Today I realized I was to small, to unknown, to middle class to fit in with the perfect smiles, the perfects weights, the people I thought kindness would be enough to yield their friendship.
In life we average people work hard to make a better life for ourselves. Sadly, no matter how well mannered or kind you are, despite how thoughtful you are, net worth & social status decides who these people are friends with.
They will hint jokes at the car you slaved and saved to buy yourself because it just doesn't quite shine as bright as the cars Mommy and Daddy bought them.
They were taught to smile bright, look good, and reach for the people who have value not people who will value them & these values say less about them and more about the people that taught them.
I guess that's why they smile in each other's faces and come to me to trash the people they were just pretending to love and care for so vigorously.
I guess that's why they tell lies without reasonable Premise, see they know the prices of material things, & know the names of the people who shine on Game Day & If you don't fall into those categories you're worthless to these people, literally.
Everything is perfect this. Everything has to be perfect that, & if you're a person with flaws you embrace especially those of the financial origin there's no place for you in their, well, I don't even know if I can say they even hearts.
If they do truly have hearts though you'll be sure to hear them complain about it being broken, because they're foolish enough to think they can just enter someone's life at the glorious finish & not care a single bit about the struggles in the start.

They say once you stop looking
what you were looking for appears.
So I wonder if I shut my eyes,
will you materialize here?

Every day when I stare into those eyes that capture my soul & silence my worries I wonder just what might be on your mind?
If I were somehow able to get pass that heavily secured guard you have around your heart what would I find?
Do you see the future flashes of me holding you so tight i don't have the room to stray, so close that to let you go would mean to let go of my self?
Do you see those same fall sundays in sweats grocery shopping & I'm just happy being dragged around like your puppet just to pick items off of really high shelves?
Have you ever wondered like I do what it might be like if we were to kiss, and kiss again until we could no longer feel our lips but instead our soul passionately clinching each other ?
I lay every night and wonder if you see the things I dream about, concerts where you stare at lights and i stare at you or lake days where I hold you tight while your teeth shutter.
When we're around them, when we're at pool parties and I have to act like I don't love you, like I don't hate guys hitting on you, can you see the desire to be yours in my eyes?
When I look at you and walk away, when i hug you and let go quickly, when I call you my friend, can you tell that these actions are all lies?
I guess I have so many questions that I'm bringing, but it seems it does matter if I'm sleeping or I'm drinking, whether I'm sweating my energy out on a track or singing, everyday, all day, I just can't but wonder what you're thinking?

Sometimes i wish i was a rapper in the booth.
Just to be labeled honesty if the dictionary lacked the word "truth".
I'll find a way through teflon gates, Say Jay? you know all about creating a route.
Being a fugitive somehow when the system was designed for no way out.
It's easy to judge as a billionaire when you not staring at debt in a dark room.
When depression telling you to die while anxiety saying we die too soon.
Put the paintings down & peek back through that portal.
It's ****** living suicidal while simultaneously wanting to be immortal.
Maybe you were just speaking of the MCs
but when it comes to the Atlantas, the Baltimores, the DCs ?
The rocks we between harder than the hardest places.
It's a bit much yes, but you see the money to they ear, I see the smiles on they faces.
You went from roaches to diamond crusted brooches and now you hitting the hood with amnesia driven approaches.
Neck flooded with loaded cuban links, that reasonable doubt Jay
Showing money is showing money, what was different about your display?
I guess being rich for two decades it isn't as exciting no more.
Hard for me to tell a man not to be prideful with a come up when yesterday he was sleeping on the floor.
Did you forget what it felt like to talk to God and not get a response later?
To them that's really a phone, hearing a reply from the Lord through that paper.
We appreciate the game, appreciate the wisdom, you're still a legend to this date.
But as you continue to build a wealthy family don't forget how to relate.

Can you hear me right now?
My heart is racing but there's surely no sound.
I'm always here but I'm never around.
I'm finally on my feet & you're knocking me down.
Lord not right now, not right now.
Can you trust me right now?
I've Queened you but I forgot your crown.
You're an ocean, I don't want to drown.
My standards are high, you're above the crowd.
Your pictures are screaming, why are you so loud?
Jumping while looking down.
Tried to slide in safe but you're calling me out.
Apology letters from the ones that miss me right now.
Smiles behind frowns, night doubts.

