Something empty
Something forgotten
Something lost
Something begotten
Strange how we feel at the bottom.

The clock ticked back one
Backwards and complete

Muck and stench,
This war's hell bent
On taking our lives away.
This is a soldier's game,
One never meant for men
Even in the darkest day
Hell has no hold on us
The devil has already had his way.
Kneel down and pray,
The sun kisses your face,
And your brother lies awake.
Eyes wide open
Take me away.

Several years ago
Life led me to a fork that went both ways
One was known and everything I had been raised to be
The other was singular and marked with shame
The former was the only one I was supposed to take
A simple lie is all it would take
A sip of kool-aid to dull the pain
But I couldn't kneel before another's game
So I took the latter
Beginning a journey that belonged to me
I lost what childhood had given me,
I watched family and friends turn away
At eighteen that was a bitter thing
Deracinated from everything
It left me grasping to make sense of anything
As a child I had always been told about people like me
I had taken the red pill
The lies went away and I had to rebuild everything
I made home for myself
Not out there
Where the world spins without wait
But inside
Where my shadows dance and play
And I found my way
I still don't know where it leads
Or what I'll be along the way
But I've made peace with the pain that led me this way
And all the friends and family who have gone away,
Because I didn't see life their way
Now this path doesn't seem so lonely and the shame that marked the entrance was a lie to frighten me away.

Deep and endless
Echoing out its haunting call
Beckoning all who roam
Promising silence of the demons
And anything plaguing your soul
It has many names
Each a shadow of its true self
Filled with daisy fields
And lazy skies drifting by
Dreams and hopes answered
Or crushed so you can die
Whatever your wish,
Whatever your desire
It can be found here.
We all see it
Some stop and gaze into it,
Some jump right in,
Others pretend it isn't there
The abyss calling our names.

When the years have passed
After they have torn me apart
When I look down
And see my bloodied feet
I'll sit down and sleep
My wandering days no more
Or so I hope
Home is waiting
And I've been longing
For a place to rest my weary soul.

I remember hearing it on the radio.
There were only three stations then
Mom didn't listen to rap or country
So we listened to classic oldies.
It was just me in the backseat
Too small to be without a carseat.
It had an airy beat
And the melody was sweet.
Four-year-old me thought the song was for me
I lived in a desert where the heat was hot and the ground was dry,
I too had met the fly with a buzz.
So this song became my theme
While I'd dream of rain
Wistfully waiting for a cloud to cover me.
I hate the heat but it rarely burns me
The desert is a quiet place
Filled with vultures and ravens circling
If you listen you'll hear the valleys sing
And you'll appreciate a spot of green.
Your reflection is the only face you'll see
If your lucky you'll forget your name,
The empty sky will give you no pain.
I smile like a kid in the backseat when I hear the story of the river that flowed,
Listening to the story it told.
Now I tell those stories too
It may be odd this song does this to me
But nothing else quite makes feels this much at ease.
The desert isn't where I want to be
But I appreciate the ground when it speaks,
And the vast ocean that once was sea.
I've done the journey,
And my horse has no name.

Just hold me tonight
Don't say a word
Or promise a thing
I don't believe such things anymore
It's dark and I'm shivering
From the battle inside
Just hold me tonight
Don't ask me anything
Let me be
All I need is for you to hold me
I'll do the rest
Just be by my side tonight.

I've been alone even in company
Maybe it will always be so
My heartbeat echoes beyond me
Yet it beats alone
Unanswered
Alone I ache
Desperate to share the load
But I do not wish my burden on another
A sacrificial soldier,
Is what my heart makes of me.
How can it weep asking for relief?
When it cannot see it's making a martyr of me

I saw a wound today,
For the first time it bothered me.
I've seen death,
I know the cuts,
To be made to free muscle from skin,
How could a little blood and flesh bother me today?
Have my eyes lost their hardness?
I know the feel of bone,
And all the names of its marks and holes.
Why did it bother me so?
I've seen the body as many never should.
Today maybe my soul finally understood,
And it made another's pain its own.

