Color Sight

He was never mine but I captured his attention.

For a moment I was the girl back home he would always mention.

I was in no place to be an army wife with loose ends

He went away to korea, we split ways. No thought to remain friends.

I will always wish for him to find better days.

He saw what many men see in me
A shiny fish in the sea

But soon he found that those who try to catch me drown

In an ocean of emotion he fell and sunk like a rock

But I just kept swimming, singing my siren song,

Waiting for someone to come along and
dive into the depths of my obstinance

And pull me up despite my resistance.

To help me shine with opulence.

Learning to love myself
The way I love you
Is easier said
Than done
So I say
I love you
To me
Instead
Of hoping
To hear it from you
And so the process has begun

Letting the fear of rejection
Hold you back
Keeps you from accepting
What you do not lack
When you look at yourself
For what you are not
You lose sight of all that you have got
Be who you are and change what you wish
You can feel better if you try, I promise you this.

A whisper inaudible
Left to the night
Falls not upon
Listener
Expressing delight
A secret
Meant not to be kept
But not intended to be shared
Is left to listless apathy
As noone cared
We all say things
That nobody hears
Hushing our shame and fears
Thinking shyly of dreams
In the silence
I can hear our screams

Oh this pain
withers me
to my old bones
I wish I had a hand to hold
but every man that touches me
eventually turns ice cold
I always have to fly on my own
til I find the warm heart
That I'll make my home
then maybe
I'll learn to be happy
and warm
safe from harm
But right now
I'm lonely
with love
losing it's charm
I feel the familiar feeling
reeling up to the goodbye
I don't know what to do
So I just let it lie in silence
And I give up my reliance
Wait in defiance of how we will become you and me.
How I'll try to forget your name
That will scar my heart
As another one, who I believed could be the one.
And I'll remember how I said I love you,
And you didn't say a thing.
And I'll give up on what we had between us.
Kick myself for caring to much.
And brush it off, and be strong.
But maybe, I am the one who is wrong.

If I reach up real high,
I can touch the marbled sky,
I can walk to the sunset,
I can cry my eyes dry,
I can forget regret,
I can make change,
I can be happy and utterly strange.

I only have enough confidence to fill the silence.
I only have enough patience to wait for not.
I only have enough self respect for apathy.
All this time, I have had enough.

In my dreams, I am alive,
I can do anything without fear,
I know that I will survive.

Midnight fell on your face
As you brushed the flower surprise from my thighs
I blushed as laughter lit across your smile
A memory just moments ago
But I thought I’d write it anyway
While we were sitting here
I love you my dear
My darling, my friend
I’m glad to have you near all day
my love has no end
If I’m not present
You can find me in heaven
Ascending in bliss

Make good
And give due
Learn to let go
And go through
Be true
Be kind
Be merciful
Not blind
Have faith
Let action over come doubt
Think of how to make do
And dont worry of going without

I woke up in the morning and I was unstuck.
Suddenly I felt the reward of good luck.
The fates smiled upon me
and I smiled back.
From that point on my life was on track
The truth is that never happened at all.
I woke up in the morning not wanting to wake up at all.
I felt stuck by continuous bad luck.
Misfortune and misery were all that were me and disaster was to be my destiny for all of eternity.
But I woke up in the morning and made a decision, to write a revision to the start, to make an incision in my heart and fix the broken part. While I was at it I changed my mind because I saw that I had been blind, with my vision restored I sought to change more. I began to see what I had wished to be before. Suddenly, I woke up and I was me, nothing more.

Sun shines on the plains
The rains have washed away at last
The storm passed
And with them the pains of yesterday
In which I hoped would pass
Are long gone
I am moving on
Forgetting the past
Holding fast to the faith in my heart
Reeling at the chance
To play my part
To dance with joy
And create art
I have found peace
I am calm
In heaven and earth
I haven't a qualm
With the love of god
I am becoming strong

Bodies going down in my city
Man I tell you it's ******
No lobbies or committees to combat
The epidemic of systemic genocide
Man I'm so tired
Of losing all my friends to dope
******* shoot it up
Snort it like coke
All up in their nose
If you're into popping pills
They got those too
***** lethal but it's legal
The government's got you boo
Get addicted want to quit it
hit the clinic get your fix in a minute
******'s a game
But only the pusha man is in it to win it
Cause the dope is slaying
Dealers don't give a **** about the implications
Of the drugs they slanging
Saying man come back I got more of that
Homie keep on banging
Family trees rearranging due to falling leaves
But as long as they stacking stacks
They'll perpetuate the perpetual disease
The illness is the illest
The realness is the realest
And if you feel this
Tell me what the deal is.