Be cautious of what you dish out & what you take.
Things should just flow, know the difference between a river and a lake.
One has a destination, a purpose, the other is just sitting there being convenient.
& some people are like lakes, they'll say they can take you places but it's impossible for them to mean it.
If you're a river just be aware of the people that are so much like all the boats that transport stuff.
Those people who wipe their tears with your flaws,  you know the ones who have to push you down a little bit so they can stay up.
Never be scared to asked "what is it", "where are we", or "where are we going".
Because growth is the only evidence of life,  you're probably dead if you're not growing.

Hey Sir, I'm your new son.
I'm so proud to hold her hand she's my backbone.
She's what all my chips are stacked on.
"Why are you on my steps son.?"
Hey Sir, think of me as a stepson, her heart, your trust, my gift, all things I'd never step on.
Hey Sir, I'm that fella.
I promise to take my time with her, my lights on yella.
Strength Umbrella, the days she needs to cry I promise I'll let her.
Hey Sir, if you let her make me better I promise whether it's its sunny or stormy weather she'll always be safe for as long as we're together.
A blessing is a gift, a gift is a blessing, & a blessing can be made into a gift.
She's your greatest blessing & it was gift from him, he gave you his.

The climate change & the weather never fair.
Ecocentric so it’s so many ways I want to clear the air.
Hurt by the things I hear, like I wasn’t there.
Sending money to my family & they still call me gross when the net everywhere.
12 hour work days after driving from Tuscaloosa when I couldn’t rest.
Craving success, cut off the love of my life due to stress.
How do I tell the person next to me I need to isolate myself?
How do I tell someone I give reassurance I actually hate myself?
& I’m the villain because I didn’t drag you through my bad episode?
Success come with seasons & we fell before the summer because I couldn’t stand to see you cold.
The price to keep moving, my past is littered with good people.
Every time I step up I fall in to puddles of tears like I’m racing steeple.
I hear the unsweet tea but my mouth never bitter.
Would I have taken a Phoenix contract if I was still with her?
We never know what God needs to erase to write the story.
Most common evidence of weak faith is when we worry.
If you lining up for success, you need God on the corner to go that route.
To get in your bag sometimes some people have to come out.

conceit vs loneliness is the real fight
I can't fix it, all I can do is tell you what it feels like..
pretty girls in the friends zone,
But no one believes we're friends though.
Labeled for my company, when I'm involved with none.
They speculate, when there was truly only one.
& then I lost the only girl in my life.
By following my best friend's advice.
I don't know why, he's just as scared of committed as me at the end of the night.
But I ask him to guide me every time as if he's seen the light.
And then I convince myself a bad idea is a good one because I've heard it twice.
I appear to have em all, when I have none.
When in fact I'm so conceited, I can't just lay with anyone.

The first time I saw you I knew my angel was borrowed.
Could you come back tomorrow?
I'm strong, but when my light's off and I'm sleepy.
These songs, your pictures continue to eat me.
Your voice drowns out the thunder.
My childhood was hell yet you make me wish I was younger.  
Weekends I lay & think.
You go out and drink.
Am I the one on your mind when you can't control it?
You lose things when you're drunk, give me your heart, let me hold it.
You are everything I pray for.
I re-read your texts until it feels like you say more.
Since April I adored you.
I fell knowing you couldn't afford to.
I don't hear from you but I hear you.
I close my eyes and dream I'm near you.
I'm standing in the rear view.
Not knowing what happens in year two.
The future will always be a mystery.
In the end I just hope I'm Mr. He

They lied when they said Love would cost us nothing.
To be specific, it cost me about thirteen hundred.
My heart is broken and this pain really hurt me don't it?
When love is chasing you just keep on running.
Love is a curse, I'm just being honest.
There's only one cure to a broken heart and I'm smoking on it.  
I get hurt and then convince myself I didn't want it.
Therapeutic shopping, Balmains cost me fifteen hundred.
They lied when they said Love was priceless.
Drugs, clothes, liquor, we spend money pretending we don't miss the people we miss.
I guess if it's forever, it's free.
But if it ends, be prepared to pay the fee.

