they keep me live at night,
my mind runs like a wild horse in the field of careless wonders
sometimes my reality isn't as well as I pretend it to be, but my dreams I can recreate into something more pleasing to my liking.

my demons can't touch me there, they try to creep in like maggots on mold..
I crash and crumble and suddenly I wake up to the sounds of birds chirping outside my window.

I get outta bed and they appear in full force threatening my day
taunting me with words and glimpse of better a horrible day.

at this point I wish i were still dreaming..
my demons can't touch me there...

dreams I wish I could dream forever.

listen to the cries shed from my weary eyes
mascara runs down my sides of my cheeks
crack a half open smile...
more like a crack at myself

can you ******* hear me?
am I standing here with you or here alone?

hands are bond to this keyboard where I write the thoughts that torture my brain

Cracks and staples hold my heart together,
as my days turn into sleepless nights, or most recently sleeping my life away.
finding my times of troubles lasting longer...
I can't seem to get a grip

finding myself seeking something
what?.. that something I don't know

needing a light, but my flash light is out of batteries
seem like an easy fix, just get more batteries.. right?

what if I like the darkness that surrounds me?
not knowing the mysterious waves that crash into my numb body
sending shivers down my achy spine
my upside-down smile.. looks humorous to you but inside my holding it all together hence the staples...

it's the cracks that scare me that one day the staples will release..
and the black blood that runs in my veins will take over and the monster I've became will shine.

Don't judge a book by it's cover..
if you look into the depths of my pages you'd see pain, misery and hate
outside to the world I'm just an ordinary woman, but once you turn that page to read further into my story, you'd find yourself mortified

inside i'm screaming, to laughing at the stupidity of it all
asking over and over if I want to live in this body, this body doesn't want to exist some days.

my hands and my mind are my powerful straits

Gloomy and dark, like the popping of the balloons that hold me all together.

hinder my thoughts with colors of bright blues, purples and reds!

the lack of a smile on my upside down smile, frightens my child
laying weeping like a willow tree, branches lay low..

wasted on the pills, like the high for the manic!
drowned by the tears not shed, that filled my throat.

self medication, drink another emptiness pit... found my happiness not at the bottom, only found my dark thoughts twisted inside my hands

I hold the key to unlock myself. staring soulless into a dream I keep repeating over and over in my head.

The hidden sad side of silence, as I slice open my veins to reveal that I bleed just like you...

dark red colors, hit the floor as I climb through hoops to hide my sadness...

drowning in a careless sea of norms.
coming up for air, barely making it to the top to cease the pain.
drinking from the dead ****** hands of Christ, as i put my hand over my heart asking him to rescue me.

This time, I've rattled his chains, Devil dances in circles around my trouble brain.
tiptoeing at night never to wake the demons that follow me.

laying almost paralyzed I can sense the presents of a being not meant to stand before me.

slowly I'm losing my breath...
the water is coating my lungs now, as I rest my weary eyes...

primed and ready for me
supple breast in his mouth
taking my body in,
melting like burning candles
our bodies grinding and twisting to our own tunes
his candle flickers in the moonlight as I moan for him...

Sour taste lingers in my mouth
all the spit I've been swallowing doesn't add up
to the words I've misplaced with my sorry-*** attitude
allowing you to speak for me, trending me through the deepest waters, left me drowning..

coming up for air, I reach for the raft that isn't there to save me.
stranded..

you left me ******* stranded, pacing these hospital halls
looking for clues to get out, quite the joke if you ask me

this place is locked down like a prison, no-one getting in without a secret ******* password, to claim the person their seeing..

rocking back and forth in the ******* corner, thinking I'm in a movie, hello starring me!

next I'm panicking looking out a barred window, at the world outside... wishing like hell I was outside smelling the fresh air.

laying weeping in bed, a nasty nurse decides she's gonna show me and drag me outta bed and force me to sit with these people eating thanksgiving dinner, She states " if you wanna leave you gotta talk and you gotta eat" ***** I took one bite of bread and rushed like lighting back to my room, slamming my door..

another male nurse decides he's gonna show me too, by tossing me out of a wheel chair stating.. " if you wanna play games we can play games"

like I don't exist.... like I'm just some ******* rag doll you can toss and play with... mental ill or not I remember these so called nurses and I will never forget...

wrapped up in the moonlight, dipped in sin
I'm one step away from a crack in the mold
losing my sanity to this so called life?
partying and dancing around are the thoughts that keep me captive inside...
manic follows... spending days running on high, awaiting the lows.
how many poems must one write about being sad?
dangerously asking for a solid normal brain.

