My mom grabbed my shoulder firmly and rubbed it

“that’s more like it”

with a sigh of relief

her eyes flickered my body up and down
in the reflection of the mirror

“those pants did nothing for you” she added

I looked at the pants
as they laid on the chair beside the bed
those pants that once gave me
confidence but
  
they’ve  became something I despised

not because I actually hated them  

I just hated myself

i was finally able to exhale



i was in the middle of that glass room
surrounded by the most
beautiful of flowers
one can ever imagine

I breathed in again

and it started to snow
of course outside of the glass room

and the snow trickled onto the flowers
blanketed the green grass
and the ambience was that
of a dim snowstorm

we all know it

but in between
the transition
of exhale and inhale
the outside of the glass room
turned black
and i was able to breath again

I bleached
That strand till it was blond

With every second that passed

A new identity was manifested

i tried to love my body
but my mind said no

those two were at a constant war

they hated each other

they ripped each other to shreds
so often

my heart opened
and i cried

not a typical cry

not a cry for attention
not a cry from falling on concrete
not a cry of happiness

this was chest open crying
translucent tears plastering my face

a raw real with yourself kind of cry

what if

we could just simplify things

be at peace and happy

love unnecessarily to those who need it
and to those who don’t necessarily
deserve it

look at the bright side of things

enjoy sunsets and sunrises

be grateful for the air we breath even if it’s
not the exact air we want

judge nothing but the flaws in ourselves
and work on them

look in the mirror and see ourselves
not the person we want others to see ourselves as

fight less and talk more

eat foods that make our body smile
and one’s that make our hearts too

sing to ourselves and the world
about happiness

a concept about a world
possible but not

‘runt’

i’ll never get over it

‘you shouldn’t say that mom..’

‘well she is.’

stings & burns
on my whole heart

my whole heart
shattered to pieces by a few words

‘that really hurts to hear you say that mom.’

she shrugs
& brushes me off like a piece of lint
i look at the lint
feeling like I got punched in the gut

i walk away
to my dark bedroom
slamming my head to into my pillow
crying my eyes out
till I have a migraine for the rest of the night
leaving my self value
in the hands of the woman
who made me

i read this poem that said

when you feel yourself falling in love
to let yourself fall

we don’t experience it often
so embrace it

enjoy it

and from that day I did. when love came to me, i truly let myself fall in love. in every way.

I let my thoughts wander to you daily and you started to lived in them. You became an occupant in my brain. You made my existence feel lighter. you being there was…it was so real, I was there. i felt it.

but

just like that something happened. I don’t know when it did but the days of smiling on my daily car rides, turned drives consisting of only silent tears. when sound sleep turned to one maybe two hours of sleep. but it did. and just when I thought I forgot the pain you caused me, I feel it all over again. i cry at work, in my car, in my bed, in the shower, the river of tears doesn’t have an end. you destroyed me in the softest way and i feel that pain everywhere and all the time.

so the next time someone advises you to experience love, don’t listen.

there’s so many things
so little time
so much hate
so little love
so much responsibilities
so little leisure
and so on and so forth

Have you ever heard yellow words before? They are so bright you just want them to yourself. To surround yourself with yellow words is the epitome of warmth. Say more yellow words and softness will enter people’s minds. Yellow words.

i’m only loved

when convenient

it makes my insides churn
with sadness
and hollowness

knowing that nobody will love me
truly

only when it’s convenient

i closed my eyes

and there i was

all
alone

in the blink of an eye

everything was white
and i was warm
and i could hear singing

it was a strange place
but a comforting place

a….
familiar place

i kissed your

cheeks

lips

neck

hands

but you burned my lips

with the tiny vibrations from your throat

my shriveled lips
and teary eyes were all that was left

I fell
And felt

And fell a little
More and felt a little more

So far down I fell
And so fast I went

In the deep blue
Vast and unknown

I knew what
Happened at the bottom

But I fell harder
And faster than ever before

At the possibility
That I didn’t know what would
Happen

But it did happen
Just like I thought

I looked in your eyes for something
honestly don’t know what for


but those eyes were blank

and they told me

“what are you looking at?”

with a scoff and harshness

i emptied the pennies on the table

they clanked abruptly against the auburn stained wood table


they did eventually settle

“Ok, I think we can get out of this place.”

