There’s a mystery in living with being apart without letting it separate the bond of your heart
Do I get used to seeing and breathing your air
then missing you most of the time you’re not there?
Is the end maybe near and we both can feel
what it’s like to not imagine, and fruitfully heal?

The distance is as large as the pain it causes
I sit in the half-dark and my heart, it pauses
I find myself wishing for things I have but have not
I’d explain this confusion, how much time have you got
How can one find routine in the unpredictable rhyme
Of a lover that leaves and comes back every time

You talk about me like I created the stars
That’s a hard compliment to take
But the truth is: it’s true
I’ve created them for you
And if my life was at stake
I would create even more
every night if you want me to
I’ll fill up the sky with glitter

I remember playing with it so well
though it’s been ages it feels familiar still
I can hear it whisper comforting words
„Stay a bit and wander in your childhood thoughts”

I hate how you can make my stomach turn
When you text and I could cry
I hate even more how much it all eases away
As soon as you are with me
Why do you make it so?
Why do you treat this ship like a rollercoaster?
You make me understand Kat’s poem at the end of 10 things I hate about you
Again and again, it’s you
And I hate that I love you so

I don’t wanna be you
I wanna see right through
what you’ve become

I don’t wanna be me
I wanna break free
Of this prison of fault

I don’t wanna be her
I wanna feel more
Than all this guilt

I don’t wanna be this
I don’t want to miss
What it’s like to be free

I don’t wanna be you
I wish it was true
That we get what we deserve

Its just a nice thought right?
And then it blooms
And suddenly you are in the middle of a field
Lying in the grass
Looking at the stars
Holding their hand

Thinking
I don’t belong here
What the hell am I doing here
But I don’t mind
It’s a beautiful dream
It’s a beautiful thought
It feels so real
They feel so near

Waking up
From this day dream
The one you’ve been working on for years
Building it up and expanding the world

Thinking
I wish our fantasy world was true,
But it’s good enough to share it with you.

I don’t know about you
But she’s now twenty-two
Didn’t think she‘d come this far
But look where we are
She stepped into her light

She went through the desert
Wading through the dirt
Hoping she will have won
When she captured the sun
But that wasn’t quite right

She figured out the sun
is her loyal companion
And now she knows that
The sun sometimes set

But it will always rise again.

I want to keep my room
pretty and minimalistic
But that’s just not realistic
I have way too much stuff
that I want to have on display
like a wall of memories

So I blurt everything out
and I never shut up

My brain is my room,
it’s just not minimalistic
So keeping to myself is not realistic
There is too much going on

Here’s a little me
showing a picture of my friends
There’s a little me
counting my paintings
And over there’s a little me
Flipping through my albums
and another
counting books
Every wall has a portrait of my dreams
and fairy lights decorating nooks

There are things I want to share
Like how soft my hair feels
When I’ve used my favourite conditioner
Like the warmth of my stomach
When I drank my favourite tea
Like the joy of my giggles
When I’ve made a pun to myself

There’s things I want shared with me
Like the smell of your hair
When you come fresh out the shower
Like the sounds of your guitar
When you’re playing all and nothing
Like the feel of your hand
When I hold it with mine

There’s things that we should share
Like the smell of fresh coffee
When we wake up on a Sunday
Like the laughs about nothing
When we share a good mood
Like the feeling of freedom
When we know we belong

Moments like this make me so glad that I moved away from these small minded people judging every soul they see that doesn’t fit their view
Eager to find someone who fits in less than themselves to look down on

Speaking with the words someone else has set in their mouth rather than thinking of their own
Repeating and repeating without realising what concepts hide behind their words
Words that they won’t uncover because they won’t and cannot take a closer look

Once I almost died.
People say they feel alive-
After that.
I didn’t.
I wish I was-
Dead.

No, I don’t. I’m really not-
That serious.
Just want to know:
When Will it stop?
Just curious.

The first time I saw him was when I was 23.
Actually that's not even true, but that was the first time he stayed.
And he was so close this time.
I had seen him a lot of times when I was younger and still in school.
He visited, but he never came in. He just stared through a window to let me know he was there.

