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Finn Apr 2020
I'm better, I tell myself
I don't cut
I've never attempted suicide
I've learnt my symptoms
I've learned how to lessen them
I know what makes me spiral downwards
I can get out of bed in the morning
I know how to work around this mentality

But sometimes I get worried
That maybe I'm fooling myself
I can feel itches under my skin
Where the marks used to be
I thought I'd be happy to see the scars fade

But sometimes I look down and see them in the mind's eye
See the blood
Feel the sick exhilaration as I think to myself
'I finally feel something!'
But I shake my head
And the thoughts are gone
No blood
Faint scars
I'm not gone
Finn Apr 2020
Sometimes
When I drag myself out of my room
Usually around noon
I sit at the table
And look out the big window
And see the ducks, chickens and crows
Watch the cats and squirrels and possums
Sometimes we'll see bunnies or raccoons or a fox
Once there was a doe out there
And two different dogs have gotten away from their owners and into our yard
Sometimes I'll see family members

I always check
If my step fathers car is there
And my mother
Who does not have a driver's license
I will seek her out in the house
She doesn't like to speak
And I don't agree with her ideals
But I look and make sure she's here

I worry that she'll get in the car one day
And drive off
My older brothers said it happened to them
She packed them in the car and left
Without a word
My older brother said to watch out for the signs
And if she ever took us to stall her trip as much as possible
Call him or my older sister
And they'd pick us up and take us home

Somehow, my thoughts always spiral
And I want to blame my brother
For sowing this fear inside of my mind
But I am comforted
By the fact that my mother and I disagree
Because as much as it hurts
I don't believe that if she ever left
That she would take me
Finn Apr 2020
I'm not a girl
You can't make me be her
I'm not
I swear
Just listen for once
But according to "god"
I do not exist
Not in this form
This shape
These eyes or these lips
My hands are "feminine"
My chest has *******
My feet are small
And these are what makes me a her
According to them

My hips too wide
Missing the right genitalia
"There are only two genders
Lawn mower and dishwasher"
I'm sick of your jokes
"And I'm an Apache helicopter
That's my gender, it's true
I'm a helicopter, and you're a man too"
I see the way you look at me
Obviously expecting a reaction
I go to my room
And lock myself in
Finn Apr 2020
Yes, I'm queer
And in my house, I'm a joke too
Too short
Too lazy
And "gay"
Not like my sisters
Who are called "******" and "*****"
Not like my older brother, who did drugs
Not like my younger brother
Whom nobody wants to be around
Too "annoying" and "stupid" and "young"

Not like my mother
Who swears her witchcraft true
Not like my stepfather
Who works too hard and too long to lose
Not like my father
Who is "stupid" and "obnoxious"
So, I suppose, between all of us there's nothing to loose.

My sisters, who fall in love too fast
My older brother, who falls too hard
My younger brother, just lonely
And my family who wishes they were someone new
My mother, an alcoholic, who swears her ghosts true
My stepfather, so sure he knows what's right
My father, in rehab, whom I hope is trying with all his might
And me, not even a girl
Can you believe us
A patchwork quilt
Finn Apr 2020
I'm not a woman
I can see you stare
"You were born in that body
You were born to have long hair"
Was I though?
I don't think I was
If it were that way
Maybe I wouldn't want to die as much

"Say what you want to say
You're ******* me off"
I tried to
But you told me "no"
There is no room in your heaven
For me, who is trans
"You're going to hell"
You can shut your mouth
You didn't even believe in God
Until this month

Now you think you're some saint
And you've picked up a bible once
Skimmed through the pages
And sipped the wine symbolizing blood
Ate the bread symbolic of flesh
Well you've skipped the verses
Didn't read the psalms
Or genesis

I did
I've read enough of the book
To refute the ******* you've just said
I used to be a believer
And I still might be, I'm not sure
But it's people like you
Who make sure churches turn cold and dark
Who make this book I used to adore
Just blank parchment smeared with ink
Who took my faith and shredded it
In your kitchen sink

I say I'm a nonbeliever
Only because
If I told you that I believed in my own God up above
You'd use it as leverage
Tear wounds in my soul
Make me too weary
To ever go on
You'd ask how I can believe, being queer and trans
Living in the wrong body
Living as a man

But let me tell you this
You slimy ******
My faith is MINE
Not something you twist up to offer
I don't have to give you the time of day
And I usually don't
But your *** has got it backwards
I'm in control
Not you, not your stupid ideals
Just me, quietly, thinking to myself
Finn Apr 2020
I creep around my house
Unusually quiet as people yell
I don't want to get involved
I let my words go unsaid
But it's too late
I've been seen, again

They don't hit me
But the words sting worse
"Whose side are you on?!"
What else do I have to lose?
I walk by, silent as a phantom
All of the fighters clamoring in tandem
I don't care for sides
And that's when I spot him

My poor little brother
Caught up in their spat
But too emotionally invested
To walk off like that
He looks between the parents
On opposite sides of the table
Tries to soothe and calm
As our sisters scramble
He sits in the middle
Wincing, in tears
Another fight lost
Nobody wins here
Finn Apr 2020
I know it's "not that big of a deal"
Or that I "obviously knew what [you] meant"
But I can't help but try and sit with you
And eat my dinner too
Just listening to your idle chatter
And joyful blabber
And suddenly I hear
"That's so gay"

I know you meant "stupid"
Or "unfair"
But really, what's unfair isn't what you're complaining about
Or what the latest gossip is
But your use of the word
That so many identify with.

"No, I'm gay" I say in futility
Stumbling and joking, hoping so hard
That maybe, by bringing it to light, you'll realize
That your words aren't right
That I, and many like me
Are not the **** of your joke
And are people like you

You laugh it off
And walk away
Already done, having said what you wanted to say
I slump on the table
Another battle lost
Another blow at my pride
Another word with a cost

You walk away
And I hope so hard
That maybe next time
Your vocabulary will be twice as large
To compensate for your utter lack of knowledge
To compensate for your use of "gay"
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