Why now do people decide to care
You had your chance now it’s over
Yet you people don’t give up
Can’t seem to take the hint that I’m fine
Do I not make it obvious?
Can u not see that I don’t want or need anyone’s care
I don’t need people to suddenly decide they care

My childhood was thrown away because no one cared enough to watch over it
I was on my own for so long and now people decide to be there
Why be present in the moment of my life that I don’t need u
Why not be there when I did need u the most

Why be absent for her and not me
She was innocent
She needed you
I’m not innocent
I don’t need you well not anymore
12-24-22 11:25 pm

It was never about people loving me. My depression was never cause I thought people didn’t love me. It was because I thought  people didn’t care about me. They didn’t care about how I was feeling. Yeah they said “I love u” but it was never “I care about u”. I was gifted a moment where people actually worried and cared about me. As much as that made me uncomfortable I miss it. I crave it. I miss the care that was shown towards me. The fact that people genuinely cared about me. They weren’t getting paid, it wasn’t their job. They did it because they wanted to. When that was taken from me I broke. I returned to the life where I was naive enough to think people actually cared about me. I was dumb and naive, because when people said“I love u” or “I’m here for u” I believed it. No one genuinely loved and cared about me. I craved for that care.

Its like I was begging and screaming for others to notice I wasn’t okay. To notice I was hurting. To show and prove to me they actually love and care about me like they said. No one noticed, the people I wanted to notice didn’t. One person did tho and when they did I felt relieved. Relieved to know that someone actually noticed, someone was going to help.

Tho I still question my purpose in life. I’m just existing for no reason. There is no meaning to why I’m alive. I no longer want to hurt or **** myself. I’m just at a point in my life where I’m questioning my purpose in this place we call earth. But I’ve grown to accept that no one loves me. That I have no purpose in this world. No one does. We just exist and are expected to live a life. A life of pain and misery.

I feel lighter and happier but the questions never stopped. I don’t think they ever will.
1-29-23

College without my high school friends is difficult
I want to live every experience with them
Share the same excitement and joy for something

Sometimes I forget I’m not in high school anymore
For a moment I think about where my friends are
I expect an old classmate to appear within the crowd
Once I see the strangers I remember my reality

I’m so desperate for love in a way
one may not think about
I dream of loving someone with all my being
To express my love so freely with no fear of rejection
I don’t want to experience someone else’s love
I want someone to experience my love

The life being stripped from their eyes
Their souls on the ferry to the afterlife
At the moment death has you too
Has you riding the ferry of grief
Staying aboard as if you live there
Each room a living nightmare
Each room a feeling you can’t escape
Many visit the ferry of grief but few leave
Many believe they have escaped but no one truly escapes the void left when you lose that someone special
No one can escape the numbness  once you remember you never got to say goodbye
Remembering their soul is on another ferry never coming back
But as many say “nothing last forever”
Not the hugs, laughs, late night talks, or the promises that lay in the air wishing for them to come true
If any of us had one wish it would be to relive every memory with them
To ride the ferry of life with them one last time
7-3-23

I wonder when I can meet the person who will make me feel loved and alive
It feels so lonely and depressing waiting for them
To be so alone in my thoughts that I start to believe them
Wishing someone could come and quiet them while holding me
Until then I must wait patiently for my heart to be fulfilled

Te extraño
Extraño a todos los que perdí
Todos los que tuve que despedirme Simplemente porque el tiempo dijo que yo tenía
Extraño el tiempo que pasamos juntos
Todas las risas y sonrisas que compartimos

Entiendo que tuviste que irte, pero ¿por qué?
porque de esa manera
porque tuviste que dejarme
Por qué
Por qué
Por qué

Te voy a extrañar
voy a llorar mucho que el tierra se va a ahogar
nunca estaré bien sin ti
Porque cuando te fuiste te llevaste una parte de mi
te perdono por dejarme
Por el tristeza que me distes
6:08 pm 3-31-23

How lovely your voices sound together
Like the ocean they flow easily
A calming sound to a hectic mind
A beautiful melody mixed together by your lovely voices
A melody that has my soul flying to heaven
Voices so enchanting it’s like I’m stuck in a spell
Oh how it makes one feel like they’re floating
Floating in the sea on a warm day
Your voices bring me peace
Reminds me of a time where life wasn’t like a hurricane
The sounds of your beautiful melody is the one moment I get of feeling like I’m in heaven
4-22-23