It's 2 a.m.here in Calgary,
I'm sitting on my bed thinking,
I have an English quiz today,
I studied for it,
But of course my anxiety has to come along,
I'm thinking of all the possible outcomes and future of either passing or failing the test,
The numbers so far 5:129
(No don't worry the 129 is the failure side, I told you so that you don't have to ask which ones which),
It's 2 a.m. and I have come up with 134 possible outcomes of this test and my parents make me take sleeping pills that I dump in the toilet,
I drink a lot of coffee and energy drinks,
But I'm still thinking tossing and turning physically and mentally,
Then you wonder why do you have to continue this way,
Then this depression thing comes in and makes my anxiety worse,
Causing a melt down.

It's 2:01 a.m.

I walk around aimlessly,
Thinking,
"What have I done"
I wonder about,
"What am I now"
As I button my pants up,
"What will I say"
As I look at her,
"I hope she forgives me"
I try to clean up the blood,
"O dear god "
I'm crying as there's a knock at the door,
"Who is it"
I asked in rapid short breaths,
"It's the police, now open up"
I look around and see my escape,
"If you don't unlock this door we'll come in by force"
I run towards the window at full speed,
"1"
I trip over the body,
"2"
Ugh like this day can't get any worse,
"3"
I get back up and run towards the window,
"4"
Crash,
"5"
I'm floating as the railing spins me tearing off limbs every stairwell I hit,
"I think he's jumped sir"
Splat,
At least I won't have to see  her face again,
She smacks me as she stands across from me,
"You  look pretty dead there old lady"
Damb it I still can't get rid of her.

We drive out through the golden fields,
She drives her truck,
With the windows open,
We listen to country,
She sings off key,
But I don't care,
I'm singing off key with her,
We laugh,
We stop at a diner,
The waiter who calls me "hon" thinks we're cute together,
We share a milkshake,
It's strawberry,
I blow bubbles in it,
She giggles,
We go to a lake,
We swim with nothing on,
We get out and  and lie in the sand,
We gaze at the stars and make new constellations,
We see shooting stars **** bye,
We fell asleep together,
We wake up with the sun,
We get dressed and drive to work,

I am alone,
My friends are the letters in this poem,
I tell them my sorrows and they repeat every word I say,
Friends are hard to come by these days,
We are all stuck,
Not me,
Words are my friends,
Words from others are my enemy,
The silence of the words I repeat in my head slowly grows,
I am truly alone with my friends,
Even words leave me in the end of every poem,

So America this is the choice you have made,
It's time about time you show the world who you really are,
Instead of making the news for being immature in your riots,
Make the world see the true face of the United States of America,
The one that got its independence on its own,
The ones who would help other peoples problems first before their own,
The ones who end the fights,
Not start them...

So grow up people,
You are the people of the United States of America,
It's time that you accept your decisions,
Rather than kicking and screaming uselessly,
Be proud of what ever,
Be responsible,
Be mature,
Be the America that the rest of the world respects,
Be the pride that the world bows down too,
Be the American dream,
If you don't like someone,
You don't try to kick and scream hoping they will go away,
You talk it over,
Accept your choices,

We hear Donald Trump might become president,
And we thought we had it bad when we voted for Justin Trudeau.

When the U.S. Bought Alaska we were happy we didn't have to be the biggest country in the world.

If Donald Trump wins we have tons of room, and ****.

You guys legalized gay marriage, you  guys are great at simon says.

We are surprised still no one has tried to throw a nuclear missile yet at you, since you do stick yours up everybody else's ***.

If Donald Trump wins he should visit Canada and find out what multiculturalism is, if that's not to big of a word for his mind.

O and let's not forget multi religious, free health care, (and not just for the middle class)
Big *** guns that can **** people are illegal, and our gun regulations actually work.
We actually invest in things other than our military.
That have their ***** in other people's country that the U.S. Just "legally" gets and begins to dictate stuff. They "own" 3/4 of the earth.
So that's why the United States Of America is $34 trillion in glorious debt.

