Again I find myself in an all to  familiar place
I sit alone quarantined in a room, peering out a window into space;
I replay my mistakes over in my mind
And when I've seen it all I hit rewind:

There must have been something that I've missed
There's got to be a reason that you'd treat me like this;
I've told you before that I'm yours to destroy
I never thought you'd discard me like a child's broken toy:

I sit alone in this dark empty space
Always knowing how easily I could be replaced;
Yet every day, you fed my ego with words of hope
Then you shut me out and shot me through the heart, no scope:

But I play brave and put on a smile
Even though I haven't hurt like this  in a while… and that's fine;
I just look down at the wound and the scars
And as a tear starts to form, it glistens like a star:

I thought you knew how I felt, you said
But the silence I get I feel like the waking dead;
And there's no longer dreaming with my eyes wide shut
They've all been entombed like king Tut:

And when they are released I'm the one whose cursed
My life is a tragedy written by Shakespeare, a play I've rehearsed;
I keep lying to myself that there's something more
But in the end when they find me I'll be lying on the floor:

I  feel like I'm in mourning, but don't want to come to terms
And our lack of communication only adds fuel to this fire that burns;
Our limited time together already puts our love in a fragile state
And with us not being able to talk daily is it going to be, do not resuscitate:

The old saying that we've all heard is a lie
Distance makes the heart grow apart, I cry;
I walk around  prown and apathetic
A walking cliché, I hear the whispers he's so pathetic:

I send a love note with my latest confession
I wait for your reply, it's at your concession;
There's no new way for me to sing the blues
So like a jaded cop I think I've paid my dues:

I should wire my mouth shut to keep from shooting blanks
But what's to keep my hands in check from breaking ranks;
They grab the familiar pen and pad
What am I supposed to do, I jot down the ugly , good, and bad:

And in my absence will you turn to another, hoping they can do what I do
And when you think of me, say to yourself, he would have laid on tracks for you;
And I'll continue to write, saying to myself I hope this gets to her
But I genuinely hope I'm wrong and this poem becomes non-sequitur:

My heart is split
It's been this way the last few October's
Then you came along
I finally thought that this pain was over
You smiled and said
I no longer had to be blue
But that was just a mirage
I'm so broken without you

All I want is another Sunrise with you
You gave me a reason to fight
But all I've got was this hole in my chest
And it's empty without you, empty without you

Am I destined to spend my lifetime alone
Reminiscing of our last time
I keep a bottle of Jack and loaded gun nearby
In case I want to die
I take a walk with the devil
The pale moon light shows I  am restless
The tears flow so I keep my head down
Otherwise you might see I'm defenseless

All I want is another Sunrise with you
You gave me a reason to fight
But all I've got was this hole in my chest
And it's empty without you, empty without you

I'm sorry if I may seem distant, because I am
And it's really quite all right if I'm hurting and you don't give a ****;
I shared myself with you and told you things I may like
And you not remembering them,  is me being selfish right:

It's not that I need you to know every single detail
I should have kept my mouth shut, instead of having you fail;
At first I was just being coy, and wanted to see what you really knew
But the more I asked the sadder I got, like how my favorite color is purple no longer blue:

Or did you know what my fears were, because we both share heights
But I'm also afraid of the entities that watch me when I turn out the lights;
And maybe I'm just being paranoid, that I'm not worth your time
But I've shared myself before and now I'm far from fine:

They say the little things matter the most in life
So when you forget them, I won't lie it cuts like a knife;
I feel like I should have never said anything in the first place because I'm forgettable
But you made me feel I wasn't, then proved me right thats regrettable:

Or maybe I've blown this all out of preportion
And telling you my feelings through these words are extortion;
But you want to know why I'm hurting, the answer is plain as can be
The only question is do you really know me:

I can tell by looking in your eyes
That you're punch love drunk, don't lie;
It's ok I'm a bit tipsy myself, as I say come over
But will you love me when you're sober:

