mommy i can't sleep
there is a monster
can't you see it?

mommy didn't believe me

mommy i can't sleep
i'm thinking in my head
every night a monster
comes into my bed

mommy didn't believe me

mommy there is a monster
its not under my bed
its not in my closet
but its not in my head

mommy said to me

child i will tuck you into your bed and tomorrow you'll see
there is no monster
you're playing make believe

as i cried in my bed
knowing what's to come
i wanted for my mom
to at least acknowledge what monster he has become

so in the middle of the night
as i saw the monster come
i screamed for my mother

not a sound
but his breathing
not a word
but
"it's ok

*my mother denies the monster
in my father

give me my heart back
i’m desperate to feel
desperate to be something more than a mask
i’m out on my own
and you think you know but at last
i’m accepting i’m a monster
but when the heroes are gone
i’ll put on my good guy armor.

you won't except me into your world
i'm forced to be nothing but
the bad guy in a book

would you be able to comprehend
if i saved you yet again
*what if the hero is a monster?

a very high praise
to an unending god
too bad it's the wrong one
you stretch your hand out and bleed
and scream for what's to come
numb
a heart out of place
it's all morbid to me
a very slow race

mother are you there?
i don't want to be alone
mother can you make it
all the way back home?

what happened on that day
the day you went away
the day you looked into my eyes
and said "i won't be back today"

what did daddy say
to make you say that to me?
what did daddy do
to make you do that to me?

i heard you fighting
again
like i never heard you before
it sounded like a bat
and then daddy slam'd the door

"what happened to your shirt"
i said though i already knew
the look in his eye
was deadly
so i went up to my room

crying in my pillow
i didn't want him to know
i felt your hand on my shoulder
it felt like i was home

mother are you with me?
mother are you there?
daddy's really angry
i'm starting to get scared

mother can you hear me
all the way up there?
in the heaven that you talked about
are you happy up there?

i saw a little girl
in my backyard
eyes as white as day
aways asking if i could come out and play
but the danger that is out there
is telling me to stay

she comes back every time
she thinks my life is about to end
but i've gone through a lot
and i still have fight within

but this time

frozen  closed out
never going out
the cold is too much for me
the last time she called me
i felt a little more ready

because now it's freezing inside
and there's nowhere else to hide
so she reached out her hand
and it was wormer this time

my eyes aren't windows
they're warnings

i know you
i don't know all of you
but i'm there
i'm not the only person in the world who cares
i feel
jesus came to earth
for a moment
just to tell you what you're doing
because the divil was nipping at your heels
because your whole life
you never knew how sanity feels

you keep saying you don't hate yourself
but you know you're suicidal
you can't break down
because you're an idol

you've never been a kid
because you had to take care of them
but it was too much
and all that work
builds up within

you are a fallen angle
and you hit a few clouds on the way down
and you beat yourself out of heaven
so you cut yourself
a frown

because outside
your an insperation
but inside
you feel worthless
but please
stop apologizing
because nobody is perfect

so you need to practice what you preach
pray about your defeat
remember jesus was weakened
so we don't have to be weak

so yes
my friend goes through a lot
and she is silenced by her walk
of shame
looking all happy outside
but she thinks she's the one to blame

but this earth would not be the same
without her wrongs
and rights
so please
don't do God's job
and take your own life

because i love you
my life would be there with you in your grave
i wouldn't be at your funeral
i'd be thinking for our glory days
such as

justin does
stoner face
i like your bike
can i ride you?

i'd remember all these things
and everyday
i would remind you

to to go on a million google docs
all saying i love you

but then start crying
when i realized i didn't love you enough
i didn't talk to you enough
i wasn't there enough
when you were thinking of suicide
i was asleep
and now i'll never sleep again
knowing
somewhere
your lonly enough
to think the thoughts withen
i will cry
my friend
but never say goodbye my friend
i will write
"justin does"
**until you reply my friend

my friend jayden
i used to love him
but now...
i don't know who i'm loving
this person changed
somehow
i thought it was just a mood
but now he's sinning in his anger
i don't know my friend jayden anymore
i wish that i could help him

my friend jayden
needs all the prayers in the world
i pray for him
but it doesn't matter if i can't see his hurt
my friend jayden scars me with the amount of hurt that's going on inside
i just hope and pray
that he will be free from his hurt
in time

it's been a long year
it'll all be different now
to all who made a change
come up and take a bow
but for the rest of us
maybe this time
it's a new year
don't stay behind
don't change who you are
but don't stay the same
be the person you always wished you could claim

i can't see you anymore
the moment we had was gone
i felt so happy with you
but it was too late
when i realized it was wrong

my life was turned upside down
but it was too late to know
it was turned for the worst
and it started to show

i felt like a queen
but i was your slave
i felt in control  
but you controlled me

now i know exactly who you are

sin

and there is no room for you in my life anymore
i chose the house of worship
and now i'm slamming the door

because i'm not a queen
but i am royalty
and i'm not in control
but God will guide me

for there is nothing that he will put on me
that i can't bare
he knew i would get past you
and i will do it again
for the rest of my life
God will save me from sin

and when my earthly life ends
my heavenly life will begin
and my father will tell me
"there no room for him, so come in."

i was up there
on the chair
feeling underground

they said i was the underdog
they meant i was a hound
i was up there on the chair
feeling like a queen overthrown by the silence
but you still told me to dream

i was up there on that chair
thinking of the writing
everyday i was fighting for something i couldn’t do
i was up there on the chair
thinking of you calling us family
but telling me what i couldn’t do.

i was up there on the chair
thinking of my face
every single cut and bruise
now it’s the end of the race

i wish that i could speak, but speech is for the important

i was just there

nothing but a stare

waiting for you to say “i love you”

but i had to choose

i didn't’ want to take all the mental abuse

so on this chair i think of words

big small

or not there at all

everything you should have said

everything you shouldn't have said

when i asked

“if a tree falls in the forest does it make a sound?”

you said no

but you told me i was as strong as an oak

do you not here my fall?

are you not here at all?

“you wanted me to grow, but lowered my self esteem.

if you wanted me to be fixed

you shouldn’t have pulled me at the seams”

so now i’m up here on this chair, thinking of the words

all the silence

i just wanted to be heard

i

am

the chair

just like it does now

i fall

and yes you would hear a tree in the forest

**it cannot make it’s own fall

my eyes are not windows
they’re warning signs
you don’t see how everyday i hide
but i choose to
tell you
to watch out

I've been beat down
torn up
broken
I've had enough
don't worry
i'm still putting myself together
i won't stop till i have
all the pieces

Poetry is not what you think it is
Rhymes and meaning something
Poetry is changing the way you think
Getting closer to being something
getting out the the thoughts you never thought you had
In the mind you never thought you knew
Poetry is not making you feel better
It's making a way for people like you

Poetry is patient
Poetry is kind
It does not envy
It does not boast

These words I have told you
Should remind you of the FIRST Poet
Can you guess who that is?

sometimes real pretty
gets a little ugly
sometimes clean
is a little *****
sometimes you die
for life
you break for healing
so break honey
break

sometimes doctors are the ones doing the hurting
and we all now that strangers
are the ones doing the flirting

what you want
you won't find where you want it

pretty isn't in the magazines
it's in the little things
it's in the broken wings
it's in the rainy clouds
it tells a story
without a whisper
without a mumbling

*you're really pretty

pretty little girls
making it in the high heeled world
picture of health
when they’re really starving themselves
pretty little girls
looking at the scale and cry
perfect on the inside
makeup on the outside
pretty little girls

Learning to accept myself
the way God created me
that's my mission
My priority