I reached into my hallow
jean pocket
the rough interior
brushed against my knuckles

I searched for my silver key
but couldn’t find it

a ripple of fear surged from my chest  
and formed a pit in the middle of my stomach

‘where is my key?!! WHERE IS MY KEY!!!??’
I internally screamed

i am not

the girl you fall in love with at first sight

i am  

the girl who you see behind her beautiful friend

i am not

the girl who gets numbers written on the side of her coffee cup from the cute barista

i am

the girl who boys use to get to my pretty friends

i am not

the skinny girl with a big **** and perfect curves

i am

the girl with disproportionately big *****

i am not

a super organized and color coordinated

i am

the girl who has fly always and a messy purse


i am not that girl
and i will never be her
i don’t know what i am
but i know it will never be enough

i dragged my feet through the thickest of mud
i scaled the highest of mountains
i’ve starved for weeks on end
i’ve been naked to the the point where i didn’t know i was naked

this battle

all for the approval of someone who will never give it to me

someone who created me, not by chose

Each wrapper

Each piece of clothing

Each stain on my suede chairs

Each empty deodorant bottle

Each pair of lashes on the dashboard


All these things compiled into my tiny space
So evident of what’s within
My soul

I froze

I didn’t know what to do

my inner monologue said,
‘if you go, you die. if you don’t go, you die.’

what the least painful
route to go

the middle ground
between
war & peace

is reality

i took the creamy crayon and swiped my face with it. i took the black wand and made my lashes look longer. i tilted my head back to see if my makeup needed adjusting, it didn’t. i thought i looked like the prettiest girl in the world, and for a second I was.

you invited me out, and i kept checking to make sure i looked good in my driver side mirror. i was so excited to see you, i really was. all i could think about was seeing you and being with you.

when i got there i saw you standing there but you couldn’t be bothered to notice me. i was invisible, but that’s ok i had but just got there. i waited but you never came, but that’s ok i’m not high maintenance i don’t need you around all the time.

i saw that girl i thought you liked a long time ago, it was never confirmed or denied. she was there but i thought she was with a guy who was also there. i’m not sure, but i’m not sure at what point it happened but a knot was starting to form in my stomach.

we decided to go to volleyball courts. me and some girls I just met. i saw you standing next to her and you seemed captivated by her. i understood. she is very beautiful, way more than I was & people love her too.  

i saw her hop in your car and you actually drove her to her car. that was nice. a boy has never done that for me.

you didn’t say goodbye when u left the plans you invited me too. but that’s ok really i understand.

Kids these days
Are not loyal
All they like to do is quarrel

I have no friends
Dont feel bad
It only makes me a little sad

These jaded puzzle pieces
We are only human
Leads some to ruin

I try to ignore and be patient
I would want forgiveness too
But sometimes your words and actions
Just make me so blue

I thought you were my friend
I guess i was wrong
Its easy to preach what is in a song

As i cry myself to sleep
Ill try to ignore the pain
And i guess not be so vain

there’s something wrong with you

you should talk to someone, seriously

what’s wrong with you

your a runt

what u have to say does not matter

you should see a therapist

i wanted the classic

“good morning”

i didn’t want money
i didn’t want anything extraordinary

i wanted the classic

“i love you”

i wanted loyalty and trust

i wanted to be wanted


but that is too much

full of color
but originating from

love
pain
infatuation
loss
trauma
frustration
distraction
lusting

poetry is a one of a kind art
unlike anything that draws what the
mind can’t put into a picture

The sign to my garden
in bright letters said
"DO NOT ENTER"
But you obviously
couldn't read
You entered
and ruined the flowers
I worked so hard to grow