Society ignores the messages that people bring up, the protesters, the entrepreneurs, the conservationists, and the inventors, who try to fix our mistakes. We do it because we are afraid to hear that our tiny little perfect world, that we worked so hard to make perfect, is not so perfect after all. So we ignore it, we block it out, and we go on with our perfect world, ignoring reality.
We ignore the messages of hunger, of poverty, of genocide, of war, of economy, of religion, of disasters, and of relationships, because it shakes our tiny little worlds

We are dying, the world is ending...
The fact is inevitable, yet we pretend that it will never end, we think that nothing will go wrong in our lives, so we ignore the warning signs. We ignore the amounting number of wild fires that burn our neighbourhoods, the ever steady rise in temperature, the ever increasing number of deaths in natural disasters due to our populations. I'm not a "SAVE THE EARTH, SAVE YOURSELVES" person, I just think that we have to wake up from our perfect little dream societies, and at least accept that accidents are imminent and that we don't just do something after the event has happened, but be prepared before it happens so that more people don't have to die from unpreparedness that was at the fault of our governments ignorance towards something that may only happen once.

After hurricane Katrina struck the U.S. Government spent billions on hurricane prevention in that affected area, while the rest of the coasts of the U.S. Stand vulnerable and naked to even the smallest of hurricanes.

Another example is mount Helena in Yoho National Park, we know that anywhere from tomorrow to fifty years that she will erupt. But as the world does everything but pay attention to it, there are unknown scientists taking measurements of the volcanic activity and becoming more anxious by the minute trying to save the uncaring world that live below the mountain.

There are hundreds of examples that I could rant on about, but no one wants to hear it because it conflicts with their tiny little perfect worlds.

I go to work and I have had a good day so far, I’m on the bus,
Then it happens,
I think to myself,
        -Hopefully work will be the same, I have a lot of stuff to do. I hope I’m  going to make it on time.

I know I will because I knew I would get anxiety from not being on time,
        -I’m going to be late and my boss is going to hate me.

My breathing starts to become shallow,
My stomach starts to clench,
       -I wonder if my boss thinks I’m a failure in his eyes?

My stomach begins to hurt, Yet I continue to think deeper,
       -I hope that my boss won’t fire me as soon as he finds someone better.

I smoke cigarettes to get my mind to fuzz,
       -I wonder if he hates me?

The pain from my stomach becomes excruciating,
      -I think my coworkers think I’m slow.

I try to hide the pain to keep some pride,
      -Why are all the people on the bus sitting at the front, am I scaring them?

My breathing becomes very shallow and I forget to breath,
       -I need to get all of my assignments done soon.

I become angry at myself and I get off the bus,
      -This isn’t my stop, I’m going to late.

My hands are shaking as I am bent over in pain trying to light my cigarette,

One puff,
      -I’m going to be late

Two puffs,
      -I’m going to be late

Three puffs,
      -I’m going to be late

Four puffs,
      Relief

I don't want praise,
I don't want pity,
I don't want money,
I don't want shame,
I don't want victory,
I don't want to be accepted,
I just want to be appropriated.

Art is for thy to do,
It is for thy to see,
I do not hear the coos and boos of critics with their opinions,
I hear but the praise,
The ideas of others whom see the way I see.

This is a project that I had to do at school, it's not a poem but I just wanted people to read it...


          A wise oak lazily wrestles with the wind disregarding its breathy efforts. The tree sits atop a hill looking over a dark golden field, overhead the oak lay the endless universe, while an aurora borealis streaks the earth with an endless luminescent light. The wise oak shimmers with streaks of purple, green, yellow, and red hues as they dance on its leaves. I walk toward the oak blanketed in darkness except for the colours that flow across me. As I walk through the field slowly awed by the living light that has bathed the dull world, I can’t help but touch the soft ripe wheat as it tickles my palm. When I reach the tree it sways softly in the wind, the leaves rustle trying to softly speak silent words of wisdom. I lie down in the cool soft grass and look up at the sky through the leafless patches of the tree, I can see the stars that paint the blackness of the universe and the aurora borealis as it brings the sky to life. I stare for a while and I feel as if I stay long enough the tree will speak to me with great words of wisdom.