Will you still have that same look
When we argue over who has to cook;
And will you still think about my smile
Even when I'm sad and you haven't seen it for awhile:

Will you remember all those times I made you laugh
As you listen to the words of my epitaph;
And will you think about my soft touch
Even as we get older and don't make love as much:

I just don't want you to wake up one day hungover
And when you look at me, think about us being over;
That's why for the rest of my life I'll drink you up
So I can stay drunk, I won't need another cup:

My vision is blurred as the sweat drips down
Breathing grows harder, a rasping sound
Muscles are in spasm switching from taunt to relaxed
I feel myself pushing to near collapse
But I hear you scream out to me
I continue pushing in what can only be called a dream
Flesh to flesh, I'm trapped in Eden's walls
I cry out in lust, this is the end and I fall
I say you're everything to me
But can only think of myself, one last plea
Lost in ecstasy for tonight
This is the bitter end, one last goodnight

I daydream as I walk in the forest among the trees
And imagine your touch as gentle as the summer breeze;
I close my eyes and absorb the suns rays
Its warmth, nothing compared to yours on winter days:

Listening to the birds chirp as they do their mating dance
Your visage in my mind is starting to enhance;
I smell the moss, grass, and flowers, natures perfume
Nothing compared to your scent, I inhale  deep and consume:

And I hear you call out my name and whisper, be with me forever
As quietly as leaves rustling in a zephyr;
But it's just a daydream as I walk in the forest among the trees
And I continue to imagine your touch as gentle as a summer breeze:

I'm not blind, but I didn't see
All the love you gave to me
I'm not deaf, but couldn't hear
All the words of encouragement you whispered in my ear
I'm not mute, but I could never say
The right words to make you stay
I'm not numb, but I can't feel
Your presence next to me, this can't be real
I'm not dead, but no longer alive
In this empty home, alone I cry

In this vast Sea called life, she keeps me afloat
My heart for her only points true north
Regardless of the days, the ups and the downs, she knows my true worth
So to her the rest of my life I devote

If only I could put her in a Spire, protected by a moat
Because she has my heart beating back and forth
In this vast Sea called life, she keeps me afloat
My heart for her only points true north

In the worst of storms she’ll cover me, a protective coat
My own personal shield from the horrors of the Earth
With her I'll grow old, a fire roaring inside the hearth
I’ll remind her of her Deeds, and I’ll gloat
In this vast Sea called life she keeps me afloat

I’m a man writing his own eulogy
Simply because no one knows me better than me;
I’ve told myself no lies, I put up no mask
No hiding behind a façade, no questions to ask:

So when I speak on my behalf just know it’s all truth
I won’t just mention the highlights of my youth;
Sure I’ll talk about the birth of my children
But won’t leave out the bad, I mean we all sin:

I’ll talk about my rough patches and my depression
How I failed constantly, but it wasn’t a loss Just A Life Lesson:
I’ve never claimed to be a perfect person I’ll say
And follow it with but at least I ******* tried along my way:

I’ll quote my favorite songs so you can have a better perspective
So you can know the man writing his eulogy, it’s him being honest nothing selective;
I'll apologize to my friends, family, and those I let down
Just know I wish we could have shared one last laugh and one more round:

Lost

Ok let me start by mentality preparing
I'll need to hype myself up and be wary;
Because when I see you smile I  freeze
And I know how everyone can see what i see:

Beauty unparalleled, truly you have no equal
And when i make my trip it won't be once, best believe in a sequal;
I look into your eyes, still pools of water and mist
And i get lost in a trance, another place  added to my list:

Of places I've got in mind of exploring
And with you as my guide I'll do plenty of touring;
You bring me in close to get a good look
And your smell has me caught like a fish on a hook:

But I don't fight it, baby reel me in
I've waited to long let the journey begin;
I'll run my fingers through your forest of hair
As my lips are attracted to the path of your neck, nothing can compare:

To the ecstasy i feel in your presence
You lead me down to your twin peaks, I pray for a life sentence;
I want to memorize all your textures and curves
So I can caress you the way you deserve:

But you tell me not to worry, there's more to see
So i start at the bottom from the top and run my hand over your knee;
You laugh and say there's a hidden valley down there
As you pull me in closer, **** I wished I had more time to prepare.

