i’ve blocked your number.
i’ve deleted our pictures.
i tell anyone who asks,
“he was just a phase”.
but when i see you with her,
my heart is breaking.
i can’t stand seeing you with another,
knowing that i messed up something great.
i can see my mistakes.
i can see my flaws.
i know i messed up.
but every morning,
i wake up,
and tell myself,
you mean nothing to me.

the night that i met you,
i slept in another’s bed.
when i saw you again,
thoughts of him disappeared.
i forgot every part of me and him.
i just wanted to hold onto you.
but you, my beautiful peach,
had no clue the ties i held.
he owns my heart,
he fuels my addiction.
even when thoughts of you consume me,
i have to run to him for my next hit.

I’m spiraling again,
back into the folds of my illness.
I can see the signs,
I can feel the degradation of my mind.
I know the things i’m doing are destructive,
but they are the things keeping me alive.
The things keeping me alive now,
will be the things that destroy me later.
They will come back to bite me.
They will destroy my body,
more than i could do with my bare hand.
I’m in a downward spiral,
and i don’t have the strength,
to bring myself back up.

Please god, any god that is willing to listen,
free me from my self-made prison.
I locked the door and threw away the key.
Please, anyone that is willing to listen,
help me find the key that i lost.
I can’t see in this darkness anymore.
My eyes are open,
but all i see is my illness.
I can’t see the cell i made myself,
nor can i see the key to escape.

i wish i believed in god,
if only to blame him for my issues.
i wish i believed in god,
just to tell him that he has not beaten me.
i am broken and bruised,
but the blood that stains my past
will not stain my future.
i wish i believed in god,
because when i am in need of help,
i have my mirror to aid me.
i wish i believed in god,
to blame anything but my genetics.
i wish i believed in god,
if only to have hope for the future.
i am not broken. i am not beaten.
i am angry and i will claw my way out
of this hell of my own construction.

i’ve stopped cutting
because i’ve found a new release.
i breathe in the smoke,
each hit destroying my lungs.
i know the danger.
i know the risks.
i don’t care anymore.
i’ve got a self destructive personality,
and, darling, nicotine tastes so sweet.

Are you there, God?
Can you hear my prayers?
Do you see my pain?
Will you forgive the sinners
who curse your name?
Is there a way to save my soul?

Can i still enter your kingdom?
Do you love me unconditionally?
Will you always love me?
Who could ever love me?
Is there anyway to save me?
Are you even there?

Do you wish you hadn’t created us?
Can you love an atheist like me?
Is there even a soul in my walking corpse?
Do you even exist?
Will you forgive all?
Are you even there, God?