the problem is,
i know theres something wrong
i know by the way i go from trying everything at once
to dropping it all in sullen silence
i know by the way my voice shifts from high pitch
to a monotonous quiet drone
i know when i lay in my bed staring at the ceiling fan
i know by the way i draw, play, sing, and dance
to laying on my couch, not really watching the tv
and i know mostly when i pray
for God to make the dreary go away

I feel separated from everything that is happening
Like the audience attending a musical, watching
Not involved, yet knowing everything that's happening
It's the strangest feeling of being unconnected,
And I have to say, I'd rather be a performer than the audience

I so badly seek approval from friends teachers and coaches because I don't feel the approval from my family

Everything in the air was toxic
The smoke consumed us all
Grey and green and black
My eyes barely open and my legs
Shaking, head completely cloudy
The smoke was even inside my mind
It swirled inside my brain and
Fogged up my vision as I inhaled
So much smoke
Everything in the air was toxic
Including your lips on mine for a second
Everything was grey too
The dim headlights on a gravel road
The trees were grey too, the sky
The poisonous exhaust in the beams of the headlights
The smoke coming from the four cigarettes on the ground and the smoke coming out of my mouth and yours
It was all toxic and it was all grey, and I don't regret doing it because I learned from it
In a way it was a poisonous kind of beautiful, that night
But the kind of poisonous that would **** you,
So I must not do it again

I wear messy buns to school
And a silver cross neck less my best friend gave me
I enjoy strumming the same four chords on a pink ukulele  
And enjoy staying late after track just to hang out with the coaches
I am now always listening to Jimmy Buffet and putting on sun screen
And am obsessed with plants, especially my new garden
I pray the divine mercy novena prayers at night
And I spend my school days looking up future mission trips, going on ifunny and taking personality quizzes
Catch me shipping superheroes and being obsessed with Deadpool
Or reading the newest Louis T conspiracies
I spend my free time in the hot tub or on a jet ski
My favorite time of day is around 7:30- 8 AM when the sun rays turn bright yellow
My favorite season is spring because I love green a lot now
I'd say I'm fairly happy, but am prone to depressed moments throughout a day
My family is tense and awkward but I love them all
And my life is very enjoyable

Help me to love the parts of myself I hate
Help me to love my nose, chin, and smile and hair
Help me to love my body, chest and hips and legs
Help me to love my personality, my bad jokes, awkwardness, and loud mouth
Help me to love myself
Please
Help me to love myself

She, in three weeks, has had 3 different guys
(Yeah I'm happy for her)
But each time she tells me about the new guy the deep hollow pit inside my stomach gets a little deeper, a little more empty
It seems like everyone has someone pining for them
Well that is except for me
I don't mean to ***** and complain and wallow in self pity
But this has been inside of me and I guess I need an outlet
It's like a punch in the face when I'm with friends and then we take a picture and everyone seems to look 17
Except for me
It hurts when people ask if I'm what 13 or maybe 14?
I mean I didn't realize how premature I am until now
And I can't tell you how much I hate it
I hate having to wear make up to look a year older, and even then I only look like a freshman
I despise bathing suits
I detest clothing that tightly fits because it is supposed to accentuate natural feminine curves
But I have none so what's the ******* point besides making it even more obvious I don't have them
It hurts not being able to shop for bras
And ******* like ******* it hurts when your best friend tells you "aw it's okay one day"
Because it sounds like my mom saying I can't ride in the front seat of the car
It's belittling
And I already feel little enough
It hurts looking at bras and **** online because none fit you
The worst part of all is probably all the "one day you'll grow sweetie"
That only makes it even more of a reality
So I guess the best idea is to **** in that part of myself I hate and not share that often or else I get those comments that hurt more
so I'll keep holding **** in because that's what I'm good at
And we can all pretend I didn't go ***** off like this