I am a complicated human being.
I have been called cruel.
But I wasn't born this way.

I have been criticized and made into impossible situations.
Made certain to never trust the ones I love.
Gifted social awkwardness that stems the branch.
From a group of friends who didn't want to associate with me.

I didn't make the choice to be a ****.
I just had parts of me that were pressed and forced into it.

I am an anxious person.
Called weird, alone, unattractive and lazy.
And only my huge ego could weather the storm of those opinions.
I grieve the humble kid who couldn't survive the abuse.

I am a complicated human being.
Made complicated by difficult circumstances.
And in the end, I hurt a lot of people.
I made a lot of people very uncomfortable and blamed them for it.

I lied and I cheated.
I hurt and I blamed.

I don't curse you for not wanting to be in contact with me.
But I think I know why.
That you no longer love me, that I will never stop loving you.
I was a bad attachment, while you were precious to me.

And a toxic man is easier let go than a caring woman.

I'm a better man now.
I can trust and defuse difficult situations.
In addition, I study and continue drawing insights.
I've a great worldview and have not found inconsistencies.
I accept, let live and care deeply.

It would have been great to go on a few fun dates!
The me of now is a bit better at these situations.
I still struggle with many things, but my achievements long outweighed them.
My feelings have not changed.

You are the reason I am a better man.
I think it's a little odd that your absence was the initiator of it.
But maybe it was a catalyst in a brew already awaiting reaction.
And if I never see you again, my value for you will never expire.

It's the water in the lake.
and the waves crashing in the sea.
Where multiples and coefficients dance.
And the world turns around to laugh at me.

What makes bluebirds spur to fly.
And spiders crawl into the dark.
The comfort brought from a loved ones touch.
And their desire to never be apart.

Where the tide rose and eroded the shore
Remain the furrows of you and their long depart.
Clinging on, the desperate soul weeps.
For the hopes and dreams of a cruel heart.

They crept and crawled behind the rocks.
Eliminating innocents as they went.
Hiding in the underbrush.
The unstoppable force in the middle of the night.

The sentries see movement but can't pinpoint them.
They are everywhere.
Enemies in the left, the right, the remote camp and the pass.
Tension as the moment before a great battle.

First came the rocks, the spears, the guns and then the missiles.
A hail of bullets, mortar and firebombs.
The radios are jammed and no one is spared.
It's a simultaneous attack on all fronts.

Totally paralyzed, the commander lays flat on the ground.
The enemy are not assuming control.
They are entities of pure violence.
Every kick and every punch reverberates through his body.

And they vanished. As if never there to begin with.
The land is scarred, the forest is ash and the last defenders are scrambling.
It was as brutal as an avalanche.
It went as quickly as the wind.


The general wants to know what happened, but he knows best.
He knew it was just a matter of time.
Until a thought caused a memory cascade.
The crack in his mental **** brought about the tsunami.

And it was love.
It was love unfettered and bludgeoned that held a knife to his throat.
Love sent the message loud and clear
That it would not be ignored.

"She might come back."
"She might see these poems and think of you."
"She might unblock you on facebook."
"She might send you a message on hello poetry."

These are the words I sometimes hear and tell myself in my head.

But the love of my life left for another guy.
My hatred has evaporated into exhaustion.

I am a very tired man.
Ready to watch the world spin until my life expires.  
That's where our story ends.
The story of you and me.

The sharp serrated words that hack away my hope.
My empty eyes glowering at this memory.
And I take a drag, breathing out love and loss.
All the while dressed in detachment.

It took every mistake in my life to bring me where I am now.
And you were with me, even when it was bad.
I took your love and abused it.
On nights like these, it's a horrible time remember my tears.

Hey, I'm your ex.
It's been a really long time since I talked to you.
How are you doing? What has your day been like?
Do you think you'll want kids soon?

I've been doing hard of it.
I don't think my days can continue as they are.
It feels like no matter how much I try to change.
I can't quite move from where I start.

The weird part is, you don't know me.
I was an abusive ***.
And right now where I am, I can't reconcile him.
Who you fell in love with from the past.

But I'm still your ex and I miss you.
I wish we could talk a little more.
I never did quite get over you.
Though, what you did rattled me to my core.

