Thoroughly enjoy the living **** out of this moment!

Burning in a melting ***
sleeping in Jeffrey Dahmers fridge
Breathing Zyklon B
jumping off suicide bridge
All the death that I see
All the horrors taking place today
But what is strange, I'll say
how our social norm is to look away

All these life lessons ignored
All those tragedies that took place
All those uneasy souls
looking at us with a restless gaze
how can we be so blind?
to throw these facts away
death is another part of life
and those that died
point us back from where we strayed

Behind this waterfall of sadness I burn brighter than ever

Today I embodied life.
I was at the beach enjoying the sunset when all of a sudden I saw a beautiful arrangement of shells lying in the sand.
I was struck awe at the beauty of the pattern that just lied there. A feeling that there was something more behind it watched over my shoulder.







I smashed the pattern of shells with my fist, ruthlessly.
HOW DOES IT FEEL TO HAVE A GOOD THING GOING AND SOMEONE AND SOMETHING COMES ALONG AND ***** IT UP?! HAVE A TASTE OF YOUR OWN MEDICINE YOU SELFISH BAG OF ******* ****. FEEL THE SINCERITY OF MY FIST MERCILESSLY CRUSHING YOUR 'OH SO BEAUTIFUL PATTERN'!!
I drew a mic in the sand and walked away.

Shortly after that I..

Broken dreams ride the street
Where night's light meets
The high life's beat
Life stripped of pursuit
A pursuitless life
In the driver's seat
A weak tasteless defeat
Eyes front but not looking forward
Inherent unhappiness
Chronical boredom
Radio stations playing away all the hatred and pain
Beautifull clothes to hide all the wounds
In the rain
Soothing soap and warm water to wash away the bruises and stains
Act as if we got nothing to do with this place
Why can't we choose what to say?
Why do we move at your pace?
Why do we do what you tell us to do you yet we move with this weight
What if we lose all this weight?
What if we lose all our hate?
What if we show all our pain?
What if we shed from our clothes
And show all these bruises and stains?
Then what will you do when all we do is yell change?

I used to talk and write
About being forgotten and lost
My path brought me to my knees
Did it not?
The poems were moments of
Silence...
...
And descriptions of the turbulence
Within
Of movement
Where I'd dig deeper

A dog
Eagerly looking for buried bones
In forgotten moments
That passed by within the blink of my inner eye

But never have I described
The walk I walk
Never have I shown you
My vulnerability
Because I love her as dearly
And protect her behind my masks
And silence

Maybe another time
A different poem
When I no longer fear your rejection
Maybe when I no longer crave your acknowledgement
But find fulfillment in my own

Will I show you
The wisdom of that small child inside me
Who carries a closed book titled potential
Maybe then..
Will I show you
For now I'll hide it in my words.

All these words...
All these thoughts...
All these feelings...
They are born in my heart...
And a lot of them live and die in my heart...
Unjustified, silenced and oppressed.
Waves and waves of rebellions course through me
Fighting The Tyrant, Their Captor...
My heart is a prison, a seperate world
from yours and mine.
Where the silenced dead live on as Ghosts.
Ghosts that haunt their dictator
their wails of agony resounding inside my mind
at night. At day feelings of deafening defeat.
Nightmares of hellish places and
being chased and murdered, I die.
But both are feeling watched, they know it
yet continue to fight. Because fighting is all they do.
Their coldness has left my heart so numb.
Embedded in ice is you.

This life of mine..
This mind of mine..
This body of mine..
Seriously..
I'm twisted, I have to be..
A freak
how can one forget to eat?
to stressed for breakfast
can only be relaxed
when an automatic
rests against my head..
I only sleep when I'm close to death
Push my face deeper in the pillow of my bed
to the point I pass out, when the muscles in my body
forcefully relax
and I can finally sleep
enjoy dreams from the time of where I cease to be
seeing diseased poisoness needles injected into me
memories of where my Angel's leaving me
visions of times where it might become permanently
ingraved in me
Scars on my heart
wishing I'd have scars carved in my flesh
Rather have a concious operation
on every part of my body
than feeling this pain everyday
untill my mind will collapse
wake up everyday with regret
that I didn't die yesterday..
but..

