Phoenix

Phoenix Jun 2016

You are my hero
My inspiration
My rock

Thirteen years ago
You took me in
As the daughter
You thought you'd never have

You are a gift from God
You stepped up
And filled in
When no one asked you to

You treat my mom
With the respect
And love
She deserves

Through the bumps
Brusises
Bleeding knees
And cut up elbows
You were the one I went to

You "played" Dr. Dad
And taught me to **** it up
And not panic
At a little blood

Through my mistakes
Tiny little ones
And life altering ones
You've been there for me
Holding me up
Even when I was wrong
You've loved me unconditionally

When I got hit
With depression
And bipolar
You kept me in line
Motivating me to push through
For you
For mom
And for Colin too

Even now, when my anxiety is too high
You hold me when I cry
And text me in the morning
Saying it will be alright
Everything will be fine

I may not always believe it
Or even want to accept it
Because let's face it
Sometimes we fight
And I don't like you
But I'll always love you

You are a dad to me
Even when you didn't have to be
You could have said no
And walked away
But I'm glad you didn't

Even Elliot's family
Is thankful for you
And the wonderful job you do
In raising me
And loving me
Showing me right from wrong
And being a perfectly imperfect dad

I love you daddy
Even though I don't say it often enough
I don't know where I'd be
Without a dad
As wonderful as you

Happy Father's Day

Phoenix May 2016

Happy Mother's Day

How do I express my affection,
For the person who loves me most?
Buy a ring?
Or a necklace
And flowers?

But what's the point of that?
Rings get lost
Necklaces forgotten
And flowers die

But what oh what,
Do I do for you?
Choclates?
A cheesy card?

Chocolates don't last
And cards are discarded
So they won't do
For the magnificent you

What do I do,
For someone as great as you?
You're one of my best friends
You care for me when I'm sick
And hold me when I cry

You laugh at my corny jokes
And random thoughts
You smile at my silliness
And sometimes play along

You listen to my stories
The good ones
And not so great ones

You sacrifice so much for me
It really ain't that fair
For me to act like
I don't even care

You've combed my hair
And picked my clothes
Washed my belly
And my toes

You've loved me
Since even before you had me
And worked so hard to care for me

You found a wonderful man
To help raise me
With you
And he's doing a really good job too

You are a wonderful person
And an even better mom
I wouldn't trade you for the world
You really are "da bomb"

You've made your mistakes
And I've made mine
But all through out time
You're my partner in crime

This poem is getting long
And I guess it will have to do
Even if it doesnt describe
The perfectly wonderful you

Happy Mother's Day mom
I hope you know
You really do mean the world to me
And that I really do love you

I know it's a little early but I've got to get it off my phone before my mother sees it. Hope she likes it!

Phoenix May 2016

Vent #2

How is this fair?
To make me suffer so much?
What kind of God are you?
To give me all this pain?

I don't ask for help
I don't ask for anything
So how can you expect me,
To ask help from you?

I can't even see you
Or hear you
Or hardly even feel you

So how is it even fair
That you expect me
To ask you
For help

I don't even talk to the people
Who are closest to me
So why should I talk to you?

If you're such a great
And glorious God,
Why did you "bless" me with all of this

It's WAY too much to handle
It's a personal living Hell
With the extreme mood swings
Called bipolar
And the sinking abyss
Of depression

That's not enough
No, not even close
Anxiety
High standards
Rebellious brother
Hurting friends

You broke me down
So much
"Gracious God"
That I can't help
The people I love
The people that YOU put in my life
To help
And love
And protect

So what am I supposed to do?
What exactly is it,
That you expect me to accomplish,
When I can barely breath?

Walking is hard
My limbs are made of jello
Thinking is near impossible
My brains are scrambled
My intestines are strange
They twist and turn

Nothing is easy for a human
But you must have really liked me
Or hated me
To give me what I have

Bipolar
Anxiety
Depression
All of it

All of it is a curse to me
I can never be normal
I can never have a normal life
I will always be in crippling pain
No matter what drugs they put me on

What do I get out of this?
How does this benefit either of us?
I can't do your work
And show the world your love
If I'm crying my eyes out in a dark corner
Now can I?

So how the hell, does this work?
What the hell am I supposed to do with all of it?
I am just causing the people I love pain
Because they hate seeing me in pain

Do I use it to make art?
Have compassion?
Am I supposed to help others?

Can you show up for once,
And just ******* tell me?
I'm sick of these riddles
And games you have me playing

I just want to feel better
I don't want to be numb
Or sick

I don't want to cry anymore
I don't want to feel weak anymore
I don't want to deal with any of this anymore

I just want to be normal
And happy

Is that really too much to ask....?