I found this girl,
Her name is Pardis,
Every time I say it I think of the Tardis,
But before that I just see her beautiful smile drifting casually across her face,
Her eyes shine with ideas,
She is shy,
When she talks the earth shakes,
But when she sings the earth stops to hear,
She floats around the world with an ever present glee,
She fascinates me in every way possible.

We go to the mall,
She has me try on a bra,
She asks me what cup size I am,
"10 I guess, that's my shoe size"
We laugh and the store clerk looks bewildered,
We leave empty handed but our minds filled with memories,
We feed each other sushi,
Seeing who can handle the most wasabi sauce on one sushi roll,
We laugh as we chug green tea,
The store owners look mortified,
But are pleased by the huge tip,
I lead her to a shoe store where we find the best fitting shoe of the opposition gender,
She laughs as I try to walk in stilettos,
She just wears sneakers,
I break them,
We pay the owner and don't keep them,
I had fun today,
I think she did too her eyes tell me all.

I try to be better than I am,
I try to be who you want me to be,
I try to be kind,
I try to be loyal,
I try to be a friend,
Yet you saw through what I built and now you hate what you have seen,
I try to fix it,
I try to tell you that I can change,
I try so hard to hold on to you,
But you have seen me,
You have made your decision,
My disability has filled you with distain,
You see a monster and only the monster,
I try to bring up the past,
I try to erase your vision of me,
I try so hard to be with someone “normal”,
But you have made your decision,
You ignore my calls,
You avoid me,
You have my brother tell me why you don’t want to see me,
You never had the ***** to tell it to my face,
I try so hard to be friendly,
I try so hard to be kind,
I try so hard to be outgoing,
I try so hard to be better everyday,
I try so hard to be liked,
I try and in the long run I always and will always end up lonely and hurt,

We shared everything ,
We told lies together,
Stood by each other's side,
Sometimes against us,
We understood each other without a word spoken,
We showed love for one another by being around each other,
We always took interest in others hobbies what ever it was,
We always followed each other even if it meant trouble or pain,
We were the inseparable two stooges,
We understood how each other felt,
When one needed help,
Help was less than a feeling away,
We stood up for each other,
Or made fun of them,
We laugh together,
Never shed a tear together,
We always argued always knowing the other was right,
We wrestled when ever,
Broke lots of things together,
Hung out with the same people,
Never wanted to be seen together,
But still missed each other's presence,
We say 'I love you' with '*******',

So ******* bro and I love you.

Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust,
Trust is a must,
Lust follows trust,
Cuss and fuss is all we do,
Cry and die for you,
Try not to lie to me,
Bye as you buy for yourself,
The end is here,
Cliffs soon kills me as I take my pills,
Drills to fills,
My empty useless head,
Confusion I think not,
Depression is unseeingly cold.

Thank you to all my lovely followers, you guys have liked (most) of the **** I write so thanks a lot, so far I've written 105 (not including this one) poems and such... Anyway I am going to be going back to my creative thinking block once again.

To the United Nations,

With your endless proclamations,

You leave endless wrecks,

And endless paycheques,

You with your fixations of peace.

