It is morning, the sun has yet to rise.
There is a crispness to the air
The moon is waning
and the stars are tapered
I dreamt of your face,
for a fleeting moment.
You were alive.
Were you going up the staircase or down?
I don’t know.
I do know I miss you.
Every since the light burned out before midnight,
I have wanted to see your face.
When you were here I felt strength and safety.
At times you burned hot and cold
But I always felt the ambivalence of your disposition.
There are people that you will get only so close to.
They are the ones who will be farthest away.
You are as near as the impending sunrise
and as far as the moon.
I remember you and I won’t soon forget.

I dreamt that you could speak
That you could understand
My hopes and dreams
My plans for the future
And I could understand
Your past and pain
But it was all in vain
Because even though
I could be understood
And you could understand
You weren’t what I pictured
What I had in mind
When I designed my future plan

Random dream entry
I dreamt that we were floating on a grand ocean liner. We explored islands of ruin and decay, turning over every stone. I was leaving the country with my family. I knew you were not coming with me. I kept making excuses, that I had forgotten my passport, or that I needed my cell phone charger. I was stalling an inevitable goodbye.

I still remember when I first fell in love with you.
Your smile made me feel like a child, overjoyed.
Your playfulness painted a picture of the happy family I had never imagined before.
Your social commentary made me feel less awkward and alone.
Your focus left me in awe as I focused on you.
I wanted to get a piggy back ride from you.
I wanted our future children to have that opportunity as well.
I wanted to hold your hand in that moment and forever.
When you picked me a flower, I picked you.
I had to meet my best friend so I had to say goodbye.
But I had met my best friend and I never wanted to say goodbye.

Sometimes I feel like I am doing everyone a great disservice just by being alive
When I reflect on this I feel almost narcissistic
My existence is not that impactful
All of these thoughts bring me an inner grief
As I would not say these things towards another person
I want to filter my inner monologue
My thoughts can almost bring me to tears when I am trying to focus on a present task at hand
Ruminations of misery come over me at random
I want to be emotionally well

Today is the same as yesterday.
The morning storms awoke me from
My placid dreamy state. Almost the same.  Yesterday,  I noticed you had already left for work as your side of the bed was absent. I longed to be nestled in your embrace as the storm waged on. This morning you are here.  I tried to hold you, thinking this is perfect I have a redo. You told me to scoot over.  Yesterday,  as I day dreamed about your hand holding mine as I succumbed to old age I realized that I am distrusting because I am afraid of inevitable loss.  Today,  I realized that I may not be afraid of losing you,  I am afraid that I can not have you and I can not be had in the way that I would like.  Expectations are suffering and I do exceptionally well at dissapointment.

Today, I feel pensive.
There is a block on my energy.
I want to build a wall ten feet high,
That allows me the discretion
Of running away without allowing
Anyone to see which direction
I am going.
I have no destination in particular
In mind.

There was love in the trees
There was love in the breeze that blew the leaves too
There was love in my knees
The day I fell for you

There was love in the sky
There was love in the sun that shown upon the earth too
There was love in my eye
When I looked at you

There was love everywhere
And there still is too
It's just that the trees are growing bare
And the sky is no longer blue
But I still have that same look
When I look at you

Who are you?
I ask as I touch your face.
Why are you here?
I enquire as my eyes search this place.
What do you want?
I question as these inklings taunt.
I am a woman who is strong...
Because, I refuse to give up...
To grow...

***** before the age of seven
I lost my faith that day
told that I couldnt get in to heaven
because I had *** before marriage
I was a child thinking I had a miscarriage
because the toilet and my ******* were blood red from where my ***** bled
and I shed my virginity and a tear
and everytime I walked in that bathroom I had fear
when I was naked I felt afraid
when I laid in my bed at night
I would close the door tight
I didnt want a sliver of light coming in
because anybody could creep in on a whim
That day changed me forever
I will never forget it
and I will always regret it
when he asked do you want to play a game
I said yes and expressed excitement and delightment
but that moment should have been his indictment
there should have been punishment and violence
but instead there was shushing and silence
in my head the blood is rushing inside of me
as I share this memory
I see the face of my enemy
dressed as a clown on halloween
and I want to scream.
but this isnt something to shout about
but im angry about it everyday
and im still hurting in every way
because Im not certain
the pain goes away
and inside I die
knowing that im not right