I think this song sounds so good because i heard it next to you.
God could take all my blessings away, as long as I'm left with you.
I cherish memories we haven't made yet.
I'm feeling things I was sure I'd lack.
Scarred from the ones that want me back, the thought of emotion gives me heart attacks, but now my guards are quitting, they don't wanna fight back.
Slightly conceited, I feel I'm a first round pick yet I know you're out my league.
I've stayed Siberian for years, it only took you 72 hours to do this to me.
You make me feel beyond infatuation.
Roll Tide, University of Alabama still blessing me even after graduation.
Zetas they're special,
Unforgettable.

When you say you love me, know I love more.
God I’ve always trusted you, today I trust you more.
I’ve payed before, asking what you were waiting for.
It was her, she was on the way.
Did you already know I would adore her this way.
Bravo, well done, You’ve outdone yourself, you heard me.
I will spend the rest of forever serving, trying, to be worthy.
This is one blessing I do not deserve.
How often do you send angels to earth?

My poems so personal but the truth so inspiring.
My career in hyper drive, baby boomers retiring.
Materials & status not important in life.
So I spend a lot of time selling better values & advice.
So many things more important than winning when any night could be our last night.
So I apologize even when I feel right.
Peace is never a loss.
Losing people is life’s most expensive cost.
Scan earth & my best friend the fastest man here.
When he vent to me sometimes I can tell he forget he a millionaire.
I stoped living to survive, constant flights to California.
Spoiling women a passion for me, praying God bless me with plenty daughters.
August 8th, bonus check net 6K, I didn’t smile that day.
Can’t say enough if you chasing happiness, money not the way.
The world has so many moments that make even rich people choke.
With no loved ones close, they realize they really broke.
My pride comes from women that love me calling me a bright spot.
Can’t wait til the day my daughters look back like “we just like Pops.“

I try my best not to let things bother me.
But unavoidable irritation is those women anyone could have if they struck a lottery.
State, Scratch off, or Draft day, doesn't matter.
Materialistic & status driven women whom the true values in life don't seem to flatter.
You can stay down but she  needs a come up.
& if you ever drown she won't be there when you come up.
There's so many problems there and I'm here to provide the sum.
The minute your dollars multiply, divide from her & add in a woman that values you or you'll be left looking dumb.
Life is full of open and closed doors,
Sometimes you have wait longer for the lord to open yours.
Marriage is about ups and downs & how could that ever work with a woman who won't ride to the lowest floor?

Blvd. Pkwy. Ave. Hwy. Not the way,
Open the drain, pour them down the drain.
That’s not how I heal today.
It’s been sometime since I’ve stared at the bottom of the net, years since I put the bat away.
It used to ache every morning. It hurts no more.
Now you must go, someone needs you more.
It’s right & feels wrong.
That’s a sign that someone isn’t strong.
When you’re weak days get long.
This is just a pause until the last song.  
Watched you mature, I look at you and see my brain.
I never let my friends hang.
Anything I want to say held back by my fang.
I’m holding it together Dr. & when u return I’ll be doing the same thang.
Smile in your residence.
Only cry when It raining, wash away all the evidence.

For you,

We all know the best hearts are in the lost and found.

We know love isn’t free and It seems to cost in pounds.

Patience, accountability, effort, these are the dues.

This isn’t about my dream, I’m saving up for youuu.

I’m having having nightmares whether I’m asleep or awake. My mind is feeding me thoughts I can’t take. Cold sweats from flashbacks of wasted time I can’t have back. These things I hold eat at my soul until a new flame feels old. Now the hugs cold and I’m freezing in a emotional pain that feels so bold, so physical, so real. I stay on my toes cause some cuts don’t heel.