I'm lost in love...

A man with power can still be powerless
A slave to the routine of maintaining it one needs mental prowess;
Only going as far as our mind, heart, and spirit allow us:

No mentor to guide him he's at the apex
But he's still got fears and doubts, when he's the one leading this trek;
And that's when he realizes it's about more than just money, power, and respect:

Setting aside his ego and id
Reflecting on all of his actual accomplishments he's done did;
And he still keeps fighting, just as hard as he did back when he was still a kid:

I'm sorry…

I’ve already said these words so many times
I feel like a criminal who’s committed the worst crimes;
There’s nothing that can be said about what I’ve done that can't  be seen as selfish
All I ever wanted was your happiness:

I never stopped and never will, keep loving you
But trying to regain who I was is the best thing for me to do;
I feel like the monster Frankenstein had envisioned
A man with no soul, trapped in his mind like a prison:

I wear my words like a suit of armor, protecting myself from what you might say
As I ramble on and on until night becomes day;
I know what you want to hear from me, and the words just won’t come out
But just know those unspoken words are true, without a doubt:

This is my last and final attempt at an apology
I’m just a man giving his own eulogy;
Because when I let you go, just know I died inside
I wish that I'd  never hurt you, and I’d been the only one who had cried.

Can I quit yet?


Everyday I work myself to the bone
15 plus hour days, my work is my home;
Sleep is a luxury I don’t really know
4 to 5 hours a night, six days in a row:

 
My one day off should be my own personal Sabbath
Only to work at home, this is a bad habit;
I’ve heard that work helps to cleanse ones Soul
How many sins have I washed away, answer unknown:


But that wheel never seems to stop spinning
I continue to chase the carrot on the stick, am I really winning;
When my kids say they miss their absentee father
How does one apologize to his sons and his daughters:

 
The only real interactions are a short phone call
5 minutes to say I love them all;
A work drunk man, who’ll never be sober
Oh ****, I’m late, my breaks already over:

I believed my words were my greatest strength
That is until I met you, let me explain at length;
You've  given me the opportunity to really shine
And with no hubris I can say I've aged better than wine:

All the fears , and apprehensions I've had in the past
Were dispelled by you, and I really hope it lasts;
I'm a cowardly pretender who never realized his potential
Then you showed me that I'm far from inconsequential:

This is my attempt at an apology, without me having to say I'm sorry
Whoops, I guess I said it after all, I need to write with a little more chary;
But what's the point, for you I've already bared my soul
Because I want you to love me for me, that's always been my goal:

I don't understand why at times I feel so omnipotent
And then without you I'm back to being so insignificant;
I know who l can and who I  want to be…
Yet when you're gone, I tend to lose sight and can no longer see:

I swear I'm not co-dependent or a clingy person
It's just feels like without you my condition only worsens;
So these are the confessions of a man who's listening to his id instead of ego
Trying to shake off his L's and become greater than a zero:

Music is the elixir to my soul
Lyrics make it feel better, after the world has taken  its toll
Songs written it seems about  me and my life
They make me smile and sing, while others cut like a knife

These sounds  may change as quick as a guitar riff
If it's rap, acoustic, or punk rock it makes no big diff
For me everyday I sprinkle in some Tony Sly
Lyrically one of the best, why'd he have to die

“ I need a beat, the sounds to calm me down
Lyrics that are deep that keep me a float while I drown
This world's so ******, it needs a cure, some type of mixture
Everyone needs to slow down, I've got the elixir”