A whisper inaudible
Left to the night
Falls not upon
Listener
Expressing delight
A secret
Meant not to be kept
But not intended to be shared
Is left to listless apathy
As noone cared
We all say things
That nobody hears
Hushing our shame and fears
Thinking shyly of dreams
In the silence
I can hear our screams

To awaken asleep
In a sedation so deep
No relation to a reality so obscure
No elation to basque in thats pure
Just lost in the system you have lost yourself in.
Frost bitten and bitter by the cold awful truth.
Your youth was sapped away and monetized
So you could be indoctrinated by thier lies.

Stand up straight,
pledge your heart,
tuck in your shirt,
forget about art,
shake hands,
make money,
make plans,
play your part,
nod and agree,
this won't hurt,
bend over and take it while the upper eshelons make it.
You're stuck in the dirt.
breed hate,
make war,
but wait theres more.
Be sheep,
eat garbage,
ignore the carnage on the screen,
open your eyes,
shut up,
listen to this party music pop,
be seen in these clothes,
drive these cars,
live in these suburbs,
Hang out at these bars
kiss the fat plastic ***** of these reality stars.
Get drunk,
get high,
get ******,
get by,
Work, dont stop.
why do we try to survive?
Why is the society we live in one where desparity thrives,
taught to covet a shiny rock,
Then told it is not for us to hold,
So we dig our own graves until we get old.
Hoping to find a nugget of gold.
a concept favored by the elite classes,
a smart lazy man with a shiny rock tricked the masses into believing that he possessed value with no skills,
we still believe
so we try to achieve the thrills that come with obtaining the shiny rock,
we will do so until the world stops.

My heart is a bruised fruit
Half rotted
that I have preserved So well
that to the touch
It feels like glass
Strong glass that won't shatter
If you were to squeeze it
Or throw it against a wall
But none of that matters at all
Because it's made of matter
That matters
that's all that matters
After all
I have made my heart harder
Because it's only half of a whole
And there's a hole in the center
That renders it hollow
I know it's hard to swallow but it's true
My heart is softer in the middle
So it's frail and brittle
But I hardened it to give it to you
I made it harder so it couldn't break
But it's still soft
I thought I was smarter
And I could never be a martyr
But at the end of the day my heart
Breaks in two
And all it takes is you

Somedays the days are wasted
Without such remarkable delight
Caught in moments toiling away til night
Getting nothing done but rising at dawn
And settling with the sun
As life goes on

Sometimes I think back to when I was young, I remember how expansive the world was,  how everything was enchanted,  how new days were filled with boundless possibilities. Now,  I know that the world is a place for me to explore,  it is truly magical,  and each day I am creating endless realities.  My spirit shall stay youthful, innocent,  curious, and gracious.

To take what does not belong to you is theft.
So why is there none left?
Why do you determine who gets what?
Why do you decided what hands are tied?
I was born as you were from the womb,
But you make earth my tomb.
You take the trees that help me breathe,
You cut them down as they grow,
and throw them into waste,
You use the textiles of the earth to replace good nature with a dead dictators face.
So you can breed war and hate and greed.
So that you may snub your nose at need to protect from the diseases that infect both I and you, to shield from the catastrophe of natural disaster these storms that destroy the crops we yield to feed the hungry, you ignore all of this, for monetization of earth and life, told from birth it is our god given right to pay taxes and follow rules, but guess what, not all of us are fools, to be used as pawns and tools, to become cannon fodder in the wars you wage on one another. I will not fight a fellow human being, I will not surcumb to these terrible things you expect me to accept, I will not be who you want me to be, an automaton to be used by the upper echelon. These are people, animals, all living things, connected, not to be attained.
Shall we continue to build towers that block out the skies, only to knock them out with the fatal powers of militarized warfare, or will there be a revolution? The solution starts with you and I. A choice to speak freely of freedom, a concept not granted or taken this life we are living in is not something we should participate in. Society is imploding on itself as the desparity grows between the wealthy classes and the starving masses the health of the earth dissipates, and seals the fate of it's inhabitants, and dependents, this greed, these wars, will leave no remnants of life.