Hazel eyes stare into mine
his arms wrap around my torso, as I breathe him in
taking his hands with mine

marking my mark on his body..
I love the idea of his hands all over me

taking him in, fantasizing our lips on the battle field
his eyes easily I am lost in them.

body molds into mine! A perfect fit
we dance all the best dances together.
he is mine and I am his..

were crazy fools; whom fell for one another

I want to inspire someone
I want to write something so powerful it moves them
I want to change the way people see "mental illness"
I want to be better
I want to stop taking medications,
to help control the chemical imbalance
apparently in my brain
I want to prove a point that thoughts of ending it all
come and go, but if you find something more powerful
you can go on
I want to shine some light on bullies
I want to shout
I want to run
I want to climb
I want to jump
I want to take a risk
I want to feel
I want to see
I want to know that I am loved
I want to always be accepted
I want to be different
I want to stand out in the crowd
I want to be someones # 1
I want to be that great mom
I want to be that " I am so glad she's my wife"
I want to be that " She's my daughter, I am proud"
I want to inspire someone
I want to share
I am bipolar

I'm just a weeping willow..
my trunk is hovering over my self
my branches are yellowish-brown from the cries..

I try to stand tall, and seek the light I so desperately need!
again I've fallen down, below the grass.. where the maggots lay.
weeping willow I am..

just weeping forever..

watch me bloom; into a beautiful scarlet rose
my pedals vibrant and glowing
ready for a new dawn; this new beginning is just the start of a colorful year!
the droplets that once filled my eyes and falling from my gleaming stem.
slowly letting depression out the window and allowing the sun to kiss my lips.

closed off
4 walls padded
so she won't harm herself or others
mind is doing flips
running circles around the thought of "trapped"
can't leave
**** that tiny ******* window
flip you off for watching me lose my ****
punch the wall, scream out in horror
slam my fist into the floor in agony
******* padded room.....

My body, my temple
my mind, my feet
my vessel the heart, bleeds into internal madness

my body is comfortably numb down to my toes
words that trickle down my cheeks like droplets

As the waterworks stream upward to my eyes; I am hopeless
dreams kept hidden under my bed
scared of the dark, yet I find myself loving the night

numb my thumbs...

Drippings of blood, from his lips
mouth tastes like a candy cane,
as he dips the tip of his pen down the center of my spinal notebook,
tangles his hands intertwined with mine,
we write the wrongs to the the rights

eagerly laughing " like we did this before"
we speak in times when we were young and carefree
I never knew his name.
only the taste... of that sweet candy cane.

as drips of blood, fill my lips.

Compelling told stories, shed from her angry eyes
tiny cold shards of glass.. made her tears seem like blood boiling under a hot fire
pressure to be this being, she just was NOT
loner, loser, freak,.... she felt the need to disappear often
She never told a being her true "feelings" yet she spoke often of death.
alone in such a world... She questioned her life..
all the dark **** she kept inside haunted her.

never again will she speak in such a light....

I’m rich when it comes to clothes, food and a home to rest my head at night,
I’m poor when it comes to self love <\3
I look in disgust, feel drained with doubt that I can’t...
see a face, flesh just skin bare that I want to cover in shame, filth
Clothed in dark, no color to claim my mark
Just.. cold black.

I can feel my being, being pulled away..
pieces of me all over the place
floating in air..

like a simple "hello" turns into goodbye
turning away from the pain, seeing the good in this..

as my body turns inside out
aching bones, limber and barely alive
kissing my love as if it were my last kiss,

stumbling on the words I desperately speak
leaving behind my body.

fragile and weak
my being is slowly pulling away
aching bones just lie, like a empty pit

I kneel before God; asking help me

Men, what disgust.. what shame
You've become to comfortable with the idea that we being women have to do... it ALL

entitled?  give me, I want it done attitude isn't working on this fine woman!

I am not a maid! nor am I your mother.

As we may know most of us work just as much as you, coming home to the filthy house...

Across the sea,
is a place where I find comfort..

in the little things, such as a kiss a on head or a nice gesture
a hello beautiful just because.

across the sea,
I find a peace
that I know in this reality doesn't exists

felt more alone now then ever, like my own family doesn't enjoy my company.
my constant nagging about dishes, laundry, the house, the mess...

I've become so custom to this feeling of "ALONE" that being along side others... just doesn't feel right.

get up or get out?

across the sea...

Deep breath, inhale exhale
I hear a silent whisper
"Don't give in"
looking up into the darken night sky
finding the brightest star
asking Why
why me? why? why?
caught in the mist
searching, begging, pleading
Has it honestly came to this?