Electric skies
Arcing home
Where souls roam

The universe came to play
With a sack of jewels
Scattered from antediluvian hands

A beauty of creation,
The void has been
All who were will come again

Light and shadow seeking gems
Stars of dust
Scattered in our skin

Why be any less,
Embody creation's whim
A breath of ancientness within

I dreamt of an old friend
And I dreamt of an old enemy
One came to me and said,
"How has life been?"
The other asked,
"Gotten anywhere since we were kids?"
We talked for a bit
I made peace with one
And remembered the other
One apologized and said she understood now
I nodded and said I know I'm different
My hair isn't blonde and eyes aren't blue
I don't call this place home,
I don't worship same as you.
I walked away feeling sort of strange
After all these years I know they were one of the same.

Prometheus brought the fire
Defied the gods so there may be light.
A titan strapped to cliffs
Tormented eternally for his gift.
I wonder if we hear his cries.
Have we made his suffering worthwhile?
Do his acts of defiance stand proud?
Or do his cries fall on deaf ears as we war and act with no love in our hearts?
Prometheus came
He lit us on a dark day
When gods feared what we would be.
An anthem has been written
It's sung by spirits in the fires of our souls.
He suffers for the fire he gave
Let's make sure it doesn't go cold.

What I know I've never seen
It comes from inside
This place I reside
Speaking of wrong and right
Where fairytales are written and myths live in might
A chaotic place of dark and light
Behold its beauty and beware its bite

They warned this was not easy
Who you ask?
The voices in my head,
My demons of the dark.
I took the journey anyway
To a place within
Searching
And what I've found is I was never who I thought
The voices entreat me to be patient
And my demons comfort me when they see I've gone too far.
If I've come to a place where my demons comfort and pity me
Have I journeyed too far?
In my dark travels.
Perhaps I've always been a tortured soul and my demons never were.

A slip of silver shining in the moonlight
Crescent midnight sun intoxicating dead to life
Molten iron in a mouth full of strife
Hot fires raging inside,
I hear your cry
Anger and fear blinding everything in sight
Brother can you hear me now?
The day is won
There is no more blood to slay
I know you never left the fight
Peace is hard when you've seen the hate in people's eyes
You've been breathing red haze
And now you've forgotten who you are
Brother listen to me now
Take my hand and hold it tight
We'll find sanity's light
I'll rinse the blood stains from your eyes
We're both built for the fight
Let me be by your side
Hold my hand tight
I'll take us down to the river tonight
Where we played and make-believed
My brother I'll join you for this fight
Coming home is a long journey of the night.

I turned on the gas till the flames took light
Watched the fire with flames in my eyes
Walked right in
Flames didn't even touch my skin
Cursed soul
Can't even burn alive
Heart tempered by starlight
Smoke in my lungs
Devil's child I've become
Special light
For every breath was my lullaby
Candlelight and explosions bright
The flames are the only time I feel alive.

Small enough
Gentle love
Rescued from the dust
Finding warmth in my thoughts
Little life
Burning strong
Connecting me with what I lost
Snuffed out so quick
Six inches deep
My love won't die at any cost
Ashes in the breeze
Named for birth and release
Ashes bringing home to me
In a mouse so small.

I wrote a story of something in my mind
It grew rather long and felt like pulling a thorn from my side
I know not from where it came or why it calls me home
But I gave it life and claim it mine
All the loves and losses
And the characters who live and die
It's a beautiful and frightening thing
To see a world and a people exist in your mind.

Voices dripping off the walls
Music playing through the halls
The world's eye
Spinning around the drain
Insanity whispering sweet calls
Empty knocks at the door
Tick-tock of the handless clock
The curtain dropped
Haha sing the song
The world is gone, the future went so wrong.
Stop and stare
The show has begun!
Players basking in the rising sun
Let the circus run
In the streets and in your homes
They're watching to see what you've done
As they sharpen their butcher knives just for fun.
Hahaha
Dance down the halls
The joker has come to lead us all
Down the spiral staircase
The masters wait
For their puppets to behave
Scratch the walls
Tear them down
The illusions were meant to fall
It's empty towns
The minds couldn't cope to stay
Left the place
We stayed when the asylum has come to play.

A friend's request
I rise to meet
A dovetails nest
Resting steadily
Perched ever so gently
On a perilous peak
A nudge and the young will tweet
Plunged into eternity
A request complete
Bittersweet
Broken free
The time has come for awakening

Someone once called me demure,
I didn't know the word
I looked it up that night
It stuck with me ever since
I'm quiet, I know
But the beast growls low inside
Begging for release
It distracts me sometimes
I don't hear what you said or I nod solemnly
To hide my inner longing to be free
I'll keep my face in the light
And I'll growl at night

My lungs bent the air
Making my breath come and go
The blood in my veins runs like water
My heart bent it through my body
My bones stand like stone
They bend my knees to the ground
The fires of my mind burn bright
In imagination I've made the sky.