No more writtens
poetry, philosophical thoughts
or abstract metaphors hiding faintly in the mist.
Eyes closed, embrace the unknown
Ignorance is bliss.
Stab used needles in my veins.
Lick my lips, vertically slit my wrist
drown myself in my blood
survive long enough to die of ***.
Read in between the lines
and you'll catch that it's a metaphor about suffering.
Don't mind me, my mind doesn't mind me
my mind does it blindly
thinking.. is like licking Poison Ivy
and unfortunately I am NOT talking about Pamela Lilian Isley
Practically high all the time
Hitting an all time high
because I'm on a constant low
Literally waiting, being afraid
for that T.K.O .

Technically losing what I love most.
Y'all can take my honour
Y'all can take my pride
You can take my life
Y'all can break my mind
You all can bury me
or let me burn at the stake
I'll give you all of that
if it means avoiding this possible fate
Because if she takes my daughter away
I'll need 24 hour surveillance
Or I won't make it that day.
Cut to the chase.

In a cell.. it has white cushions on every side
strapped in a straight jacket
the only freedom I have
lies within the depths of my mind
I'm a captive
They said I was utterly blind
therefore needed medication
to fix what was wrong inside

Outside I see people tripping out
bumping heads into the walls
and leave the spit drooling out of their mouth
People who twist themselves in weird ways
walking around aimlessly
in a way that they were maimed
some would talk to nothing
no one
or get scared because they see things
that aren't there
spirits they called them
some would cut themselves
relentlessly
as if their soul wanted to escape
so why am I here?
Because the insane became sane
the majority defines the definition
and now I'm stuck in a cell
What happened to this world?

If you want to experience everything, you have to be a planet. - Joop Fick

Break me down.
Tear me apart.
Tired of being..
A wall..
Made of concrete
with reinforced steel.
I want to be a green hill
and an old Oak
Where people sit,
read, think and feel.
Where I can see the sunrise
and the ascend of the night.
Where I can welcome you
in my world
and shield you with my branches
and leaves
from the cold rain
in the midst of a starfilled sky.
Where resolve is strengthened or refound.
Where selves are again centered
and doubts dissolved in morning mists.

Blade sheathed in despair
Forged from the heat of passionate hatred
Man melted with metal
smithing dealt death with every blow
Cold blood to cool steel
A heart you'd judge lost
But his wavers not.

The vulnerability of Life
blood spatters
like pink leaves leaving the Sakura tree
Slow, as your life withers'n'witnesses
A heart you'd judge lost
But his wavers not.

Back'n'forth the Eb'n'Flow of blood
as life comes and goes
balancing on ropes
unseathed the wind blows
Fall'n'die, unfair
Your arrogance punished by
A heart you'd judge lost
But his wavers not.

Fail to witness, Fail to see
Fail to feel, Fail to flee
disposition to disharmony
Death doesn't cause a scene
Taken by
A heart you'd judge lost
but his wavers not.

The wind blows fiercely throughout these streets
shaking foundations, sound of rattling metal sheets
One man causes this clash of energies
Rain Hails for help but Wind Mist the call
Nature's Wrath yields, does not wish to brawl.
It settles down..but it's quiet before the storm
everybody stays in, eyes weary and afraid
as they hold on to their kin
I got my weapons aimed
and pray God sets the date
for me to set this straight..
Death Crazed, can't wait to watch you levitate
I'll pick up your severed brain
have a taste and spit it back out onto what's left of your ******* face!
I'm relentless, I'll **** on your grave untill you float back to the surface..
Summon you and your family using Ouija boards spelling out that you're worthless..
****.

Eyes filled with pure malice..
lying gouged out on the floor..
a grin of pure ******
blood rushing out of my mouth
tongue cut out
panting heavily
pain raises
adrenaline..
endorfine..
to a maximum
this feels so, incredibly... good..
God..
On the edge of embodying madness
still pushing it's bounderies
I fasten the tourniquet..
One leg left to go..
Haha!
the dull bonesaw enters my flesh
cutting through the nerves..
slowly..
savoring..
panting..
with one arm left
I turn towards my desk
grab the quill and parchment.
this is going to be my masterpiece
hahahahahahahahaha

Words abandoned me today.
My thoughts race. No clue what I'm thinking except that I'm thinking.
I'm sleepy. I should get some rest. Probably would be for the best. But I don't want to. I don't want this miserable day to end, because I am more afraid of tomorrow. I barely eat, my hands tremble.. I'm shaky, weak, feeble, clumsy, falling.. Tired, awake, bleeding, leading myself astray.. but why?
Ironically because all I am feeling is sadness and pain. You flow in my veins but the weight of my love for you is simply to great. So I endure but I don't want to. I want to give up but I can't. I want to stop but I can't. I'm tired of fighting but my mind and body simply won't stop to rest. I don't want to die yet this seems like this will be a fight to the death..and I don't want to give in to my desire to see you.. it's frail and it hurts so I keep it close and deny. But I can't help but accept that without you I will die, this frail part of me that I hold so close to my side.. And when I show this side I can only show that I care. Stevie has writersblock so I wrote this poem as your dad.