Let us see
what is to be
but destiny can wait
we can make something great
that fate has yet to create
if we start now
no need for know how
we just begin on a whim
no expectation
for disappointment
or elation
just concentration
no frustration
or justification
just our imagination
free to explore
what else is there
but to do and dream
that is what our time is for

Planes leave jet streams
That trail in different ways
Fading haze
and pastel puffs
In neon gradients
Blending into each other
Birds fly over
Black like ink on watercolor
And the air is cool and crispy
Chilly and brisk
As my smoke tangles in whispy twists

From the very beginning we are often writing the ending. Perhaps this is practical in nature if we seek to reach a conclusion but so often we are jumping to conclusions. We are so fixated on determining what is to come that we don't even realize what is happening. We skip over the details attempting comprehension from the subtlety of minute context clues foreshadowing what will be concluded. But,  the devil is in the details.

25 years old at midnight.
Here is what I have learned.
  All that I know is that I know

                   Nothing.

My life has been quite strange, and I want to understand all that is around me.

ugh...
You disappeared
but I pushed you away
I always feared that you would leave someday
but I opened the door and showed you the way
there's nothing left to say
our words are verses to replay
but none of it makes sense
there's just reverb, delay, and
false pretense
of what should have been said
but there is only silence
the line is dead
and I keep rewinding it all in my head
your absence leaves me with a looming sense of dread
and I think back instead of forward
hoping for one more word
but there can't be closure
so I keep my composure
on the outside at least
on the inside
I yearn for release
of the mystery
and misery
threatening my peace
but I let you go
knowing I'll never really know

Give yourself what you want or suffer for not

Sometimes I think back to when I was young, I remember how expansive the world was,  how everything was enchanted,  how new days were filled with boundless possibilities. Now,  I know that the world is a place for me to explore,  it is truly magical,  and each day I am creating endless realities.  My spirit shall stay youthful, innocent,  curious, and gracious.

Be kind today,
Make life the way
It ought to be,
for you and me.
We are here
We are free.
As long as you will be you,
and I will be me.

We wonder in the desert
In search of the mirage of dessert
Searching for that which satiates
But does not sustain
Our broken hearts are broken clocks
But there is a compass that leads the flock
Deep inside peace does abide
If we just stand still
Let the beasts from every corner sound their trumpets shrill
For the angels all surround us
But not with mighty sword
The earth shakes when David’s Lyre plays it’s resounding chord
Heaven and hell are at war
But victory for the armless and the lame
Will show us all the mercy that Jesus is his name.
None shall harm us.
As long as it is in God we trust.
Amen

I sat down with my pen and pad
Imagining the life I wish I could have had
Funny thing is the details were all the same
And a smile spread across my face
And you were to blame

There was love in the trees
There was love in the breeze that blew the leaves too
There was love in my knees
The day I fell for you

There was love in the sky
There was love in the sun that shown upon the earth too
There was love in my eye
When I looked at you

There was love everywhere
And there still is too
It's just that the trees are growing bare
And the sky is no longer blue
But I still have that same look
When I look at you

***** before the age of seven
I lost my faith that day
told that I couldnt get in to heaven
because I had *** before marriage
I was a child thinking I had a miscarriage
because the toilet and my ******* were blood red from where my ***** bled
and I shed my virginity and a tear
and everytime I walked in that bathroom I had fear
when I was naked I felt afraid
when I laid in my bed at night
I would close the door tight
I didnt want a sliver of light coming in
because anybody could creep in on a whim
That day changed me forever
I will never forget it
and I will always regret it
when he asked do you want to play a game
I said yes and expressed excitement and delightment
but that moment should have been his indictment
there should have been punishment and violence
but instead there was shushing and silence
in my head the blood is rushing inside of me
as I share this memory
I see the face of my enemy
dressed as a clown on halloween
and I want to scream.
but this isnt something to shout about
but im angry about it everyday
and im still hurting in every way
because Im not certain
the pain goes away
and inside I die
knowing that im not right

Doubt is the darkness devoid of light
Doubt is a racecourse with no end in sight
Doubt is an insidious disease with no cure
Doubt is constantly feeling unsure
Doubt is a vacuum without a breeze
Doubt is everything that can never be
Doubt is all of my overwhelming insecurities
Doubt is everything I've ever come to know
But hopeful is what I want to be

It is cold outside
Most hearts are frozen
We are the ones left
The others have chosen
There is a wall being built
To keep them out
But we are here inside without
Where there was a torch
Now there are pitchforks
And people who shout
Get out get out
People once devout
Saying love thy neighbor
Are saying they can't take our labor
Never have I seen my country
Rally with such hate
All the voices I hear
And I can't relate
I am not afraid
I am not angry
But I haven't heard
A single word that makes sense
When his supporters
Give defense
Build walls on the border
Order them home
But an America without different cultures
Is an America alone
United we stand
Divided we fall
But this division
Is leaving no one at all
Let the immigrants be
Help the refugees
For we were once
Searching for liberty
But there's no justice
Just us
Watching America get sold
It is exactly like a time of old
Where it mattered if your eyes were brown or blue
I look around and say no it can't be true
But yes, yes, it could be you.

