Just say the word
And I will give you an army
Of reasons
Why hating myself
Has always come so naturally

I hate that I don't have a gag reflex
Because I **** at calorie counting
And throwing up seems
So much the easier option

I feel like a stranger
In my own home
Because I live life believing
That I am the reason
One of our family members
Has gone from the world

I hate and fear that my father
Would not be proud
Of who I have become
And the thought scares me
More than any abysmal nightmare

I could go on
But I doubt
You would want to hear
What horrors unfold
In my mind
And all
My 6pm secrets

I only write well
When the sorrow
Filling my body
Swarms to my
Fingertips
And seeps out
Onto this page
Or gripping a razor.
There are thousands
Of ways
To feel pain
But I know only two
On how to
Deal with it.

And it hurts
Because there are people
In my life
Who are toxic
And they make me
Feel ill
And sad
But I cannot leave them
Because they are hurting too
And so if I go
I become their poison.
(Even if I was dying first)

It's strange
And irrational
But I am so
terrified
Of falling in love
I think my family
Is cursed
I just found out
That my cousin's
Fiance, other half,
missing piece
Passed away
In a deep sleep
Into an even deeper one
And my mother
Lost her husband,
Love of her life,
her rock
To a reckless driver
On a road he didn't return from

I'm scared of falling in love
Not because of
The possible heartbreak
Or childish trivialities
But I'm so scared
That one day
Suddenly, out of the blue
In a blaze of cruelty
From whomever
Dictates our fate
They will just be
*gone

The cold bites
And the wind hisses
The rain spits
And the sun dies
The kids mock
And the teachers gossip
The depression hits
And the anxiety twitches
But nothing
Is as cruel
As you

I've got thoughts so dark
I bet even the devil
Would weep

There's nothing as strong
As the cravings I have for you,
Not so much in a way
In which I want to be skin to skin
But just to feel your presence
And know that I'm safe if you're here
I want your eyes looking at mine
Before we smile and laugh
Your hand in mine
Absent-mindedly tracing shapes
With your thumb, as always
I crave most of all
Your heart
Because you already have mine
I'll admit, there's no hunger
Quite like love.