When I was 19 and my boyfriend left me, he showed himself a little more and a longer period of time, after he had left me alone for a few years.

But in that year, when I was 23, he came through the door and stood right in front of me and stared at me.
He didn't even leave for a few days or so.
He just stayed; whatever I was doing and I couldn't even see straight because he was so close.
Sometimes he even hugged me.

Since then he never left completely.
He is always outside my window, waiting to come in.
Before I saw him with me, I had seen him with a few other people.
Lots of people to be completely honest.
But I only knew what he looked like. He was tall, very lean and just pitchblack like the night, like a black cardboard cut-out.
Just like a shadow, he doesn't have a face.
There are not the right words to describe him.

What I didn't know at the time was what it would feel like to be with him.
Since that year I can still see him. With me and with others.
And I can feel how others feel around him.

I wish I wouldn't know how he feels, but I am glad that I can see him with others.
Because there is nothing worse than seeing and feeling him, while people tell you that he is not really there.
It hurts way more than it already does.

So I read
I read and I listen to the voice in my head reading aloud for me, for no one else to hear
I sit under my window and the birds cry for my attention
The tree lushes in green to catch my eye
And the sky blows up in bright blue like screams
But it is no use
The waves in my brain are not crashing in
The electricity turned off by emotions I can’t reach
A blank canvas trying to be painted when the colours melt together like cheese in a pan
The only sound that gets through are the words being mouthed by a bodiless soul stroking a numb silhouette
So I read
I read and I listen to the voice in my head reading aloud for me, the only thing I hear

I know we have fairly different experiences
But I just have to share how I feel

It’s the last,
maybe second to last day of school
Summer is in the air
It’s hot but
there’s a breeze so its also feeling cool
And it feels like potential.

I have the house to myself
The excitement just begins
I can do art and I could just write
Or I could do nothing at all with no one watching
Or judging

And now: the town is my house
There’s art all around
and the breeze is a constant
Like you, in my life
Thank you for that

Just breathe with me
Until the world stops
Those butterflies are my loyal companion now
Listen to this heartbeat
Fast before you get here
Calm when you arrive

Do you feel it too?
The race and the wind?
Looking into those eyes,
feeling our souls touch

Just wait until we know
It's gonna be better than all
This is what it means
To be free but not alone
Remember when we looked?
Now we just listen to it

I am not myself when I'm around you
I am not even myself when I'm alone
How can I be when I was taught
to keep myself away
To lock that mind and shackle that body
So when I'm alone I just sit and think
of things that I could do
But I should get up and play that song
and write that letter
and sing that melody
Because who is gonna stop me?
I don't get up
I don't have the key to free it all
So I'm keeping me to me

Forty thousand years have come and gone
Still we’re here to look at the sky and smile

Fifty thousand grains of sand on this beach
On the shore of admiration and belonging

Thirty thousand dreams of wind and storm
Have come to stay and cloud our minds

Sixty thousand waves in the endless ocean
Brushing over the smallest feeling of hope

Twenty thousand prickles on my whole skin
Leavened by all that’s been left behind

Seventy thousand years will still come for us
To make sure we understand all their ways

Ten thousand voices will be heard for them
When the day comes to make amends

Eighty thousand ears will listen to our voices
When we start to sing our song of freedom

Only one thing I can say for certain when
I stand in front of you with tears in my eyes
To tell you all these incomprehensible things
And beg for you to understand them still

A spark flying from a fire
Exhausted from burning up
Looking for a place to settle down
To rest it’s body softly

It’s at night that it occurs to me
that I could live
That I could do what I like
That I could be

It’s at day that my brain just feels
Tired and alone
Spaced out in a dream
Of nothingness

At night it wakes and wants to dance
The skin starts to glow
The eyes start to sparkle
The heart starts to fly
The body starts to vibrate

It’s the day that drowns it out
Just numbness of the body
Eyes unfocused
Ears and nose not active
Mouth as heavy as stone

But at night it’s alive
And everything is light
The pressure’s off
The curtain calls
I could live - I am alive

Whenever someone asks me
who my closest friends are
I always say, well
The closest are often the furthest away

I always so proudly tell them of you
How your words make me smile
And your love reaches 2.931 miles