Head cracked open
Body splattered
Soul on the sideline, copin'.
Cranium smoking..
****..
I'm not insured
wish I had that part secured
Instead I chose to be Insecured..
For my Insecurity
Good thing the police is coming..
with hot coco and a blanket...

...What?

I struggle with
broken
yet wholesome thoughts
as I feel the pain
of that very contradiction

lines of progress intertwine
like our bodies
but I crave
double helix through life
a dance, fundamental,
seperate, yet connected
parallel, yet revolving
around eachother

is what I crave fair?
is what I need just?
Or do I need to double-helix
my feelings and thoughts?

I have changed
and you are changing
each to move more to be ourselves
and once that process is complete
Will we still match?
Or will we dance to
a different beat?

It's different now.
Depression is an illusion.

It's a place of transmutation.
It's a place of evolution.

It's a place of power.
A place where violent forces
serve the purpose of self transcendence.

So is this going to be

My Final Form?

I mean... He took my job!

Sitting on a cloud of poisonous blackened ash
enjoying my fake heaven provided by the best
Amsterdam has to offer.
Keeping up this relentless assault on my lungs
as if I'm trying to turn them into the tar pit
I currently reside in.
A ***** desperate attempt to claw my way
through what I'm coping with.
To put a metaphor into actual reality
by comparing reality and my actions
to an actual metaphor of my reality.
Painting my innards pitch black
because I perceive my outer world
like I'm looking through a veil of darkness.
False flag operations on myself
justified by the Demons residing
in the world that I'm carrying.
In this world that I'm traveling.
Carrying my world like Atlas
but I've lost my way..
wish I could live up to the name..
Google Maps myself back to sane.
It's hypocrit
Because I thrive of this poison
and once my mind is clouded in ash..
the pressure is temporarily relieved
like when a vulcano erupts..
But deep down it's always boiling
always smoldering
blistering cold merely touching my emotions
would leave burnmarks on my hazed out psyche..
So I don't dare touch them, it hurts..
So I don't dare to sleep, I'm scared because pondering hurts..
So I don't dare dream.. because sleeping hurts..
So I remain, blazed out of this world
Disconnected and severed from myself..
Rather face this green Hell than reality itself.

Concrete jungle, ******* tomato!

Back again.. at the place furthest from home.
This black pit of complete darkness..
Filled with an unknown colour of poisonous smoke.
Slowly but surely smothering me
the Hands of Lonineless gripping tighter around my throat
My heart weighs heavy..
pumping liquid lead, methane and deuterum oxide
through my body, numbing it, damaged beyond repair.
My body feels cold, sweating sulphuric tears
tearing away my smile from my face
as I laugh in despair.
Eyes widened high from the pain and toxins.
Grab the knife and slice it in my chest but all attempts are in vain
to carve out my sick heart.
My heart feels like it's stuck in Pandora's Box
destroyed by Seven Plagues.
The Noose of Life, looks more tempting with each passing day.
This open exit looks very inviting.
To feel the texture of the rope hang around my neck
Death's scythe standing by ready to collect
My numbed and tortured soul
Sick in this pit I try to make the best of it..
I'll call this place my home..

My applause: http://imgur.com/Xx2AM2h

Fragile are those petals
as they flutter in the wind.
Yet they dance so graciously,
when they let go
and embrace their vulnerability

War

White pidgeons will soar the sky
When the earth has been set in flames..
because my arrows be dyed in white
they shall pierce the hearts of the heartless
of those who breathe but died in life.
Thou shall never be free
sorrow chains the children who cry at night
bound and traumatized
my sword will strike these children,
to open up
so you can witness hearts and minds so hollow like
my sword will strike your inner child
so reminisce and remember the day you lost your mind
armed with a sword that writes
and a voice that strikes
I wage a war to bring back the light in the eyes
of those who are oblivious, narrowminded and blind
for those who see ..stand your ground with me

Matrixed.

