Aug 2018
After i ran into your arms
and i was experiencing deep mania
i went to your bathroom after we kissed for hours pretending we loved each other despite the other women in your life
i went to the bathroom staring in the mirror i opened the drawers looking for anything to end it,
manic depression is a strong drug
i was so lifted and happy i wanted to end my overwhelming emotions
living  with bipolar is difficult
VOID Oct 2018
i opened up to you
cut my wrist and bled for you
i shaved off my insecurity like my hair
leaving my bald and open nothing to hide under
everyone says you are toxic for me
yet i drink you like poison
willing to tight rope across a 20 story building to have your approval
i let you play surgeon and cut open my head and explore my brain
and i could lie and tell you i didn't enjoy you hurting me
i could tell you that you leaving was a relief
but the truth is
i loved the taste of my blood when you hit me
i enjoyed the color on my finger nails you pulled off
and you stole the best parts of me
and put them in a treasure chest
you kept my soul in a cage
yet i sing for you in a caged bird
you painted over my colors with black and white
but i changed my favorite color to grey for you
VOID Mar 2019
He told me I am beautiful
as my hair is chaos in a loose bun
acne scars on my cheeks like tattoos
sweat pants that smell and look slept in
but he still admires me
VOID Oct 2018
please don't leave me he screamed with tears swelling in his eyes
i will do anything for you to come home with me
and i walked away
just like he walked out of our relationship a year ago
you were my first love he pleads
but i have to leave
i have big things waiting for me
VOID Jan 2019
I get called beautiful in the halls and I smile, but why?
do I depend so much on the thought of someone admiring me
when will I start to admire my own beauty when Will I look at myself with those desperate nervous eyes?
maybe we don't think we are beautiful because we know beyond the surface kids in the halls that call you beautiful don't even know your name.
VOID Jan 2019
Black on black
my ripped jeans match my hair and some people have a problem with the dark appearance
I dress as if I listen to johnny cash in my earbuds I stole from Walmart
I drape myself in the darkest of darks for unknown reasons
with black nails, I dig into your back and get no complaints
but when I match my leggings with my black boots that are unironically the same color as my shirt that matches with my hair and eyeliner I get told I overdo it with the dark clothing
VOID Jan 2019
I do not recall all the details from last night
I wish I did.
I only feel the presence of something dark and scary
but I do not know what it was.
I remember the feeling of fear
and when I got home I knew I needed a shower,
my brain on autopilot
my mind in fear
I wish someone knew what happened
so they can let me know
VOID Aug 2018
I don't know where you stand with God, maybe you haven't spoke to him since the last time we brought you to church. or maybe you pray everyday to him but whatever the case is He loves you and he has forgiven you for everything, and we still love you and i forgave you for your mistakes will you forgive me for mine?
VOID Aug 2017
I am sorry that you need saving
I want to help
But helping you would be losing me
The more I care for you the less I care for myself
I can't lose myself anymore
I am trying to get rid of you
Nor get ****** into your addiction
I feel bad for leaving as Quickly as I did
Because you needed me
But I needed myself more
VOID Aug 2018
I can't believe that next week i will see you again
we will be face to face again
able to say what's on our mind
we will sit on the couch we first made love on that fourth of july
we will eat at the same dinner table we used to sit and share meals with my family and talk about our future plans
we will lay under the same roof we shared all of our first : first kiss, first i love you, first lustful interactions, first goodbyes, first everything
we will be together again, not like romantically but we will be close again
that's all i have been praying for since we split
VOID Aug 2018
I have dated so many types of boys
The ****
The stoner
The jesus freak
The *******
But none of them has ever treated me as good as you
But nobody ever treated me so low either
All good things have their flip side
All evil things hide in the innocent places
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