I fell in love with half of you
The half i knew
The one you showed to select few
(Typically the girls you wanted to swoon)
And i loved you
So full of yourself, untouchable
Desirable
The ****** begging to be tainted
Begging for me to be the one to take it
(So i did)
And i loved you.
But the second half you hid well
And only now do i find
I wasn't the only girl
Who had come to your mind
(I wonder if they still do from time to time)
I still love you
Even if your second half's a ****

You don’t wanna know what goes on in my head on cold winter nights
When everythings wrong and nothing is right;
Even my own mind scares me sometimes.

I guess I'm all moved in,
I can't tell where he ends and I begin

Why is it that i give so much
To everyone
Make them feel special on their day
Yet when my time comes
No ones there
To make me feel the same

Wanderlust yet stuck in our own home town
Dreaming of the day we wake up to crashing waves
next to each other in the back of a pickup
Searching for our souls in the stars
Chasing embers as they fall down like snowflakes
burning our skin at first touch
Feeling the soft dirt between our toes
as we get lost in our backyard
Leaving handprints on foggy windows
after we realize the sun had set hours ago.
Losing ourselves in the smoke, the music and each others skin;
We are the reincarnated flower children
living recklessly in the present
Dreaming endlessly of the past
and not looking forward to the future.

Have I driven you to the edge?
Have I plucked each plume from your back
And told you, you'll manage?
Have I dug our grave months in advance
Each night i refused to pray?
Have I ruined us?
Did I break us?
Is the sun finally out for good.

He held me close while the town exploded
and whispered comforting coo's in my ear
We laughed while the cars burst into flames
and danced in the tear gas and beer bottle glass
The war raged on and all we could do
was smile at each other and think
This could only happen once
Only once could we find love in such a horrible place
Only once could we walk away knowing
this was the day that changed everything

I thought I did finally find it, the place I close my eyes and see
the valley;
filled with the greenest grass that's just the right height
so you can run without scraping your knees
Every day I spent in awe, wandering
exploring those hidden wonders
the creek for example, three miles south
or the collection of fairy rings a little farther down.
It was everything. It was mine.

One day I decided to head to the creek,
stick my feet in and see how deep.
At once I was ****** in,
the water was fast, ice cold,
the bottom was no where to be found
I spiraled out of control until
at last I was spit out.
I thought it would be okay then,
but that was the beginning of the end.

The valley was never the same in my eyes,
the sky was less blue, the grass hurt my knees
I walked aimlessly about, finding nothing new
the valley I thought stretched on forever
just ran in loops.
With nothing left to do, I'd head to the creek
dip my toes in just to see if it would happen again;
Without fail I'd be ****** in,
before I'd drown it'd spit me back out.

Eventually I stopped going back to the valley
I stayed by the creek,
dipping my toes,
getting ****** in
cold, wet, dizzy and close to death
before I'd be spit back out
and repeat;
I loved the valley at one point in time,
but I can't escape the creek.

Two days later and I'm born again
I guess that's all you need
a little vacation from reality

****** in like I promised myself I wouldn't
but i feel the words slipping off my tongue
as each day passes
I know I've said it time and time again
but god I've never felt as good as I'm with him

I have become the cliche I hate
But when I'm alone
I know I love it

Happy drunk stumbles on downtown streets
back to your place.
Eat me whole, leave me bare;
Is what I expected at least.
Your eyes looked at me and gleamed,
big arms pulling me in,
and slowly Gambino's jazz tunes turn to
soft snores of defeat.

Yes
reach towards me
touch my hand, trace my thighs
lean forward
and lunge towards my heart
rip it out
and steal the breath in my lungs
then cut the veins
one by one
infront of my teary eyes

Numb
Light a match and youre free
From hands once woven
tightly round your neck.
You can escape for a while
Laugh and smile
Like nothings wrong
Let go of all thats going on;
I try to escape too
But when I light a match
the hands squeeze tighter
Instead of coming loose.