My sister tells me my mom hits her when no ones around,
It's her way of expressing how she feels,
My sister was the "surprise" of the family,
And the punching bag to my mother who uses her as an outlet of her inability to understand her daughter,
How can I do something to stop her,
Yet alone say something to stand up for even myself,
I feel like a ****** tiny *** shield that's absolutely useless for protection,
I try to stand up for my sister,
Try to save her from her ever collapsing mind of depression,
While my parents try to invade her mind with religious propaganda,
I feel like a crutch for my sister that's to short but still supports her enough for her to carry on another day,
I don't talk to her about much,
She just needs someone there while she listens to TØP, FOB, BVB, MCR, etc.
While reciting every single verse by heart shaking from the emotion of the songs,
I'm not that brother who sits there and nods my head pretending to listen to bands she's trying to get me to remember,
I'm the brother who would rather remember the names of every band member of every band she trying to get me to remember,
Rather than have her sitting alone in her room having an anxiety attack wondering and thinking about everything,

I might not be as smart as her,
Or even close to understanding her,
But the one thing I get from me being her big brother is when she needs me,
Even if it's for some stupid reason,
There is nothing,
Absolutely nothing that would stop me from being there for her,

I act normal in society,

He's making a fool of himself,

I am mature,

He talks like a 5 year old,

I act like I'm 18,

His phycological status puts him at a functioning age of at the most 12,

To be truthful I am what I am and 18 is what I am not.

Creativity is subject to those who dare to try,
In the activity of the legal and the inactivity of the illegal,
Creativity is tested through the vitality of the object,
Lest it be by god's creativity the object is not tested through the vitality but yet by its beauty.

I want to be a cook,
Not like those ones who follow recipes,
But a culinary artist,
I want to feed a persons eyes full,
With colours,
And designs that would fill their hungry eyes,


Yet I can't graduate high school,
I lack motivation,
I crack under pressure,
I'm passive aggressive,
What can I possibly be if I lack the skills to my dreams

Get rid of them all,
We do not need these vermin with their rituals and ceremonies,
Pish posh their just a waste of money,
We spend our dollars to "conserve" culture,
Why,
When we have pride in our own,
Throw the beasts out,
Let us alone rot in our culture,
While the world prospers and grows relations,
We promote our culture with pride,
Ensuring we establish our culture in the minds of all,
Abolishing the infection that reeks the minds of all who are not U.S.

I talk to a girl,
She's beautiful,
We hangout for a while,
I ask if she wants to go out,

She stares at me,
I stare into her dazzling eyes trying to get a message,
She gets up and walks away...

Why do I try

We as humans are terrified of dying,
We create an imaginary world where we defy death, where we don't die,
Yes our bodies may not exist anymore but we still live, because we as humans will never believe that we can die. We create "religions" we have a "hope" that we can live forever. But why? Why can't we just accept that we will be buried in a 6ft hole in the ground and nothing else will happen? Because it's a human survival instinct, our brains tell us "what ever the cost you must not die" so when we do really die we believe that we are still alive. Other people also  think that we are in "heaven". This I find fascinating in a phycological and theological aspect due to the fact that not only are you able to perceive the religious aspects behind death, but the phycological toll that a person grieving experiences.
When you ask a person of a religious belief what death is to them, 9/10 of the people asked, responded with words very similar to each other. These descriptions describe a sort of afterlife "the denial of death" these questions were asked to many people with different cultural and religious beliefs. But to define death is like defining religion itself.

I have told you of the delema I face with my mother and sister, in the perspective of my sister.
My mother is drawing near to the brink of suicidal thoughts,
All due to the conflictions with my sister, I continuesly blamed my mother, not knowing, not wanting to know my sisters role as the whipper to the whipped was.   But I am at a crossroads, I believe my sister, I believe my mother, but to fight for each other's approval is absurd.
The thing is that I am a person who strives to make things better, no matter the cost or the probability of success.
Right now the war at the peak,
My mother is praying to her god that she be hit by a semi.
While my sister revolts against society and destroys her future.
While I sit here uselessly in between the both of them pulling them away from the bridge of suicide.

***** life and all its pain,
I try to grasp life by its mane,
I want to be lane on a slab,
Just don't tell my mother Jane,

I look in the mirror and see happiness drain,
As if all the effort I put into it is was vain,

I cry as I remember why I crane my neck,
I look at the train as it is in front of me.

Depression kills,
Depression fills my mind like torture,
Thrills and trills do not woe me,
For depression kills and fills my mind like torture.