Pain and happiness comes in waves.
Waves go up and down & that’s been the last few days.
Months, years.,
i prayed to be here, but my people aren’t with me.
& success doesn’t fill the holes left by the ones that I’m missing.
Then i find out the devil has sent cancer to take another.
3 Days after realizing i night truly love her, my friend, my brother came and said “I’ve got something to tell you.”
Back against the wall it’s either get over I­t­ and get through or add another someone else ill miss to.
i don’t want to lose anyone but I’m losing.
So much pain over the years I’m no longer bruising.
i stay calm in the face of news that devastates me.
when i think of how i would’ve reacted to things I’ve faced lately it’s like the Devil’s already ate me.
I­t­ can’t be that I’m stronger, cause rivers have turned to oceans, at night i cry longer.
Problems money can’t fix, happiness you can’t buy I­t­.
This was supposed to be a happy poem, but I’m bleeding and i can’t hide I­t­.
I’ll probably let her read this still.
i don’t want her to feel guilt, i just need to her to know how i feel.
Cause In the last week my foundation has been shook.
If i start to drown, someone has to know where to look.

I'm quiet because I want to say so much.
I feel, I mean I wish, nevermind, I might say to much.
I guess because of you I understand those songs
Those lyrics, the captions, those poems.
Now I'm the one writing, these aren't Just poems.
I'm true to you, I'm true to these words.
I'm screaming in silence, who needs words?

There’s a knot in my stomach, can’t tell if if Rylee gave me the flu or I’m missing you.
Reminiscing about that perfect room.
Me seeing my mom standing next to you.
Healed things I have yet to live through.
Before I even prayed for an angel the Lord assigned me two.
Happiness is hard to find, with you I’ve found myself.
Love truly makes you blind, I don’t see no one else.
You say I’m not ugly, and that may be true.
But that’s how I feel when I stand next to you.
Have you seen you? it’s like you’re from a mystical source.
Your are my prayers in physical form.
You always drink to much but I was seriously scared last night.
But the lemons into lemonade is I realized i wanted to take care of you for the rest of my life.

Sometimes the lights are bright even when they seem dim.
Bella killed herself & they gave speeches saying "pay attention to people and how you treat them."
She was perfectly happy, she just loved God so much she couldn't wait to meet him.
In life the dust pan doesn't always empty out exactly what you sweep in.

Survived the purge, my mom locked the doors at 8pm, I had to stay in the streets.
Hated school, felt like a Burger King manager, I had to wake up to beef.
Teachers telling me I'm a failure, no one would wake up for me.
The Lord gave me GPS cause I was going down a street where the reaper was waiting for me.

My poetry will change with my life.
If you're reading, journey with me & find comfort in knowing I'll never tell you the same thing twice.
A hopeless romantic but my script doesn't chase as much, I'm the catch now.
No more vivid depictions of depression envisioning happiness, I'm that now.
I'll try my best to stay grounded & genuine nobody wants to read about material and figures.
I only talk about it to show how far I've come from sleeping with my pillows hiding triggers.
I know y'all wanna hear about love but my eyes yellow like something wrong with my liver.
Scars so deep sometimes I'm afraid to admit that I miss her.  
I'll keep y'all posted as I'm reducing sins.
Not asking the Lord for more, reusing wins.
Congratulations coming from enemies, confusing friends.
Had my heart stapled away, now I'm losing pins.
They lift me up & keep me grounded look at the range in my friends.
& I know my life just changed but she might change it again.

I only dance when I’m in my room alone.
We can afford houses, but we can’t buy homes.
Grown, living off poems and songs.
If you don’t lean on the kid inside the adult doesn’t last long.
There’s so much in life we have to see.
Government shut down, my aunt was working for free.
I chip in like I’m on the lease.
Amazed even in the darkest time she was happier than me.
no social media, no tv. I think that’s why every time I see her it’s a laugh.
The days are better when you don’t know what you don’t have.
It’s been years since we had less but sometimes I miss It.
& to cheer up I play my favorite songs & change up the lyrics.
Different places in life is a walk to remember.
Two places at once, lives change, miracles happen when opposites come together.

100 degrees in Puerto Rico.
I'm Bahamian, it isn't  to hot for me though.
I'll just say there's no end.
Because I don't know where to begin.
I win, look at my best friend, her circle's thin but custom made delicacies usually don't fit in.
I mean when I pray your name comes before mine.
I'm blessed, I'm good, I'm asking God when it's gonna be your time.
Her voice sounds like answered prayers.
Personality so capturing you want to keep her company for years.
Elevator love, up and down, we go through it.
I might have to propose one day, you deserve so much & I just don't trust anyone else to do it.
All these memories in my head that's why I talk like this.
They call me cocky, but blame my best friend that's why I walk like this.