Although we lived in a constant state of change,
life had become static and we found a sense of
relative normalcy.

Of course, situations arose that brought excitement or turmoil but for the most part, our egos were so sure of tomorrow.

Our laurels rested in its promise, fore-bearing responsibility and hopes for that magical time that was boundlessly abundant.

Suddenly, we were jolted out of our mundane routines.

A powerful shift occurred. Our cognitive dissonance could no longer protect us as the invisible threat grew nearer.

For some, this time is filled with fear and anxiety of what the future will be like.

For others, this time is filled with peace and ease.
Staying present and calm.

Yet, there are those who mourn with nostalgia for yesterday.

As for myself, I am grateful to be alive. Acknowledging that death has no deadline has reminded of how sacred life is. Each moment can be sentimental and profound. For this finite period, I am sentient and that is the gift of human experience.

Pain can be exhumed like a cadavre
The rib cage cincher of vulnerability
opening to display the once beating heart
Ventricles pumped passions of past trauma
In this observation my adrenaline races
My memories like a super 8 reel sliding backwards, stills stuck in time seamlessly creating cinematic macabre
The tangled film unraveling on the floor at my feet rendering me unable to move freely
The menagerie serves as a distraction from the retro active autopsy being performed and I quickly realize that this is not my observation
These are not my undying aches
I am not lifeless on a steel table
The current version of myself is very much alive thanks to the version of myself that wished my mortality was expendable.

Your love is demure
Often times obscure
Are your intentions pure
Or am I looking back at a cracked mirror

My vision distorted
By suspicion purported
Your decision not surported
By the revision I've recorded

Who can say if the way I feel is subjective
Is my thought process objective
Does my mind race like that of a detective
Could I possibly be selective

Its all I've known to feel rejected
And it's just because I've always been neglected
My sense of self worth has been affected
As I've been a cassette consistently ejected
I'm often times dejected

Am I just easily distrusting
Is it worth us discussing
Or do you find this side of me hideously disgusting
As I get mad and start repeatedly  cussing

Perhaps I am a girl with daddy issues
And these eyes won't dry with one billion tissues
Or I just refuse
To think my ticking time bomb heart will diffuse

In taking others loving advice
I'm accepting your sacrifice
But I'm contemplating my own demise
Simply negating a man can be nice

And it is unwise to be this way
And I can't help these tricks my mentality tends to play
Perhaps there will be another day
Where I can keep these thoughts at bay

Am I good enough?
Am I sensitive to ask such?
Should I be more tough?
Are my edges too rough?
Are you still interested in finding my diamond?
Can you see it shining deep inside?
Or did I hide it?
To where you are rendered blind
by my hindered mind.
Inside of my soul
There is nothing but coal.
And that pressure
Presses down.
To create my treasure.
A diamond for your crown.

The African mother
Has genes like no other
Can create eyes with greens
Browns or blue
Skin with Tenebrae
Or lighter in hue
The African Mother
Created every color
We see
We all come from
The fertile crescent
So why are we so incessant
To worry about the melanin
In our skin
Iridescent or incandescent
Our descent from relative location to the equator
Has become the subject of debate or hate
But why can't we relate
That our fate
Should never differentiate
Based on differences
From interferences of light
Regardless of the color of our skin we should have the same plight
But I am privileged because I am white
I am not an apologist
Just a social anthropologist
Who acknowledges that its not right
We are all made of matter
And atoms
Or come from Adam and Eve
However, you perceive
But we deceive each other
To believe that we are different
Inherently and there needs to be a disparity
Of how we treat one another
But you are my brother
And I am your sister
Though my skin is alabaster
And begins to blister in the sun
I will fight this battle
With you by my side
Allied as one
Until we hold the same opportunity
There can be no unity
So we fight this war
For equality
Once more
Know that I am your friend
Not your enemy
And I'll defend you
Never condemn you
My brethren

You only gave me a name
Just like my father before
But like that man
Staying was never in your plan
And loving me was a chore
I always thought it was me and nothing more
I bore holes in my soul bearing my heart
Knowing **** well what my father taught me from the start
We would have to part
You left before I did
I stayed close to your ghost
As close as you can get to a silhouette that hid the man I thought I loved
The man who continuously shoved me away
The worst part was I prayed
I prayed for god to make me lovable
To make me good enough
I prayed to not cry to just try to be tough
But alas God granted my wish
He led me to this
With all of the love I have for me
A sense of self and dignity
You betrayed me
But I played myself
Because I thought my worth was in you or my dad or someone else
Now I feel sorry for those wasted days when I wasted away
Hoping to be someone that I didn’t let be
Mostly, I just want to thank you for what you couldn’t give me
Which was my identity