One after one the leaves fall
till nothing's left but bare limbs
where flowers once bloomed
where birds once chirped
where children once climbed
on a tree that once stood so tall and grand
in the middle of a forest full of life

Buried underneath ***** clothes,
Im rotting away like the half eaten food
I somehow managed to get up and make
some weeks ago when the sunshine
didn't scare me half as much as today.
Embarrassed of the state of me,
i clean up nice when friends call and ask
for me to come out and play,
and for the first time in days i go outside
and feel the breeze on my pale and oily skin.
In the strongest attempts at hiding
my easy-read
children's pop up book of expressions
that even the blind can interpret,
I manage to force a smile,
the same one I've practiced in every mirror
for the past 5 years;
A smile so big that even i think its genuine.
Not a single soul sees past this,
not my friends nor mother or brother.
But somehow,
maybe because of the countless hours spent with him,
maybe because my cheeks get tired and i give in,
he knows of my charade,
see's i have no sense of direction but downwards,
and gives me a weak grin;
The one you give a child
when he asks if his goldfish will wake up,
or if daddy will ever get better.
We know its a waiting game
for my imminent implosion,
the ticking time bomb buried within my mind,
set to self destruct at the next pull of a trigger.
Accidental or not,
now or later,
my come down will be our last;
A commitment till the end.

The one bedroom apartment;
where your drinking habits only scare your cat.

manic episodes
social phobia
PTSD
generalized anxiety disorder
hyperactive ****** desire disorder
bulimia nervosa
body dysmorphic disorder

Thanks doc for the diagnosis

For a month I had a home, our home away from home
neither mine nor his but we had our place
our little niche
our own space.

As the month drew near darker days came more frequent
I'd prefer to stay in bed, I'd let you tuck me in
but not even *** could make me forget
that the inevitable was quickly approaching.

Now that I'm here?
with no prospect of a home in sight
a place to call my own without
throwing myself to the dogs in the process.
The woman and her fangs sink deeper and deeper
the harder I try to run.
As each day passes I grow wearier
as to whether or not I'll even make it.

One day you'll wake up
With a text goodbye
And I'll be in the tub
Bleeding out
Wrists jarred open
With a can opener
Because really at this point
Who am I to disappoint

You're the one who turned to me,
sad,
mad,
disappointed with where things left off.
Look where we are now.

Please tell me you love me one last time before i go
Hush the demons inside me for a little while more
The longer I'm left waiting to hear that you haven't gained a clue
(As to the torment i feel i put you through)
The louder my demons twist my thoughts to destroy my good faith in you.
So please, i know i ask too much but for now all i need from you
Is one last kiss and promise of love before i bid adieu

If you could just stop moving and talking
so I can stare in your eyes and finally
have that moment to soak up the fact
that I finally did something right in my life
that'd be great.

You can do better
**** that
I had better
I had him

He bought me the strokes album, the one I didn't have which
well, that means he looked through all my vinyl and saw the missing part in my collection.

I stopped collecting after you handed me random vinyl you acquired on your Cambridge day trips
**** your lackluster
**** your candor

Sometime in the countless hours of darkness
an 'I love you' rolled of his tired tongue
scared at first but thankful at least
I kissed each cheek
whispering back I love you more than that
more than the moon, the stars, even air
and kissed his lips gently;
There we stayed for hours,
he sighed, closed eyes
skin on bare skin
finally in tune with the universe.

Sixty dollars spent just for this
The fuel to let go of those whispering
Nagging thoughts
Flickering behind my eyes all night.
I spend that money,
Whether I can afford it or not,
And prepare for the fight I know I'll cause;
Because a drunk girl
Always finds something to talk about.
By morning we've made amends
Patched the holes
Fixed up our souls
And you help me count pennies
In hopes of sixty dollars more

You are the anchor holding a ship down
You are the walls of a house with no exits
You are the roots dug deep in the ground
You are a cage with keys thrown away

But

I am the steering wheel, moving forward
I am the window sill, leaving options
I am the leaves in the wind, moving freely
I am the wings on a bird, breaking free

Fridays are my saving grace
driving from my end to yours
finally feeling your lips against mine

Saturdays are spent in your arms
in your bed and around town
smiling as though tomorrow'll never come

Sundays are when it all ends
spent trying to pry me from your clutch
and praying for Friday to come again

Do you believe in soul mates?
Fate?
Chosen paths in lives
And how sometimes
People don't listen to their guide
And stray far away
From their destiny
Ruining every path
They run across,
Skewing reality
More than a butterfly
Ever could?

