I've always been jealous of leaves

because they have the luxury of dying
with the promise of being reborn
in a few months' time
even brighter and more
beautiful than before

    sometimes I want to die
but death is such a big commitment and
I've never been a fan
of permanence

I miss you
but
not in the a-piece-of-me-is-missing-when-you're-gone
kind of way
I miss you in the
I'm-okay-with-being-alone-but-I-like-it-better-when-you're-ar­ound
kind of way and I think that
that is a pretty healthy way to feel

It took me a very long time
to realize that I was whole

    and I'm not so scared of winter anymore

Rush back to home
the only way to save me, at least for a little while
the closest thing to a feeling
everything else is too unbearable
the fragments of ******* squirming around in my head
Incomprehensible, uncontrollable
They go at each other
with quick, inconsistent punches
Too overwhelmed to stop the fights
Screaming at my entrails to respond
But, of course, they don't listen
It's so much simpler to dive back into safety
to home
All I know is in the moment it's so right
It keeps me alive when I feel like I'm dying
Faceless voices still scream
Others tell another tale
Making the process of thought impossible
It's an endless battle of survival
and allowing myself to give up
to go all the way into the deep end
to let go

i'm anxious
anxious is kind of a funny word
experiencing worry,  unease, or nervousness
sometimes you get anxious for no apparent reason
like me
sometimes you question yourself
why am i like this?
i have nothing to be worried about.
it just kind of happens
and you just have to deal with it

It never meant anything to me
Always beat it half it death
Made it play the sickest beats
Twisted my own hatred in with it
I don't know how good it can sing
But here...you can have it
My heart was always meant
To be in the hands of someone sane
Someone it can love with a smiling face
The very face I hated to look at
Because I never smiled
Unless my hands were around its throat
I'm abusive to my own heart
But I had help
From the liquor
The adrenaline potential overdosing drugs
The raging *** I had with your friends
My heart always beat for you
Always wanted you
So here...you can have it
It staid a live for this moment
It walked hand in chest with me
Over gravel glass
Through soulless jungles of tree corpses
It survived me
To be with you
So here...you can have it
It's finally safe on your black fingernails
Hiding in your palms
Cowarding from its biological owner

I am only human.
I am very human.
I am barely human.
I am rarely human.
I am never human.

Is poetry the last bastion of the scarred mass of humanity lost to the subtle truth that words are signs from the divine that we are all one and nothing, because if so then I must hope that mine are worth the lasting
If what is both false and true heard by no one but the mute passed trembling from his unused lips sealed with venom by a scarlet kiss and gassed silently on by occultist grips narrowly worth the waiting
Then and only then will we learn both the where and when as the spirit goes on laughing

Falling further farther down clutching tightly golden crowns mimicking Gods with emboldened sounds riveting emotion flicker round
Theater is what we’re asking
Days upon days without any end the trigger lingers shoot again imprisoned here by our own command lost in thought not acting
What will it be our own device to save us suffering from the pain and strife the mortal coil lust and vice perpetually worth the asking
The snake he calls with warm lit clouds and the sun is ever shining

Uproot the tree out of sodden ground the branches broken crash and pound
litter ridden strewn across the burial mound the eagle cries in distance
Sparrow flies upon the wing angels make joy and forever sing our ears in whispers but never bring consistently the frequency to our brains
My foot falls but once upon the wither winds softly like a child carrying me to the end
the bridge between the forest creek meandering mends uplifting me from sorrow.
So long until tomorrow.