I sit here tortured by the thoughts,
I'll apologize a million times in my head,
I'll tell you once out loud,
You'll say it's fine,
But my mind digs deeper,
Thinking what I did is unforgivable,
I'll tell you that I'm sorry to many times,
The things I have done,
She says she understands,
But my mind keeps going,
She embraces me and whispers,
I love you,
I breakdown,
Maybe tomorrow will be better.

They say it takes years to establish a true friendship,
I have found a true friend,
Or at least I thought I had,

Once they see the invisible man,
Your true nature,
They will abandon you,
Their friendship with you,
Their trust in yopenness,
It will all disappear into the dust,

My friends have discovered the monster that is my cancer,
I have shared everything with them,
Then you have nothing left to share,

Now I am all but a memory,
A regret in the circle of friends.

I scrub your floors,
I dust every square centimetre,
I polish every dish,
Mop the tile with my tears,

Just for you,
I could care less about the way the tile gleams,
I could care less about the lack of dust,
There is just one purpose,

I just want to see you smile at what I have achieved for you,
Yet all I receive is a scorn of what I missed or things I forgot to do,

As the world spins around me,
You float towards me and you hold my hand,
I pause as my world comes to a halt and I turn to look at you,
Our worlds stand still as the rest spin on,
I stare into your eyes and I see the universe floating with endless wonder,
We dance slowly as the world spins,
You lay your head on my shoulder as we dance,
I smell your hair and tell you that your beautiful,
She just mumbles something unimpressed,
I love her and she I,
We dance what I hope will be eternity,

How can I begin to describe her,
The way she smiles is stupidly infectious,
Which always follows with her laugh,
That is intoxicating,
Her hair smells like lilies in the spring right after the morning dew,
Her attitude is of a doe,
She is shy but is curious about everything,
She is easygoing but can't sit still for long,
She likes cars especially Bentley's,
Her style is always different,
She never changes but I feel I am always meeting someone new that's still her,
When I tell her one of my stupid jokes she always laughs,
I think it's because she feels sorry for me,
But I don't care as long as I see her laugh and her eyes sparkle.

Solum faces,
Sold out concerts,
A pack of 6 cases,
I look at her and she flirts,
I tie up my laces,
He looks around and picks up the dirts,
I try to look for traces,
I put on some shirts,
I think of all the places,
That they could be

To be honest,
What is it,
We construct promises,
Built solely on hope and lies,
Just to watch it fall...

Is this what honesty is,
Polite lies,
Created for the ease of every person,

Or to hide intentions,
Hidden behind a vail of promises,
Greed, power, fear, personal gain,

I pray I’m an honest man,
I hope that my Lies have not hurt,
I believe that  I did it to help,
I didn’t mean it to hurt someone,

Politicians can easily be blamed,
We are clean,
While everyone else is not,
No one and everyone is to blame,

I ask,
Are you honest,
Or is that a lie,
What is honesty then,

Hope shall fuel me,
Hope shall fool me,
Hope shall create an image of the possibilities,
Hope is the denial of fact,
The disbelief towards the inevitable truth.

Hopefully I will graduate from high school,
Hopefully I will go to college,
Hopefully I will go to university,
Hopefully I will go into phycology,
Hopefully I will have a girlfriend,
Hopefully I might get married,
Hopefully I might have kids,
Hopefully I can stop drinking,
Hopefully I can get my kids back,
Hopefully I can get my wife back,
Hopefully I can get her for what she's done,
Hopefully, Hopefully,
Hopefully I can get out of jail,
Hopefully my kids can forgive me,
Hopefully I haven't missed out to much,
Hopefully I can make some money,
Hopefully I can support myself,
Hopefully I can quit drinking,
Hopefully I can stop drinking,
Hopefully I can end my drinking,
What is hope?

The way we do things religiously, the way we talk, the way we run our country's, and how we convict a person. May be all based on this thing called "religion" yet when asked what religion is there is no possible way to explain it easily. So why do we have religion? I think that religion is a need for human diplomacy, to see someone/something who is higher in all aspects to our leaders of whom we can not ask to help us. In this aspect is religion a way of making it is that we have a leader of a country who doesn't listen to his people, and as a denial to that power we create a thing that is greater than this leader? But what about the aspect of asking for assistance in something that doesn't at all relate political issues then is that a different form of religion?
Many religions create a being who is capable of anything. If not one being then there are multiple beings with individual "special abilities". Such as a Sun God. They thus pray to these beings in a plea to assist them in their plait, in some religions prayers are accompanied with a sacrifice of some sort, i.e. Goats, sheep, cattle and in history so were humans.
But why? What is the whole purpose of this "religion"?
Religion is a basis of human emotion, if we were not emotional we would not need religion, there are few people who are emotionally obsolete, they have no capable emotions. When asked what religion was they still were incapable of explaining due to the fact that every decision we make is all emotionally connected. When you have an emotionally inclined question asked to an emotionless person it is still an unviable solution to define it.