A capricious capricorn born to daughter of joseph aloisious and mariellen
A wild haired blonde named dawn
Who had her at age six and ten
She had a brother named Ryan before her life began
Her father a man twice her mothers age
Not a wise man, nor a sage.
Her grandmother remarried to son of harry poole.
A man named Keith not a genius nor a fool.
Unlike estranged joe, he kept his cool.

Mother remarried to a man who did not.

Though her father said he missed her,
he never bothered to call. Soon she had a new sister and felt like nothing at all.

Some years later the step father would leave, finally she felt she could breathe.

Her mom relieved she began to see another man.

A man named mark she soon had a child.
A bright eyed boy named dennis, with a sweet smile.

The girl would run away in search of happiness wishing for more.
Her heart was free, and her dreams alive.

She returned to the place that she once escaped,

to make the mistakes she once made.
Like a blade of grass in tussle with the wind.
She felt defeated, and waited for her life to begin.

She waited for the day when she would leave on a whim.

Learning to love myself
The way I love you
Is easier said
Than done
So I say
I love you
To me
Instead
Of hoping
To hear it from you
And so the process has begun

Bodies going down in my city
Man I tell you it's ******
No lobbies or committees to combat
The epidemic of systemic genocide
Man I'm so tired
Of losing all my friends to dope
******* shoot it up
Snort it like coke
All up in their nose
If you're into popping pills
They got those too
***** lethal but it's legal
The government's got you boo
Get addicted want to quit it
hit the clinic get your fix in a minute
******'s a game
But only the pusha man is in it to win it
Cause the dope is slaying
Dealers don't give a **** about the implications
Of the drugs they slanging
Saying man come back I got more of that
Homie keep on banging
Family trees rearranging due to falling leaves
But as long as they stacking stacks
They'll perpetuate the perpetual disease
The illness is the illest
The realness is the realest
And if you feel this
Tell me what the deal is.

ugh...
You disappeared
but I pushed you away
I always feared that you would leave someday
but I opened the door and showed you the way
there's nothing left to say
our words are verses to replay
but none of it makes sense
there's just reverb, delay, and
false pretense
of what should have been said
but there is only silence
the line is dead
and I keep rewinding it all in my head
your absence leaves me with a looming sense of dread
and I think back instead of forward
hoping for one more word
but there can't be closure
so I keep my composure
on the outside at least
on the inside
I yearn for release
of the mystery
and misery
threatening my peace
but I let you go
knowing I'll never really know

A dream come true is what you are.
A fulfilled wish made upon a star.
You are everything I had been hoping for
what I thought was just silly old folk lore.
An idea to imagine yet never obtain
A day dream to induldge in and quickly refrain.
Now I know you are all too real.
The perfect euphoria I can see hear and feel.

The Present
Is a gift
To unwrap
Slowly
Carefully
Not to ruin the paper
But to save it for later

Sun shines on the plains
The rains have washed away at last
The storm passed
And with them the pains of yesterday
In which I hoped would pass
Are long gone
I am moving on
Forgetting the past
Holding fast to the faith in my heart
Reeling at the chance
To play my part
To dance with joy
And create art
I have found peace
I am calm
In heaven and earth
I haven't a qualm
With the love of god
I am becoming strong

I write the story with the inevitable ending.
You wont catch me pretending I am immortal.
I do not think death is a mystical portal.
I live each day like life will eventually fade away.
I find happiness is fleeting.
If you try to attain it, it can feel quite defeating.
Bonds that are made can always be broken
those that are not are quite the token.
The things you regret you will someday forget.
The things you cherish may someday perish.
These are truths I can not deny.
They give me comfort as each day passes by.