Phoenix May 2016

Today

I woke up this morning
With a tightness in my heart
And a numbness in my soul

I can't think today
I can't feel today
I can't function today

I don't understand why
Why can't I think?
Why can't I function?
Why is today so bad?

This is the worst it's been
In a long time

I just want to sleep
Sleep until the pain passes
Sleep until the moon collapses
And the sun explodes

I want to cry
Cry enough to make a new ocean
Or flood the already existing ones

I don't want to talk today
I have nothing really to say
No hellos
No good-byes
Nothing

Mom said it scared her a little
Dad said everyone has bad days
But I don't know
If this is considered a bad day

I'm not cranky
I'm not angry
I'm not happy
Or sad

I'm just....

I guess you could say I'm just *numb

Phoenix Apr 2016

Depression

Snap out of it
You're fine
You have medication
Did you forget to take it?

What's wrong?
Why are you so sad?
What do you mean you don't know?

I have medicine
But that doesn't cure me
It's not a magic pill

Well you must not be trying hard enough
You must not want to get better*

What do you mean I don't want to get better?
You don't think I'm trying?
Do you think I enjoy living in my own personal Hell?

Do you understand,
What it's like to have depression?
Do you understand,
What it's like to be angry all the time,
For absolute no reason?

Picture this
You can't move
Your bones are made of lead

You want to shred you skin
Like paper in a paper shreder
Because you hate your apearence
Your skin crawls looking down at yourself
Or in the mirror

You want to rip out your vocal cords
Just to feel the pain
Just so you feel SOMETHING

You want to scream
And lash out
Throw chairs
Flip tables

You don't want to exist
But you don't want to die
So you're stuck in this in between space
Forever

So if you think
For even a second
That I enjoy this
You are sadly mistaken

I may be on medication
And it was a little over two years ago
that this all started
But everyday is an uphill battle

And little do you know
I fight it ALONE
I don't ask for your help
I don't ask for your pity
I don't ask for anything

Because I know what you're going to say

So I guess it doesn't matter anway

Phoenix Apr 2016

Late Nights

I hate late nights
It's when the wicked comes out
It's when the demons come out to play

Worthless
Pathetic
Meaningless
The little creatures
In my head say

But people say
I matter
They say I'm important
And that they'd miss me if I was gone
I reply

Really?
How are you so important?
They don't even notice you're hurting
You must be real important
They retort

Mom noticed
So did Brett

But you told them
You told them you were hurting
The demons in my head
Point out
To add insult to injury
They continue
Not to mention how ugly you are

My head hurts
Brett says I'm beautiful
So do my parents
And my friends

Face it chica
People lie
Have you looked in the mirror
You have blemishes
You have stretch marks
You have bags under your eyes
You smile is hideous
How can you stand to be seen in public?
They scoff

I've got to be pretty to a degree
Right?
Strangers have said so
I wouldn't have had so many people like me at once
If I wasn't pretty
I argue

You're somewhat kind personality
Might have something to do with that
When you're not being a sarcastic *****

I'm not like that all the time anymore
I've gotten a lot better

So what?
It doesn't make up for anything
You're never going to get anywhere in life
How do you expect to get into art school?
You plain out ****
Nothing you do can ever change someone's life
Nothing you do is meaningful

I don't say anything

How do you expect to get a job later
When you terrified to get one now?
You're so pathetic
Just a waste of space

Shut up
Stop
Just stop!

What?
Afraid of the truth?
Afraid to confront the reality of your life?
How long until you realize
You're nothing but a failure
It's never going to be enough
Never

My throat goes dry
Maybe you're right
Maybe I'll never make a difference
But I can't leave
I've made promises
I know, 100%, that some people would miss me
So I've got to stick around
My eyes fill with tears
My stomach churns

I lay in bed
The dark feels like a predator
Ready to devour me whole

Tears cover my cheeks
As I lay there
Waiting for sleep to come
And the late night to pass

Because I hate late nights
It's when the wicked comes out
It's when the demons come out to play

Phoenix Apr 2016

What's wrong?

It's happening again
It's all caving in
All I've worked so hard for
Is being destroyed in front of me

I can't breath
My ribs have punctured my lungs
Punctured my heart

My intestines are slowly being unraveled
Bit by bit
As violently as possible

A tornado twists and turns
Viciously inside my body
Pulling at the muscle walls
And squishy insides

I want to scream
I want to scream so loud
That somebody might actually hear me

I want to cry
But if I cry
I might drown this entire town

I want to draw
But my hands don't work
My mind goes too fast
And my eyes only see failure

I want to write
But I can never write the truth
I can't explain my emotions
Only in short sentences
A poem
But even that isn't enough

I want to speak
Tell someone
Anyone
Anyone who will listen

But in order to speak
I have to know what's wrong
I have to have words to say to them

BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG
I DON'T KNOW
I DON'T KNOW

I just *DON'T KNOW