A few of them even use a catchy metaphor
About, how their ex walked all over them like a linoleum floor
These songs bring out the suffering and joy of the people
They all flock to concerts like churchgoers to a steeple

Only a few actually take the time to actually decipher
And once injected with knowledge  of a song  they become a convicted lifer
So turn up the sound and flip over the records
Let the music dispense with all of life’s discords

“ I need a beat, sounds to calm me down
Lyrics that are deep that keep me a float while I drown
This world's so ******, it needs a cure, some type of mixture
Everyone needs to slow down, I've got the elixir”

Again your absence has taken place
And I'm no longer blessed with your beauty or grace;
I know that it'll only be for a short while
And yet I'm left alone, frightened and scared like a child:

Wondering when you'll be back and what you'll say
And all I ever wanna do is tell you please don't go, just stay;
Because this time without you is never-ending
And all I can do is keep writing and keep on sending:

My thoughts, jokes, dreams, and love
And hope they find you and embrace you like a glove;
Showing you how much I care and what you mean to me
And that being with you is the only place I want to be:

Because the anxiety, loss, and sadness I now feel is hard
Hard to deal with, and so I sing sad love songs like a wandering bard;
Meandering through my day, confused and lost
I need your warmth now to come melt my heart of this frost:

Because my days get colder and colder without you here
And like an alcoholic drinking beer after beer;
I need you constantly because I go into withdrawal
So when you read this, I hope you call...:

Y.T.

At night when I awake, I still dream
I see an image of you dancing on a moon beam;
The light is your stage and I'm in a trance
As you wink and you smile with a seductive glance:

You extend your hand, outstretched for mine
I'm nervous, but your look tells me it'll be fine;
I take your hand and stand next to you
We are now both encased by the light of the moon:

We hold each other close, as I gaze at you and smile
I don't even realize that we are rising mile after mile;
My breathing comes quick, not from lack of air
I'm  nervous, i need you, and run my hand through your hair:

Higher and higher past all the cosmic debris
I pull you in closer and we share a kiss;
There's no going back as we're locked in an eternal embrace
To explore the unknown, a comet of love,  across the universe we race:

I'm a man with a gift for poetry
But this isn’t how it always used to be;
Sure growing up I dabbled here and there
But once my heart was broke it progressed, how is that fair:

Senses are enhanced from A Loss, like hearing from lack of sight
You shouldn’t have to lose to gain, that just doesn’t seem right;
But it’s true I, would testify
And yet I’d rather have my old self back, so much so that I cry:

I’ve sat in a cemetery and envied the Dead
Till the wee hours of the morning, a new day is something I would dread;
But I kept on trudging, just like a good soldier should
With everyone saying just be happy, awesome, and smile, then you’ll be good:

How can others say this like it’s so simple, like turning on a light switch
And like a lamp that flickers, I still have light, but with the glitch;
I still laugh, smile, and care it's true
There are just days I can't help from being blue:

But with you the day's aren't as gray
I wish I always felt this way;
A man with a perma-grin
And those small precious moments are what I call a win:

I'm trying so hard to find the lost me
Going solo it's difficult, I'm a one man search party;
Sadly, I'm the only one who knows his true identity
Who I am, was, and who you want me to be:

I look in the mirror and I’m always surprised at what I see

Who the hell is that always staring back at me;

I’ll just stand there, looking at all his imperfections

And I can see him judging me as well, it’s his daily inspection:



I look at his eyes; they don’t shine nearly as bright

And his hairs that use to be black are slowly turning white;

I mumble something under my breath and he does the same

My eyes meet his as I ask what did you say, I yell this isn’t a game:



Who the hell are you to come into my home

Always there to remind me of my flaws, as I pick up my comb;

I yell more expletives at him, and he does as well

Who’s mad at whom now, I can’t even tell:



I finish brushing my teeth and rinsing my mouth

The feeling I had when I woke is gone, it’s gone south;

Before I shut off the light, I catch a last glimpse and shake my head

As I close the door, I call back like a coward, I wish you were dead:

Fake laugh and smiles are shown
But his true feelings will never be known;
To the world his life is so stable
But there is only a thread left on that steel cable:

It won't take much for it to snap
Then he'll lose it all, no way to get it back;
But that fool still puts on a show
Each day passing him by so slow.