A bottomless pit
A fruitless wishing well
A black abyss
An insurmountable hell
An empty vessel
A hole for a heart
I was too much to love
From the very start
Stark darkness
For a hope of light
All that is wrong
When I wish it was right
I give up on this endless fight
Loneliness surely is my plight
At last I say good night
My dreams will take me
Far away
And I will awake to a brighter day

She has eyes like Martian terrain.
Burnt Sienna.
Her pupils are black like the vacuum of space.
Little flecks of stars sparkle in them
but they are very much, alive burning like the sun.
Her skin is cratered like the moon, rocky and porous.
Her arms are speckled with freckled constellations.
She is a creation of the universe.

It is not pressure
it is a vibration
It is a sensation
It is a conscience
Tension and elasticity
Protons and electricity
of the nerves
Vibrations rhythm emitting impulse
Just a heart beating to the pulse
And my mind finding words
It is thinking
It is feeling
It is living
It is life
Living itself
Is God
By having life
The breath of conciousness
The multiverse
All that is infinitely unfathomable
The unknown
We are one with the waves of the infinite because we are a frequency we are static we are a whisper of what is to be created with divinity through glory and I am simply living my own choose your own adventure story

Who are you?
I ask as I touch your face.
Why are you here?
I enquire as my eyes search this place.
What do you want?
I question as these inklings taunt.
I am a woman who is strong...
Because, I refuse to give up...
To grow...

There is a little voice inside my head
that tells me I am better off dead

It tells me that I will let everyone down
subconsciously turning my smile to a frown

It tells me that I am miserable
it is truly visceral

I ignore it, I abhor hit
I endure it

I make it through
at the end of the day
I know none of it is true

I am alive
I will survive
and thrive
til my day comes
I will not retreat
til the battle is won
the enemy is me
but I will destroy myself
if only to save
my mental health
I am a mighty warrior
I move with strength and stealth
I wont let me
give me hell
To divide and conquer
I take the power away
to hear any of those things
I would rather not say
this internal conflict
fought with a half wit
serves no purpose
but to write verses
and I will reverse this
stigma I brought upon myself
because I am perfect
because I am no one else

Your love is demure
Often times obscure
Are your intentions pure
Or am I looking back at a cracked mirror

My vision distorted
By suspicion purported
Your decision not surported
By the revision I've recorded

Who can say if the way I feel is subjective
Is my thought process objective
Does my mind race like that of a detective
Could I possibly be selective

Its all I've known to feel rejected
And it's just because I've always been neglected
My sense of self worth has been affected
As I've been a cassette consistently ejected
I'm often times dejected

Am I just easily distrusting
Is it worth us discussing
Or do you find this side of me hideously disgusting
As I get mad and start repeatedly  cussing

Perhaps I am a girl with daddy issues
And these eyes won't dry with one billion tissues
Or I just refuse
To think my ticking time bomb heart will diffuse

In taking others loving advice
I'm accepting your sacrifice
But I'm contemplating my own demise
Simply negating a man can be nice

And it is unwise to be this way
And I can't help these tricks my mentality tends to play
Perhaps there will be another day
Where I can keep these thoughts at bay

Today is the same as yesterday.
The morning storms awoke me from
My placid dreamy state. Almost the same.  Yesterday,  I noticed you had already left for work as your side of the bed was absent. I longed to be nestled in your embrace as the storm waged on. This morning you are here.  I tried to hold you, thinking this is perfect I have a redo. You told me to scoot over.  Yesterday,  as I day dreamed about your hand holding mine as I succumbed to old age I realized that I am distrusting because I am afraid of inevitable loss.  Today,  I realized that I may not be afraid of losing you,  I am afraid that I can not have you and I can not be had in the way that I would like.  Expectations are suffering and I do exceptionally well at dissapointment.

My mind is constantly racing,
The reality I am facing doesn't seem right,
This wasn't a part of my plan but now it is my plight.
I have to learn to accept the way things are, and reject the way I think they ought to be.
I can't change a thing.
Just me.