A year ago today,
I came to this new land
Knowing not what to expect,
Whether I’d feel at home or not

A year ago today,
I gave my old life away
I boxed and packed it safely
For the day I planned to return

Now today,
I can’t say this is home,
But on the eve of a brief return,
Home is not home anymore.

I believe I’ve lost my way,
To say I had it once seems foolish now to say.

The ground under my feet,
It’s not the same,
And that’s okay.

I’ve lost my way…
The realist thing I’ve never said
And I don’t mind wondering
If I’ll find it before my last sun kissed day.

A bird flew today
Through the leaves
And trees
Knocking dying leaves from their keep

A bird fluttered today
In my heart
Or in my stomach
I never knew

A bird left today
Taking the warmth
And summer daze
With prompt haste

A bird told me today
To take it easy
Let myself be
Spring will come

For now let death have its peak.

A bitter truth I sit down to write
But the words stop and nothing flows
So I sit and think
Stare at the wall and wonder about the paint
Is it grey or primer paint?
Then I remember what I came to say
If only the words would stay
So I decide to come back another day
Only to find the words at 2 am
There goes another night of sleep
Written in four words I weep
"Why can't I sleep?"

Joints of black holes
A massive frame held together by gravity
Fabric of everything
Woven destiny
Beyond complete
I watch the swirling stars
Spinning galaxies
In the tide of being
Finding more is expected of me
Legs pulled taut by majesty
A drop of universe to breathe
Wonderous and terrifying
Which do I choose to see?
Both make demands of me
Black holes gaze down,
At me on bended knee
Asking if I'll let myself free.

I’ve rinsed these bones for the last time
The gristle of struggle is gone
And the sinews of grief have been stripped away

These bones are white as light now
I set them out in the sun
Ready for scorching relief

These bones are ready to leave
They’ve dug into the ground
And found mother’s hearth

I buried these bones tonight
I’ll dig them up when it’s light
Pile them up for the passerby

These bones are full of life
Waiting for the gentle patter of rain,
And God’s grace

I’ve carved my name into one
So it speaks of me in the beyond
And perhaps when the time comes I’ll hear it whispering my name

I tied my laces tight
Bloused my pants and secured my vest
Canteens sloshing stale water
With a ninety pound ruck on my back
My buddy jokes I weigh just as much
A pen, knife, sunflower seeds and 550 cord
Kevlar helmet strapped to my chin
A sure weight slung on my shoulder
Its cool embrace always in my hands.

****** heels inside my boots
Exhaustion makes this dirt feel great
Embracing my rifle like a lover at night
I don't care I'm atop rocks and brush
I'd sleep on the firing line or in a ditch if it meant some shut-eye.

The air rocks with blasting sounds
Waking me from sleep
My exhausted mind hearing cries and shouts
I grip my rifle tight and silence myself
Hearing footsteps crack the ground
I should be scared I know
But all I feel is anger over my lost sleep
Fear slipped away the moment I laced my boots.

Ambushed on a lonely dusty road
My heart did not skip a beat
In the mud and pain life became a game
Grit my teeth and walk again
Laughing when insanity hits
Sleeping on shells
Rolling my eyes as the guys play a game of 'worse smell'
In it all I saw myself
It was too easy,
This road to hell
And I feared a soldier shared my cell.

Dark and damp
A cube, five by five
Squirreled away from the light of day
Locked away
For protection
For who I cannot say
A child or a monster
Probably both
Pandora why did you shut the box?
Left in my care
Only one remains
Locked in each of us,
For another day
Hope wasn't let out to play
She stays inside the little box
Prisoner to us
I wonder if she despises us
For keeping her contained
I would release her
But this box of mine doesn't know how
So I'm opening the door
Letting child and monster see inside
The horrors and wonders hope provides

Whiskey fine
Brandy wine,
The former I shouldn't drink
The latter is just fine.
Brandy is warm and eases my throat when it aches,
Whiskey makes me question life,
Too much for my liking.
I'm a simple type,
I rarely drink sweet, fruity kinds.
I'll drink ***** as the Russians do,
One shot followed by a pickle or two.
But I do not drink much,
Just a taste.
Each time the bitter burning liquid touches my tongue,
It reminds me that I'm still here and I still have much to do.