When I die I want to have one of those really sad funerals,
I heard and seen many different burials,
I want a casket,
I want people to dress in suits that are black,
Anyone who doesn't have one,
Buy one for them,
I want everyone here for my funeral,
I want the whole city to come and see,
I want the whole country to come and see,
I want the whole world to come and see,
But at my funeral it will be just me,
Dead,
Alone,

Isn't stupid how we walk around like we deserve everything,
We deserve to have food,
We deserve to be rich,
But do we deserve to starve,
Do we deserve to be poor,
Do we deserve to have addictions,
Do we deserve to have racial minority,
Do we deserve to have war,
Do we deserve to become sick,
Do we deserve to be "damaged"
Do we deserve to die,
Do we deserve to live while others die,
Do we deserve everything?
Do we really want to deserve everything.

I sit here wearing my perfection suit,
Crying for no understandable reason,
But society doesn't see this,
I cry behind my suit,
Inside my secret world,
In a deserted island,
With shores so high there is no rocket that could reach the land,
With an impenetrable castle,
Inside a small room in the centre,
I sit here hidden from society and I cry,

I cry scared of the judgements filled into my tiny ****** life,
I get up wondering why,
I go to bed staying awake digging a hole of thought to tomorrow,

"But you don't have depression" They convince me for another day,
I'll stay up tonight drawing blood with a pencil,
Writing down my imperfections on my skin,,
If my parents see they assume I'm just copying the rest of society,

So I try to wear my perfection suit,
I'm finding it hard when thoughts are everywhere,
Even with the loudest of music doesn't work anymore,

Bridges scare me now every time I step on one my gears in my head start spinning,
I throw up over the railings unable to hold my emotions in,
I run home as my depression grows and begins tearing my perfection suit apart,
All of those people staring at me,
Judging me and my imperfections,

I run across the street hoping,
Empty,
I run on faster getting rid of the joy of ending it all today,
I run into my house and up to my room,
Alone,

The doctor hands me pills,
I take the bottle and as I leave I place it back on the counter,
So mush me with drugs, therapy, yoga, dance, you can't make my disease go away,
It has infected me,
I am stained with thoughts that will never go away,
So to whom ever tries to "minimize" depression,
Leave them be you only make them think deeper every time you say a word.

As I lay in my bed,
My parents scream,
I lay in my bed and ignore the things they say,
Today my parents decide,

Tomorrow the aftershocks will be felt,
But today I lay in my bed and reminisce about the past and future,
Tomorrow tears will be shed,

Fits will come out,
Counciling will be in session,
Custodies will be settled,
But not today,

I'll sit in the car as we drive,
Avoiding any form of eye contact,
I wonder if I was responsible for this,
Maybe I was,

Tomorrow I will consider it farther,
But today the family needs to be consoled,
We have to stick together,
So today I will forget about my... the thoughts in my head and consider the family.

Today I hug my sister,
Forgetting the awkwardness,
She cries,
I letting go of my pride cry with her,

We go out and just talk more,
Unable to handle the situation by ourselves,
Tomorrow we will be closer,
But today her and I just cry together,

I am so cold,
In this never forgiving earth,
Hopelessly grasping at strings that dangle from the cliff of life,
I am cold up here,
The sun beats down on me relentlessly,
But I am still cold,
I am asked to stand up straight and be happy as I dangle,
I am scrutinized,
I slip a little,
My hands start to shake from the chill of on setting depression,
I try to mask it by telling myself happy things,
My hands still slipping faster,
As I reach the end of the strings I lose hope,
I feel like I am floating,
I am so happy,
But I am still so, so, so cold.

Dreams,
Dreams,
Dreams,
My escape,
My hero,
My dreams are the dreams that I dream when I sleep, when I want to escape from reality,
I dream of having dreams in my dreams I am just a man who dreams of being someone so powerful,
I wake up from my dreams a lot,
I am awoken by my mothers words

Depression is like my drug,
I indulge myself in it as I try to forget about my hopeless reality.
I am happy enough with myself to survive another day,
Maybe a week.
I love my family and their efforts,
Nut I don't understand why they keep on trying why they don't just give up,
I am no use to them all I cause is grief and war.
I do not want pity for I receive it from myself.