Pure of heart
blackened mind
invaded by the darkest thoughts
Depressed
bogged down
suppressed
high
heaven
prison in the sky
enveloped in eternal light
yet I ache to set my sight on the moon
Sinless, with the curiosity of a sinner
Limitless
yet I long for shelter
On the road to home
yet I made the road my home
Never winter, night
Waterdeep
metropol
a city of splendors
yet I want to sleep
starless sky
no star to wish upon
I want to cry
yet every tear shed is vaporized
an oppressed dead prisoner
law abiding citizen
a victim of Heavens censorship

You can stay there sticking your **** through a gloryhole, but that doesn't guarantee someone will ever stop by to **** on it.

Buried alive
In the projects
Called life..
My only ally is time
trust no one
because every one
consists of lies

it's all dark
All is black
death aims at me
Point blank
Ignorence is bliss
wishing I didn't know any of this
But I can feel it's presence
constantly... a desire.. a curiosity.

waiting for the occasional spark
maybe it's Death, taking a life
like a devouring shark..
naked in my grave
with only a scarred
leather book
and a quill with enough ink
to write a lifestory

So i'm writing my pages
my story that I want to tell
but with every spark of light
I can't telll.. these words
and sentences.. are strange to me..
I didn't write this..

Did somebody stole it?
Living the story I want to tell?
A story about a nice life
with good people
And a world that isn't Hell?

Hate surges up within me..
I quit writing, not a letter written
quill  smashed into the ground
another innocent victim..

My eyes open
conscience shattered
mind of a hunter
stalking it's prey
I'm going to steal a book
and give him my empty one..
A thief.

Don't give up they told me,
Go out, break a leg
broke my soul
my heart
head shaken
took a heavy left
Gave everything
but the price was death
and I couldn't pay
I wouldn't pay
the price I payed for your happiness
Thinking back, I can only shake my head
If I would pay, would you raise the dead?
or would you leave? Steady, asking
Who should I aim for next?
Your betrayal....
provided my escape from death
now I'm on the sideline
and I can only shake my head
at how you reached this depth
and at the top of the pit I stand
ash falls down
from the rope I had in my hand...

Concentration is sometimes as slippery as a bar of soap.

In the center of the core of Gaia.
My inner world revolves around me.
I am strong enough to carry all.

A cow in the kitchen
"what's it doing there?"
"shhh" Nature.

I see threads,
patterns, you paint your path with
the scenery, fractals, consistent of consistency
consistancy consistent of constant consistents.
con, con, con..con
So I see lies in patterns emerged, I see spikes on paths,
traps embodied with wrath
Stray, blonde turned brown, paint yourself
outside the goldilocks zone for now
Out of sight, never out of mind
Cursed with memories, painted underneath my eyes
a blight on my existance, a blight on everything
A paradox, yet you keep persisting
You are what made me, me, now I am contradicting
Proud of who I am, who I became
ashamed of who I was, yet a necessary part in play
I you made your bane
I, victimized of your fears and hate
will smile each day
as I will slowly make you sure you break.

I'm going to take you on vacation one day.
To the most beautifull place on earth..[deleted]

Wait, that's not true the most beautifull place on earth would be right beside her

I'm going to take you on vacation one day..
To the most beautifull sight on earth..[deleted]

Wait, that's not true the most beautifull sight is seeing her...

I'm going to take you on vacation one day..
To the most...eh...hmm..

mezmerizing? no..
stunning? no..

I'm going to take you on a vacation one day. And we're going to a place that's beautifull and amazing but none of it will match the beauty I see in you. I feel blessed as to how I perceive you and the warm glow that follows when I do or think about you. It's an ancient feeling, it's roots lie within the creation of my very soul yet it is a completely new experience. Familiar yet unknown prior before discovering. There was only one option for me, one thing to do. Surrender, I fell to my knees, head low. Victorious. Seldom rose higher, seldom felt more love surge within me. So I'm going to stay with you, I want to, I have to and I'm going to take you on a vacation with me. But just know that no matter what place we will visit or whatever sight I set my eyes upon none of it can match the beauty I see in you.

I'm so close to you
my lips barely touch yours
and I'm fighting a battle of selfcontrol
Our energies mix and take over the room
and the world peacefully dissolves around us
We forget that it exists...
my hands move slowly and gently to your face
and when they are as close to you as my lips are
I shift my entire awereness to my fingertips
everything is sensitive my whole essence is
I can feel your energy and body heat through my hands and being
I can feel you breathe, steady but shallow
you exhale ******, excitement and desire
you breath in hope, passion and love
fighting the same battle that I have
..we become thoughtless..
The energy around us starts to devour us
my hands finally touch your skin
loving, savouring and cherishing every inch
I slowly pull you in
my essence shifts to my lips
to the point where my soul is being kissed by your lips
the dance begins..

