Who knew
That we'd be this close
I never intended it to be like this

After the last one
I promised to never date
Until after school
But then you came along

We had been friends
Because you needed someone
To lean on
In your darkest hour
So there I was

Now here we are

It's almost been three months
Since we started dating
Wow
Seems so much longer

You asked me out
And I panicked at first
So I backed away
And broke your heart

But then
I saw you laugh
And joke

Then you shut down
Shut off your emotions
And I don't know what happened to me

I panicked
And chased after you
As you walked out of the classroom

I called your name
Right before I crashed my lips
Into yours

You froze for a moment
Unsure what I was doing
To be honest
I didn't know what I was doing either
I just let my emotions take over
And it was one of the best decisions
I'd ever done

Now here we are

And I'm trying so hard
To figure out what's so different
About you
Compared to them

I want to shout it to the world
And tell everyone
That you're mine

I want you to meet my family
I want you to meet the people I'm closest with

I feel like we
You and I
Are going to last a while

I feel like
There is an actual possibility
Of us moving in together
Not just a dream

Which is so different
Compared to the last few
I wanted to hide them
I didn't want my family to meet them
I didn't want any of that

But then there is you

What makes you so different?

I guess it doesn't matter
Because either way
I love you
And I hope one day
You can meet my family
And that you stick around
For at least a little while longer

I'm stressed out
I'm tired
Physically
And emotionally

My body can't handle
The hell my mind produces
As it is weaker

Have you ever felt
Like you're so tired
That you could sleep for days,
Maybe even weeks,
And still, be exhausted?

My body is that
Of a young adult
But my mental state is that
Of a five-year-old

I can act like an adult
But it makes me
So, so tired

It takes up all of my energy
To act as an adult
For an hour
I don't understand

I feel like
I haven't ever slept
In my entire life
As my eyelids grow heavier and heavier

I could sleep standing
As my energy disappears
In front of my eyes

I need a Monster
Or coffee
Or both
Just to make it through the day
But it's so so bad for you
To run on caffeine

I just want to quit
Because my anxiety
Takes up to much energy
I want to be better
And not get so tired
Every time I try to function
At the age I am

I'm just so...

tired

I don't understand
And I feel like
I'm all...

alone

As I'm pulled under
Into a dream like sleep
Where I close my eyes
And pictures instantly play
Behind my eyelids

I can't control it
I'm trying
But I don't know

I'm just so tired
Physically
And emotionally
And I don't know
How to handle it

People
They cause so much pain
Stress
Anxiety

It makes my brain
Want to explode
Because I can't handle
People

I'm rejected
Even when I try
To fit in

I've been told
That I've got to reach out
And go half way
To make and keep friends

And I tried
I tried really, really hard
Because people scare me
So I pushed myself
Out of my shell
To talk to people

And I got rejected
They talked to me
For a little while
But then walked away

How pathetic
Do you think it would be
If I started following them around
Like a lost puppy?

So I sat alone
In silence
Working on my project
Trying not to cry
As I realized....

I don't fit in anywhere

It's always been like this
No matter how hard I try
I always get pushed away
Put on the back burner
The second choice

So I give up
Why even bother
If my heart will just be broken?

I just wanna stay in my room
Or something
And pretend I'm okay
Pretend that my heart isn't damaged
Because that's all I know how to do

I cried last night
I cried because of the loneliness I feel
I cried because of the rejection
And self-hate

Am I not good enough?
Did I do something wrong?
Why am I always the second choice?
And put on the back burner?

I get attention
Because I'm loud and obnoxious
But no one pays attention to me
When I'm quiet
When I'm anxious or depressed

My so-called "friends"
Don't even bat an eye
When I sit down
And just cry

I hate people
People just kind of ****
They hurt me
And reject me
So why bother with people?

I go out of my way
To try and make friends
But nope
It doesn't work

I try to be a good person
A friend I'd want to have
But it's difficult
Especially when I continuously get hurt

So I don't know
What's the point
Of doing anything?

I just don't know anymore

I always thought
The tiny little creatures
That we call hamsters
Were adorable
When they run on the tiny wheel

That is
Until I realized that
I'm the hamster
Running, running, running
But going nowhere

My anxiety propels me
To run, run, run
My instinct is to run away
But, just like the small creature
It just loops around me

I push it away
And it gets worse
And it just snowballs
Growing bigger

And bigger

And BIGGER

Then I'm stuck
Spinning so fast
On this hamster wheel
Round and round and round

I'm going faster than the speed of light
And I can't process things
But I brought this upon myself
By thinking, I could run away in the first place

Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid

I am so stupid
I have a mental illness
And it's not going away
No matter where I run

It's like a small child
Clinging to my leg for dear life
No matter what I do
That **** thing is with me

I can tell
That people are getting sick of me
I feel it
A feeling I'm all too familiar with
This is the feeling
That tells me to prepare for the storm
Because they are getting ready to leave