I got used to the feeling

of being loved

because that’s what that random magazine I found online told me I have to do in order to receive it

it’s always easier
to yell

the

words chew you up
spit you out
and let you dry up

they let you
turn into concrete

and get run over and over and over and over
by cars

the concrete
eventually
gets *** holes
and withers away

but that’s easier

i stepped out into the dark pavement
of a now dark, but very alive city

i hear the horns and sirens stinging the background

before continuing any further

i look around to see if anyone is following me
or notices me

they don’t
but i like it better that way

and I plug my earphones in

Under my stomach
laid this burden
and it lessened but never ever went away

that burden I think we all carry we just don’t acknowledge

i saw you
and my lips parted

my stomach immediately-

and i mean immediately
started to shuffle

a million nerves worked there way
up and down
my entire body

i’m excited and nervous and calm

this is what you do to me
and i wonder if i do the same to you
because

wow
i like you

and it’s hard to admit that

admit that
to
myself

but really
i like you

and i have no control over it anymore

i think about you all the time

when i’m working
when i’m sleeping
when i’m combing my hair

constantly

i borrowed souls in my pockets
tucked them away for the jazz party
on 30th street
and my braids bounced against my scalp
as i ran to the party
and i remembered
my ancestors cried over these braids
rice grains
engrained in these braids
to find my freedom
and my children’s freedom
and their children’s freedom
but most importantly
my ancestors cried
to help the little white kids
with boats find their rhythm
in a world that was made for them
and their case of white claws
but funny my ancestors rode a boat too

so wish i could read my mom the poems
i’ve written about her

maybe it would bridge the gap between us

come to an understanding

because she doesn’t understand me

nor i her

all i ever do is want her to understand me
but she takes it defensively

it’s extremely numbing and heartbreaking

I met you
and not to be dramatic
in the age where people don’t like each other
but I think I like you

in a way that feels comfortable
a knowing feeling

like a deep sigh of relief
like I knew you in a past life
and my soul is ready to reconnect with yours

i always sit in this white room alone
isolated
thinking of how i’m always trying
to do good
but the lives of those who hurt me are
better off than mine

for some reason I just think i’m not
meant to be here
i don’t belong
and i never have
and i never will

I opened my white closet door

the only light coming from the sleepy sun

it was 5 o’clock in the evening
and the sun was slowly gliding down my
singular gray wall

it was serene

but it’s fleeting presence made itself known to my face and onto my newly exposed clothes

I shuffled quickly through those now orange
tinted clothes
flipping over dresses and skirts

desperately

searching for my favorite hoodie

the green one with the white letters
I bought in OBX the previous summer

a classic


But I couldn’t find it
and the suns orange light was quickly slipping away

And then it was gone

has your worth
every been defined by a pair of lurking eyes
from someone you love?

they don’t realize
how much the cruel statements
sting my inner soul

not being judged by my character
but rather by the rolls on my stomach

it stings my heart
makes my heart swell with shame and resentment

it makes me instantly reject the body i’ve climbed
mountains to try and love

it makes me reject
myself as a whole

stop shaming me and just tell me i’m pretty for once
please

I layer looking at the textured ceilings
the roof my parents worked to provide for me

laying in the blankets the bought to kept me warm
with my belly full of food that gives me life

Everything serene

except my mind
My mind is tortured and restless

Never good enough
Eating too much
Not pretty enough
Lack of friends
Rarely successful

These are the things planted in my mind
But having material things should be
enough to be happy

So I guess I am

i sat in that mirror

man i stared for a long time

at a girl who’s fought her life

against herself

fighting for this person
that already existed

i thought about younger me

if i could go back in time to tell
her how beautiful she was

that all her battles
she had won

how her hair grew out beautifully
after that bad perm

how she’d grown into someone
who people liked

how she had grown into someone
she liked

all that struggle wasn’t easy
but she won

so as i stared
i thought of
future me
selfishly

telling my current me
everything will work out

you will overcome your struggles

you will grow

you will become someone you love

you don’t have to starve yourself
of opportunity because you created it

love yourself gabbi

She opened
A new
Book

And looked for answers in herself

She searched
And searched

All the

E
M
P
T
Y

Pages stared back

I write this
poem

my love

in hopes that you do better

your lost right now
and I hope

no

I pray with every bone in my
small body that you find what your looking for

that thing you
couldn’t find in me

although I know you tried
and I pray you would have

I love u mi amor
te amo mucho

my love

they say the grass is always greener on the other side

I say, ‘while I think my side looks brown, I will water it till it’s green’