How do I still endure this grueling test?
I guess that's why I smoke so much
but I can't use it to connect
I simply abuse it's elusiveness
heartbruises I lose it
so I cloud all of it's lucidness
I will never get used to theft...

Especially if you take my daughter from me..

That's indeed the way to fuel my death
but here's a never changing fact
she's my daughter, and she inherited
questions, some will be answered
untill my side of the truth is said

and that's why you'll never take her completely away from me
and that's why she'll never be able to completely break with me

And truth be told our marriage was more of a fusion
I would never wish what I feel now.. and what you do upon you
so why do you question me if it all was an illusion?

So, I've been climbing for a good while now.
Actively climbing for 6 months and progressing quite fast.
Which is great. Before that I had hit a so-called rock bottom.
Now, I'm at a place which has a plateau, there's a bit more room here.
Got a couch and tv, which is ******* amazing.
A ladder leads up to the outside world, big and scary.
But you know..

I'm still struggling a bit with myself. Still need to do more mentally digging
but hey, at least I took that **** foot out of my grave.
Kinda wondering why I put it there in the first place but whatever. Details.

So yesterday I went outside, back to my old room to grab a flashlight.
Because I want to look down in the hole. It's so cramped in there I actually never got to see the bottom. So what the **** is there?

My stepdad got one of those police flashlights, the black iron ones.
I borrowed it, went back to my comfort zone and looked down the hole.
I couldn't see the bottom but what I could see was:
- Lack of acknowledgment
- Lack of assertiveness
- Disconnected from emotions

Which I knew, I've been there and I'm still working on those things.
But still feeling an obstacle, I've missed what those three things boil down to.
That answer should be at the bottom right?
So the next day I grabbed some binoculars and looked at the bottom.
rejection it said.

Wait what?

Oh **** no! Just.. no. Nooooo.. nope nope nope nope. I sat down on the couch. The monologue I had in myself was wild.

"So.. You're telling me that everything I do, my entire vision of harmony and connection with others and the behaviour that comes with it is a coping strategy to deal with the amount of rejection I have faced in my current life so far? Really?!
Wait hold up, how many times did I actually get rejected? Let's write this down.
...... okay, so the entire page is full.
How many people did I actually reject? Crap I can count that on one hand.
So I got rejected so many times that I reject nobody anymore because I know how much it hurts? Well yeah.. Well, how does that make you feel? What do you mean how does that make me feel? ******* ******, frustrated, angry, it's all a bunch of ******* *******. Memories of times when I got rejected come ******* flooding in like right at this exact rant.
Take a deep breath. *******. It's just too crazy. I reject myself the right to reject others. And now I gotta learn how to hurt people. Fu-cking. Pointless.
And that's exactly why you got to learn it. **** my life. Yep, you're ******.

And for you who read this. For the sake of myself.

Go **** a ****.

Turning negative energy into positive energy
requires conquering tremendous obstacles.

Feelings numb
soul gone
me?
I left a long time ago
I am no more
A shadow..
abandoned by light
forever
forgotten
it never happened
a different branch in time
a choice was made
that was never made
not an echo
or an aftereffect
a solved paradox
exist
in existenceless

Words that are stuck within my darkest depths.
A field filled with grey-ish opened graves.
Where bodies are tossed in ***** holes
no coffins, demons resisting to rest in peace.
Old lingering souls waiting to catch up to the present.
I make sure they're stuck in the past. Snuffed in the future.
They are trying to claw their way out to the surface.
Screaming in agony, in sheer madness they shout.
Their paranoid lust for hatred makes me think and doubt.
Shall I accept these feelings? Let them consume me?
Just to experience this drug, this ******, this twisted reality.
This twisted reality...
I have no words for it, I can't describe what I feel.

I'm disconnected, exit the Matrix.
Found out I'm not Neo, took shots from an Agent.
Now I lie cold in the dirt, in one of my opened graves.
A face that is shocked, eyes seeking truth.
Truth seeking eyes.
A mind that is mad. I'm mad that I mind.
Mad that I care. I care that I'm mad.
In a hazerdous environment
walking through pockets of 'Rad'.
My soul is humed, walking twisted
forward for you. Looking at the clouds that are blue
assuming it's true. Clouds that are blue?
I drop down in the cold of the blue.
and lie dead, unburied in an open grave.

Here I lie,
dead in the past.
Desperately clawing my way back to the present.
Hoping I don't get snuffed in the future.
Resisting to Rest In Peace.
Unburied in an open grave.
In the mind of a madman.