Spring:
She will blossom here
once in every other year,
ushering Him in.

Summer:
The blazing sun's rays,
whip angry marks on man's back
whilst he looks for shade.

Fall:
In her last leap she
crumples down, skin turns from green
to brown. She's ending.

Winter*:
White dusting her cheeks,
encasing her in a tomb
no one can escape.

After holding a conversation like you hold your liquor,
I realize that I am nothing,
Just an empty silhouette that stands before you,
I write this for my own self-fulfillment,
Break my bones and I will feel the same,
These days I feel like something on a string,
The way you parade me around and call me every name but my own,
I've got a lot of nothing, if I ever had anything.

With honesty
hiding under that
Big breathe filling both cheeks
That you can’t seem to
Fully exhale through
Tucked between
Two shaking hands
As you realize
Your power
To change the world

With vulnerability,
Just behind that
Wall Of fear that you can
Unlock
By meeting someone eyes
And simply letting them
Love you.
It’s there
In that moment
Of admittance You're not
Invincible
And allow a
Loving hand
To help guide you
Through

With Forgiveness,
Of the woman
Who told you
You couldn’t,
The dad
That chose alcohol
Over you,
The girl
In middle school
That had you hiding
In the bathroom stall
Crying to your mom

With Christ,
Who has felt
It all
Gives you
A place
Where you’ve always belonged
Of love
Courage,
And Strengrh.
Healing,
Redemption,
And understanding.

2012
the boy was like sun rays falling from a blue sky. his hair was shining blonde and flew in the wind, his eyes were the perfect blue, azure like a pure sky, tranquil like a warm sea. he was bones and skin, but knew not the weight of sin. he was on a quest for ataraxia, he was selfless, he was kind. he had wings and a halo shining above his blonde head, he was my guardian angel for a year and 2 months. he was the ambulance, he was the desire. he was the first. when the "hospital" prison gates came clamoring shut on my face, he ran far, far away. he found another shining blonde head with sky blue eyes to bury his love into. the distance was our downfall.

2013
the boy was earthy, he was brown eyed like oak trees, his veins the limbs, his heart the roots. i poisoned him with nicotine. we kept our brown eyes in the forests with polluted rivers running astray, we told our secrets with no fear. he was selfish, he was keen on his own way. he could not see past his own eyes. brown and murky was his world, diseased ones followed him home. he tried. i tried. we failed.

My biggest hope,
collides with my greatest love,
what is there to cope,
when the realest thing you know,
is your greatest foe,
your greatest dream,
clashing with your greatest desire,
setting your soul on fire,
I just am split,
needing to think and sit,
voice getting low,
and them trying to make you feel like your the world,
but my world was building up to it,
bit by bit,
I have craved them,
but there is no going back,
because my heart doesnt know truth from fact,
I want to have it the most,
to beable to boast,
saying, "this is mine world and it will be greater than I could ever dream",
stuck inside which side to fight for and which side to lean,
I need to contemplate,
which one is right,
which one will be with me in the end of the night,
they have experienced the awesome bliss,
of someone that they always miss,
and I am just standing still,
what happens when you have to decide your thrill,
to decide your future on one or more,
there is no rhyme to help, no score,
so I just end up feeling sore,
and sad,
because I have to decide between a love I dont want to let go,
or a son or daughter I may never know.

I lay in my bed and clench my fist
Wondering why I exist
So weak but I still lift the world
My head twirls
I wanna hurl
But not in front of my girl
I wonder if she knows how weak I am
How insecure I am
How much I'm scared of losing her

Always said I hate my father
But I think that's because we're our own worst enemy

I don't know if I'll ever have heaven seen
I claim these bottles are helping me
But it's just a distraction

I sit alone as I clench my fist
Wondering why I exist
So weak but I still lift the world
I'm a clam with a pearl inside
But I refuse to show what's inside
I don't want you to know what really goes on my mind
I don't want you to know that I cry
I don't want you to know I don't lie
Making you believe my compliments I gave to you we're lies
Just so I could get inside
But I secretly hope you realize
They weren't

I fall down as I clench my fist
Wanting to fight
But I finally broke down and this image is at an end
I knew I could never win
These gloves are torn
And my poor soul can't afford more
I'm alone as I clench my fist
So weak and can no longer lift the weight

I get in my knees and pray
I don't know how to or who to but I pray

I find a high branch in the darkest part of the forest
And have the noose take my breath away
Still alone but can no longer clench my fist
Let's see if an afterlife exist
Maybe this life was worthless
And dealing with the pain was worthless
Let's see where my soul exist
My face turns purple like our favorite color
Little things like that, I pray I remember
As I go
Where do I go
I don't know
I wish I could write when I see the light
This is *goodbye

I... lied
for the first time in my life
a true lie

I regret it
and want to cleanse myself of the guilt
and this horrendous evil

This time
my lie was not a deceiving answer
I saw the pity in her eyes
and I knew that she already had her information
she was trying to confirm it
and i lied.

I. lied.

I didn't even look at her eyes
Like i usually do
I just
looked down and around

She knows
She knows
She knows

I cannot hid it
the guilt will ****** me
but the lie

oh, such a stupid one

but the way she asked me

"is everything alright?"
It made me jump
I knew it would happen
I knew she would ask me
just
not come close and whisper with sympathy

I have never lied before
and this is the last time
i will lie

the guilt is unbearable
and
I cannot keep it from her
but also
I don't want to do anything stupid
but the only way to clean this guilty
feeling off

is to tell her
I will not lie
because the sympathy and kindness
reflected in her eyes so brightly
a quasar would be dimmer

oh, this guilt
it truly is the ultimatum
The way she perked when she saw me
close enough to come bounding to me
then to say a whisper and leave

that just killed me
i wanted to break down and cry my heart out
but i couldn't
not in that place


no..