my friends keep bringing you up
because they don’t know what happened between us.
everyday i’m forced to relive the heartbreak because we had to keep what we were doing a secret.
all i want to do is cry when i hear your name but i haven’t even shed a tear.
not even when you ended what we had

i only stayed with you to get my fix.
i’m not sure which was more attractive
how you treated me
or
the drugs you gave me.
when we were together
i felt like i could say anything.
it was probably just the drugs.
i only stayed because of the drugs.
that is what i keep telling myself.
i didn’t care for you,
i just used you for the drugs.
that’s all it was.
i was addicted to them
not you
never you.
that is what i keep telling myself.
i was just addicted to the adrenalin.
there was no emotion.
i didn’t like you.
i just liked the things you do.

I bleached my hair a pale blonde
because when we were together,
it was a dark purple.
I’m letting my hair grow out
because when you said you loved me,
it was shaved to almost nothing.
I gave myself a tattoo
because when you laid with me
I didn’t have any.
I am getting over you
because even though i still am attached,
I can’t let myself hurt any longer.
I will change every part of me
just so i’m not reminded.
I will not let you destroy me
because i am the only one that holds the power.

My heart dropped when i read your text.
You said you found another
and you couldn’t be with me.
It sent me spiraling.
I didn’t understand.
If you had truly loved me,
how could you chose someone else?
But now i get it.
You never did love me.
I was just there until you found
someone better.

What am i supposed to do?
Tell you i’m in love with you,
while you’re telling me you love another.

You saw the scars i carved into my skin,
said you had some too.
We shared tales of our trauma
and stories of our lives.
I thought we might end up together.
But you found another.
Hopefully one who makes you smile,
like i once did.
I don’t hate you or even her.
I just hate myself for allowing you in.

I knew what we had was temporary
all because it was supposed to be
“no strings attached”.
Everyone knows how this story ends,
one party catches feelings and is left heartbroken,
until, magically, the other person feels the same.
But that isn’t how my story ends.
Im left longing for him
while some other girl lay with him.