Don't go out,
Don't look at him,
They'll judge you,
Why do they look funny,
I think I should run,
Did I leave my car running,
I see tons of colours,
I feel like I could fly off this bridge,
I hope I do't die,
O well,
Flapping my pretty wings,
I can see the blurry ground,
Why is the ground speeding,
I should call the cops on it,

The world does not need me,
All I cause is the pain and grief of others.
People say they see a light in my eyes,
I see a light in which does not burn but dies.
People also say that I have to express what I feel,
I do not care what I feel because it does not matter what I feel.
I care in only what other people feel.

Love me,
Hate me for I do not care,
As long as you treat me fair, I said one day to a man,
"Ha!" Was what he said
"Treat you fair? We could care less about your hair."
I turned and saw a hare they petted it and treated it fair,
"Am I less then an animal?" I asked the unfair man,
His reply was,
"Yes."

I may not be fat,
But some days I pity those who are,
Eating habits,
Bad exercise,
I don't judge them for that,
I just wish that they started out better,

I am afraid of what the future holds,
There is no "live in the now"
Because that's what you do when your retired,
But as I mature in to an adult,
I find that I am afraid,
I am afraid of every single decision I make,
I am afraid of messing up,
I am afraid that there will be no one to tell me that it's okay,
I'm afraid not for what is happening,
I am afraid of what will happen.

Here my shout,
In my mind,
Hear me scream at you,
But you'll never hear,
Advocate my opinion,
But really you control it,
Hear my pleas,
You hear go on,
Hear me speak with pride,
When your not around,

Feelings are nothing then a human trait,
We all have it this is just fate,
But do you know what I truly hate,
Is the way we debate about it,

We are human but we retaliate in the fact that we all relate to one another,

Families deny and disassociate themselves from their society all over human emotions,
So as we debate our fate with "God" we ignore or at least to pretend that human feeling is just a feeling.

I'm going on a plane,
To Lviv Ukraine,
To where my life began,
To where I was forgotten,

To where I was picked up,
I'm going back not for a need to understand where I came from,

But to where it all ended,
To the place that I left behind,
To leave a gift,
For the gifted,

To cement the decision of my parents,
To understand what they saw in me,
To take me half across the world,
To take me home,

So as I stand in front of the door to the place where children shared nothing,
Let alone have anything to share,

I knock on the door and an old lady answrs,
A nun,
I try to speak to her in my deplorable Ukrainian,

But I stop and hand her a letter,
I turn and leave,
I'll know that she would be able to read it,
Because I had my dad write what I had wanted to say to her in Ukrainian,

I left her the address of the hotel I'm staying in,
A day later there's a knock at the door,
The nun walks in ,
I have difficulty understanding her,

But I record what she says to me,
After an hour she finishes talking and gets up to leave,
I ask her to stop,
I walk towards her and say,
Thank you in Ukrainian,
She starts tearing up as she heads out the door.

Flattery will not be tolerated,
I use what I have for what I need,
I do not care for the publishing ideas,
Shame on you for invading my world,
My freedom to write carelessly,
I cry at the effort to reread my works,
Unable to deter the image of pain that stains each of my poems,
So prospect me these ideas,
And I will crawl into a tiny hole in the world and never come back,
Bedazzle me with compliments,
Shower me with offers,
Pour out the praise,
Show me the door.

I stand here an imperfect plate,
Unlike everyone else I have a chip,
It's permanent and it won't go away,
The other plates don't include me from activities like running over the moon,
When someone else has a chip it's no big deal,
But when they see me they run in terror.

Why do I talk to you,
Why do I even know you,
I talk to you and you make a personality,
I look at you and you cover your eyes,
I walk with you,
Nothing,
I hate you,
There is no love,
I never did love you,