I am a mess

I am impulsive

I am obsessive

I am fake

I am a liar

I am neurotic

I am Insecure

I am ugly

I am as intelligent as I try to be

I don't try enough

I am lazy

I am annoying

I am imposing

I am assuming

I am afraid to know what others really think of me

I know what I think of myself

I don't know who I am

I am ashamed of my body

I am ashamed of my skin

I am ashamed

I am weak

I do not believe in myself

I do not follow through

I hate who I am

I don't love enough

I am not as caring as I should be

I am selfish

I am afraid of being alone

I am too distant

I don't use my time wisely

I am indecisive

I am not competitive

I am manipulative

I am an addict

I don't like being told not to do something

I am disgusting

I am overly critical

I am judgemental

You say the Beldam lead you astray
You placed a garland on her crown that summer day
Lifting the veil only to see
That she betrayed your destiny
If I am the witch fairy as you portray
who promised you love and gave you dismay
Pray tell pray tell why did you stay
Perhaps you were an incubus
On that rainy night
I came for safety
Your prey in sight
You wanted to drain me
Of my soul
Leave me again
An empty hole
Oh from that shame
My heart did swell
And I was full
And I was well
No longer the vessel ebbing
To hell now we are heading
But we can’t be that far from heaven
Because I can feel the angels weep
Was it a dream or a nightmare
When you walked away
And I stayed right there
I lay in sleep or is it wake
Was it the path or a mistake
I could never tell
From one monster to another
I wish you farewell

From the very beginning we are often writing the ending. Perhaps this is practical in nature if we seek to reach a conclusion but so often we are jumping to conclusions. We are so fixated on determining what is to come that we don't even realize what is happening. We skip over the details attempting comprehension from the subtlety of minute context clues foreshadowing what will be concluded. But,  the devil is in the details.

My favorite things in the world are of the earth and universe.
Tulips and sunsets, stars, and pearls.
Tiny ants in thier colonies, apes in the trees.
The birds in the skies, the bees in the hives. The people and thier lives.
I love the oceans.
The land.
The dirt, the rocks, the sand and sediments.
The mountains, the canyons,
The glorious fruits and harvest.
The beasts that wander the plain.
The raw emotions.
The feeling of rain.
Water falls and waves that crash.
Geysers and volcanoes that explode.
The plates that corrode.
Tadpoles, and toads.
But I love art, where we take apart things and make them new again.
But in my heart I know that destruction and reconstruction are not creations but reductions of the majesty that is the tapestry of our home.
Our strife stems from our preservation and elimination of life.
Why do we build and destroy?
Why do we seperate and divide.
Why do we unite and create.
Why do we love?
Why do we hate?
Why do we imagine great gods that manipulate our fates?
Why do we engineer great and terrible machines?
Why do we covet shiny things.
I simply can not rise above it, my
confusion of the complex curiosity of my life as I know it, our lives, life.
Buy I know that my favorite things are of the earth and universe.
I wish I could live in the woods again
Then maybe I would understand all of our problems and all of our plans.
Until then, I stress with unrest, how these men could mold and blend the societies to arm aristocracy against starving masses.
My life is, our lives, are doomed to consume and be consumed.
I am not sure how to accept the predatorial ecosystem of socioeconomic thriving and surviving.
I feel left out with doubt that things are exactly as they ought to be in our so called democracy, and the powers that govern the boundaries created by man.
I just feel so sad to be a part of this plan.
I wouldn't choose to view the world from my subjective perspective.
I would be free.
I would not take as much as I have.
I would plant seeds, and eat plants.
Build my hut from leaves.
Wait and see what nature brings.
Do a rain dance.
I Realize I am only at the mercy of gravity and the skies, the stars that collide.

Barely have I woken
Barely have we spoken
But this morning
I feel such a shame
and such a burden of the blame
I lash out in anger
Treat you like a stranger
Even though I feel
Very much the same
I dont know why your words feel like danger
And I feel I must attack back
But some mornings it is empathy
And self awareness which I lack
I need to combat this awful feeling
So I may begin revealing
The person who I wish to be
Instead of letting us both
Assure self destruction mutually
I am sorry truly sorry
That at times
I can be
So defensive
So relentless
So hostile
So volatile
So acutely obtuse and cross
That I let an argument
Be my victory
And take you as a loss

I have started to think less of who you will be.
Instead, I am changing my focus and turning it more inwardly.
You see, you may never be, but I most certainly am.
Who I become can change your life before it ever had began.
So I am changing my present, so I may present this great gift to you.
I am only one, but perhaps one day, one will come from two.
I love you endlessly even though you are just a thought.
But whoever you may be is half of me, so I have to give myself all I've got.
I know that I will be so proud of you because you will be part of me, so I must take pride in myself too.
Thank you for inspiring me to aspire to be everything you could ever require of me.