Life is a passion,
An expression of what we are,
What we humans are,
We live,
We laugh,
We love,
We cry,
We fly,
We lie,
We hear,
We see,
We drive,
We ride,
We glide,
Etc...
But the final thing we humans are afraid of but are the best at,
We die,
You die,
I die,
The fact is inevitable.

I am depressed,
That I know for sure,
That's at least one thing I know,
All other things I don't,
But don't take my word for it,
Just talk to my mother and she'll tell you,

I am disembarking from here,
I have moored my boat here for too long,
I have made to many friends,
I have made more enemies than not,
I have destroyed the place of where I live,
I have wiped it clean of its tolerance,
I burned it to the ground not by my own cause but by talking to each side.

If you can speak your mind

Without a tone of thought towards the things you say,

If you can beat people with words

And blame them for the wrongs you display,

If you can understand what the hurt see

And turn a blind eye,

If you can imagine the wars that have been fought because of you

No would be left to illustrate the catastrophe,



If you can make people love you

Then cast out the people who state their opinion,

If you can openly criticize people

Then threaten the people, who try to fix the wrong done towards you,

If you can proclaim your life’s path as the way to follow

And then judge for any form of rebellion,

If you can finally wave the white flag

Will you finally accept the war reparations that are overdue,

The people’s heart is yours and that’s in it

Because you’ll be the face for the abusers,

As we have conflicts with others,
ISIS,
North Korea,
Russia,
And we give a ***** look to Muslims,
We of the far left with a "pure heart" call this
"Islamophobia"
The religious, racist, white supremacist,
Right wing thugs, unconscious, judgemental, ill-hearted, and blind people who say
"Death to all Muslims"
These people who are disgusted by the thought of having a Muslim neighbor,
These people are just as blind as the Germans were when their Jewish neighbors were taken from their homes,
What would we do if we got rid of all the Muslims in America,
Would we put them into camps,
"Refugee camps",
That's what we'd call them,
Secretly behind closed doors,
People would go missing,
Us the people who believe ourselves as saviours of the Jews,
Would **** their neighbors,
Nor would we care.

I feel like I am falling while I stand,
I feel like water seeping through dirt,
I feel like the ever dry desert,
I feel like a man without a world,
I feel like the dew that gets burnt, and

If only I was different,
Would I finally fit in,
If only I was what you wanted,
Would you love me,
If only I could understand,
Would you regard me as me,
If only I normal,
Could you let me live a normal life,
If only I was clean,
Would you reach out your hand,
If only I could be perfect,
Would you understand that I'm not,
If only I could find who I am,
Would you believe that I found me,
If only I left,
Would you realize what I felt,
If only I lived long enough,
Would you finally realize my potential,
What I could have been.

I'm sorry for who I am,
I don't mean to be defensive,
I don't mean to avoid you,
I'm just scared that I've done something wrong to ruin your time,
It's not you,
It never really is,
It's that I'm insecure about everything,
So don't be mad,
I really don't mean to be the way I am,

I am an infidel,
I follow to no one unless if it suits me,
I listen to no one unless if it suits me,
I  talk to no one unless if it suits me,
I see no one unless if it suits me,
I am an infidel who is independent,
I lie a lot of the time,
Especially now,

I'm forever scared of you,
I can't live with you,
I suffocate on my own breath as you approach,
I hang out with walls as you enter the room,
My only friend is the floor of which I stare at continuously,
I am the man of anyone but myself,
My wrists are friends with the sharps,
My mind continues to imagine what you think of me,
I am tormented by your ever impeding presence,
You never go away even in the darkest and most quiet corners of my mind,
There you are,
I am afraid of you society,

I laugh,
You laugh at me,
I cry,
You laugh at me,
I ball,
You laugh at me,
I scream,
You laugh at me,
I fall,
You laugh at me,
I hurt,
You laugh at me,
I am in pain,
You laugh at me,
I am depressed,
You laugh at me,
I die,
You stop laughing at me.

I see her,
She's so beautiful,
She looks at me,
I look at her,
She walks on,
I walk on,
Let it go,
I tell myself
She doesn't want you.

You write me to let me know that your there,
Your paper, my skin,
Your pen has no ink,
Just my blood,
You write to me about your thoughts,

JUST STOP!