We will without doubt struggle but not more than we already are

I nodded in absolute agreement with my sister

“We’re getting out of here.” I whispered

spooky season

a simple time for fun

turned out to be the nightmare it should have been

my trauma is not valid
because others have been through worse than me

Th greatest tragedy

is that someone who has been loved
denies it

Dear Dead Poet,

I read your poem to my class today.
They didn’t understand it.

I felt bad because they probably won’t ever think about the words that I read them again. Not ever

Maybe they will when the face the challenges you & I have. They’ll think about your words then.

But I wish they would listen now. I wish you were here now.

My classmates don’t understand & I doubt they ever will.

Dear Dead Poet please write me back when you can. I feel like you understand me or you are me.

Yours truly,

Dead Poet

you know what’s worse than killing yourself


failing at it

*** on friday nights
gives us purpose

when

we feel meaningless to the world

someone else occupying our space
and mind

saves us from bridges
saves me from ropes
saves the pills in their plastic
container for the one who actually needs them

i borrowed souls in my pockets
tucked them away for the jazz party
on 30th street
and my braids bounced against my scalp
as i ran to the party
and in that moment i remembered
my ancestors cried over these braids
rice grains
engrained in these braids
to find my freedom
and my children’s freedom
and their children’s freedom
but most importantly
my ancestors cried
to help the little white kids
with boats find their rhythm
in a world that was made for them
but funny my ancestors rode a boat too

i don’t know why my dangling braids and the party on 30th got me thinking this

ruffling through the white bag
i found exactly what I wanted

the chips…

my sadness craved it

defeated my mom turned to my dad and asked,

“what did we do wrong?”

He sighed

“I really don’t know.”


this is the third time i’ve heard this conversation in the past month

I look myself in the mirror and ask myself the same thing

i’m so disappointed

in my mother

you could call me an ungrateful child

but jesus

all she does is blame me
and create all these problems within me
all these doubts
i wish i could say it’s from myself
but it all goes back to her

i became who they were
so maybe they would like me

people called me a “pick me”

but all i wanted was a friend

I tried to be like them so they would accept me
but it didn’t work

blacked eyeliner

and creamed pigment under overtired eyes

curled lashes and a wand full of black hope

sprinkles of fragrance crushed the air
that smelled of a combination of the moon and the ocean

exchanged baggy pants for fitted ones to “accentuate my features”

Disappointed in the mirror at the figure reflecting back

“girl it’s ‘hot girl summer,’ don’t get caught up with these ******.”

i understood but that statements was blanketed with unhappiness and insecurity. wanting to have fun but sacrificing so much for it. like drugs and war. we fought for drugs in the wrong places.

i walked on the water
in the midst of a gloomy cloud

i walked only but a few steps
to my rock

my getaway and my peace

I sat there waiting for the storm surrounding
me
to pass by

it was beautiful

i often visit this place

I got a feeling

This

This
Feeling


In my stomach

A desire unlike I’ve ever felt before
For you

i’d like to think

there is more to me then the surface
that I can bring joy to lives

I blame others for not willing to try
to meet my deeper person

when my deeper person doesn’t
want to meet others

Why she smiles
Heres the story

She smiles
To make those
Who hurt her
Wonder why
She is

She smiles
To convince
Herself life
Isnt that bad

She smiles
To keep
From sleepless nights

She smiles
To prove
She is happy
When she is not

She smiles
To keep
From darkness
Staining her mind

This
stupid
Beautiful
Vain
Concieded
Crazy
Sensitive
Easy
Weird
Quiet­
Shy
Loud
Annoying
Clingy