All he knows are pain, work, and bills
No matter the harvest, he still has more to till;
The bounty of his wealth is quickly spent
All he owns are his pen and pad, just to vent:

Tired of the daily grind
No time for respite or to unwind;
He contemplates death, hoping for an out
With that smile, nobody knows what he really thinks about:

A coward that doesn't know what to do
He really doesn’t have a clue;
He just wants this to be over, this isn't a joke
So when he says he wishes he were dead, no truer words were ever spoke:

We as a people want to believe we are all free;
But are we, when people shout obscenities for me just being me?
I am a person of color, born to this nation;
But still disrespected and disgraced with no hesitation.

People still talk down to you regardless of education or how well you speak;
You have to prove yourself everyday, twice as much work it's not for the weak .
And on rare occasions told to go back where you came from;
So I go to my 2 bed room apartment with my wife, daughters and sons.

Afraid of what the future holds for my protégés;
Knowing they will have to walk in my shoes until the end of their days.
What makes a difference time spent in this country?;
Your families been established 6 generations, mines been here 4 doesn't that count for something?

I am a person born into this American Dream;
But not as equal as others, it's not as easy as "they" make it seem.

I've tried and honestly believe I'm still trying,
As I write these word I'm still crying;
You laid the foundation with the brick and mortar for these walls,
The old me from his cell tries to yell and he calls.

But his voice is slowly fading away,
I don't think he'll ever come out again to play;
Now the windows are being covered soon you won't be able to see him,
In this cell that is fast becoming his mausoleum.

He contemplates the crimes he's committed to be sentenced to death,
He can't think of any he was honest, faithful, caring, he really tried his best.
So no more visits no more time,
He sits in his  jail cell for something that wasn't even a crime.

A Man

 

 

A man is first born into this world

A small babe, a bundle all curled;

He lays there so gentle and sweet

Nothing to defend himself, no nails, no teeth:

 

A blank slate waiting to learn and absorb

They pick up on everything, like a glutton they gorge;

So who taught them to be so violent and bold

We watch as, boys will be boys the old adage is told:

 

A man is told he’s suppose to fight for his belief

So he’ll fight his best friends over a disagreement, no matter how brief;

But if that same man is also soft, caring, and sweet

He’s called a *****, a girl, proclaiming he’s weak:

 

Who came up with this definition of a man

Because I can’t follow this creed, it’s not who I am;

I cry at the movies, and get chills from a song

Having feelings and emotions, who’s to say this is wrong:

 

So I’m here for all the men, afraid to find their own voice

The wars we wage, and women we ****, it isn’t a right it’s a choice;

We all have a moral compass that should be followed

And never believe (their) lies, so easily swallowed:

 

A man is he, and he is I

We are all multifaceted, like the sides of a die;

A wise man once sung, he lived for the sake of others, so they could do the same

So I write this poem for him, myself, and you with no shame:

I want my soul to be free
Like a spring breeze out to sea
But that’s not really me
More like it's chained up tight
Like a bad dog that likes to fight
And beaten within an inch of its life
Pushed to the wayside
And at times it hides
And I rarely let it outside
The fire that use to burn trees
Can hardly spark leaves
And is slowly being extinguished but nobody sees
The inner light is not as bright
But there's still hope as long as there's sight
And those who won't let you give up the fight
The lair to the dragon's been breached
And his wrath will leave those without speech
And the only remains of his enemies are bleached
No longer obstacles to overcome
Thinking that they were more then their sum
Their plans have all become undone
The problems of his past are ephemeral
As he tears away the chains of which there are several
The beast is back and even more visceral