Phoenix

Phoenix Mar 2016

How do you become a poet?

When I first started
A poet
Was someone reading
Lines about peace
And the end of war
In a dimly lit cafe

But to be a poet
There is no expectation
On who you're supposed to be

You could be the kid
Who wears all black and never speaks
You could be the cheerleader
Who never stops speaking
You could be the star quarterback
Or the quiet artist

To be a poet
You must have a soul
You must be willing to write
About what's deep inside

To be a poet
You musn't be afraid
Of what people might say
When you put your heart on the sleeve

To be a poet
You don't have to expose it all
But you must share a little
Because I'm guaranteed
Someone else is feeling it too

No one wants to read the generic
It's been said
So many times
And in so many ways

So be creative
Be out there
Be spontaneous
Write your heart and soul

Poets are artists
Expressing their feelings
Through words
Showing their soul
To the world
When no one close
Can hear them

Sometimes
Being an artist
Of any kind
Is hard

Sometimes
You don't write for awhile
But that's okay
One day
Inspiration will hit you
And it will be beautiful

I like to think
That I'm a true poet
I write about my hurt
My love
My friends and family

I write about what I see around me
I write about what I feel
What I think
I write about what I hide

Does this make me a true poet?
I'm not sure
I suppose that's not for me to decide

But what I see
When I read other poems
Is a group of people
Putting aside differences

To show their pain
To vent
To show their love
To express what's inside

And I think
It's truly beautiful

I think we are all *true poets

Phoenix Mar 2016

To Know One, Is To Know The Other

To feel love
You must know hate

To feel joy
You must know pain

To feel surrounded
You must know being alone

To feel free
You must know being cornered

There is always a negative
To a positive
A good
To the bad
Yin to yang

I've faced my fears
Been to Hell and back
Been pushed to my limits
Been close to death
I've shed so many tears

But don't get my wrong
My beloved readers
I'm no coward
I haven't backed down
And I won't back down

Because I know pain
I know love
Because I know sorrow
I know joy

Life is a series of hardships
Life is a never ending war
Between good and bad
Happy and sad
Love and hate

The pain of yesterday
Makes me stronger today
The sorrow of tomorrow
Helps me value the now

Since I've been to Hell and back
I know the value of love
I know the meaning of friends
And family

Since I know death
I know life

Since I know death
I know how to fight
Even if it is hard

Since I know life
I know what to fight for
Even when hope seems lost

Phoenix Mar 2016

Vent

Sounds are so LOUD
Lights are so BRIGHT

All because of you
You've scared me
Beyond belief

I'm so stressed out
I can't seem to think straight
I have a headache now
Because of you

Do you know how miserable
Stress headaches are
They hurt the base of your skull
And a little of your neck

You don't like to move
Nor do you like to think
But sometimes life
Calls for you to do it anyways

I have assignments
And commitments
Things that matter to me
But you wouldn't know that
Because you never loved me

All I was
Was a toy to use
For whatever you choose
But now you see
Now that I'm free
I have people who actually care for me

So all you've done
In the 4 years I've known you
Is caused me pain
In so many ways

You say you didn't mean it
And I said I didn't care
But in reality
We ended up both being liars

I really did care
That you used me everyday
You really did mean it
You meant every hurtful thing you said

I try to remember
A good memory of us
So I don't forever see you as a monster

But in actuality
The true reality
Is that we never had a good memory

It's all tainted
In one way or another

The thought of you now
And the thought of us then
Make me want to hurl

I said you meant the world to me
That I'd go to the moon and back
And for the longest time
I meant it
And I thought you felt the same

But I guess not

Because here I am
Afraid of you
With my eyes opened wide
To see the true monster you hide

I saw that video
You posted for the world
And anyone who saw
You and me
Would see the stab
You made at me

It wasn't hateful
Just painful to see
That you think
I gave you the best memories

At first it was true
For me as well
But I can't say that now

It's hard to see
What you did to me
And see myself
As human

My skin crawls
Because of you
And all the things
You made me do

All my friends know
The sick, sick games
They say it wasn't me
But it was you

Instinct tells me
Own up to your mistake
So I always remind them
I had that choice to make

Sometimes I wish
I could escape this Hell
For you have set a trap
And ensnared me

My heart has barbed wire
Wrapped around and around
Everything having to do with you
Makes it tighter and tighter

Was this your desire
To bring me pain
To bring me sorrow

Was this your plan
To make me like you
A wolf in sheep's clothing
A monster in disguise

Because I don't want to be like you
I don't want this done
To anyone

So you may hurt me
Every day until I die
But you can't hurt my friends
My family
My love

Phoenix Mar 2016

True Terror

I don't think you get it
The feeling of true terror

The stomach drop
The sharp knife
Going through your chest
And coming out of your back

True terror
Is something I've never felt before

Not until now

My mind filled with 'What if's'
What if he hurts my babe?
What if he hurts me?
What if he's out for revenge?
What if he tries to go after my friends?