Smiley girl

my pen slide

and my heart poured out

it literally poured out

why don’t you believe me
i’m a genuine person

at least i try to be

you
you
you just don’t get me

i sank deep into the chair
that now feels like my home

hours of being told what is wrong with me

by hour one i’m
reminded of every single fault

by hour two i wonder what my purpose for being here is-
my existence

by hour three i try to swim to my private sanctuary the one i’ve created in my mind for a brief second to attempt to escape the chaos
only to be dragged back to reality and told that the face i’m making is disrespectful

by hour four i’m at dinner with friends trying to smile and act like life isn’t so bad

by next week the cycle repeats

I saw the etching from miles away

Something you pick up right away

Long lines like your waiting for them to release the newest phone

My heart sank

Those scars on her arm
I wanted to tell her everything would be ok
That things got better

But those scars were old and long healed

i looked up to the stars
hoping they would bring me the peace i earned to have

but it didn’t work

the tears jumped out
against my will

they flowed
for what felt like an eternity
and the empty, ugly felling in my stomach
formed so prominently

i’m never going to know love
i’m not worthy of it

I can’t help but think of you
your my inspiration

i don’t think i’m yours

but you don’t even know your mine so
how could i know
if i’m yours

when your a kid
you think your parents can do no wrong

then you grow up and see
that they do the most wrong

I was stuck in the bubble
I kept screaming at the people around me

but

they couldn’t hear or even see me
I was like the wind
invisible and quiet

but

I caused a tornado

I picked up a photo from my childhood. It was of me and my sister. We were in our little jackets, smiling and giggling. We we’re definitely high off of sugar, always. I saw happiness and innocence in their faces, a type of radiance only kids carry because of their ignorance. They don’t see anything except their own little world. I wished I lived there again. Even for a day, to bask in the pride of my mother before she lost it because now she is only ever disappointed. To easily make friends minus the social anxiety. To walk confidently without wondering if I look too fat or chubby in my jeans, or if my ***** look saggy. To eat food carefree without a second thought. To play in the snow and not wonder if my hair will be ruined. To have a crush and think I actually have a chance. To dance my heart out as if I no one was watching.

These are the things I could go back to. The times people say to savor. The ignorance.

you fight fire

with lighter fluid

something i’ve never seen

you expect the fire to go away
but it grows and grows

then you blame the fire for it growing

i read that book
about flowers and the moon
i don’t remember
but what i do remember is that
a lot of people don’t love me
their just insecure and see their
insecurities in me

and that



that made me feel more lonely than
ever before

I reached into my hallow
jean pocket
the rough interior
brushed against my knuckles

I searched for my silver key
but couldn’t find it

a ripple of fear surged from my chest  
and formed a pit in the middle of my stomach

‘where is my key?!! WHERE IS MY KEY!!!??’
I internally screamed

i am not

the girl you fall in love with at first sight

i am  

the girl who you see behind her beautiful friend

i am not

the girl who gets numbers written on the side of her coffee cup from the cute barista

i am

the girl who boys use to get to my pretty friends

i am not

the skinny girl with a big **** and perfect curves

i am

the girl with disproportionately big *****

i am not

a super organized and color coordinated

i am

the girl who has fly always and a messy purse


i am not that girl
and i will never be her
i don’t know what i am
but i know it will never be enough

i dragged my feet through the thickest of mud
i scaled the highest of mountains
i’ve starved for weeks on end
i’ve been naked to the the point where i didn’t know i was naked

this battle

all for the approval of someone who will never give it to me

someone who created me, not by chose

Each wrapper

Each piece of clothing

Each stain on my suede chairs

Each empty deodorant bottle

Each pair of lashes on the dashboard


All these things compiled into my tiny space
So evident of what’s within
My soul

I froze

I didn’t know what to do

my inner monologue said,
‘if you go, you die. if you don’t go, you die.’

what the least painful
route to go