Sometimes I think I'm too much to handle,
most days.
Mind the skeletons when you come back to my place;
It's been a long year,
or two.

And when things don't go the way I planned,
I burn bridges instead of staying sad.
I suppose I'm a little too much to handle,
most days;
Some days are better than the rest.

I thought I'd changed since we last left,
I thought you'd have changed at least a bit.
I suppose its a little too much to handle,
most days,
but I can't say without you is better than the rest.

Skin opened like a butterflies wings
through death my soul is released
it's lovely, truly
greyish tone, salmon hues
floating somberly towards you

Can't do it any longer so I'll tell myself
for tonight
it's nicer at the bottom.
This ******* hole I keep finding myself in
no matter what I keep finding myself here
so why do I keep trying to find my way out?
I'll grab some blankets and red wine
waiting, waiting, waiting to die.
My only goal is to finish this glass
so I can make my body look the way my insides feel;
chewed up and spit out
by the only thing that ever made me feel pure
god nothing made me feel as good as you;
I fear nothing ever will
and no one ever can
and every night will be the same
every night will be my last;
Every night I'll tell myself I love it at the bottom
until I'll remember what made me try to get out in the first place
and finally swallow that pill bottle.

When you have your heart shattered into a million pieces not once but twice by a dude you gave your all, your everything plus some more too, you never really get it all back.

At first you're completely hollow to the point that you can hear your organs echo up your esophagus at night and no matter how much you wanna cry your tank has been running on empty for weeks no sleep no food just beer and that gets you no where at least no where near to what today was supposed to be but you find your rattling echo bellow for you to walk and start stumbling into bars looking for anything to make you feel something inside. Cheap thrills, cheap drinks cheap men or girls well below your standard sub par notion of what you think your self worth is really worth. Nothing. Empty. Hollow. Fill me up sweetie for the night I'll wake up and repeat rinse wash and repeat another hollow week.

Then you gain a little self worth you start doing your makeup for you and you've lost all this weight from the lack of eating and sleeping and the boys that are a little above sub par self deprecating standards start to ask you things but you're still in limbo and drink a little too heavily and you make poor choices and fall right back into bad habits of falling for boys that don't give a ****. You find that one boy, the first boy that makes you feel a little something and you realize after one night you can't stand to be around comfort for more than a few hours because you're not comfortable; you're timid and scared and don't want people to touch you or kiss you or look you in the eyes that way, the way he did, and when they give you compliments you laugh it off because your self worth is still nothing. You're still empty. But the rattling stopped so that's something.

Then one day you pick yourself out of bed and are suddenly faced with the daunting task of dating again. You drink but not that heavily. You go to shows by yourself and have met new friends and feel like your head is finally back on your shoulders. You rock that skirt you thought you couldn't and revel in the far from straight guys throwing compliments at you on the streets and finally you feel full. But you still can't hold a boys hand for too long without feeling guilt or I guess just out of place. When they ask to sleepover you let them pass out and sneak onto the couch because you can't bring yourself to be that vulnerable with a kind boy with kind eyes who might lie and let you down not once but twice like he did. Not that they're all the same its just you can't shake the wall you subconsciously built up after he left. You can't be that hopeless romantic with the rose coloured glasses waiting for Prince Charming to save you from single suburbia and waltz you away to your dream life. People ****. People always ****. And that's the part of myself I miss the most. The carefree carelessness skipping down the streets, ready to rip open my chest and share my darkest secrets after our eyes meet and we have that spark and everything feels right on track.

That I will probably never get back.

Pointy things stick out yet all I see is plump and rolls.
Lay in bed all day and I keep my mouth shut.
Curtains drawn, eyes sore, hair falling down down.
Just let me turn to dust.