Just like a hamster
It's cute at first
But the squeaky wheel
Slowly drives one insane
And it's not so cute anymore

At first
People pitied me
As they tried to help me
But I continue
To use my anxiety
As a reason for my dysfunction
And it's driving everyone insane

At this point
I want to shut down
Stick a knife in my temple
And **** my brain
So I can think
But I won't
Because I have WAY too much to live for

So my next best option
Is to shut people out
And get the **** done

Alone

Because that's what I'm best at

It was stupid to ask for help
In a war against myself
That no one else sees
Because that's what pushes people away

They see me
For the monster I actually am
With my constant anxiety
And horrible depression
And they get overwhelmed
And leave

So the best thing I can do
Is lock this up
Put on a happy face
And pretend nothing is wrong
Lik I've done for almost 17 years now

I can't lose more people
I just can't handle the heartbreak
And I'm afraid
That my catastrophic brain
Will slowly destroy
The relationships I've worked so hard to build

So here I go
Just gotta hold my breath
Smile
Hold my head up high
And pretend I'm okay
Because that's the only way
To fight this impossible war

Fake it until you make it

*Right?

Thank you
So much
You *******

Who do you think you are?
How dare you
Remind me of my insanity?

Do you hear the whispers
Of a thousand different demons?
Do you feel the collar choking your neck?
Does your head spin?
Does your body feel weak?

How dare you
Lecture me for my anxiety
When I know
That I need to change

I'm working at my pace
Not yours
Because it's not your problem

Yes
I get your concern
Especially considering I don't leave my room
But who do you think you are?

Reminding me
That I'm ******* insane
That I'm not normal
Just pushes me closer to the edge

I. *******. Know.

I know I need to change
I know I need to get out
I know I need to talk to people

I already know
So lecturing me
Doesn't help anyone

I have built a shell
To protect myself from the world
And yelling at me
To get out of this shell
Just makes me cower further inside

Are you the one
Who had a panic attack
From ordering lunch?
Are you the one
Who is constantly paranoid
That no one loves you?
That you don't matter?
That everything around you is a lie?

I didn't think so

So who are you
To tell me it's all in my head?
To tell me it's my choice?
You might as well tell me to get over it
To **** it up and move on

Would you say that to me
If my leg was broken
And it caused me pain?

No
You would tell me
To sit down and relax
Even if it's just for a few minutes

My mind
Is broken
Into a thousand different pieces
And I'm trying
So. ****. Hard.
To put it back together
But your words
Shatter what little progress I have made

So you, sir
Can **** right off
And leave me alone
Because this is my war
Not yours

You have no right
To say a **** thing
Especially considering
You've never been cursed
With a mental illness

Now don't get me wrong
I'm not looking for pity
I just hate when you push me

But most of all
I hate this
With a passion
I don't want to be insane
But it's the hand I was dealt
And I'm working with what I got

I don't know
Why my anxiety has gotten so bad
It's a mystery to even me
But until you walk a mile
In my shoes
You have no right to say anything

No
*******
Right

These four walls
Are they my safe haven
Or my prison?

My heart keeps me locked in here
As if I was a prisoner

Only a year and a half
Until I have to grow up
And I'm afraid

The decisions I have to make
Seem to tower over me
Like unstable skyscrapers
As if they will collapse on me at any moment
And crush me

How am I supposed to go to college
And get a job
If I can't seem to leave my room

It's hard
To be even around my parents
I can't handle people
I pretend
But as the days pass
I'm ****** deeper and deeper
Into the pit of my thoughts

I can't think
I can't function
So I'm forced into
A child like state of mind

I can't handle my reality
So I distract myself
With YouTube videos
And stories
And music

So you tell me
Is this room
My safe haven
Or my prison?

I can't leave
But I can't stay
So I'm stuck
In a state of motionless motion
Where I'm going, going, going
But not moving at all

I couldn't sleep last night
Because of this realization
That I'm going nowhere
That my time is running out

I have found
That no matter what I do
I feel trapped
With an invisible collar wrapped too tightly around my neck
And multiple chains attached to my body

So here I am
In my bedroom
Afraid of the world
Afraid of the future
Afraid of the past
Afraid of people
Afraid of growing up

I'm afraid of everything

I find it quite pathetic
That my anxiety has gotten this bad
But no matter what people say
No matter what I know logically

It doesn't matter
Because I'm stuck

I'm paralyzed with fear
And I can't pull myself out of it
No matter what I try to do

I tell myself
That I can do it
I can win
I'm strong
I'm a warrior in the battle
That takes place in my head

But they all
Sound like bittersweet lies
Sound like false hope
Even when I hear it from others
It just sounds so......

Fake

I just wish this Hell would end
And I could escape this prison
That I call my safe haven
Because I don't want to be locked up
In this room
For the rest of my life
By the fears of my heart