My throat is tight
TRUE terror

What if
What if
What if

Who do I talk to?
Classmates understand
They warned my babe
Told him to watch out
Protect me

But I don't want that
I don't want him to do that
I don't want him to get hurt
Because of me
I could never forgive myself

What about everyone else
My squad
My friends
My family

They could get hurt
Because of me

But maybe he won't do anything
Maybe he won't be a threat
Maybe I'm over dramatic
Maybe I'm over reacting

I know that's what daddy would say
I know that's what mama would say
I know that's what little brother would say

Did I do something to cause this
Was there something I could have done
To prevent any of this
Or am I just being stupid

People say I'm innocent
That it's all on him
But I'm actually terrified
That I caused it to be my fault

It's been almost a ******* year
And a 5 minute video can hurt me
How can this happen

This ******* *****
This stupid 5 minute video
Brought me terror

True terror

Phoenix Feb 2016

My Soul

Can I rip out my vocal cords
I don't have anything to say anyways

Can I destroy my emotions
I'm going numb as it is

Can I rip out my heart
All it does is hurt

Can I rip out my lungs
I can't ever breath

Can I find my soul
In a book
Or a song
Where has it gone

My soul is whole
My soul is bright

This soul is broken
This soul is grey

This soul isn't mine
This soul doesn't belong to me
Therefore it shouldn't be with me

This a soul that belongs in a grave
Dead and buried

My soul is full of life
My soul loves adventure
And romance
And joy

This soul hates all of that
Therefore it is not mine

This soul is contaminated
With hate
And destruction

My soul has escaped me
Left my body through a long exhale
Off on an adventure
Leaving me empty
An open space

This soul came in
To occupy my empty space
But I wish it hadn't
I feel more hallow now
Then I did before

So can I rip out my vocal cords
Because I don't have anything to say

Can I destroy my emotions
I'm almost fully numb

Can I rip out my heart
It hardly beats anymore

Can I rip out my lungs
I can't ever breath

So do you see
What this soul has done to me

I need my soul
I don't want this broken one
I need to be whole

Phoenix Feb 2016

7 Letters

Why is my heart tight
From a 7 letter word

A 7 letter word
From 2 years ago

My stomach is twisting
My head is spinning
I feel the self hate

Pathetic little girl
Letting the pain come back
A 7 letter word
Is all it took

So pathetic
To let it bring the hurt back

You're supposed to be better
To put it in a grave
And let it die instead of you

But here I am
Sharp pains of guilt
And shame

My body feels weak
Heavy like lead
From a simple 7 letter word

I can feel the numb return
I can feel the pain again

A trigger

A stupid 7 letter word
Is a trigger for me

It awakens the beast
And it reminds me
How close I always am
To falling back into the grips
Of the monster inside

No matter how drugged I am
With antidepressants
And mood stabilizers
That 7 letter word
Brings back the pain
The numb
The memories of 2 years ago

Memories of Roger's Memorial
Of the fear
Of the hate

They come rushing back
Because of a 7 letter word
That has affected so many

A 7 letter word
That once had no meaning to me
But now terrifies me

A 7 letter word
A simple 7 letter word

*Suicide

Phoenix Jan 2016

Girl in the Mirror

Please don't cry
I can see you
The girl opposite in the mirror

Please don't cry
You can do it
Don't worry
It will end
Just you wait and see

Think about the boy you love
And your non-biological sister
Think of your mom and dad
And all the love and support you get
From all of them

Please don't cry
Girl in the mirror
I can feel your pain
My heart is choked
Tightened with pain
For you

Please don't cry
Little girl
You have come this far

Look at you
It's 2016
And you wanted to die
In 2014

You came through that
Even though it seemed impossible
You came through it
For the people you love

I know you can feel it again
Feel the monster inside
Creeping up from it's cave
I can feel it too

Please don't cry
Please try your best
Not to shut down

I was told
By my pastor at church
People are one of God's graces

So little girl
Please don't cry
Let your loved ones help you

Let them in
Don't let the monster win
Don't let him take control
Again

I know you're afraid of yourself
Girl in the mirror
I know your afraid
Of what you might do

But don't worry
You're stronger then you give yourself credit
You've beat it once
You can do it again

So please don't cry
Girl in the mirror
Because you can do it
It will end soon

Please don't cry
Girl in the mirror
Because you
Are me