Can’t live with me so they want to **** me.
I pray God save me from the friends cause I can’t be caught off guard by an enemy.
Think about it, Someone has to be close to stab you.
Guess those are the cuts we just have to laugh through.
So many times now I only smile when I bleed.
There’s always an apology followed by a “I need.”
Loneliness is safer.
Put the love under an eraser.
Put your forgiveness in a box & friendships under leases.
I’m already broken, it’s hard to hold together the pieces.

Must've never been cheated on, all that trusting love ****.
People lift you up to let you down, my happiness come from my own ****.
No Feels, No Feels.
Love in our generation is like taxes.
Put all that work in but what you get out never matches.
Now you're failing classes, tears on your glasses, in the club doing things to make em jealous now they've made you appear classless.
No Feel. No Feels.
If you swallow butterflies don't choke.
The world is full of crooked folks.
Stand up for the wrong person and it's simply comedy, you up there telling jokes.
No Feels No Feels.
If anybody is to ever sweep and Melt me
That Love better be a selfie.
Nobody else in the picture, excuse me, it's just me.
No Feels No Feels

I have to stop giving love with the expectation of reciprocation.
I fill people up and they just let me down like precipitation.
My checks divide all type of ways & I don’t get dependent breaks.
I hope everyone knows you can’t be genuine while defending fakes.
I’ll never understand why a big heart is met with a bigger knife.
I’m constantly under attack by women so lonely they need a sister wife.
****** from someone who’s forced to invest because everyone else leaves stressed.
Selfish people who look out for themselves with advice hidden as what’s best.
If you can’t reach your goals, how could your comments reach me.
If you experienced but failing freshmen classes, what could you teach me?

Setting bars for myself & planning my own trials.

The tears flow up my cheeks pulling on my face, It’s like they make me smile.

I can have anything but not everything, I needed a smaller pile.

I thought I’d grow up but I’ve become a larger child.

People don’t think of us that much, we experience life largely alone.

Due to this realization, a lot of the pressures exist only on phones.

I have all the time, effort, and happiness I need for the surge.

After 3 millennia, a new dark wizard has finally emerged.

They don’t tell the whole story.
Every hero sounds like a villain if you withhold the glory.
They don’t talk about how the effort was never reciprocated.
Always how you left, never how it was instigated.
Condemned off the short when you were perfect for so long.
They know they can’t actually relate to those songs.
When you made their dreams come true, where was all this regret?
Truth is a bad person Is easier to forget.
Every time I’ve been demonized I left a high bar.
& not one person has found a replacement to meet It so far.
Remember a person at peace doesn’t make a sound.
& most good people aren’t appreciated until they’re not around.

It's hard accepting the way the hands on a clock touches others.
While I was chasing my dreams to spoil them, I lost both my grandmothers.
Is there a such thing as wasted time?
The best things in life are usually at the end of of a line.
We cherish it because we'd have to wait again to do it twice.
Maybe that's why God put heaven at the end of life.
I want kids, but I hold off hoping my numbers could be bolder.
Then every time I see my mom, I remember she's getting older.
I put my faith in you, I put my faith in a tick.
Then you and the time disappeared, why do we trust things we can't predict?
What are we waiting for? We all have a day they're wearing black.
Sometimes I stare at clocks & wonder if time is staring back.
We were born into this measurement and forced to adopt.
all of our tears dropping on glass & hands, standing on clocks.

Tik, Tik, Tok, two hands circle around the consciousness of mortals.

Then there comes a day when a life of exploration becomes all timelines, the clock begins to chortle.

This is a devious laugh, as yet another victory for the clock is near.

The ultimate sign of a deceived mind is a mind that can’t spend extended time, here.

Reminisces of the past, a maddening rush to future modern goals, the clock is in control.

Anxiety, depression, the most common symptoms of missed or far away goals.

I fear most crimes go unpunished, kids fail to report the imaginations their adult selves stole.

Tik, Tik, The mortgage makes one still, a failed marriage makes one cold.

Still yet, your race here is finished! You cheer as the “Tok Tok Tok” bursts from the clock laughing!

None of the youths stopped to asked, “why are the adults with so much, not much happy?”