and that’s

that’s something I look forward to doing everyday

i’ve been ghosted
way too many times

by guys who didn’t deserve my time
and my energy

i’ve been told i lack
so many things

i’ve been vulnerable
and it was pinned against me

all of these guys

The devil danced
and God blessed him

The angel flew to the ends of the earth
and God scorned him

The devil laughed
and God laughed with him

The angel sought Gods approval
and God became angry

All these things happening on
the edge of Jupiter's rings

The devil and the angel
riding on the edge of
Jupiter's rings

The world is full of sad people

that’s why it is the way it is

The grey cloud
Stretched the entirety of my
Visible world  
          

Vacant earth tears made
Themselves known to
My window

I’ll never forget that look of pain—
stained in my mind,
like bleach on black cotton

The unbearable depth of your eyes
imparted that anguish
straight into my soul

Being told your opinion

is invalid

is the single handed most
degrading
feeling in the world

-my 5 mile long tears

you never know how much
you truly suffer

until you’ve caused your
own sufferings

i’m struggling to piece together the words
to say to you but
you keep taking the pieces out of my hand

I can’t figure out what to say because you won’t let me say it

i asked
this question with not a lick of malice on my tongue,

“why don’t you ever look for me or anyone else in this family”

and was met with,

“did i do something to you? is there a problem?”

exasperated and stunned

One can only hope for a love

So bright

Like
Annabel lee
And the kingdom by the sea

Robbed of their joy
So prematurely

I spelled your name out
in the letters of my soup

Hoping the universe could tell
I wanted you back

I ate the first letter
then the next
and so on

You lived in my head
free of charge

And you know what I miss the most about you

Your name

You told me to meet you there

                      Under my sheets

Circulating my breath

                        In and Out

You said something to me

                        Some words

They made my heart race

                        The glow from my phone

Evident on the walls of my room

                          Talking to you

Telling me to meet you there

Matte feelings
She craved matte feelings
Excluded from the world
Shielded from emotion

What was it like
To be happy
To have it all

The foggy rain
Without a paradise
Is all she knew

She had come to
Love it
Too much

The swan perched its calm head
Above the dewy pond
To show it was there

The other swan fluttered
It’s wings wider
And the sun gazed on her

The perching swan sighed

The other swan sung
It’s enticing song

And the perched swan
Swam away with the widest of wings
The most beautiful voice

But

No one saw her until the other swan
Went away

And the dewy pond cleared up

i slide down the blue plastic chair
in my denim shorts that reached my mid thigh

the bare part of my thighs skidded against the now body temperature chair
as I slide down

I rubbed my eyes-

part out of boredom and part out of tiredness

once the stars from where I just rubbed my eyes disappeared
I leaned forward
and I picked up my yellow number two pencil

filling in the dot carefully
sure not to streak outside of it

I knew that if I did I could get the answer wrong or it wouldn’t process
and that couldn’t happen

you won

your words won

they tore my soul to shreds and I don’t think i’ll be able to put them back together

ever

my incompetence

I’m sorry

I asked a simple question

“Can I die for you?”

I received a long and hard stare back

“No.”

I thought about that answer for a long time with the goal of forgiving you. Forgiving you for not loving me, never loving me. Forgiving myself for letting my love grow too much. I wanted to die for you, so you could live. But love doesn’t work like that, I guessed.

“Why?”

His reply;

“I’m already dead.”

a million times
you stepped on my chest
and i just laid there

that deep pain in my chest

i’m sorry
you had to experience that

that crippling pain

in the middle of a museum

stood a little glass figurine
with a beautiful face
unconventionally beautiful

the artist sculptured her
after the one whom he loved the most

but
out of all the figurines and art

nobody ever admired her
or took pictures of her

at night when nobody was around
she cried
still as an anything
with little salty sea glass tears
running down her beautiful face