Stop wasting your time on a girl who doesn’t give two ***** about your heart
It doesn’t end with a sunset fading in the distance
She won’t change her mind and her feelings on you,
let alone her passion for leading men on
You’re just a trophy,
an addition to her collection of stolen hearts
Yet you latch on
and don’t give a **** about what I have to say
But hey,
if you honestly don’t want my help,
if you don’t want a friend,
I’m ok with walking past you
as you try to pretend she hates the stares she gets;

Friday night apartment visits dressed in bed sheets
with safety pins scraping against bare backs
center stage: the hookah, the piles of *****,
and always you
this is where it all began I think, pointing to a wall, a floor
I pour another drink, the floodgates fail
I can no longer stare and bite my tongue like before
the words spew out one by one

shutup
I love you
I'm going to get that ******* main floor apartment downtown and
it'd be so ******* rad if I woke up to you every morning
and I could write about how we ****** six times before class and
how your eyes were a new shade of green on October 14th and
how I think sometimes you aren't actually real or
how I think you made a huge mistake picking me
another shot

shutup
I love you
I just wish I was a dancer and yes I'm crying about it
because the way you make me feel can't even be put into words
let alone on paper
I just want to writhe around a room for half an hour
and show you how my mind feels on saturday afternoons in your arms
oh why can't my body do the talking for once
another shot

shutup
I love you
Lets just spend the rest of tomorrow in bed, **** what I said
maybe **** me too if you want
I'd be okay with anything really lets sleep, lets stare at a wall
lets talk about our dreams and how I didn't see you coming at all
just give me something good to write about
once I somehow manage to get away from you and back home

shutup
I love you
don't let me go back home

He makes me thankful
for my sins
my **** ups that led me
straight to him
the months I bled
all suddenly seemed
so much more
in the end

All I want to do is sit and write anything like before
cheesy romance ******* about how your touch makes me feel
or the way your eyes change from hazel to green
depending on how the sunlight hits it
but
nothings coming out
nothings making sense
everything you've done to me is too good for my words
too good for their ears
even though every ******* moment is engraved into my eyes
and replayed every second I catch my breath
or loose the butterflies.

Two hours I've sat perched on my bench,
my family waiting to drown out the inevitable
click clack of my typewriter
because with a smile like mine they know the writing never stops
but this time it never comes
you just have to experience it for yourself.

come sit in the booth with us at the bar
watch us nod and bob and weave to each others voices
or one anothers favourite songs played on cheap guitars
by singers that are sub par.
Experience whatever we should call this,
an amazing friendship with the added bonus of benefits
the beginning stages of what I hope isn't love but dare I deny it
the one person who might end up destroying me
but for now he's just the reason for my torturous
writers block.

Blitzed out of reality when the ball dropped
and he was there
good intentions turned sour as each day passed
but it was good for her
for what I thought was good, it was
when good finally came around though
that is when the fog cleared
Everything before September was a cloudy haze
and will stay that way
A year I partially forgot for good reasons.

I can't be the only one
With voices screaming at me claiming tomorrow is my last
My skin itching for the goosebumps of curiosity
My eyes dilating at the thought of a new high
Kids are screaming down the streets in their bare-feet
Saying you only live once so live wild and free
Heels lost in the parks surrounding our house
Sitting on the rooftops screaming  at the moon
We are young wild and free
and if we die tomorrow we won't die in vain.

You've decided that your heart cannot mend
And that your perfect life must come to an end
So you go and tell the world
But child, the tales edges have curled

Go to the basement and lock the door
Scream through the vents, never more
Find the rope and climb the height
This has been the last fight

'You have no guts to follow through', but you better watch
I'll single handedly tie this rope, and I'll be the one to jump
And when you've discovered that I had been truthful
You'll silently apologize to the sound of silence

I'm in permanent hangover stasis;
A walking bruise with low expectations .

You don't think about death until
The first classmate from high school dies
Of a ******* stupid cause
Lung infection turned collapsed lung
Turned septic shock turned morgue
Since when do you have to worry about that
At twenty one

Why is it that nothing i do proves anything anymore
You keep rereading past chapters
And ignore my rise from the fall
I want nothing more than for you to see how far I've come
But change was never an option
For me at all
So why do i bother striving for better
To prove you wrong?
To make you proud?
One day if you ever shut your mouth and open your eyes to see all that i can be
You'll be proud of me and i can rest
Making amends with my 10th grade regrets