The stools are hard
And the counter soft with treated wood
Metal trashcans turned over for tables
An unfinished game of checkers in the corner
Faint scent of burning frankincense
A group stands around outside
There is a bonfire tonight
They laugh and joke
Forgetting life for a little while
With a pint in hand and smiles grand
While you and I sit inside
Tasting a new ale that's come around
Watching the clouds come in
You complaining over the match
An old game but somehow your city lost
I nurse a bitter ale though it's quite nice
Enjoying the voices of this small town
We toast like they do in your home
Nazdarovya!
To our health

Roots burrowed deep
Roots burrowed shallow
A tree clinging to a cliff
While climbing to the sky,
Cancerous roots
Spreading out
Grasping ground
Solid foundations
Ill winds won't knock it down,
Twisted tree
Its bark is scarred
Old and gnarled
Survived a lightning strike,
A squirrel family
And a woodpecker or three,
Aged back to Roman days
Its past pain is clear to see
A beauty unique
Should I live thousands of years
I think I'd be as twisted as this tree

In the shade the desert ground is blessed
In scars survival fights
In broken ground life is sewed
In storms water is split
What is pure was distilled
What is life but a healing wound
Broken hearts and souls
Empty grief within
The cracks let strength grab hold
The end isn't coming
The beginning has just rung in
Broken vases
Has made you see
Just shells hiding are we
Set down the burdens and you'll be free.

A wound not always seen
Or thought of seriously
Multitudes of colors for a clot
Red at the first pain,
Blue for the fresh,
And violet when it stains,
Green when it begins to die,
And yellow as it fades

Mine has started to ache
The blow was harsh
But the tears have passed away
I wish it were bruise
That I could ice and care for gently
But the pain runs deep
Not in the body but in my spirit
It took a beating the other day
It's been weary anyway

An assortment of colors I'll be
A box of crayons for anyone who looks deep
Perhaps instead of the ache,
I'll draw and paint
Make use of my colors
And find a blank page.

Burnt orange
Pastel of pink
Intermingled with purple hue
Breathy haze
Of mountain cool
Aspen and pine reaching high
Meadows of deer grazing in dusk's light
A peaceful fading sight
Full moon rising
Broached by tips of trees
Beautifully rising night
Burnt orange
Of smoky skies
Mountains rising above the hazy light
Breathe this burning sky
One last time.

Let me go
Where my skin touches ground
It's peeled off and falling now
I'm left with muscle and bone
Each taking penance as they bend down
I've dropped to my knees
Anger burns my eyes
Something left
From these burning wounds
The bones are collapsing
The cage will open soon
The beast growls
A reckoning is in it's snarl
I should fear it's primal call
But it beckons me
From bended knees and broken bow
I feel it's cold in my veins
Calling to me
One step closer now
The caged beast will make me complete
As I cast off this mortal shroud
Dancing wolves will answer me
Blackness of the void call to me
I hear your distant shout
Murmuring as I kneel upon the ground
I answer your call
Because it is the last sound
I have nothing more to give
No further to go
Skin has fallen and bones have cracked
I've burned the last of me
My offering is complete
Consume me
We'll be complete
The darkness is what we'll be
A monstrosity to all these light beings
A beauty to all who can see
I call to thee
Open the cage and set you free
**** the road to hell for all it seems
I've found eternity

The creek babbles just outside
Aspen leaves blow gently in the moonlight
Mice scurry for the snacks they think we've left behind
Despite the chill I'm warm tonight
You lay beside,
Breathing softly, asleep
It is the last night
Your arms wrap me tight
It's been a long time
But my empty feel persists
Knowing my thoughts betray what's inside,
Once again our ships are passing in the night
My thoughts scream
It wasn't meant to be
I ignore them for a taste of life
Just tonight
I know I'm free
A blend of pain and peace
Will it always be?
Let me sleep
Falling with nothing but the creek and trees
I hope they catch me before the scream is released.

It’s an easy swing,
From happy to sad
Like a carousel,
Horse or tiger up and down,
A childish analogy.
Today’s the best day or,
Yesterday wasn’t so great.
Riding on this merry-go-round,
Everything is going to be alright,
Worries will take their turn in stride.
Oh to rise above these white clouds,
Storms and Summer breeze,
Blow on by.