You endlessly torment me with every line you write to make a letter,
I don't need you anymore,
But you cling to me,
******* all the blood and life out of me before moving to your next victim,

The scars become deeper as your mind wanders,
Ensuring our bond is eternal,
My scars are the result of your love letters,
The leftovers of possibilities,

Your letters that scar my face will scare others,
The children ask,
I'll tell them that I was in a fight with my greatest enemy,
You my mind.

Let thy soul be free,
Let soar through the calamity,
Let ye know who dare catch my soul,
Let them who painfully walk the earth,
Let it be known that the end is near,
Let them know physically,
Let them know mentally,
Let them know emotionally,
Let them know spiritually,
Let them know,
Let them know that I am coming.

I just filled out a paper two weeks ago,
One question was,
"Are you depressed,"
If yes , are you suicidal,"
I wrote yes to both,
Yesterday I got a letter back,
They said that they were not able to cover me,
Their reason,
I was a liability to commit suicide,
So I never got what I wanted.

I am a liar,
At least that is the truth,
I tire myself with endless fire that burns within me every time I lie,
So I say to you,
You who defend me,
I may be a liar,
But I am not a cryer,
I hope I will retire from this hole,
But it gives me an endless desire,
To continue feasting on the warmth,
I am a liar,
And liars will never get higher then the ground,
Where we feel dryer than being higher,
I am a liar,
I liar to be,
I liar forever,
I will always be the liar.

"Is it not liberty to give every man the right to choose,"
"I suppose so."
"Then let him!"
"But that would be preposterous"
"You said yourself that every man should be given liberty, did you not?"
"But he doesn't count!"
"And why is that?"
"He couldn't possibly be human?"
"But he is, just as much as you are."
"He's a monster."
"He is your son!"
"I don't think so."
"Why am I not your son, is it because I am not perfect, is it because I always fail, is it because I never learn, is it because I have problems, is it because I am not like everybody else? Do I not deserve the liberty to choose who I want to be? Or do you think that I will mess up on that too?"

Why do we live?
Why do we die?
Why do we strive to live a lie?
We try to buy,
We try to fly,
We try to cry,
Then we learn to lie...

What is the point of life and everything in it, it you don't care anymore?
What is it?
Is it for the ***?
Is it for the love of life?
Is it to complete a cycle of life?
What is it?
Is it to have hope?
Is it to believe in something?
Is it to understand what something is?
What is it?
Is it just to be there?
Is it just to be here?
Is it just to be then?
Is it just to be now?
Is it just to be after?
Or is it just to die.

Have you ever seen a living person so happy and full of life,
End up stone cold and with nothing left,
Understand this,
Avoid it my dear children,
Turn your heads,
Don't look at them,
They endlessly stare at nothing with their glassed eyes,
They tear out the sorrow and pain when you walk towards them,
So don't look my innocent children,
It will change your lives,
Morbid things is all you'll see,
Feel nothing but cold,
Eat nothing but dirt,
Do you dare to look now children of Eden,

I have a lion tattoo roaring across my back,
You only see it when I take my shirt off,
You only see the leadership,
The bravery,
The courage,
The loyalty,
The wiseness,
The power of this lion when I take off my shirt,
Or when I'm not around anyone who can see my real tattoo imbedded on my forehead.

What is love,
I am told everyday by my mom that I shall never understand it,
I believe her,
I "love" her if I knew what it meant,
I would tell her everyday,
If I knew what it meant,
I am selfish is what I am told,
Then that is what I am,
I am told that if I can't learn to be part of a community then I will never get married,
I believe them,
I believe that if I was to date someone,
They would be afraid of the monster that is me,
That is what I think and not what I am told,

I'm told I won't understand,
I'm told to go away,
I'm told to leave,
I do without complaint,
I love them for who they are,
I know they do too,
But tell me to go away,
Tell me I won't understand,
Tell me to leave,
You will witness the consequences,
You will suffer the emotional pain that I do,
I will leave,
I will understand,
I promise you this.

I envy you who walk around so gayly,
Without a care in the world,
Without a worry,
You prance around your house,
Tragically filled with flowers,

As I walk past on the filthy sidewalk,
I don't stop in fear of the joy,
So march on with your proud smiles surgically plastered on your faces,
As I trudge through the destruction you leave behind.

Just leave me alone,
Let my immature spending go on,
Just ***** off,
I can handle my own immaturity,
You try to help me,
But I just want to left alone,
In my little dark corner of the world,

This is a story of an old church pianist who owned a church after it closed and lived in it. He has just been told that his house is being destroyed due to its age, I am only showing you a small part of it because it's my favourite part of the story...


