Sad all the time?
Here's a pill

Self contious about your weight?
Take a pill

Over anxious?
Pills all around

Slept too much?
A pill will help

Didn't sleep?
A pill will solve that

When will society
Get it through their thick skull
That pills won't solve everything

Sure they help
I'm not saying they don't
But they can't solve EVERYTHING

I'm severely depressed
I'm extremely anxious
All
The
****
Time

So they give me pills
Little pills
Big pills
Capsels
Tablets
Different shapes
Different colors

I still feel empty
I still feel hollow
No matter how many drugs
These doctors force feed me

I'm so accustomed to it
My body shuts down
If I miss a day's doseage
I'm so accustomed to it

I have to remind myself
Almost everyday
That all these pills
Aren't magic pills
They won't magically cure me
No matter how much I long for it

I started this path
2, almost 3, YEARS ago
Yet I'm still here
At the bottom of the pit
No hope
No faith

So many stupid pills
So much false hope
So much anger
And depression
And anxiety

They may help you
They may help him
And her

But they don't help me
I feel like I'm immune
Like my mental state
Built a wall so thick
That even drugs can't help me

Now when I say pills
And drugs
I don't mean illegal stuff
I don't mess with that
I mean the prescriptions
Doctors write to get paid

I follow the rules
All the directions
Everything
And my heart is still chained

I'm so sick of this
It feels like a game
Like a giant lie
That doctors tell me
So they can make money

"Take this and you'll feel better."

"That didn't work?
     Try this one."

"Lets up the dosage.
    And add this pill."

"Have three more pills
    on top of those two."

"Take all of these pills
     twice a day.
         With food."

"It's very important you take it."

Right
I have to take all your pills
So I can be 'normal'
So I can be happy
And fit into your broken society

It's such a twisted game
A joke so funny
I forgot to ******* laugh

**** your pills
***** your problem solving
You can't fix me
With all the worthless, expensive, pills

3 happy pills a day
Keeps the doctors all paid

Tears
So many painful tears
Tears shed late at night
When no one can see them

Quiet sobs
Echo into the black
Almost silent
To not wake the family
They cannot see my pain

My soul is empty
Evacuating my body with each exhale
As if there is no room
With the demons
That enter with each inhale

I force a smile
An empty and pretend smile
With broken laughter
And pretend light in my eyes

16 years of practice
I've gotten good at pretending
Outsiders never notice
The lifelessness in my eyes
Or the emptiness in my smile

I'm even starting to fool
The ones closest to me
The people who see me
Nearly every day

I could probably fool myself
Into thinking I was okay
If it wasn't for my heavy, broken heart
If it wasn't for my lifeless soul
And clouded mind
I could probably fool myself

How do people live like this?
I wouldn't really even call this living
It's going through the motions
Faking it until you make it

When will I find rest?
When does it get easy?
Because I'm questioning my strength
The strength everyone says I have
Even though
They can't feel my burdens
And my pain

Even connected with God
I feel all alone
In the war in my head
It seems unwinable
Impossible

I want to end it
The pain
The tears
The suffering

I pray to God
Almost every night
To just **** me
Let me die in my sleep
So I can escape the world
And finally be at peace

But I wake up
Every morning
Just as empty as the day before

Suicide isn't an option
Even though it is so tempting
So so tempting
But if God won't **** me
There must be a reason

But I don't see one
I'm a monster
I'm destruction
I'm chaos

I love my family
So I fight for them
Even if I feel abandoned
And rejected
And alone
Because when I love
I love with my everything
And I almost never stop

So I cry myself to sleep
As an attempt to ease the pain
I quietly sob into my pillow
Praying for an escape
That I know won't come

Don't mourn for me
My body may be empty
But my soul is free

Free from pain
And struggle

Free from rejection
And abandonment

Free from the weight of the world
And high expectations

I'm soaring with the eagles
And swimming with the whales

I'm finally happy
And at peace

Something I've longed for my entier life
But never found

I wasn't as strong
As you say I was
Because there I lay
Cold and lifeless

Do you believe me now?
I was on a fishing line
Hanging on by a thread
On the edge

I told you
So many times
And I know you heard me
But there was nothing to do
But sit and wait

Well, I was sick of waiting
And playing games
Sick of medications
That gave me false hope

I couldn't do it
My emotional state
Died a long time ago
And my physical state
Was that of a machine
Going through the motions

I couldn't love
Or help
Or forgive

I couldn't feel

So please don't mourn for me
My body may be empty
But my soul is free

Normality
Sanity
Hopeful
And comfortable

Things I've searched for
My entire life
Things I cannot seem to find

I've moved
Been abused
Been bullied
Been neglected
Been heartbroken
Been forgotten
Been rejected

There is no normality in my life
No steadiness
No plan

I've been hospitalized
Take medications
Been suicidal
Almost self harmed
Been so anxious, I get sick
Been so depressed I can't move

I have no sanity
Never really have
I've longed for it
Just so I could fit in

I've been crushed
Been promised something but never received it
Been lied to
Been left out
Been alone

I've lost hope
In the people around me
Lost trust
And faith

I've been depressed
Been alone
Been rejected
Been abused
Been forced to do things

I've never been comfortable
I always get curveballs
It seems nothing goes right
Ever

Normality
Sanity
Hopeful
And comfortable

Things I've searched for
My entire life
Things I cannot seem to find

I'm happy today
I'm excited
I'm antsy
I'm looking forward to the future

But I'm also afraid
Nervous
Cautious

But my fears are hidden
You can't see them
Because I have a front
So indestructible
That sometimes
I even believe it

Today is filled
With false security
Because one word
Movement
Action
Could tear me apart

But I feel happy
I feel good

Is it a lie?
Am I really okay today?
Or is it a convincing front
that even I believe?

Is this false security?
I feel pretty today
When every other day I know I'm not
I feel like dancing today
When every other day I can't move
I feel like screaming out of joy
When every other day I can hardly speak

Is this real?
Or false security?
Why am I so afraid....

To be happy?