I squinch my nose up as the smell of **** plumes out of the truck my cousin hopped out of
Sitting in the back of her car, nauseous because of the smell and half car sick
We sit at a table half eating lunch, half staring at the walls, only small talk
Once best friends able to spend weeks on end together, we've grown apart
Her interests in drugs and boys and things that trigger these rain clouds of thought push me away
I speed to Nana's, desperate for the familiar *****, warm feeling
My grown cousins greet me with empty hugs and greetings and the gap gets wider
I watch as their children run and scream and play and I am swept back to my own childhood
The old joy filled bike races and ***** games of hide and seek ripple faintly
I realize that I'm all grown up, that nothing I can do will transform me into the toddlers I watch playing in the yard
The feeling leaves me hollow inside, devoid of the wonder of childhood and struggling to fill the peculiarly shaped hole growing up has gouged into me
The further I go the wiser I get, and the more unhappy I become
I'm left confused as to how magical this place, these people were when I was so young
And how dull, and futile it's all now become with age.