I stood there looking around the home that I lived in, I worked in, and played my very best and worst in this place. As I walked down the aisle memories started flooding in, I remembered watching my beautiful wife walk down the aisle in her wedding dress holding onto her fathers hand, she was just so beautiful.
20 years later she passed away of a heart attack. I remember it so vividly like it was just yesterday; it was in the middle of August and we were sitting at the café. She ordered a frappé with skim milk, and then it all went wrong. She dropped her coffee onto the cobblestone floor as she grabbed at her chest thinking that she could tear her heart out. I knew something was wrong so I took her to the hospital. I stayed there for hours as the doctors tried to keep her heart going, when they finally came out their faces were grim.
So she went down that same aisle her father holding her hand one last time in the church that she had once walked through so proudly before, but she always so beautiful.
So as I walked down that aisle I started to cry as I trudged forward.

I don't have a mirror,
I don't look at them,
I don't go out,
I don't look at my reflection in the glass of a shop,
I don't look at my phone when it's off,
I don't take pictures,
I have friends,
I have two friends...
I have one friend,
I have teddy bears,
I have one and he's 16 years old,
I am not alone,
I am not alone if there was someone there,
I don't look into mirrors in fear of looking at me.

"Mommy,Daddy!" I scream my parents come rushing in,
"There's a monster under my bed!"
My parents role their eyes,
"I swear it's here, just look!" I say
"There's no such thing as monsters." My parents say,
"Just look please!"
""Fine" my dad looks under the bed and says
"Come look, see there are no monsters."
I look under my bed and see a mirror and the monster looking at me,
My dad screams as he looks in the mirror I am the monster that sleeps under my bed.

If you knew what I thought,
If you opened a small piece of my mind,
You would lose yours,
The weight of my thoughts would crush any mortal,
My insecurities would implode any person,

If anyone were to look into the darkness of my mind,
The ink of my thoughts would drown them,

Yet I still live,
I have no purpose,
No real motive,
Yet I walk along this line of Society,

As sociy progesses I will stay behind,
Not wanting to interfere with the revolution,
I will be the only nuisance,

I lye here in bed,
Thinking about you,
I close my eyes and there you are,
Smiling the way you do,
Yet already I can see the detail painted in my mind slowly starting to fade,
Memories of our time appear more distant ,
The things we did aren't so embossed on me,
I sit here crying as I think of you,
Unable to sleep,
I turn over and see your shimmering  outline of your face,
I see you,
You haven't left me,
Yet if I look to hard you may not stay,
So as I stare at you I feel comfort and I fall asleep.

"I can't hear you." They say to me,
"Why can't you speak up?" They ask me,
Because I feel small and if I speak big  it makes things worse,
"Why, Why, Why!" I ask myself every time I say something.

I'll scream the words that chant in my head,
The volume mutes my thoughts,
But not the words I know by heart,
The hope for my future,

In the hands of the words that motivate me to live on,
In the hands of the volume that mute my thoughts,

Right now I'm not  thinking that my life is being balanced from life or death,
By a judge that is the music I listen to,
Right now I'm lost in the words that I scream,

Later I'll cry,
In the therapists office,
About what the balance of my life relies upon,
She'll write down another diagnosis,
Worthy for the psychiatric ward,

But not now...
Now in this moment,
The music will decide where the knife goes,

Music determines the heart,
It expresses what you want to feel,
It hides it from people who are musically unconscious,
Yet when expressed it is such a release of buried emotions that there is no other way to define it other than
Spiritual.

Anxiety anxiety,
O my anxiety,

I fear all and fear all of my fears,

Anxiety anxiety
O god my anxiety,

Distractions, distractions,
I try to fill my mind,

Anxiety anxiety,
O god please end the torture,

I’ll want to scream to empty my mind,
But I’m afraid of what  people think of me,
If it would actually help,

Anxiety anxiety,
Why do I think about everything,


Anxiety anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety,
anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety,
anxiety...

This is my apology to you,
Read it,
Hate it,
Love it,
I don't care just understand this,

I'm sorry for who I am,
I'm sorry I don't understand basic social behaviours,
I'm sorry that I am selfish,
I'm sorry that I don't care,
I'm sorry I don't call,
I'm sorry I don't ask if you're okay,
I'm sorry that I get anxious to ask,
Unsure if I will regret asking,
I'm sorry for crying out loud,
I'm sorry for not listening,
I'm sorry that I question everything,
I'm sorry that you have to repeat everything,
I'm sorry that I never get it,
I'm sorry for hurting your feelings,
I'm sorry for being sorry for myself,
I'm sorry for murmuring,
I'm sorry for being afraid of you,
I'm sorry that I text other people and not you,
I'm sorry that I don't show that I love you,
I'm sorry that I don't consider your feelings,
I'm sorry for sending you this,
I know that it's just words to you.