I don't feel quite myself today
If I seem far away
I am okay
But honestly
I don't feel quite myself today

I don't feel quite myself today
If I seem quiet and don't know what to say
I am okay
But honestly
I don't feel quite myself today

I don't feel quite myself today
If I seem to be acting in a melancholic way
I am okay
But honestly
I don't feel quite myself today

What are contact pages on facebook and twitter account number

I have been given an entire universe to explore
I can create within it's constructs
I manifest change through it's vibrations as it reverberates my very being
I am matter,  so I do matter, and you are what matters most to me
In all of the multiverses with all of their galaxies I chose you
In every possible epoch or era, we are experiencing this di roll of reality
and I wouldn't want it any other way
I feel destined to have been designed
as I am when I am with you
You make my existence seem fortuitous
and I am grateful to be with you
on this earth

A long walk
Can soothe the mind
I bring the music
Leaving my worries behind
In my path
My footsteps lead
Away from the things
That I don't need

I truly believe that this is for me.
That I do not care if one being lays eyes upon this besides god.  I have lived a life that is disgracefully magnificent.  I am but a being and I need to treat myself as such. I am a child of god,  I am the manifestation of  the universe,  and I am a manifestation of God's purpose. My interpretation of the universe gives it light, without my perception I would not have knowledge. I can change my perspective through my actions.  I can lean into doing things I do not find pleasure in but I feel I must do to maintain balance. I can also pull away from things that bring me pleasure but inhibit me in ways that do not.  I can change,  I can do better,  I will do better,  I am doing better,  and I am changing.  I must act in a way that brings me great peace.  I must react in a way that does not create negativity.  Through my personal and interpersonal communication I create positivity or negativity. I make the universe sing back to me.  I experience and create within the universe. I am a part of a greater whole and the greater whole is a piece of me.  I can create balance and harmony within myself to experience it within the universe.  I am beginning a transition because I am constantly moving forward.

Cicadas softly sing their lullabye
The breeze begins to dance with the trees
A train whistle howls into the night
As stars begin to appear in the soft twilight
An engine roars far away revving closer
As a dog calls out for attention
My presence is quiet and calm
I feel chills brush over my body
Then an aphid lands on my arm
I allow it to linger
I am happy

I hate myself,
So, I need to change myself.
And be who I am, instead of being my self.

We are here
Suspended in fear
Hanging onto hope
Like a slowly freying rope
But the bond is strong
So we hold on
At least we have one another
If all else fails
This I believe
Our love prevails

Under the placid cerulean sky
Through flecks of light passing through the branches dancing of trees
flickering light illuminating
The turbulence inside of me
A cool breeze passes over
My chilled demeanor as I contemplate what is to be
I should be content but
This contempt is permeating
My being
I am seeing the beauty surrounding me
But the ugliness inside
Is a rising tide
Pulling me down slowly
As my soul floats with buoyancy
And I am currently
Swept in a current
Hoping this deterrent
Will not succumb me to the shelf of the sea
As I peer through the surface of the shimmering waters
Seeing the sky so near
I am filled with hope
But held by fear

To my loving husband
I see you, when your gaze is not fixed upon me because you are working so diligently.
I think of you when you are so intently transfixed on the endeavors that  occupy your mind.
I wait for you, knowing your time is so strained.
Like Pavlov's dog I am trained to listen for the bell that tells me when to eat.
Patiently at your feet
Hoping you'll throw me a hunk of meat.

Nimble leaves
Wavering in the wind
Holding tightly
To the twig
The branch is steady
And the breeze is ready
To give heed

What is it like to be good enough?
I have never understood the concept.
I'm used to feeling inept
and full of doubt
But self respect...
What's that about.
Self destruction I understand.
I've mastered self neglect.
I know self loathing like the back of my hand.
I've never had a plan,
Never had a dream,
Never been good enough,
But perhaps someday I may.

You only gave me a name
Just like my father before
But like that man
Staying was never in your plan
And loving me was a chore
I always thought it was me and nothing more
I bore holes in my soul bearing my heart
Knowing **** well what my father taught me from the start
We would have to part
You left before I did
I stayed close to your ghost
As close as you can get to a silhouette that hid the man I thought I loved
The man who continuously shoved me away
The worst part was I prayed
I prayed for god to make me lovable
To make me good enough
I prayed to not cry to just try to be tough
But alas God granted my wish
He led me to this
With all of the love I have for me
A sense of self and dignity
You betrayed me
But I played myself
Because I thought my worth was in you or my dad or someone else
Now I feel sorry for those wasted days when I wasted away
Hoping to be someone that I didn’t let be
Mostly, I just want to thank you for what you couldn’t give me
Which was my identity