Q - Hello Poetry

Q Oct 2014

I'm not one for second place
In life or love or existence as a whole.
If I'm not going to win
The game seems impossibly dull.

I don't care.

In second place, silver trophy in hand
I don't care to speak to you.
I don't care about your issues; I have my own.
And every word you speak is still cruel.

But I can't be hurt when I don't care
And pretending's never been a hardship.
But come the end of this year
I'll rescind back into the behavior of a hermit.

I'm not one to be thought of as a runner up.
I've loved and lost my motivation to speak.
I'm not looking for a new reason.
It's first place or no place for me.

I think this might be the first ****** poem I've written. Like, legitimately ******.

Q Oct 2014

I Could Believe In Heaven

I could believe in heaven
If only to imagine you in paradise
I could take up religion
And pray to see you again infinite times.

But I can't believe in a God that would let you leave
I can't kneel and beg to an unforgiving diety
I can't hope and pray with no relief
I can't subscribe to a religion you never believed.

So I'll miss you instead.
I'll cry until the tears stain my face and bed.
I'll tell you to every person I meet.
I'll preach of Autumn on the corner of every street.

I'll keep loving you until I'm too old to breathe alone.
I'll respect you until I can't stand on my own.
I'll be proud to have known you until the end of my life.
I'll remember you until the end of time.

I'll write books as a eulogy and remain in hope
That I can show earth the purest of gold
I'll write poetry for you until there's nothing left to say
And then I'll write the same words in different ways.

And I'll wake up in the morning knowing you were here
And I'll sleep in that knowledge from year to year.
I'll remeber that smile and that frown you had

And I'll know, despite it all, it won't bring you back.

I could believe in heaven if only to imagine you in paradise.
I could take up religion and pray to see you infinite times.
I could sell my soul and every possession I own.
But instead I'll tell of the Autumn I had known.

Q Oct 2014

Last Words and Goodbyes

I'd give my soul to you
For a chance to say goodbye
For a chance to say I love you
One last time.

I did, will, and do love you
Hello and goodbye my friend
I did, do, and will love you
Until we meet again.

Bye Cole.

Q Oct 2014

And I'll Cross My Fingers

I'll write a letter
To those who matter
Because, though I won't be there to see
I want to imagine the faces of those
Who I'm not writing to.

I'll write a note to him because he still intrigues me
It'll be a cowardly note that says everything I couldn't
And I'll cross my fingers when I open my veins,
I'll pray he didn't care for me
I'll pray it doesn't hurt him
Because he doesn't deserve it.

I'll write a note to her because she's his
And he's hers and that still hurts me somedays
And because I love her like I love him:
In a million, million ways.
And I'll cross my fingers when I open my veins
I'll pray she's enough to get him to stay
I'll pray she doesn't care so she'll be okay.

I'll write a note to her because she birthed me
And I'll explain the importance of contraception
And I'll tell her I don't blame her and give absolution
And then take it back in the next sentence.
And I'll cross my fingers when I open my veins
I'll pray she hurts until she can barely breath
In the same breath, I'll pray she forgets me
And uses the rest of her life to be as free as she wanted to be.

I'll write a note to him because he's my sister
And I'll explain the way I hate him and do hate him
And I'll explain the way I never stopped feeling the rage
Of every single wrong he did me over the years
And then I'll forgive him because he doesn't need me to
And I'll cross my fingers when I open my veins
That he'll understand the simplicity and importance of tact
I'll pray that he gets everything he wants in life
I'll pray he understands why I couldn't wish that
While there was still air in my lungs.

I'll write a note to him because I hate him and I love him
And it'll explain the way child abuse lingers for years
And it'll say how much I wanted to see his grave before my own
And it'll say how I never wanted to see anyone live forever besides him
And it'll explain how he hurt me by withholding unconditional love
It will explain how little I cared after the first decade crept by
And I'll cross my fingers when I open my veins
And I'll turn over to pray
I'll pray he gets what he's due
I'll pray he finally dies
I'll pray he gets some happiness
And I'll do it all in one word: Why?

Those are the notes I'd write.
No one else I'd explain to.
Those are the people who've impacted my life.
If I keep death bare and simple.
I'm not crying this time.
I'm not just on the brink, about to go
I'll think, just as I always do
But there's no indecision anymore.
This is not a place I want to be
Not a life I want to live
But I still have a single ambition
I've still got one last wish.

So I'll do it.
I can be my own shooting star.
I'll get that last dream done
And open a vein? Or step in front of a car?
When I'm done with that I'll write a will
Containing three items:
Burn all my stories and poetry, delete my existence
Cremate my body, funerals are too expensive.
Be honest in my death, express your abhorrence.

Sep 2014

rook

Dogs

inherent confusion
of a nature not wholly unknown to me
when the mind collides with the matter and
what matters,
the fact of the matter is that i'm lost in
new territory,
within my own territory;
in
new territory
that i've already explored and somehow forgotten
and in the eye of the storm, am I self aware?
i sit in the middle of the debris
asking myself
if i even mean it,
if i even like you or if i just like just
your dogs.

ah yes the familiar feeling of doubting my emotions

#friends #crush #confusion