Between

If you look between the lines
the sun rises, but the moon
shines brighter
hours linger into tiny milestones
these hands write the deepest storms
forbidden tales hidden by fake smiles
unspoken words, like blades cutting the tongue
Between
looking deep within me
the dark clouds that cast my fate
caught between a nightmare
and a never ending fight
battling this demon
catch me smiling it's a good day
face tells it all
Inside I'm crying for a way.. a ******* way out.

will this never end my suffering?
I'm stuck
Between

If I could fade
into a distant slumber
no concerns, no cries, no wanders
just a mild rest
this brain drifting into blue skies
Flying with one with the birds
telling stories of unwritten poems
leaving behind the bitterness of the facts
seeking the sun,
shining above my stubborn head
finally quieting the, thoughts of suicide
tossing and turning
ripping the sheets
silent screams, no more my struggle
put to ease as my hands become my sin

Lingering around feeling blue
Should I shower today?
Yet I lay in vain

Once more my illness has taken my happiness and my smile and thrown it away

Days slipped away from me
times missed with family and friends
Where I’ve chosen to weep or lay paralyzed in a hollow bed

I just want my smile to reappear, and the tears to dry
The thoughts to stop
My brain finally freed from this ****** disease

You won’t mark me with that blade not today not tomorrow nor from now on,
You will love yourself
Stop crying over spilled milk!
For Christ sake take a ******* shower, get out of this hole your convinced  your stuck in!

Go for that walk, jog if you have too!
Sing loud and proud; dance like no one is looking..

Today isn’t the day you let your anxiety win, nor the depression!

And for the love of us all, keep smiling that beautiful crooked smile.

As I took that plunge into the deep blue sea
I never thought once to catch my breathe
as the water fills my lungs, I whisper it's time

closing my eyes, feeling the cold water rush around my body
my body is numb, my fingers don't feel
I am one with the sea...

now I'm barely breathing...

Standing in the door way to our room,
I see the filth..
From the mess of clothes to the untouched
My depression prevents me from picking up the piles of mess I surround myself in.
Messy people are brilliant right?

As I tease myself that I’ll pick them up tomorrow, laying weeping in our bed.

From the piles of clothes to mess of my life, to the weight gain.. through the weight loss

Today I hate my outward appearance I don’t love myself..

Dusk to dawn
I swallow my pills
I waken the night, with eyes blood shot red from the weeping

tossing and turning, not comfy at all
I light the day up with my smirk, and dampen the day with my frown

never enough minute's in the day to get all the ideas off my brain
trying like hell to finish thousands of unfinished projects
from a messy home, room, everywhere
filth I live in filth.

I seek the peace in the mess, which i never seem to find
all around I grasp for just another blur day, where my mind plays tricks on me...

Cut off the power to this brain
for a day I'd like to live "normal"
without anxiety ruining my days

without depression keeping me in bed
not wanting to shower, not wanting to take pride in myself
I used to spend hours doing makeup and making myself look fabulous..
now there's not a day that goes by where I don't wear makeup or bother to even brush my hair...
what do I really like about myself?
Nothing...

**** switch, could there just be a switch that I could turn off?

Today I don't want to off myself, today I will try to heal myself from this pain I carry!

just **** the switch...

Days turning into long nights, woken by cold sweats, and horrifying ****** screams.
tossing and turning in my bed, laying paralyzed...
thinking the blankets over my head will protect me from the demons lingering about in my room.
room drops degrees while they stand above me, taunting me, keeping me awake!

I feel like I'm spinning, when sitting still.
minds racing mile a minute!
manic episode coming or what.
I'm waiting for the ideas to start flowing...
the I can do it, I can do everything and anything that comes my way attitude!
the downer, side where I shut down and shut the world out, drowning myself in music..
writing about my ideas, my manic, my sadness..
**** Doc, I'm all over the ******* place.
my mind spits the words i wanna say but my mouth gets tongue tied and I can't say the words... they come out all ******* wrong!
it's the ******* pills I say, they keep me well... stable?

stable??... how the **** is a racing thought stable, and my mouth gets my words mixed up and I'm speaking like I can't ******* talk!

Undress me, watch my pages burn.. as I spark the flame
trash my name, drag me in the dirt, turnaround and blame me
notebook, it's time to unfold my next move..

I've got tempers for days, voices keep screaming for a sound I've missed..

The sound of my fists pounding on my chest, like broken bottles
I hear the crackling sound.. of crashing to the ground

picking my fragile body off the floor, tiptoeing around like I've got no-where to go.

fingers ****** and bruised from digging the hole inside my hollow frame..

I trace back the steps taken, clicking my pen nervously anxiously waiting for you; notebook to turn the page...

dim the lights, softly stroking the thought
of him and I under the sheets
entangled in one another..

sheets satin red, like blood red lips, kissing on a Sunday morning.
shades of light hit the right corners of his body, tempting me to touch.
I need; him to understand this isn't just a love affair, that's it..

it's just an affair, of the sorts. as you will know he lives deep within my weary soul.

I daydream of the times we've woken up next to each other
as I lay there pondering my next move, I'm violently awaken by screams..

it's a just Sunday morning.. nightmare..