The world needs to keep up with you
Simultaneously slow down for me
I see how it struggles with this
Maybe it just needs the right music

I wish for us both the world would move
At a normal pace and we can be free
I see how it struggles with this
Maybe it doesn’t know how to do it

I always wondered if it was normal
To lie awake at 4 a.m.
Suddenly feeling the urge to create
To write a whole novel in one sitting
To paint a masterpiece
To write five poems at once
Even if it’s just creating memories
Packing your bags and going on an adventure
Or reading three books at once
Listening to every song you ever liked
Basically do anything to make you feel alive
Even if your eyes are aching for sleep
There’s so much to do and so much to be
To do anything but sleep
But because that isn’t possible
You want the sweetest dreams
Create a life in your head
But your mind is too busy
To create a land of hopes
It’s running around in circles with energy so high it almost hurts
And then you lie there
With open heart and open eyes
Hoping for the dreams to take you far away
And when they finally come
You don’t notice at all
Suddenly it’s the next morning
And that energy is gone
Replaced by drowning noises
A swimming head of “let me sleep
Don’t give me the next day
I wasn’t done with the last one”

Take a breath too quick
and watch it fade to gray
What would you say
if I took those words away
Lifting the spirit of unconscious souls
Receiving a smile from the blind
Looking for what lies behind
Those eyes, so kind
Listening to the whispers of creatures
enlightened by the light
Of stars and the moon
Watching the bright
flying by too soon
Do you want to die alone
or watch it all burn down together
When the sun goes down
and the warmth touches the weather
Will you be with me
or will the wind lift your wings
Will you believe me
about these thousand things

I wonder what it’s like
To be as one and don’t feel half
To be so close and near
behind a shield of broken fear

Fixed by their presence
Enlightened by their life
Enchanted by their breath
Calmed by their aura

A smile that touches more
Do you wonder too?
Are you a searching soul?
Show me the signs

If it burns down now-
Would I save this feeling
Would I let it burn
Carry it out?

Slow and steady
I look down to the rocks
Between these waves
The floods of fluttering beasts

Is it a burden or a wish?
Does it come true?
Do I want it to?

Tired eyes
Fleetingly scanning the room.
To find another pair
With a light behind them.
Even with exhaustion,
Shining bright
Bright as your own mind,
Connecting the light with the dark.
Making it easier to breathe,
Letting shadows disappear.
Calm eyes.
Reassured.

You are my favorite version of a soul
Something so pure and innocent
Wrapped in my arms like a child
Holding on to this moment

People around us shaking heads
But they are just strangers
Little insignificant blurred silhouettes

They don’t want to understand
They don’t trust what they don’t know
But love is love is love is love
So please just take my hand
Don’t ever let this go

With a wand, or three
I stride through the woods.
Notebook in my hand
And a ring on my finger
Turning the time
With a thought...
still in my pyjamas.
Rolling the dice
as if the snake could get me.
Reading in the empty book,
Letters appearing for a moment,
Bookmark ready,
just to keep them.
An owl howling at
an empty bag.
„What happened here?“,
I ask myself.
Closing my arms around seven and a half books and falling back to sleep.

This is not like other nights
This is more
But how to describe a sea of feelings when the words don’t flow?
When the words are somehow hard as rock and weigh it down
But you can’t just pick them up
and let them skip on your sea
How do I turn rocks into fish?
How do I give them fins to swim and gills to breathe?
How do I make them part of the life that fills the water?
Probably the same way I mark the paper with the mind and soul of me

Wake up to the beating of my heart, will you?
Sleep on my chest while listening to my voice
singing to the beat of your heart
Challenge the way I think
Burst my fears with pride spreading through both our veins
Laugh with my soul
Dance with the way my feet walk barefoot through the grass
Make it easy
Say my words while I think your thoughts
Drive me insane with the way you hear what people say with their eyes
Make me realise the pain I will never feel again
Stop the things that make me break
Cherish the moments that haven’t happen yet
Hold my hand with your mind
Love my mind with your touch
Write like my mouth could ink the paper itself
Do the things I would never ask with words
Let your body dream my dreams
But most of all
and this is the important bit
Do it all with Me.