But I don't blame you.
I have long since moved on from that day.
I thought you still loved me, and, well, I was wrong.
I have never been able to trust what people say.

I've tried to get in contact.
My messages to you receive no reception.
Scores of poetry line a man with a traumatic past.
Who never received, even an ounce, of physical affection.

My actions are still respecting your wishes.
When you wanted to cut me off.
You told me so, to leave you forever.
Divide the sea from the whorf.

I looked over some old messages from you.
Its really frightening how I had put on such airs.
I never trusted you, but I grew to, somewhat.
It's a shame I couldn't give you my soul to bare.

I never meant for it to be this way.
I feel like I couldn't have done any better, anyway.
And I'm just telling you, as I had before.
The man you knew, is not the man I am today.

He is so far divorced from his honest feelings, he can barely grasp them.
He is so stressed by his past, he can never confide in.
He is so untrusting of his relationships, he could never partake with.
And he certainly didn't receive the help he needed, as it would always deride him.

As I struggle through my recovery, I can't help but miss you.
Well I always have.
I wish things weren't the way they were.
They do make me very sad.

And they remind me of all my betrayals I ever felt.
Not that I made it easy.
And for you, I certainly did not.
My hopes were dashed that you would ever see me.

I'm not a bad guy, I'm not a good guy.
But I try my best, always to be honest.
I think if you knew me, as I am now.
You would know, to love you always I have kept my promise.

But being kind isn't all that special.
And being deep isn't all that rare.
And these qualities of me now, you found somewhere else.
And so this regretful loneliness I bare.

There's a hollowness in me.
It spreads out from within my heart.
It bends the mind and breaks free.
And causes my relationships to break apart.

There's an emptiness in me.
It's the touch of holding hands.
It's my head resting on your shoulder in relief.
And the loving embrace that holds till the last.

There's a missing piece of my mind.
That knows how to ask for a kiss.
That discovered love when he was blind.
And he asked for help when his life was amiss.

There's a missing piece of my soul.
That couldn't tell you how I felt.
And I fell apart when I thought about that hole.
And think suicide is kinder than my hand I was dealt.

There are mistakes I continue to make.
They affect me the whole day through.
And on my life, I do stake.
That to myself, and of you I was always true.

There are people who are gone.
And whenever they hope I am happy.
I can't help but feel my mental scars on me adorn.
And think "They cut me off and act so gladly."

There are many fights that I'd avoid.
And avoided with everything I could.
As push me a little more, I'd crumble, destroyed.
And fall, so much more easily than I should.

There is an age that I would reach.
And as time moves on I would move further again.
Every year, I'd thought there would be an intimacy I'd beseech.
And when they tell me "Hold on" I say "Till when?".

And there are people who hurt me.
And more people who think it just.
That I fall from my high horse, free.
And crumble beneath them like dust.

And as my life continues on.
I hope it not draw to a close.
Before this missing piece comes to me thereupon.
My life moves on from this morose.

There is an empty man who cannot see your charms.
As he never knew how love functioned in the first place.
So please, before you see my indifference or carelessness as weapons-of-arms.
Know I can't help it, as I have no parental love to trace.

I have no lovers hold to remember.
I have no emblazoned kiss to my name.
I feel the absence of any caregivers love, so tender.
I feel myself fail again, just the same.

I dreamed about you again last night.
I cried and wailed in your embrace.
When the clouds drew rain from the sky.
As I awoke, you left no trace.

It started without much involvement.
The love i felt would always grow.
I miss her gazing visage and wish to hold it.
And let my feelings, once held back, flow.

I loved you because I grew to love you.
I had no template or care for me in my life.
I was not attracted but attraction grew too.
And if you asked, I'd give up everything and into love with you dive.

But your only flaw seems to be quite evident.
You want truly nothing to do with me.
And I know, I know I have come to accept it.
But the pain of "I love you forever" I told you is quite weighty.

And the pain of "I love you forever." is a promise that hurts 4 years after you cut me off.
I don't know how you say "I don't love you." when you made that promise too.
I think you believe I lied about everything and nothing was genuine of our talks.
But I told you the truth so we could actually start off, together in tune.