In the rising tide
That ebbs and flows
I won’t find myself
Thrashing against
Crashing waves
Like throes of passion
I’ll hold steady
But not too tight
And ride it out
Til the sky is bright
If I find myself
Smashing against the rocky shore
I’ll gaze upon the lighthouse
Til I’m no longer sore
If I find myself thrashing in the current
Grasping for air
I will not succumb to the sea
You’ll see me there
This too shall pass
I’ll soon be found
The moon sings to me
And I am sound

Theres a fine line
Between the dead and the dying
Some of us let go
And some of us are trying
But none of us will make it out alive
Some of us will thrive
Some will struggle
But none of us will survive
It's time we smuggle

Let us see
what is to be
but destiny can wait
we can make something great
that fate has yet to create
if we start now
no need for know how
we just begin on a whim
no expectation
for disappointment
or elation
just concentration
no frustration
or justification
just our imagination
free to explore
what else is there
but to do and dream
that is what our time is for

Planes leave jet streams
That trail in different ways
Fading haze
and pastel puffs
In neon gradients
Blending into each other
Birds fly over
Black like ink on watercolor
And the air is cool and crispy
Chilly and brisk
As my smoke tangles in whispy twists

I fall in love with strangers.
I wish to cradle their souls.
I want to be the one with whom
they share their secrets, dreams and goals.
I see so many walking completely void of smiles
and I wish to carry them for many many miles.
I long to fix the world although I am just a girl.
I aspire to open all of their hearts and replace the broken parts.
I weep for those without a home
I feel emptiness when I see those alone.
Why can't I be everyone's friend?
Why can't I make them whole again?
Why can't I solve them, everyone's problems?
I must admit, I know that I can not fix all of it.
So I just stare at passerby and softly wonder, wonder why.

Icarus had wings that would only get him so high
Ten years ago he fell from the sky
Too close to the sun for which he so yearned
His tarnished wings scorched and burned
Never descending to hell again
My friend is in heaven
And well within
Under God’s watchful eye
Surely you will never die
Though you had to perish
I do cherish you so
I had to let you go
So you could fly
Though this is goodbye
It’s just for now
I know we will meet again
Some way some how

Our dreams were never ours
They were mine and yours
My dreams were of love
Yours were of money
But isn't it funny that we both got our dreams
Even though we were ripping
At the seams
Like the tattered jeans
I wore in youth
Back when we were so uncouth
And we thought we knew everything
But we couldn't see the truth
That we were so close
And so far
Like the vibrating strings of my exes guitar
We thought we could go anywhere
We knew we would leave this town
In all its' dust and smoke
But we came back each time
Defeated and broke
We would meet up for cocktails
Reminiscing of the past
Hoping for the future
Unsure of the present
Saying this isn't permanent
It too shall pass
As we discussed plans
Each time I found myself
Grasping for your hands
Perhaps it is because they reached
But not to me
That is what I couldn't see
But your fingertips longed
For something ahead
And when you discussed the future
I was very much in the moment
Looking at you instead
I never loved you
I loved your lust for life
You never loved me
You loved the way my heart thrusted from strife
We never loved each other
But we loved the plans we made
And to see our dreams come true seperately
Is the most beautiful bittersweet serenade

Someday you will be loved
The way you have always known how
But you have to love yourself for now

Make good
And give due
Learn to let go
And go through
Be true
Be kind
Be merciful
Not blind
Have faith
Let action over come doubt
Think of how to make do
And dont worry of going without

Two tons of lead
Dropped in the sea
I slip away  aimlessly
No rope to tether
My feet to land
I am reaching
For an invisible hand
And my grasp
Is like trying to pinch
Just a grain of sand
Feeling the pressure
Pulling me down
Sinking to the depths
Starting to drown
Two tons of lead
Dropped in the sea
As if there ever was a chance
I could rise and be free